Outboxed 2.2

ML Kennedy hates fish. He finds them to be creepy and unacceptable. He likes to eat them in many forms, from the stick variety to the Wahoo, a meaty Hawaiian fish with a racial slur for a name. Despite wanting to devour their fillets, ML Kennedy cannot stand to be near fish. His nightmares are filled with those large fish from Super Mario Bros. 3. You know, the ones that swallow Mario Mario (Brother of Luigi Mario) whole? It is as though Mario is being devoured by a motile fang-ed vagina. Is to be swallowed to be unborn?

Only Dagon knows for sure.


Hector Smithe once plowed his car into a funeral procession. He had the green light, but these hearses act like they own the road. Damned uppity dead people.

From: Hector Nye Smithe
To: Nintendo Power
Date: June 18, 2008
Subject: And I need to be back in the arms of a girlfriend

It seems to me that 20 years ago video game characters were assigned with confronting evil menaces so as to free captive girlfriends from a bind. A simple concept in which to partake; it’s not like that Republic of Plato’s. In new games the world is always at stake; to rescue a babe seems small potatoes. Saving your chick was the strong foundation for many a great game in days of yore. It is a fatuous motivation, but it really works. That one is for sure.
It’s a concept old as the Dead Sea scrolls, to win back your love interest in a fight. We need not reinforce the gender roles. No doubt that a damsel could save a knight.
I never thought it to be a hassle, though I know I don’t speak for some others, the princess was in another castle, when playing Super Mario Brothers.


Dedicated cagopilist, Ulrich Tarefson, spends a lot of time in his basement watching old episodes of Jack Davenport vehicle Ultraviolet. They canceled that show just when it was starting to get good. Ulrich blames a powerful cabal of European phillumenists for the shows demise.

Mr. Tarefson recently congratulated Artoon on their game Vampire Rain.

From: U. Tarefson
To: Contact
Date: Jun 18, 2008
Subject: Inquire
It is with warm regards that I congratulate you fine humans at Artoon on your most wonderful game, Vampire Rain. Finally, there exists a realistic estimate of a mortal’s chance against one of the undead, id est, slim to none. Too often any Tom, Dick or Harry in a video disc or cartridge can easily kill any number of elegant vampires. Very often, these so-called protagonists needlessly slaughter many noble bloodsuckers who were minding there own business. People speak up over the beating of harlots in that Grand Theft Auto, but I ask you “who speaks for the bloodsuckers?”
The answer is “precious few”.
Games like those encourage violence against the undead. Violence which irritates vampire kind, and winds up with many mortals meeting their mortality. (At the very least, Staten Island Peacocks suffer. )
It is my hope that Vampire Rain discourages generations of future “would be” Van Helsings from their futile attempts at destroying vampirekind.
Endlessly yours,
Ulrich Tarefson


Finally, how can we miss the prolific perert Ed Tivan if he won’t go away? Ed has recently moved from Angola, NY to Derby, NY. At least, usually he’s in Derby. He’s been living in his car for the last few weeks, parked in the lot of that Martin’s grocery store on Nettlecreek road, subsisting on a diet of Bavarian cream donuts.

He still has time to e-mail Atari. The following e-mail was sent via the Infogrames website.

From: Ed Tivan
To: Infogrames
Date: June 24, 2008

Dearest Sir or Madame:
Thirteen years I have waited since you said you were working on Primal Rage 2. Where is my Primal Rage 2?
It is not here.
I checked.
What’s up with that?
Primal Rage was the sexiest game I ever had played on my Sega Genesis and it is a shame to be that to me the game of Primal Rage 2 was not given to me by my girlfriend who is a girl in many respecks and who likes girls things and who would buy for me games.
When Chaos performs thegolden shower finisher on the valupchuous vertigo it is so redonkuously erotics that I can’t control myselves.
The sequel sounds even sexier because sexy ladies can turn into sexy dinosaurs with sexy sexiness as a result, no doubting it. I bet if a lady turned into a moneky and then puked across the screen and caught the puke in her mouth and then another lady turned into a dinosaur and farted and then they kissed with the lady-monkey’s mouth still full of puke and then they fought some more until the monkey’s arm fell off because of the talons that it would be better than most other games where stuff like that could happens sometiimes. Cuz I like things that are good and stuff that is great and if you could make Primal rage 2 and maybe even a 3 and 4 for me it would be so good as to be great and more.


Well kids, we shall meet again on this series of tubes. Provided one of us doesn’t die before that time. If you are reading this years from now, perhaps I am already dead, but living still in the new flesh.

There are many things to ponder.

But mostly, I wonder if R. Kelly has ever played Primal Rage. If so, did he become vexed by impure thoughts?

In the words of that great American poet Stevie Ray, “Suckas gots to know.”







Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *