Inside Pulse 12

A Thumb to the Eye – Jetix Puzzle Buzzle

Jetix Puzzle Buzzle
Genre: Puzzle
Developer: Blast! Entertainment
Publisher: Blast! Entertainment
Release Date: 4/4/08 (Europe)

I love puzzle games. I love all sorts of puzzle games, from dropping piece games to whatever the Hell Puchi Puchi Virus was. I love puzzle games so much that I will even randomly import games in the puzzle genre in hopes of getting a new fix. Sometimes this game is Puchi Puchi Virus, fun and quality and worth the money and effort. Sometimes, sadly, it’s Jetix Puzzle Buzzle. What was I thinking.

First off, this has to be the strangest license in the history of video gaming. Jetix is a block of anime and anime style cartoons on Toon Disney, at least here in the States. In Europe, Jetix is the name of the channel itself, formerly known as Fox Kids. When I bought this game, I figured I was getting a puzzle game that somehow incorporated the characters from the shows on said programming block. Not quite.

No, in Jetix Puzzle Buzzle, you play as the Jetix logo. I would call it a mascot, if it were in fact a mascot. It is not. It is an approximation of the letter “x” with an eye ball in the center. Or is that centre? Anyway, you get to play as a letter of the alphabet. Woo, exciting.

As the Jetix logo, the player, who hopefully is never you, because this game is seriously awful, hops around at the bottom of a well, stacking Tetris-esque puzzle pieces and tossing bombs at the computer controlled opponent. Fun. Thing is, the player can’t just stack them as high as he wants and hop out of the hole. No, the player has to make the pile as stable as possible by completing lines with his Tetris-esque pieces. Climb out of the well and you are rewarded with… more Goddamn wells to be stuck in.

All of this might be fun, but the graphics and physics are decidedly Flash. Not even good Flash. Banner ad game level flash. I was longing to play Diner Dash on my cell phone after this abortion. Hopping around as an anthropomorphic letter in a well may be a blast to some people, but I get the impression that a Buzzle is some sort of codeword for self-inflicted torture.

WORTHLESS

Short Attention Span Summary
In the end, this game would be over priced if it was strapped to a free XBOX 360 and a pizza. I would sooner use a coat hanger to scratch my prostate from the inside than ever boot this lazy, no fun, mindless, hackneyed, pitiful excuse for shovelware ever again. Burn in Hell, Blast! Entertainment. Burn in Hell.

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