Outboxed: Episode 4

Peace and Love through Chaos and Cruelty

Welcome to fourth installment of Outboxed, the Die Hard Game Fan column where the people that live inside my head are set up with their own e-mail accounts.

Here is what the critics have to say about the current season of Outboxed:

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Let’s see what further accolades we can acquire with this latest episode of OUTBOXED!


Let’s begin with Western New York’s most bacciferous illiterate pervert, Ed Tivan. Wait, do we really mean bacciferous? Well fuck it. Ed Tivan has an itch in the balls. Rather he’s itching to ask some questions about Pokeballs.

He was pointed in the general direction of Diehard GameFAN owner, Alex Lucard.

DATE: Wed, 12 Dec 2007 11:15:46 -0800
To: Alexander Lucard
Subject: I was told that you could answer questions.

Dear Sir or Madam,
I am researching the Pokemans and have a question for you. I was told that you are the person to talk to about the pokemans.
My question about the pokemans is a very important question about the pokemansthat nooone has ever asked before but they havethout about and i am asking now.
When do the pokemans have sexual intercourses? Is it inside the pokeyballs or do they have to be called out of the pokeballs to have secual intercourses? And the other question I have about the pokemons is that do the pokemons have to have sex with the same pokemons? I s pikachi only supposed to lying in the bed of another pikachu or can he have the sex with charmander? Or maybe he can have the sex with only the eltronical pokemons?
Is mewtwo a gay?
Thank you for your time, alexanderlucard of the usa.
P.S. How long have you worked at USA? Are they going to bring back pacific blue?
ppss. Do you know that your named spell backwards is draculrednaxela. Tha might not be anything toyou, but if you remove the naxel you get draculreda, which is a cool book i wonce read about vampires.

Rather than develop a form letter to deal with the myriad of similar e-mails, Mr. Lucard chooses to ignore them.


Next let’s visit a man who knows his wallydrags from his wanderoos, Mr. Keith Safari. He’s hoping that Microsoft has hardware which meets his special needs.

Sent : Monday, March 17, 2008 5:47:02 PM UTC
To : XBOX_.X360.NA.00.EN.HAH.MNL.HW.T01.SPT.00.EM
Subject : Xbox360 Hardware

Xbox360 Hardware

What type of problem do you have?
(Be specific when describing your problem. The details that you include enable us to promptly send you the most likely solution to your issue.)

I’m not really sure where else to turn. I was born without the use of either of my arms, and was wondering if you had some sort of alternative controller so that I could enjoy one of your many fine products. I’ve been able to play games on older systems with arcade style controllers and using either my feet and/or elbows.
Even if you have some sort of spit-proof controller. (My wife tells me I have quite the dextrous tongue.)

I’ve been able to play certain wii titles via handling the remote in my mouth, and have become a quality wii-bowler. (Believe-you-me, if you ever hold the wii-mote between your teeth, make sure you turn off the rumble feature!)

Thanks for the help,
Keith Safari.

The fine folks at Microsoft responded swiftly. It’s really like they care too much sometimes.

Hi, Keith!
1. Thank you for writing Xbox Customer Support!
We appreciate your feedback on Xbox Customer Support, although we can’t respond to your suggestion individually, we at Xbox Customer Support apologize for the inconvenience.
We consider all of the suggestions and comments sent in by our members, and we maintain an internal database of suggestions that we consult and prioritize.
Customer satisfaction is our main goal and we will improve our service in the future… Again, In behalf of Microsoft Xbox Customer Support, We deeply apologize for the inconvenience.
Thank you for visiting Xbox.com. If you need to reply to this e-mail, please reply ‘with history’ (include any previous e-mail) so we can expedite our service to you. If you should have future questions on Xbox products or services, please be sure to revisit our Web site as we are continually adding information to enhance our service.

You may also call Xbox Phone Support at 1-800-4MYXBOX (1-800-469-9269) at your earliest convenience, and we will be happy to help you. We are open everyday from 9am to 1am EST/ 6am to 10pm PST.
Note: You may now check your XBOX console’s repair status online at http://service.xbox.com/ using your Windows Live ID account.

To expedite service, please provide Service Request Number 1061750221 when you call.


Xbox Customer Care

THANK YOU CHRISTOPHER! Keith would give you a standing ovation, but, well, you know. . .


Finally, let’s check in once again with retired accountant Wes Flowers. He’s got a bet to settle and questions to ask about the single greatest game ever based off of a Tim Allen sitcom.

Customer – 03/04/2008 11:11 AM
Dear Activision representative.

I’ve 2 questions.

First, on your main page Tony Hawk appears to be semi-undead. Will there be zombie-based skateboarding games in the future? I think it would be quite a bit of fun to fight zombies whilst riding a skateboard. It might even be fun to be a zombie on a skateboard, though, those ghoulish beasts might lack the coordination and overall proprioception to successfully navigate the ins and outs of a kickflip. I suppose Christ Air could be used to kill vampires, but I don’t know how it would fare against zombies.

My second question involves an Absolute Entertainment property. I was told that you folks own their stuff since the company folded, I hope that this is so. I was wondering if you could settle a bet about the Home Improvement SNES game. My friend Bert says that Tim “the tool man” Taylor is fighting dinosaurs and mummies because he accidently built a time machine. My friend Earl says Tim “the tool man” taylor is fighting fake dinosaurs and mummies because they are automatons gone wild from neighboring television studios.

I, myself, abstain from such wagers.

Thank you in advance for your help.

You are a beautiful person where it matters.

Suspected beautiful person Guillermo at Activision gave helping Wes the old college try. I.e. he googled some stuff and pasted links.

Subject: Dear Activision representative. I’ve 2 questions. First, on your main page To… [Incident: 080304-000234]
To: Wes Flowers.

Response (Guillermo Hernandez) – 03/04/2008 11:55 AM

Thank you for contacting us. I am sorry but we do not have the information you are requesting. We do not have any information about future or unreleased titles.
We also do not have any information on the Home Improvement game you are asking about. You may want to check online resources for information on the game. I have included two links of some information about the game, you may want to do your own search.


And thus ends another glorious episode of OUTBOXED. Join us next time where more stuff happens!

ML Kennedy







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