A Thumb To The Eye Number 18

Well, last week was a learning experience. Unfortunately, it was a learning experience that got eaten by my word processor. Fucking Microsoft. Hopefully, this week will be untangled. I am still new to the news thing, so please give me time. There still isn’t much going on, but here’s a smattering:

Vivendi Universal Games Decide It’s A Good Idea To Make A Fight Club Game, Somehow I doubt It Will Be Good

In Vevendi speak:
In the underground world of Fight Club, the fight isn’t over until someone goes limp, taps out, or is beaten. Immerse yourself in this gritty, visceral world of bare-knuckle fighting, with action, story elements and environments true to the Fight Club movie. The extreme realism of the game will make you feel every punch and kick by delivering shocking visuals, untraditional moves, and special effects in fully interactive environments.

In English:
We at Vivendi Universal Games have decided that Fight Club wasn’t good enough as a book or a cult classic movie, so we are pooping, we mean popping, out a substandard video game 5 years after the theatrical release. Instead of making a game with some semblance of understanding the license, we are going to make a shoddy Backyard Wrestling– type game with no soul, fun factor, or reason to exist. When we, the drones of Vivendi Universal Games, look into the mirror we see… well, actually, we don’t see anything because this company has sucked the souls right out of us to the point that we have no concept of what a decent video game would even look like. Help us.

My take:
Name the book the Adventures of Zelda was based on. How about that movie that Shigeru Miyamato based Donkey Kong on. Can you do it? Well, no, of course you can’t, because it’s a trick question. While the name Zelda comes from F. Scott Fitzgerald’s daughter and Donkey Kong has elements of the King Kong and Mighty Joe Young movies, they are each quirky, highly individual works. It’s not like Nintendo was making games based on 5 year old movie licenses or else Saturday Night Fever would have been the NES launch title. That these soulless corporate entities cannot comprehend that Fight Club is as much about fighting as The Breakfast Club was about toast and juice is beside the point. The time, money, and energy being dumped on this game could have just as easily been pointed at a non- license based game. Jesus H. Christ, it’s not like anyone spent the whole time they read the book thinking, “Man, I want to hit Tyler Durden with a jump kick!” Ugh.

Square Enix Don’t Suck, Chuck and Alex-2 Do a Small But Impressive Jig In Celebration

As you may or may not know, Square Enix has made a number of classic games, including the excellent Final Fantasy Anthology and Chronicles collections as well as Xenogears, available at the low low low price of $19.99 MSRP. This is good. No, this is great. While, like the Final Fantasy Tactics re-release, this has ruffled a few sets of feathers, I couldn’t be happier. Hell, my personal copies of these games, including Chrono Trigger on the SNES, have decreased in Ebay value, but I can’t stop being overjoyed about the whole thing. As I said way back in October, I just want to be able to play the games. Of course, this only proves my point about how little Sony cares about gamers. Square Enix is taking the initiative as far as reissues and Sony drags it’s feet. So, yay Square and boo Sony. I needed another copy of Final Fantasy IV anyway.

The Illuminati Claims Another Member, Goth Girls Worldwide Faint

In a shocking development, Alex Lucard has purchased a non-limey XBOX. This *text missing turn of events has many IDIOTS, myself included, fearing some sort of MAGIC HAPPY DONUT has been inserted into Alex’s JELLY PORT and has seized control of his mind. Do not listen to a word he says! The Illuminati have him. He is now a pawn of the Illu–

=][= This column has been seized by the Department of JELLY PORTS and will be edited for your protection. Please disregard all previous statements. The Illuminati do not exist. XBOX Home Video Game Consoles are NOT the tools of an evil empire. Everything is Alright. Yay America! There is no Illuminati. fnord =][=

12 Year Old Boy Buys M-Rated Game, Declares It ‘Fuckin’ Awesome!’

Despite the best efforts of Sen. Lieberman, the ESRB, stores around the US, and that guy Jake from ‘Body by Jake’ and that sitcom on basic cable where he played a Greek guy, also named Jake, who had madcap things happen, a 12 year old boy acquired an M- Rated game. Cooper Bengalschmidt, using what he termed the “five finger discount,” bought the notorious M-Rated game Grand Theft Auto: Vice City this past week WITHOUT parental advise. Upon arrival home, Cooper waited well into the afternoon for his mother to go next door to ‘borrow some sugar’ before playing the game in question. Inserting the newly acquired game into the “don’t tell Mom what we did on the camping trip” Playstation 2 his father bought him on his last state mandated visit, Cooper’s eyes lit up with glee. After four hours of shooting Haitians, whores, and cops, Cooper’s flush faced mother returned home, oddly sans sugar, and the play session ended. When asked about the game, Cooper gave the succinct review of “Fuckin’ Awesome!” before pointing out the game’s obvious graphical flaws, repetitive gamplay, and banal subject matter. Any final words, Cooper?

“Yeah, I learned all sorts of things that’ll be useful when I finally get ahold of that pistol in my Dad’s truck. The kids at school will love it!”

Miracle Violence Fun Time!

In a new feature for “Clap Hands!” I thought it might be fun to meld my twin loves of Fire Pro Wrestling D and tormenting my fellow writers. So, from now on, I will be presenting a FPD match with some play by play and set up. If you have any matches you want to see, send them to me at the usual address. This week’s battle: Alex Lucard and Bebito Jackson!

Bebito Jackson will be represented by Kevin Nash.
Alex Lucard will be represented by Shawn Michaels

In this battle of Kliq members, Lucard is the obvious speed and technical master. Bebito brings only one thing to the match: pure power. The match will probably see Lucard taking potshots and trying to stay out of Bebito’s range before a short pummeling and eventual win via Sweet Chin Music. Bebito has a solid chance if he either a.)nails Lucard early and finishes the match FAST or b.) Lucard screws up something really badly. Then there’s the other option: some bizarre, technically proficient Bebito shows up and annihilates Lucard’s back with a series of powerbombs, slams, and a half Boston Crab. Like that would ever happen…

The bell rings, and Lucard goes right to the punches. A quick elbow to the top of the head sends Bebito down and Lucard tries for the Figure Four. Before he locks it in, Bebito escapes, saving his precious knees form early punishment. A few more quick punches from Lucard lead to a body slam and an elbow to the throat. Then the tide began to turn… An Irish Whip sends Bebito into the ropes and Lucard blows his cross body block. Bebito pulls Lucard off the mat and hits a sidewalk slam. Lucard writhes in agony, his weak spot exposed. Bebito picks up the wounded Lucard for a nasty clothesline and commences to stomping the prone Retrograding author. A big boot from Bebito is blown, however, followed by a series of punches to the head and a figure four leglock. The big man is obviously hurt but he muscles out of the dread hold. Then the controversy begins. Another Irish Whip from Lucard knocks out the ref, Earl Hebner! Bebito throws his foe out of the ring and does the most despicable thing he’s ever done: a Jackknife Powerbomb on the concrete! Surely this will cripple Lucard… But wait, he’s up and follows Bebito into the ring. Punches are exchanged and then he hits it: Sweet Chin Music plays in Bebito’s head. The ref is up and counting…ONE….TWO…THRE– NO, Bebito is still in it. Another grapple and Bebito lifts Alex up for an ugly back suplex. Both men are down. Lucard recovers, lifts up Jackson, Neckbreaker!!! Lucard struggles to the corner, slowly makes his way up top, leaps for the elbow drop, and misses. Bebito rolls to his feet. Lucard takes another Jackknife and Bebito lifts Alex’s prone leg. HALF BOSTON CRAB! Lucard taps! Lucard taps! By God, Lucard taps! Bebito Jackson whips out a fluke win!

Seriously, this one turned out completely different than expected. I fully expected Lucard to take out Bebito’s knee with the Figure Four or knock him stiff with Sweet Chin Music. A victory, and a submission one at that, for Bebito is pretty left field. I’m expecting Lucard to demand a rematch.

Next Week’s Battle: CIMA, TARU, SUWA, and Don Fuji take on Ric Flair, Tully Blanchard, Arn Anderson, and Ole Anderson in a battle of the classic stables!

Christmas Time Hullabaloo!
Well, like many of the Kliq members, this is my first 411Games Christmas. I’d like to give people some presents, if you don’t mind.

To: Bryan Berg
From: Chuck

A frame for your diploma and a job worthy of your mad business skillz. And some pie.

To: Alex Williams
From: Chuck

An injury free year of dance dancing and a new name so you aren’t stuck being Alex-2. You can be Chuck Williams from now on. Ummm, Chuck-2, that is.

To: Lee Baxley
From: Chuck Platt

All of the Sonny Chiba Street Fighter movies and a great tenure at your new job. So when are you going to weasel me in? I’m so tired of Kansas City.

To: Cory Laflin
From: Chuck Platt

A string of Live victories and a pile of porn. Woo-hoo porn!

To: Fred Badlissi
From: Chuck Platt

I will stop calling you Frank. And some more rockin’ for 2004!

To: liquidcross
From: Chuck Platt

A capital “L” and some sedatives.

To: Chris Pankonin
From: Chuck Platt

A big hat that says “#1 Boss!” and some sweet new XBOX games.

To: Bebito Jackson
From: Chuck Platt

I will not tell anyone that you are really a Mexican lesbian who used to star in soap operas.

To: Misha
From: Chuck Platt

An NTSC console and a bottle of American whiskey.

To: Alex Lucard
From: Chuck Platt

Your heat back from jobbing to Bebito, a year full of Pokemon fun, and a steady girlfriend. Or at least a few good lays.

To: You, the reader
From: Chuck Platt

More ‘What the Hell Happened To…” and less of last week. Hopefully.

Well, I hope everyone has a great Christmas and has fun. Enjoy the people you are with and eat and drink without a care. Until next week, keep those thumbs callused and flexible.







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