Peace and Love through Chaos and Cruelty
Welcome to episode 2 of Outboxed, the Die Hard Game Fan column where the people that live inside my head are set up with their own e-mail accounts.
This week, Outboxed has got the power, Nintendo Power. While they may in fact have the clues that we can use, the fine folks over at Future US headquarters never seem to have the time to respond to my queries.
Come to think of it, Wizard Magazine never seems to have the time to answer any of my questions either. Do they think they are better than me?
Twats.
On with the show!
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Tonight we begin with social activist Keith Safari, who expresses a concern all of us have had at one point or another. Won’t somebody please think of the children?!
Date: February 13th
Subject: Dear Nintendo Power
To: Pulse@futureus.com
It is of my opinion that the Virtual Console version of Super Mario Bros. 3 should come with a warning label. Please allow me to explain.
My 7 year old nephew recently downloaded the classic Mario adventure, and has been playing it during most of his free time. We don’t limit his gameplay time, if that is how he so chooses to freely express himself.
All was fine and dandy like that proverbial sour candy.
You will understand my dismay then, when we found his pet Reginald dead on our front porch, brutally flattened.
You see, my dear nephew had handed Reginald a leaf, and grabbed hold of the poor beast, and jumped out of our attic window.
Thankfully, the Reginald absorbed most of the impact from the fall, but I tell you this: this raccoon’s blood is on your hands! How dare you mislead children with the silly notion that Raccoon + Leaf = the power of Flight.
You ought to be ashamed.
Keith M. Safari.
Mr. Safari has, on retainer, one of the finest legal teams ever assembled by a human/alien hybrid. He is not afraid to use them on the cowards that run Nintendo Power. Nor is he afraid to use them on those cunt-pickles at McDonalds who refused to refund his money after their so-called McFlurry gave him a debilitating case of the brain freeze.
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Retired accountant Wes Flowers has many helpful ideas to buttress that sagging and relatively obscure franchise called Super Mario Bros. That’s right folks, not only is it a Nintendo Power theme, it is also a Mario-centric episode. The producers of Outboxed deeply and sincerely apologize for any perceived redundancies. If you feel you’ve been wronged by this internet column, please send 3 U.S. dollars to :
Outboxed
care of ML Kennedy
5430 S. Drexel
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and we will issue a formal statement of apology.
Mr. Flowers would also like to offer a sincere apology for the tone of this letter as he was all “hopped up” on lemon zinger tea at the time. He is not normally so rambunctious.
Date: Thu 13 Dec 2007 12:57:18 PM EST
Subject: People don’t realize that he’s a plumber
To: Pulse@futureus.com
Dear Powers at Nintendo
I remember from the Super Mario Super Show that Mario and Luigi are plumbers. I don’t know if a lot of people know that, but that is their jobs. Plumbing’s their game, found a secret warpzone while working on the drain.
That was from the song on that show.
So, how come they never plumb? I don’t think that the Super Mario Family series should devolve into toilet humor, mind you, but I feel that the company is missing out by not fully exploring this part of their classic character. The history of Italian Plumbing is rich and textured and fluffy like the Roman Aqueducts.
So, I have figured out a good way to address this problem.
How about a game where Bowser has a shower clog and he dials 1-800-I-need-a-plumber. I don’t know if that is a real number, Nintendo will have to check.
Bowser is quite perturbed to find out that Mario answers the call and shows up at his door with a plunger. And maybe a monkey wrench, and other instruments of plumbery. A drain snake? That’s a thing right? Maybe it could be like a flower snake for the drain or something with a fungus of some sort.
I say a clogged shower because of an aversion to the toilet humor. I would imagine that his poop would be large enough to clog a toilet, but that is fecal matter isn’t quite dignified. I imagine that Bowser takes calm relaxing bubble baths, and would be upset by a clog in that area. It is probably stressful to be the king of koopa, and I believe aroma-therapy would be soothing for turtle dinosaurs of all persuasions.
Back to the game’s story. Mario is torn between his plumber’s oath, and his own personal issues with Bowser. Because Bowser has done some bad things. So where lies Mario’s allegiances? To his career and word or to his loyalty to the princess. What a kerfuffle, eh?
It is the plumbing equivalent to Sophie’s Choice, or the Heinz dilemma. Even Roger Ebert would have to call it fine art.
Wait, if Bowser is the king and Peach is the princess, how come they are different species? Are they related by marriage or blood?
The only problem with my solution to the Mario career problem is that none of the Mario Brothers bad guys have much hair.
Could eyebrow hair clog a drain? Maybe they molt or some such.
Come to think of it, the pipes are generally large and spacious in the toadstool kingdom as well.
There might need to be some suspension of disbelief.
Sincerely,
Wes Flowers
P.S. If Peach is 1/4 turtle/ 1/4 dinosaur I don’t think that she and Mario should have any sexual chemistry. It would be an abomination unto our lord.
No banners. No pop-ups. No kidding.
Make My Way your home on the Web – http://www.myway.com
Shortly after composing that message, Mr. Flowers realized that Mario is also a Doctor. Ths opened up a whole new world of questions and possibilities.
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Finally, let’s go back to the lovely town of Angola, New York, to check on local pervert Ed Tivan.
Date: Sat, 16 Feb 2008 17:34:33 -0800
To: Pulse@futureus.com
Subject: Samus
Samus Aron is really sexy. With or without the armor. She looks a bit like a man with the armor but i still sexy. when she takes off the armor she is a sexy woman. It is kinda a opposite “bed Trick.”
i had the opposite experience in high school. I was dating a dragqueen, but i didn’t know it was a dragqueen for the first couple of months. he was a sexy woman but im glad we didnt have sex because i dont want to be gay.
thats why we only had the oral sex. im good at that.
back to samus who was even sexier than my girlfriend who wasnt a real girl firend because of his gentiels. does she have a boyfriend?
and does she get dizzy when she is in the morph ball, because she is spinning around a lot and that makes me dizzy. maybe she has dramine in the suit.
That could be a power-up in the next game!!!
and maybe some sexy underpants.
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And thus ends another glorious episode of Outboxed. We shared some joy, we cried, and maybe, just maybe, learned a little something about ourselves. Certainly, we are all better people than when we started.
On a side note: there is no god.
Join us next time when Keith writes a formal letter of complaint to Capcom, Wes has some important questions for Midway, and Ed pitches his idea fo the perfect video game.
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