Welcome to the longest weekly running episodic column here at Diehard GameFAN, “Hi-Technical Knockout”Â, in which two DHGF staffers or IP alums or hangers on engage in a micro-polemic on a (trivial) topic TO THE DEATH!
Except for today.
We won’t be doing that today.
Feel free to suggest a future discussion topic by emailing WBXylo@gmail.com, subject: H-TKO! .
Topic #8: What do you get if you multiply six by nine?
Today we will be giving out the correct answers to the last seven discussion topics here at Hi-Technical Knockout!
1.Sometimes in feet the second toe is longer than the big toe.
Sometimes in video games, the penultimate boss fight is more interesting/challenging/memorable/better than the ultimate boss fight.
Is this a problem?
No. Of course not. The final boss of the greatest video game of all time is less challenging than the penultimate boss. Therefore, this cannot be a problem.
2. Everybody is familiar with the story of the perfect man who came from heaven, was raised by a humble Earth family and did only good.
Yet, Superman is the star of some notoriously bad video games.
Why is this?
And while you are at it pitch me a better one.
These games suck because the developers of these games are not Superman fans. At least not in such a way that they understand the core of the character. Superman’s greatest ability is the ability to inspire others to do good.
All those things that are supposed to make Superman hard to write as a comic apply to video games. On the surface, it is a problem that he is too powerful, that there are too many other characters with powers like him, that he is too good, that he is too hard to relate to, etc. etc.
These complaints are for pussies. All-Star Superman makes Superman more powerful, puts him with a bunch of characters with similar powers, makes him unquestionably noble, and can be related to easily. It could inspire a rad game and frankly, you could do any number of good Superman video games. You could do crazy Silver Age stories, you could make it about saving your friends from trouble, you could make it about keeping Jimmy Olsen out of trouble, etc. etc.
3. I assumed after seeing them together in a sports mini-game collection and a party fighting game, that we would see Mario and Sonic together in an rad 2-D platformer.
I’m still waiting.
What the hell, guys?
Are the platforming adventures of Mario and Sonic incompatible?
Here’s what you do. You introduce some sort of Marvel vs. DC Access type character. You have a Mario level that plays like a Mario level. Than you play a Sonic level that plays like a Sonic level. Then you mix things up and struggle with Mario in a Sonic level and Sonic in a Mario level.
You let Mario gather rings and Sonic get a fire flower. Let things get wacky. (I didn’t deduct points at the time, but coins and rings are different guys.)
Eventually, you fight in an amalgam world with chaos emeralds and tanooki suits. Goomba in Robot suits! You fight Bowser, you fight Robotnik, then you fight a Bowser-Robotnic Hybrid. Tails and Luigi get drunk together in the Sidekicks Lounge. Call me Nintendo!
4. New and exciting fighting games don’t seem to exist anymore. We only get sequels of a franchise or mash-ups of two or more franchises.
Is the genre stuck on a nostalgia loop, and if so, how can we stop it?
Or am I way off base?
Fighting games are dead until we have holodeck technology. Deal.
5. Which are worse, Movies based on Video Games or Video Games based on Movies?
Support your argument with specific examples.
Video Games based on Movies are worse than movies based on games. Easy peasy.
It gets complicated only by the fact that video games based on movies are also better than movies based on games.
The sheer number of them insist upon it.
The worst of the worst video games I have ever played have been based on movies.
But Goldeneye, based on a terrible movie, is among the best games I’ve ever played.
Alone in the Dark may be a terrible movie, but I’ve seen much worse. Bad movies get released all the time.
Some games are so bad that they only get released because of a connection to a movie tricking people into buying them. It is easier to release a bad movie than a bad game.
6. Super-heroes get all the games. Nuts to that. I want to be a super-villain.
Which comic book super-villain would make for the best video game?
Bullseye. Bullseye would make the best GTA clone around. Not only is he an amoral assassin with ties to Daredevil, Punisher, Kingpin, Elektra, The Green Goblin, and any number of Marvel characters, he also happens to be able to turn ANYTHING into a weapon.
You could do missions in order to work your way up to being the Kingpin’s number one assassin, you could turn on the Kingpin, you could work for the Rose instead, or you could spend all your time killing bikers with pencils.
The world would be your oyster.
7. Most protagonists in video games have interesting jobs. Lara Croft is an archeologist, Master Chief is a space marine, Ryu Hayabusa is a ninja, this sort of thing. It’s rare that we see a protagonist with a more realistic, boring job, like Mario the plumber or Freddy Pharkas: Frontier Pharmacist. Pitch me a protagonist with a boring job and make their game exciting.
The question fails to realize the success of DINER DASH style games, which basically take a mundane job, present it as is, and deliver a game that is like crack cocaine to a large segment of the population.
We’ve had games where you cook, babysit, garden, host dinner parties, and all of those have MAMA in the title.
Therefore, the mundane job that we need to be able to play in a video game is that of Earth Elemental.
Stay tuned next week for your regularly scheduled Hi-Technical Knockout!
Tags: everything, hi-technical knockout, Life, the universe