I’m back with my thoughts on an episode of the new season of The Tester. Last week was merely an introduction, but this week we start getting all of the juicy low rent reality drama that we all love to hate!
One contestant is gone and eleven are remaining. The prize is a job as production assistant for an “unannounced AAA PS3 game” being developed by Santa Monica Studios. The educated guess is that this game is God of War IV, and these people should count themselves born lucky to have the chance to bring coffee to the people making that game.
Anyways, I’m sure you didn’t start reading this article to hear me gush about the amazing awesome God of War franchise. So let’s get down to business.
1. We start off at last week’s elimination. Egoraptor made it through by the seat of his pants, and everyone is gunning for him now. The consensus is that he only avoided the axe because of the fans that voted him in the show. Thus, he’s become the black sheep of the group. Maybe that will teach him to even jokingly infer that he wants attention when competing on a crappy reality TV show. These other contestants have principles damn it!
2. So now we get to the stupid part of the show where someone suggests an “alliance”Â. This isn’t Survivor. The judges are the ones who decide who leaves, and all of the teaming up can’t save you if you screw up bad enough. Suzkaiden, the annoying girl who has been competing with Ego as most hated member of the cast, goes to Reality Palez and pops the question. He agrees on the basis that she is weak and he could easily beat her in a finals situation. Of course he doesn’t tell her that.
3. It’s time for the first team picks! Burnnibelheim and Ninjanomyx are randomly chosen to be team captains, with teams named after factions from Twisted Metal. Burn heads the Dollfaces while Ninja captains the Sweet Tooths. Gender profiling at its best, ladies and gentlemen. Ninja gets first pick and goes for Reality, further boosting his “I’m the best ego.” At the end, Suz and Ego are the last to be chosen, with Burn grabbing Ego reluctantly. Since there were an odd number of players, Suz is not picked.
4. Instead, we get a challenge! The winner sticks the other team with Suz, which they make clear will be a huge disadvantage in the next immunity challenge. I’m not sure if they meant to, but I can only imagine this further damaged Suz’s ego. Not only was she last picked, but Meredith goes on about what a drag she’ll be. It was hilarious.
5. The challenge takes one player from each team and tasks them with killing a boss in the new Twisted Metal game. Reality and Krysti Pryde are chosen to do the honors. The boss fight is against the Brothers Grimm, which is Sweet Tooth’s final level. I know this because I literally beat that boss not ten minutes before watching the show. Taking them both down is tough as hell, but just one isn’t too bad. Reality wins the challenge using mega guns, which Ninja comments are supposed to be weak. Yeah. Because the large bold letters that say “MEGA GUNS” mean you have a wimpy pea shooter. Moron. So anyways, Suz ends up on the Dollfaces.
6. To prepare for the next challenge, the teams get a huge rack of clown clothes to dress up in. Add in make up, and they end up looking like a bizarre Twisted Metal cosplay group. During the dress up, Suz confronts Krysti for some reason. The reality TV drama starts as she starts crying and accusing Krysti of being a bitch in disguise. This furthers the notion, and rightfully so, that Suz is a crazy emotional wreck. Remember this for later.
7. This week’s special guest judge is none other than David Jaffe! If you don’t know who he is, I feel bad for you. He’s probably here just to promote Twisted Metal, because at first he doesn’t seem too interested in what’s going on. He perks up at the costumes though, even claiming to be turned on by some of the contestants. Oh Jaffe. You sick bastard. That can’t be appropriate.
8. So the challenge is to assemble an ice cream truck out of a bunch of parts, being careful to use every part correctly. Then three members will hop in the truck while two more pull the truck across a course. At intervals, a designated shooter must take out a target with a NERF gun. The big disadvantage for the Dollfaces is that the extra member will be dead weight, unable to help in anyway, but also have to be pulled in the truck. The prize is a Sony headset and an autographed copy of Twisted Metal for every member of the winning team. It’s no Vita, but that’s still a pretty nifty haul, as those are not cheap items. The challenge itself is mystifying. I suppose they’ll claim it will allow them to gauge teamwork and the ability to work under pressure. Just like the bugs last week taught them how people would handle bugs in games. Amazing logic there.
9. Suz and Asuukaa build for the Dollfaces while Ninja and SkyD1ddy build for the Sweet Tooths. They make sure to include a racist comment by Ninja so we don’t forget he’s an ass, and off we go. The girls start off fast and furious, building the cart quickly. The guys are super slow. However, the girls screw up a bolt or two, and end up trying to hammer a large bolt into a small hole, despite the instructions of a screaming Ego. The guys make up the ground, and the team ends up finishing the course with the Dolls never getting off the ground. Reality Palez take this moment to gloat about how he has yet to lose a challenge. There’s a silly girl fight in the back about who should go.
10. It’s time to eliminate someone! The obvious choices are Asuukaa, Suz, and Burn, as each was integral to the Doll’s failure. Asuukaa goes right on the attack of Suz. First she tries to blame Suz’s speaking in Spanish. She’s right. You can’t have proper communication if a member of your team refuses to speak your language. Jaffe calls bullshit on that, which makes him stupid. He starts praising Suz for her passion, proving he has not seen any footage of her “passion” stemming from her emotional problems. They go after Burn next, for lack of leadership. This is also stupid, as Burn delegated roles based on people’s strengths. Suz stepped up and said she built “shit” all her life, which the other members of the team mistakenly remember as “I build houses”Â, and try to bury her on that. Suz is saved, however, because of her “passion” and Asuukaa is given the axe because she was throwing out too many excuses and didn’t own up to her part in the failure. Throughout all of this, Reality never came to the aid of the girl in his so called alliance. The judges didn’t have all the information, but they were right that Asuukaa tried too hard to deflect. She failed too, and needed to own up to it. Suz is still the weaker player, but she was saved by the very thing that makes her a liability. Ironic, no?
Next week, Sony is pimping the Uncharted game to time with the release of the Vita. Nolan North makes a guest appearance and the contestants get to try their hands on an obstacle course. There will be laughs, screams, and tears, and maybe not just from me! Come back next week for my thoughts on that sure to be thrilling episode.
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