Ask the Kliq: Week 3
Every once in a while, you will think about video games and then ask yourself a question that has no rhyme or reason, but that just happened to pop in your head at that exact moment. In some rare instances, not even Google or Wikipedia can provide the answer you need. Sometimes you wouldn’t even need an answer to that question.
This is where we come in.
Our panel of experts is here to take on all of your video games-related questions, no matter how serious or silly they may be. Each week, we will submit a question to this elite committee, which will in turn try to provide you, our beloved readers, with the most accurate answer they can come up with.
Do you have a question for us? Shoot us an e-mail at kapoutman AT hotmail.com with the subject line “Ask the Kliq”. The best questions will be featured in an upcoming column.
This Week’s Question
This week’s question comes from our reader Ryan, a man who spent the last few weeks going through old episodes of Captain N: The Game Master. Captain N always traveled with three video game characters as his sidekicks, namely Simon Belmont, Mega Man and Pit from Kid Icarus. Ryan thinks that it is a pretty weak trio, as he suggests that Solid Snake, Kratos and Niko Bellic would be a more efficient team when it comes to taking down Mother Brain and her minions. While one can only imagine what kind of mayhem these guys could cause, Ryan challenges us to do better. Therefore, this week’s question is:
If you were stuck in a parallel universe populated by video games characters, which three would you hang out with as part of your bad-ass, evil-battling gang?
Aaron Sirois: This is easy for me.
Kirby: He may only be six inches tall, but Kirby is the man. The fact that he can suck up any enemy that gets in our way and spit him right back out is invaluable.
Meta Knight: Because who doesn’t need a mask wearing, flying, sword weilding maniac on thier team? Plus, if I got to hang out with him, I might get a chance to see him with the mask off and find out if he really is Lolo in disguise.
Link: Here’s a man that will have the perfect tool for any situation. Plus, he doesn’t speak. I won’t have to be annoyed by pointless conversation. Of course, if that bitch Navi gets anywhere near this group, I’m having Kirby shoot him straight to hell. Then I’d bring in Samus for the sheer firepower she brings. (And she’s freakin’ hot!)
ML Kennedy: My team would consist of Xavier from Eternal Champions, Samus from Metroid, and Travis Touchdown from No More Heroes.
We would travel around the country in Minion, the armored tank from Twisted Metal. We’d go from town to town using a bunch of cover identities and random violence to help down-on-their-luck townsfolk, solve mysteries and/or bust up the local mafia.
Matt Yaeger: Kazuma Kiyru (Yakuza/Yakuza 2): Simply the most badass character in videogames period. Despite all the evidence that it’s a bad idea people keep messing with him and he keeps having to hand them their own asses. Almost single handedly destroying several Yakuza families on his own, there’s no one better to have on your side.
Frank West (Dead Rising): Who better to have on a team of ass-kickers than a guy who keeps his cool after crash landing into a mall filled with zombies? To an average person a toy store is a place to buy toys, to Frank West it’s an arsenal of weapons that can be used to destroy the undead.
Dante (Devil May Cry): Does this even need an explanation? This half demon isn’t a morose angsty badass like several others, he fights with a smile on his face and always has a sarcastic remark ready to use.
Don’t judge me! That party would kick everliving ass. AND be hot. Meteor, combined with a high critical rate, combined with a bad premise for the Ultimate Geek Fantasy that will surely relegate me to the couch if my girlfriend ever read that.
… Hey, you want to talk about fantasy worlds? Let me have mine.
(And a message to Ryan: did you ever pay close attention to Mother Brain and her minions? They were special needs kids with bad jokes! ANYONE could have taken them out! The cast of My Little Pony would have been calling King Hippo a bitch by first commercial.)
Guy Desmarais: I took a long time to think about it, but here’s my answer:
Ganondorf: The guy has a legitimate mean streak and it looks like he might be immortal. Each time Link tries to stop him, it’s only temporary and he always finds a way to come back. With that Triforce obsession of his, you know that if he puts his mind to something, he’s gonna do it right. He would be the serious/focused guy on our team, the one you always call when things are about to go down.
Wario: He would be the muscles of the gang, but also the comic-relief. The kind of guy who has a rough exterior but a heart of gold. I see him acting like Andre The Giant in The Princess Bride: a big, funny guy, only with a moustache and an endless appetite.
Captain Falcon: He would definitely be the cool guy of the gang. He would also be the loud, brash ladies man with his big flashy car. He could also kick ass when needed with his obnoxious yelling each time he kicks or punches someone. That Blue Flacon would also be a great getaway car.
Finally, I would be the nerdy straight man who comes up with the plans. If we were the Ninja Turtles, I guess that would make me Donatello, while Falcon would be Leonardo, Ganondorf would be Raphael and Wario would be Michaelangelo.
Michael O’Reilly:Master Chief: Useful as a meat shield/tank if nothing else, he can soak up enemy bullets for a while while the rest of the team attacks.
Ryu (Marvel VS Capcom): Any version of Ryu would be awesome, but the VS series versions of him were just so ridiculously overpowered that not choosing him would be illogical.
Lara Croft: Unlimited ammo for her pistols and someone has to make us look presentable to the public.
There you go Ryan. We hope that this satisfies your curiosity. While Bowen’s team has its perks, I think that Kennedy stepped up to the challenge and came up with a deadly team of assassins that would look cool while laying down the law. I would probably want to hang out with his team and follow them around like a wannabe hoping that they would one day accept me into their gang, discussing geek stuff with Travis Touchdown and hoping to sneak inside Samus’ bedroom to go through her panties drawer.
Do you have a question of your own which you want our experts to answer? Send an e-mail to kapoutman AT hotmail.com with the subject line “Ask the Kliq”. We’ll put our team right on it.