Outboxed: Episode 3

Peace and Love through Chaos and Cruelty

Welcome to episode the third of Outboxed, the Die Hard Game Fan column where the people that live inside my head are set up with their own e-mail accounts.

In what glorious and wonderful adventures shall we partake today? Only time will tell! Time and reading what is below these 10 asterisks!


Tonight we begin with the Midwest’s leading advocate of alectryomancy, Keith Safari. Mr. Safari had recently been victimized, and turned to Capcom’s customer service for support:

Date: January 22
From: Keith Safari
To: Capcom Customer Service

Life has given me some special challenges. You see, I was born without arms. Thankfully, we live in an age of advanced technology and physical therapy such that I can live a “normal” life.
You can imagine my dismay when, browsing the local Gamestop for a copy of Resident Wiivel, I was accosted by a 15 year old dressed all in blue. He struck me from behind, and forcibly removed my prosthetic arms.
Subsequently, he strapped my arms to his person, and used them to attack another customer.
It was an ugly scene. I believe you will now understand why I write this e-mail to you. It is my hope that future Megaman games will come with a clear and concise “don’t try this at home” warning, so that no one else will have to suffer this indignity.
Keith Safari.
(p.s. You wouldn’t believe how long it took me to type this out using only my tongue.)

Capcom’s response, like a highschool virgin, came quickly but afforded little satisfaction. Here is what Mr. Do Not Respond at Capcom had this to say about this horrifying incident:

Please do not reply to this email. To help ensure a prompt response, please click the link at the bottom of this email to refine your question.

On 1/22/2008 you posed a question to CAPCOM Customer Support which was noted as inquiry 5335.Response:

Hello Keith,
We’re sorry but we do not have an answer to your question. This line of contact is primarily for technical assistance. It is best to post this type of question in the Ask Capcom section of our FORUMS which is monitored by CAPCOM insiders.

CAPCOM Customer Support

For up to the minute news and information about CAPCOM games, please visit Capcom-Unity.

We hope this will help resolve this inquiry. If it does not, please use the link below to come to our website and add to or clarify your question. You may need to cut and paste the entire link (it may span two lines) into the address line of your web browser.


Clearly, Capcom has little empathy for paraplegic human-alien hybrids. For shame!


Retired accountant Wes Flowers has remarkable researching skills, but rather lackluster taste.

On 2/14/2008 Wes Flowers posed a question to Midway Support which was noted as inquiry 29288.The question Wes posed and Midway’s response are listed below.

Hello Midway folks,

I was wondering if there were any plans to make a
sequel to Awesome Possum. I’ve been waiting a long
time for a sequel or a similar game. Oh the adventures that wily possum got into fighting that
wicked scientist, spinning around and besting those
evil natured robots. It got me through a lot of
tough times.

I know that you folks didn’t make the game. I
believe Tengen did, but they folded into Time Warner
Interactive, and TWI folded into you nice fellas.

I hope you guys don’t fold because I really enjoy
your skating rink in Hyde Park.

I’d also like to know whether he is a possum (the
marsupial type) or an American style possum (an

I think Awesome Oposum might actually be the better

Thank you for your times good sirs and madames.

The following e-mail was sent to Wes Flowers from Midway regarding his favorite game. For those not in the proverbial “know” here is a short clip of the classic game whose full title is “Awesome Possum Kicks Dr. Machino’s Butt.”


Please do not reply to this email. To help ensure a prompt response, please click the link at the bottom of this email to refine your question.

Thank you for contacting Midway Tech/Customer Support. Please see below for details about your inquiry to Midway.


Customer Support has not heard of any plans for an Awesome Possum sequel. I’m not even sure if we still have the rights for this game anymore. As to what type of possum he is, I don’t know. None of the original developers of the title are still working with the company and that information was never written down. Sorry.

Midway Tech/Customer Support

No one seems to be able to help. I guess Customer Service isn’t allowed to say, “Play Sonic the Hedgehog, you ignorant cockfag.” Oh well, let’s watch some more butt-kicking:


It is well known that Angola, NY’s Ed Tivan cannot send an email with wearing pants. That is to say, it is well known at any place in Western New York that offers free wi-fi.

Mr. Tivan recently dreamed of the world’s greatest video game. Not knowing where else to turn, he looked to his favorite video game journalist Damian Sarcuni of pop-up inducing 411mania.

DATE: Tue, 12 Feb 2008 08:41:26 -0800 (PST)
From: Ed Tivan
To: damian@projectangel.net
Subject: Do you have gaming emailes addresses

I have a great idad for a game and was hoping that you could have the email addresses to EA sport or some gaming companies that I could e-mail my eamis to.
1. I will tell you about the game if you promise not to steal the game.
Here is the game.
You start out in your house. You need to get some peanut butter. So you go to th store to get peanut butter, but as you get the checkout,you see you have no money.
So you head back home to get your money.
but on the way home you get kidnapped by lesbians. The lesbians steal you into their house and chain you in ther basement. The basement is cold, nbut smells prety good. They shoot you full of chemicals and mesmerse you with a piral,
they keep you trapped for days giving you drug and hipnoses. then you turn into a sexy lesbian duck. not like a real duck, but lke daizy duck, except with long blonde hair and nicer tits.
Then the game is kinda open endded, cuz you could just live a a lesbian duck slave, or try to break free or learns how to fly, or try to fight crime, or try to turn bak into a people, or try to have sex with other lesbian ducks,
I vene have a good title and i call it “fuck a duck”
pleas dont steal my idead.
ps when did you stop calling youself Liqudcross?

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

While Damian never responded to Ed directly, he did seemingly write a column in his honor. (i.e. Angry Gaming 02.26.08: How to Make Porn Stars in Soul Calibur III )

Ah well. I’ve got a pain in my brain, and the only prescription is more POSSUM!

ML Kennedy







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