The Top Thirty Thirty-two Worst Horror Games, Ever
PART ONE: INTRODUCTION
Greetings, people. My name is Mark B, in case you weren’t aware, and I’d like to welcome you to the Top Thirty Worst Horror games countdown. Alongside me is my associate Matt Yeager…
Yo.
And today we’re going to give you an introduction to the list, which officially starts this Wednesday. You might have noticed the little graphics next to our pictures; they’re there to distinguish who’s who.
That’s right. I will be represented by this icon…
… while I use this one. And with that, let’s get this show on the road. Matt?
Thanks. Every genre has its share of bad games. For every good FPS there’s some piece of junk like Fugitive Hunter, for every GTA there’s a ton of bad clones like True Crime: Streets of New York. There will always be plenty of publishing companies ready to throw crap at a wall and see what sticks. But compared to every other genre the Survival-Horror genre gets some of the worst treatment… it’s as if many development companies just assume that if they throw some vampires or zombies into a game, we’ll be wetting our pants so bad we’ll forget about how horrible the rest of the game is.
Sadly enough, we do forget. Because of that Survival-Horror fans get some of the most half-assed attempts at video games on the market. Some of the problem stems from one of the most popular horror games ever made: Resident Evil. I love the first game, but it had clunky controls, dialogue so bad it was funny (Barry? Where’s… Barry?), and a couple of puzzles that barely made sense. But we loved it. Even with all that it was one of the first video games to make me jump when that dog jumped through the window in one of the first hallways (you know you jumped too). Ever since then game companies assumed that as long as something on the screen made us jump they could get away with bad controls and other problems with excuses like ‘If it was easy to control the game would be less scary’. No morons, it would be less annoying, not less scary.
Don’t believe me? Then I dare you to find a genre with worse games than what we’re going to be covering with this list.
What, you thought we’d let the opportunity pass us by? Please. A lot of people are more than willing to focus on the positive, to show us that quality games come out all the time, all around us. We don’t do that. Instead, we like to remind people that hey, shit happens, usually in your console. Anyone who’s followed my exploits knows all too well that sometimes, bad gaming is inevitable, as is making fun of it. Matt, well, I don’t know what his damage is. I think a 3DO raped him when he was little.
And this brings us to the topic at hand: bad horror games. Sometimes, you’re given a horror icon or some sort or another, and he or she is represented in a hideous fashion. Sometimes, some asshole decides to make a “me too” title that happens to suck. Sometimes a game simply collapses under its own hype. Whatever the reason, that game you brought home that you thought was going to be great ends up being a great waste of time. Such is life.
We hear you. And we’re here to give you vengeance.
What you’re going to get over the next three weeks is no less than the epitome of craptastic horror gaming. Each and every game on the list follows two basic rules: it’s horror themed, and it sucks.
Before we get to that, though, we’ll give you some dishonorable mentions… games that are bad, but not quite bad enough to make a place on the list.
Not that being on the list is any sort of an admirable achievement.
Right. These games can take solace in knowing that they weren’t quite as bad as the rest of the games on the list.
And among them, we have:
CASTLEVANIA 64:
Some games work in 3D.
Some games don’t.
Castlevania doesn’t.
Maybe it’s the whip that’s hard to do in 3D or something, but Castlevania 64 took one of my favorite games growing up and turned it into a bland 3D action game that sucked a lot of the fun right out of the game. Which, ultimately, is the biggest sin that Castlevania 64 commits. It’s just not very fun to play. What’s sad is the N64 got two 3D Castlevania’s that hardly anyone remembers, while the Playstation received what is considered by many to be the best Castlevania game to date: Symphony of the Night. Even after trying with a couple more 3D Castlevania games on the PS2, the 3D games are still not as well received as the 2D games that have been released on Nintendo’s portable systems.
RULE OF ROSE:
Not that Rule of Rose isn’t a bad game or anything… I think the review speaks for itself. No, Rule of Rose doesn’t make the list because
1.) the storyline is good enough that it manages to make the game better than most of the games on this list, and
2.) I didn’t feel like writing another two or three hundred words about it, let alone forcing Matt to go find it and play it.
And I appreciate that.
BLOODRAYNE 2:
Hang on, I liked the first Bloodrayne.
So did I. Did you like the second one?
Well, not so much…
Right. It was a sloppy rehash of an above average game that did nothing substantially better and, without the Nazis, was substantially less interesting.
Don’t forget the Playboy shoot.
Ugh. Naked polygon boobies as an advertising gimmick are forever burned into my brain.
SHADOWMAN: 2ECOND COMING:
Hey, an Acclaim game. That’s surprising.
This one’s mostly in the runner-up list at all because Acclaim tried to advertise the game on tombstones. Still, it’s a lame piece of-
Tombstones?
Yes, tombstones. As in, real tombstones in a real graveyard.
Wow.
That about sums it up, doesn’t it?
Yeah. I don’t think anything could possibly make the game any worse than that.
And last, but not least…
RESIDENT EVIL GAIDEN:
…
…
… it was Resident Evil, only you played Mario Golf to kill zombies.
… yeah. I think that about sums it up.
Alright, so, that’s the “runner up” list. Join us on Wednesday when we tackle the first four, numbers thirty-two through twenty-eight.
Why did we do thirty-two again?
Because I wrote one two many.
Ah. I forgot. Anyway, stop in on Wednesday, folks, we’ve got a real treat for ya. I’m Mark, he’s Matt, and we’re out.
…Tombstones?
It’s going to be a long three weeks.
PART TWO.