Ask the Kliq #4

Ask the Kliq #4

Every once in a while, you will think about video games and then ask yourself a question that has no rhyme or reason, but that just happened to pop in your head at that exact moment. In some rare instances, not even Google or Wikipedia can provide the answer you need. Sometimes you wouldn’t even need an answer to that question.

This is where we come in.

Our panel of experts is here to take on all of your video games-related questions, no matter how serious or silly they may be. With each new edition, we will submit a question to this elite committee, which will in turn try to provide you, our beloved readers, with the most accurate answer they can come up with.

Do you have a question for us? Shoot us an e-mail at kapoutman AT hotmail.com with the subject line “Ask the Kliq”. The best questions will be featured in an upcoming column.

This Week’s Question

On Tuesday, October 14th, Canadian voters went out to choose Stephan Harper as their next Prime-Minister. On November 4th, American voters picked Obama as the next President of the United States of America. On December 8th, Quebec voters went out and chose Jean Charest as their new Prime-Minister. Apparently, North America is going election-crazy, so here at Diehard GameFAN, we started getting in the mood for some video games politics. With that in mind, here is this week’s question:

Which video game character would you like to see as YOUR president, and who would you see as his/her vice-president?

Aaron Sirois: I’d love to see Miles Edgeworth as president. I think his strong prosecuting record combined with fierce determination for justice could help him be a great leader. Also, thanks to his losses to Phoenix Wright, he’s learned some humility and might not be so quick to judge people as guilty all of the time.

For vice president I’d have to go with Dick Gumshoe. Why? Because Dick Gumshoe is the perfect absent-minded-yet-loveable sidekick to balance out Edgeworth’s callousness.

Robert Capra: For President, I’d have to throw my support behind Dr. Thomas Light. We need more science in this country, and he’s just the man to bring it to us. The industry sector would be completely revolutionized, and the energy crisis would be solved instantly. If your car was low on fuel, you’d simply destroy any one of the numerous small robots that wandered the streets and be rewarded with a power cell of some kind.

To balance the ticket of blissful sci-fi utopia we’d need someone who’s not afraid to get his hands a bit dirty in the world. Someone to think 5 steps ahead of our enemies and keep us safe. Ladies and Gentlemen, we need Batman to be our Vice-President. He’d do a great job running the shadow government behind the scenes, and he has some of the best surveillance equipment ever made. I mean, what could go wrong with a giant, artificially intelligent satellite named Brother Eye?

Alex Lucard: Wow. President, eh? I think I would have to go with the almighty Geese Howard from South Town.

There are several reasons why Geese would be an awesome despot ruler. First of all Mr. Howard owns and runs his own large business, Geese Connections. This shows that unlike career politicians who make business decisions based on what corporation lines their pockets, Geese understands the plight of the small business owner and would attempt to make things fair for both the national conglomerates as well as the mom n’ pop shops.

Second, Geese is a former police commissioner showing that he understands how dangerous the world can be at times and what lengths we might sometimes have to go to in order to ensure safety for our families, friends, and country.

Third, Geese Howard is excellent with international relations seeing as he has beaten the crap out of people from all around the world. Foreign emissaries will find Mr. Howard scary, but they will also respect him due to his amazing martial arts prowess and ability to beat up pretty much anyone. Except Terry Bogard.

Fourth, After collecting the sacred scrolls of Jin, Geese Howard is now immortal and even more crazy powerful than when he was a mere human. Nightmare Geese in Real Bout Fatal Fury is just that and remains one of the most difficult bosses in gaming history.

In short, Vote Geese Howard for President…or he’ll fucking kill you.

Charlie Marsh: I’m going with Colonel William Guile.

He’s an experienced military man, so him as Commander-in-Chief would bring a quick end to the war in Iraq. And if his strategies don’t work, he’ll just go over himself and Sonic Boom and Flashkick the shit out of anyone who hates freedom. In addition to ending that war, no one would dare mess with this country again.

His running mate? Haggar from Final Fight. He’s just as much an ass kicker and actually has political experience.

Michael O’Reilly:

Nathan Birch: I choose “Anonymous Farmer Guy” from the Harvest Moon series. He’s folksy as all get-out, down to earth, family values oriented and understands the concerns of the common man. Like when your cow keeps wandering outside and getting sick forcing you to spend all your money on cow medicine instead of gifts that will let you befriend the sasquatch who lives outside your farm. Sasquatches are a hot-button issue this election.

As for his running-mate I choose the coyly sexy librarian Maria from the same series…

…oh Maria, my heart meter will always be filled for you.

ML Kennedy: As he is THE most popular video game character around, and has had every other job imaginable from boxing referee to bumblebee, I thought it best to go over the qualifications of Mario. Let us recognize the distinguished gentleman representing the Mushroom Kingdom.

Name: Mario Mario
Party Affiliation : The Mario Party (1-8)
Platform: All turtles must die

Qualifications:
– Copious amounts of expertise in various fields (plumber, carpenter, doctor, archaeologist, NBA Baller, snowboarder, golfer, go-kart racer, etc)
– With multiple lives, no Secret Service is necessary
– Has an embarrassment for a brother a la Clinton and Carter
– Is able to set aside differences and work with enemies in times of crisis
– The ability to jump several times his own height
– Kickass mustache

Drawbacks:
– Is possibly not a natural born citizen
– Compromising photos of Mario wearing a Tanooki suit.
– Lacks formal military experience

Now as his running mate, there is only one logical choice.

Guy Desmarais: In a time of crisis like this, we need someone with authority and confidence. We need someone righteous who has the leadership necessary to bring his fellow citizens out of troubles. The only person I know who consistently knows the solution to every problem when it comes to running a government is Dr. Wright of SimCity fame.

“Traffic jams everywhere! Build a public transport system!”

“Crime rate is rising! Build more police stations!”

“Bowser destroyed your town! Stop the fires and bulldoze affected zones!”

That guy would always have an answer for any question I might have. Plus, he has a crazy hairdo and a moustache, and as we all know, people with crazy hair and moustache are smart. Look at Einstein.

The vice-president needs to be someone old and wise who has a lot of experience and knows what to do if the president doubts himself. Cranky Kong more than fits the bill, as he has been around almost longer than anybody in video games, and he always has sound advices for anybody who is patient enough to sit down with him and listen. Plus, he would be a great interview on political talk shows since he has so many stories to tell, and he has a tendency to lose his temper, which these kind of shows seem to love.


There are so many approaches to governing. I think that our team managed to find something to fit everyone, from those who prefer their presidents to have a military background to those who prefer their leaders to be near dictators. Once again, it’s “mission accomplished” for the Kliq. Still, we would like to hear from you. Which pairing would you vote for? Hit the comments section or send an e-mail to the address below.

Do you have a question of your own which you want our experts to answer? Send an e-mail to kapoutman AT hotmail.com with the subject line “Ask the Kliq”. We’ll put our team right on it.

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