Outboxed: Episode 5

Peace and Love through Chaos and Cruelty

Welcome to fifth installment of Outboxed, the Die Hard Game Fan column where the people that live inside my head are set up with their own e-mail accounts.

Now featuring the color YELLOW!

And what a fabulous world we inhabit here at DHGF! Diehard GameFAN: friend to Uwe Boll! Diehard GameFAN: gadfly to gamespy! Diehard GameFAN, treated with warm indifference by some guy named Dave Halversomething.

We are the showcase of the immortals, people! We are on the proper side of the looking glass, having required 12 stitches for our many failed attempts at traveling through said reflective surface.

In a word, we are mighty.


Let’s begin with dedicated pervert, Ed Tivan, as he attempts to get his furry/naga freak on.

DATE: Tue, 8 Apr 2008 14:45:13 -0700 (PDT)
To: THQ Customer Service

I would like a nother sequel to the altar beast. I love the Altar Beast. I would lke more Altar Beats.
Maybe could I get some lady beasts. That would be nice. I would like a tiger lady and a snake lady and maybe a lady with cow utters. or maybe a werewolf breast lady.
If it could have a dating simulation aspext to it I would sppreshit it very much.
Altar beast rules!

THQ, being the prudish snobs we know them to be, refused to answer this honest and frank inquiry. A pox on your houses THQ! Toy Headquarters, my ass!


Speaking of Toy Headquarters, Mr. Keith Safari was recently experiencing problems with his copy of Smackdown vs. Raw for the Wii. That is, to say, problems aside from quadruple amputee status. Mr. Safari manages to cope. In fact, he has a million “able bodied people” jokes. (Though he did steal a few from Jimmy Vulmer nee Swanson. e.g. “How many able bodied people does it take to change a lightbulb? One!)

DATE: April 8, 2008
From: Keith Safari

Hello, I was wondering if you fellas could offer some help to fix my copy of Smackdown vs. Raw for the wii.
1. I think that there is something wrong with my game. I can’t seem to customize my CAW’s moveset, I can’t leave the ring during a Tag Match, the only available weapons I have are chairs, JBL does springboard moves, my backstage antics don’t affect my career in career mode, my valet won’t come out with me, and Sabu can’t do any of his famous spots.
Is there some sort of patch or something I can download to fix this thing?

THQ, being the prudish snobs we know them to be, refused to answer this honest and frank inquiry. A pox on your houses THQ! Toy Headquarters, my ass!


From THQ, lets jump to a game published by TDK. It’s a favorite of retired accountant yet active philatelist Wes Flowers. Wes has done his research. He is a man on a quest. A man possessed. A man who eats Chicken of the Sea for lunch every Thursday.

Date: Mon 17 Mar 2008 01:03:15 PM EDT
To: spriga@abandonmobile.com
From Wes Flowers
Subject: Lucky Chicken
Dear Madam,

I was informed that you nice people bought out the developers of Lucky Chicken. Lucky Chicken made Aquaman: Battle for Atlantis, and I was just wondering if they still held the rights to make a sequel to that game.

I was rather hoping for a sequel.

Don’t get me wrong the first game was enjoyable enough, but left me wanting quite a bit more. I’d like, perhaps, nice long game where Aquaman has to intervene in, say, a civil war between dolphins. (They are smart little buggers aren’t they?) Perhaps he could join up with some good dolphins and be a liason of some sort to some wicked dolphins.
Maybe he could settle the conflict with a marriage between the two sides. There is no reason to model violence for the little moppets, eh? I suppose he could punch some jellyfish or some other invertebrates. I imagine that the things without backbones also lack souls. It’s not really violence to punch a thing without a soul is it? If I hit the wall, well, I fancy that I’d just hurt my fist.

Thank you very much for your time dear.

Wes Flowers and his dog Andrew
(Johnson is currently under the weather).

Abandon Mobile, being the prudish snobs we know them to be, refused to answer this honest and frank inquiry. A pox on your houses Abandon Mobile! You surely have lived up to both halves of your name, you know, by abandoning and being mobile.

Lousy Deadbeat Cellphone.

We have reached the end of another episode of Outboxed. I don’t know about you, but I’ve learned something. And that thing is that, you only find the single-humped Dromedary camels in the Sahara, and not their double-humped Bactrian counterparts.

Join us next time for the SEASON FINALE of Outboxed.

Good bye.

ML Kennedy







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