Kickin’ It Old School – Total Carnage

I hate dealing with people. People suck. That’s why I like studying archaeology, so I only have to deal with people long after they’re dead. So, you could say that spending my summer working at a country club wasn’t exactly my dream job. The people were just irritating, impatient, ill-mannered…that’s neither here nor there.

So how did I unwind after any particularly infuriating day bringing people their way overpriced salads? Get a caring, loving, supportive girlfriend who would make everything okay? Yea, well that didn’t work, so welcome to plan B.

Total Carnage (SNES, 1992)

General Akhboob (it’s a trap?) has captured a bunch of reporters in his country and has built up an army of mutants, and is bent on world domination. It’s up to the U.S. to rescue the reporters and bring freedom to this dictatorship! Uncle Sam sends Captain Carnage and Major Mayhem (oh, I love this game!) to accomplish this task.

Although you could probably guess from the title, the object of this game is basically to destroy everything in your path. Playing as Capt. Carnage by yourself, or alongside Maj. Mayhem in 2-player mode, the game plays like its Midway predecessor Smash T.V. Enemies attack from all directions and, playing on the SNES, pressing one of the A, B, X, or Y buttons shoots in that direction, for example, pressing A would shoot to the right, pressing B would shoot down, etc.

You can pick up all sorts of weapon upgrades in this game, ranging from a simple rifle to a rocket launcher to two different types of flame throwers, along with a variety of shields and other helpful items you can pick up. There are many bonus areas you can access in which you are rewarded for destroying a bevy of enemies with the rescue of the aforementioned reporters, some of whom seem scantily clad, because…well, why the hell not?

Now, although this game is 15 years old, I realize some people can be rather particular when it comes to spoilers, but I just have to talk about the end of this game, so…tough toenails kids. So as it would turn out, the end of the game reveals Gen. Akhboob’s true identity: Adolf Hitler. He’s really an evil alien conqueror, but of course, he’s no match for our favorite commandos. According to that bastion of truth, Wikipedia, this final battle is omitted from the SNES version of the game. Can’t imagine why…

So you can see how this could help me unwind after a stressful day. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: there’s nothing better than running around a foreign nation blowing crap up! And hey, at least I did it in a video game and not in real life.

Next time: Jet Force Gemini an amazing, yet somewhat under-known N64 game.