Ask the Kliq #12: POKÃƒâ€°MON WEEK!
Every once in a while, you will think about video games and then ask yourself a question that has no rhyme or reason, but that just happened to pop in your head at that exact moment. In some rare instances, not even Google or Wikipedia can provide the answer you need. Sometimes you wouldn’t even need an answer to that question.
This is where we come in.
Our panel of experts is here to take on all of your video games-related questions, no matter how serious or silly they may be. With each new edition, we will submit a question to this elite committee, which will in turn try to provide you, our beloved readers, with the most accurate answer they can come up with.
Do you have a question for us? Shoot us an e-mail at kapoutman AT hotmail.com with the subject line “Ask the Kliq”, or leave a comment below. The best questions will be featured in an upcoming column.
This Week’s Question
You may have noticed that we are in the middle of Pokémon Week here at Diehard GameFAN. I know we only dropped subtle hints, like the daily articles and the themed columns, but we didn’t want to be too much “in your face” about it all. We still decided to make this week’s “Ask the Kliq” a Pokémon-themed edition, and thus asked the ultimate Pokémon geek question to our staffers.
“You have the opportunity to acquire a real-life Pokémon. Which one do you pick, and why?”
Spoiler: Nobody mentioned Mudkip. Thank God.
The difference between my favorite Pokemon and what I would want to have in real life are two very different things. Afterall something like a Charmander would burn my drapes, Muk would give me cancer, and there’s no way I could afford for food and a pool large enough for Gyarados.
I’d be torn between three choices. The first is Mew as it’s intolerably cute and can do anything. At the same time it looks like a fetus and I’m sure my house would be picketed by anti-abortionists for having one along with PETA as it is an endangered species even in the Pokemon World.
Then there’s Mareep, the electric sheep. Sheep are easy to take care of, extra cute, and super soft. Plus he’d protect my property. The only question would be what to name him. Replicant or Phillip K. Dick?
Finally there’s Misdreavus, who would probably be my final choice. Not only is it a playful Pokemon, but it’s a Ghost and thus feeding and upkeep wouldn’t really matter. Plus it would defintely fit my image of the happy bubble monochromatically clad guy.
My favorite has always been Blastoise. It just looks so mean and according to the Pokédex, it can even pierce through steel with its high-pressure water cannon. Who wouldn’t want something like that as a companion? The downside it that it is enormous, which isn’t all that practical when you are renting a small apartment in Montreal or when you’re driving a compact car.
The real winner would probably be Pidgeot, as it is calm and confident, and it can fly up to speeds of Mach 2. You can also ride it, so how easy would it be to get around? Pokéballs are so small too. It’s much more practical than a car.
I want to give props to other Pokémon I considered:
Vaporeon: It’s cute (chicks dig cute animals), it’s easy to take care of and wash because it is made of water molecules, and it WALKS ON WATER. I live on an island, so it would make transportations much easier instead of getting stuck in traffic on one of the multiple bridges that link Montreal to its suburbs.
Girafarig: For the sheer novelty of having a giraffe around. However, the whole “second head on its tail” thing would freak me out after a while.
Machamp: Something about having a bodyguard at all time would make me feel important and would allow me to annoy people without fear of retribution. Unless these people had Psychic-type Pokémon at their disposal.
This one is simple: Dialga. The legendary, steel-dragon, Pokemon.
There’s the fact that it looks freakady freakin’ awesome and that standing at nearly 18′ tall it could instantly kill most of my enemies (fictional and human) simply by stepping on them. Heck, probably just by farting on them. The deal clincher however is that it can control time. CONTROL TIME, people. And the extent of which we may never truly know; unless… you’re its owner.
Let’s say you’re in the club, getting your drink on, and in the corner you see two bi-sexual ladies of the night performing oral cavity exams on each other using solely there tongues. But, oh no! They just finished up and you missed it! No worries…
“Dialga! I choose you!”
Rewind time. Play it again. Then again. Freeze frame for cell phone pic-taking purposes. Watch it in reverse. Go to the store, grab a camcorder, come back, and show your friends! Alex Lucard will be in the corner drinking his unsweetened iced tea and even his Misdreavus will be all like, “Damn. We should have got a Dialga.”
Let’s say you’re in the middle of making sweet, sweet, love. You’re on fire and a couple hours go by but you really want to impress that special person.
“Dialga! I choose you!”
Take a break. Go get a sandwich. Watch some re-runs of “What’s Happening”. Take a nap. Wake up. She’ll be right where you left her and you can get right back in… I mean, continue the marital bonding (Remember kids, the only type of sex that’s satisfying is with your life long marriage partner, in the confines of your home, in your bedroom, in the missionary position, with a camera; anything else is an abomination). Afterwards, you’ll be stud of the century and saying, “Thanks Dialga! You’re better than Viagra!”
There are so many other scenarios. I think you get the point. The only downside to Dialga is storage space. And the whole scaring people factor. But hey, if people flip out, reverse time! Back in the Poke ball you go, and everyone is happy! Dialga is the obvious choice.
(The most common side effects of Dialga include headache, facial flushing, and upset stomach. Less commonly are bluish vision, dependency, impotency, radiation poisoning and death. Please see your physician if any of these problems persist.)
Like Alex, the question of what’s my favorite Pokemon and what I’d want in real life is different.
A Charizard would probably demolish my house by the end of the day I brought him home and I live in the middle of a desert so Militoc would die pretty quickly due to a lack of water and finally Dragonair would eventually evolve into that silly looking Dragonite.
So that only leaves Absol. He has the qualities of both canines and felines so it’d be like owning a cat and a dog at the same time and he’s not too large and quite independent so he’s low maintenance. Finally, he can predict disasters before they occur so I’d know when to cancel that trip to California before an earthquake hits it.
But really, the main reason is because he looks cool as shit.
I’ll be honest, I haven’t so much as looked at Pokemon since the original games came out. And most of the interest I had came from the cartoon show; specifically, singing the theme song at the top of my lungs every time it came around on the looping tape we showed at FAO Schwartz just so I could annoy my co-workers. At one time, I could name all 151 of the little buggers, but now I’m down to a handful of brightly colored memories.
The thing’s brain is a supercomputer! Can you imagine how valuable that would be if you put it to work? Genome decoding? Done. Protein folding? Completed during lunch. Getting freebie downloads on the PSN? No problem. Plus, he’s got telekinetic powers, so travel becomes much easier on the pocketbook.
Though to be honest, we’d probably just hang out outside Uri Geller’s house and make fun of him.
To be really honest, that’s the only reason I chose him, sorry.
Man, I hate Uri Geller.
I’m a big dog person, so Growlithe would seem like the natural choice (an Arcanine would be too big to house). I’d be able to save on heating bills in the wintertime, and it would make for a really good guard dog. The downside is that I’d have to make sure the house doesn’t get burned down in the process.
I’m also fond of the Eevee-lutions, and electric Pokemon are pretty useful, so Jolteon would also be in the running. I’d be golden during a power outage as I’d still be able to get power even when everyone else is sitting in the dark. However, there is the risk of electronics getting fried. That would… inhale profusely, to say the least.
I’m also tempted to just say I’d have an Eevee and keep various stones on hand for when I decide what to evolve it into and it trusts me enough. Not sure if that would be cheating, though.
…OK, fine, I’ll be good and just choose one.
In the end, I’d have to go with Espeon. Yes, it’s more catlike, but it’s adorable and would be a very loyal companion. It would also be useful since it would be able to predict anything from the weather to an enemy’s movements. Plus it tends to be protective of its trainer.
I know he always seems like a grumpy gus, but you know WHY he seems that way?
Because of the rager the night before. We’re talking about a party at the level that makes Motley CrÃƒÂ¼e look like complete pussies.
I want to be at that rager.
I’ll take Haunter.
Imagine the messed up pranks you could play on people if you controlled your very own ghost! Haunter is the coolest looking of the ghost Pokemon to be sure, which only adds to his appeal. Plus, if he were to have the hypnotize ability, his worth would be greatly increased! Is there nothing a good Haunter couldn’t solve?
Personally, I’d stick with my dog. Less traumatic on the house and lawn.
But if I had to pick a real life one it’d be hard, because it’d go to my wife, and she has three favorites you see. Squirtle, Torkoal, and Turtwig. Turtwig is the most recent, Torkoal just because he is a turtle (he never got much face time), and Squirtle who’s been one of her favorites since the beginning of the small monster cock-fighting craze.
So I’d have to have a toss up between Turtwig and Squirtle. I’d put them in a fight and whoever won that would get to go home and be my wife’s Pokemon. Personally I’d prefer Turtwig, mainly because we have laminate flooring and water is hell on laminate. It’d probably end up being Squirtle though. I mean my wife has a pet turtle named Squirtle. I’d be an idiot to bring anything else home.
I’d choose Mystique. Toss down a Pokeball and have a naked, blue, shape shifter pop out? I win.
Oh, actual Pokemon? Well… True confession time… I really don’t know any of them. Pokemon was not something I ever really got into, as another Japanese property had seized me at the time. However, I’d go with utility and have to pick one of (what I perceive, at least) the big three. Pikachu could provide me with a source of cheap electricity. Charizard could heat my home and light my grill whenever I have a cookout. And Squirtle could water my garden. I guess I’m just choosing based on slave labor? I’m thinking Charizard wins out though, because he at least is a dragon.
I spoke with my wife about this question. She thinks Charizard is the way to go. Walking home late at night down an ominous Chicago street? No one’s going to mess with you if you’re walking your Charizard. Out of matches to light your barbecue? I choose you Charizard!
I think I’d also want to be friends with that Clefairy who wears glasses and teaches other Clefairies how to dance.
If there is any conclusion to make out of this experience, it’s that should Pokémon be real, Charmander and its evolutions would be guarding everybody’s home while Paris Hilton would probably have wandered around with a Squirtle in her handbag.
The real lesson here, however, is that Dialga is the most practical Pokémon. EVER.
Do you have a question of your own which you want our experts to answer? Send an e-mail to kapoutman AT hotmail.com with the subject line “Ask the Kliq”, or leave a comment below. We’ll put our team right on it.