Hey yo. I’m back again. Like herpes. You just can’t seem to get rid of me, can you. No matter how hard you try, and how much you hope, I’ll always be around.
How do you like the new look? I said I was going to spiff things up a little around here. In addition to the logos, I’m going to go back to my old news format. I just never did like having THAT much bold. I may play around with other things as the weeks go on. Please feel free to send me feedback on what you think.
I was thinking as I was writing this (no, I didn’t hurt myself) that I’m not sure what people think of me in my reports. I mean, how I come across in my writing? Do I sound like I’m a cynical asshole who hates on everything? I think so. That’s how I feel a lot of the time. Or do I sound like a fanboi? I feel like that sometimes too, really. Or am I just wishy-washy? Hell, I don’t know. It’s just weird, I don’t even know how I am overall. It doesn’t really matter or anything, it’s just something I thought of. I guess it all depends on the topic. Some things I’m very picky about and some things I’m either ambivalent or open minded about. There’s one thing I know for sure though. EA pretty much sucks.
Other than that, there’s nothing really all that special to say this week. It’s a new week, and I’ve got lots and lots of reviewing coming up in the near future. I’m currently writing a Lost in Blue interview, and after that is Castlevania: Curse of Dawn, Fatal Frame III and Dragon Quest VIII. I’m sure I’ll be tapped to do some of the Xbox 360 reviews as well since it looks like I’ll be the only one on the site to have one. Assuming of course that Walmart doesn’t screw me over. It’s a definite possibility.
So anyway, let’s get on with it. Send in the clowns!
Atlus announced the development of two new games: Steambot Chronicles and Metal Saga
Steambot Chronicles is described as a non-linear adventure/RPG with “sandbox gameplay”. Unfortunately, it is also compared to Black and White and Fable. Second is Metal Saga is set in a time after much of humanity is destroyed by a supercomputer known as Noah. It’s another non-linear RPG in which you can do all sorts of things to unlock different endings. No word on release dates or if either game will be released in America.
Apparently linear RPGs are the bane of existence, but it’s rather humorous to call Fable non-linear, when it is anything but. Fable was the biggest sham ever. And comparing an RPG to Black or White and Fable (which are totally different games in every way imaginable) is not a good thing in my opinion. Both of these two games sound interesting, and since it’s Atlus, I give them the benefit of the doubt, but pick better games to compare them to.
Castlevania Movie in the works
Crystal Sky pictures has recently purchased the rights to make a Castlevania movie, and have tapped Paul W.S. Anderson to direct. It will reportedly be about the early days of Dracula and the never-ending battle the Belmont clan has with the lord of darkness.
First thought: at least it’s not Uwe Boll. Second thought: Paul W.S. Anderson isn’t as bad as some people make him out to be. Third thought: sometimes he can be downright awful though. Honestly, I loved the original Mortal Kombat movie. MK: Annihilation was awful, but that’s because a) 99% of the cast did not return from the first, and b) because the director sucks. (On a side note, the director of Annihilation, John R. Leonetti, will be ruining the Butterfly Effect by directing a sequel to it). I’ve heard mostly good things about the Resident Evil movie, though mostly from people who don’t like the game. Wait, I don’t know many people who liked the game anyway. Anyhow, I guess this will be a wait and see thing. I’ll probably go see it just because it’s Castlevania.
(Credit: Games are Fun, Coming Soon)
Electronic Arts has is releasing a compilation called Command and Conquer: The First Decade
In short, this is a collection of ALL C&C games released to date (C&C, C&C2, C&C:RA, C&C:RA2, C&C:Generals, C&C:Renegade, and all expansions for the above). It will retail for $39.99, and there is no release date as of yet.
EA loyalists will say that this is a great deal. People like me look at it as YET ANOTHER way EA wants to scam you out of your money. C&C fans won’t give a shit because they’ve already had these games for a while now. This is only a way to get people who aren’t fans to buy it. Yea, there’s nothing wrong with that, but when you consider that there are almost as many Command and Conquer COLLECTIONS as there are games, it just goes to show you how EA hates everyone and wants to screw us out of money. Another good example of this is The Sims and The Sims 2. The Sims had like 8 expansions. They were “nice” and after expansion 3, they released The Sims and the first expansion pack for the price that The Sims originally was. Gee, thanks EA. The actual Electronics Arts company does not have a SINGLE lick of originality in them. That’s why people like me hate them and hate what they’ve done to gaming.
(Credit: Games are Fun)
Child’s Play Charity 2005 Opens
Penny Arcade has opened the doors this year for their annual charity drive, Child’s Play. For those that don’t know, it’s a drive to buy games and toys for sick children (and their families) who are stuck in hospitals. It’s mainly designed to give these people a bright spot in what could otherwise be a dreary holiday season. They started doing this a couple of years ago, with only the Seattle Children’s Hospital, but since then it’s grown to be a huge event, and they now are donating for 15 hospitals. One is in Hawaii, two are in Canada, and one is even in the UK. This is our chance, as gamers, to prove that Jack Thompson is a fool. This is our chance to make a difference.
Now, I’ll be perfectly honest. I haven’t ever donated a lick to charity. I haven’t done anything for Child’s Play either. But I am going to this year. I now have a nice stable job, and I’m going to help out a little. I’m not going to be able to afford a whole PS2 or anything, but I can certainly swing a game, or two, if they’re on the cheaper end. So I implore you, please give something if you have the means. There are cheap games on there too, and toys as well. So if I crotchety old miser like myself can find a little money to spare for some kids, I’m sure a lot of others can do. The site is http://www.childsplaycharity.org/.
(Credit: Penny Arcade)
Jack Thompson iz teh l053r!
I hate doing that, but I love making fun of people who type like that all the time. Anyway, Jack Thompson has removed himself from the frivolous Strickland vs. Sony lawsuit in Fayette County, Alabama. It is speculated that he was asked to step down, but he denies that fact. One fact that we are all aware of is that Thompson is a moron. This trial was stupid and it was settled before it started. I will be very surprised if the Plaintiffs win in this trial. Then again, 51% of Americans are retarded and voted for the dumbest leader in the history of the world. Yes, if you are reading this, and you voted for George W. Bush in the 2nd election, you are FUCKING RETARDED. I was nice the first time around, because there was ignorance to be had, but after 4 years of him f*cking up our country, 51% of the people were stupid enough to think that he would do a better job of Kerry. Ok, politically motivated rant over.
(Credit: Game Politics)
PS3 and the Used Games Conundrum (RUMOR)
Sony has been much maligned as of late thanks to the malware they install on your computers when you play one of their CDs (they call it rootkit, but it’s really pretty much spyware and a DRM in one). The latest piece of information out from Sony rumor mongers is that they have patented technology that allows them to prevent used games and pirated software from being played on the PS3. See, basically when you play a game, it will automatically register it to your PS3, and if you try and play it on a different PS3, it won’t work. So no more used games, no Gamefly, nothing. Keep in mind, this is a BIG BIG rumor, and may not come to pass.
That being said, if they do this, it will be a BAD BAD idea. PS3 game sales will plummet, because if no one can try their games before they buy them, and they can’t sell them to recoup their losses, they will be much less likely to buy any games. Now, I could be alarmist and say that if they do this shit, I won’t buy a PS3. But I know that’s unrealistic to say. I do know that I will be VERY picky when it comes to buying games though. So with any luck, this rumor is either bullshit or just wrong. Because it would be a really bad idea for Sony to do this.
(Credit: Evil Avatar, Joystiq)
Take Two Aquires Firaxis Games
This doesn’t really come as much of a surprise, but it is a rather odd pairing. As the headline says, the company that Sid built is owned by the company that GTA built. It will become a subsidiary of 2K Games. The only problem I have with this is that this type of thing happens a lot. A publisher will publish games for a smaller company, and then end up buying them out. But this becomes a problem when the bigger company basically screws the company (see: EA giving it to Origin like the latter was a prison bitch). Speaking of EA, Take Two is getting pretty big now, and I really hope they don’t turn into the same sort of stinking pile of shit that EA is. Innovation is GOOD! Money is good too, but the mindless sheep will only pay you for so long EA. Mark my words. One day, the mighty shall fall.
(Credit: Evil Avatar)
Why Oblivion was delayed
Pete Hines, the PR guy at Bethesda, gives us some details as to why Oblivion has been delayed: “In short, the game is coming out in early 2006 because it isn’t done yet. We still have things that need to be done before the game is released. So we continue to optimize, test, balance, etc. We’ve already gone way beyond what we did in any game previously in playtesting and balancing this game. Way beyond. But there is work that needs to be done and so development continues to go on pretty much around the clock. We will not put out a more specific date until we are certain we will be ready then. Like system specs, we aren’t fans of putting out info that changes later on and only confuses or annoys our fans.”
You know, I threatened Pete Hines with bodily harm once if Oblivion was pushed back. I don’t know why, I knew it was going to happen. The game is simply too f*cking huge. And I’m glad they are putting the extra effort to polish the game. There are plenty of companies out there (*cough*EA*cough*) who would release a buggy unfinished product. Bethsoft is a pretty classy company, so it’s good they are taking their time to make this game as good as possible. Their next task? Make Fallout 3 good enough so that the psycho fans of the series won’t kill them.
(Credit: Evil Avatar, ElderScrolls.com)
Bitchfest time! Gamefly has treated me very well as of late. I just wish the shit would arrive faster. Take for example a game (Lost in Blue) that was shipped out on 11/1. I didn’t receive it until 11/5. This wouldn’t be so bad except that I need to review Castlevania: Curse of Darkness, and I can’t get it shipped out until I receive one of these and send it back. Since I got TWO games in on Saturday, I couldn’t send them back until Monday, which means it probably won’t be until Friday till I get Castlevania. Arg.
But how were those two games that I waited so long for?
Well, the first one I popped in was Meteos. I’d heard a lot about it, so I figured I’d give it a shot. And it was good and all, but just not something I’d want to own. I haven’t been really big into puzzle games for a long, long time, and even though the music and graphics were really nice, and the gameplay was unique, I just don’t see myself playing this sort of game much. I shipped it out on Monday so I could hopefully get Castlevania by the end of this week.
Lost in Blue was the other title, and it’s pretty fun. I won’t go into more detail than that because I’m currently writing a review on it which will be out either this week or next.
Last week, I pointed you towards a sale ADV was having. Well, it seems as if the day after I made my own purchases, the sale was discontinued. My card has been charged though, so they better actually be sending me my shit. I want my shit! And I ain’t gonna die until I get it!!
Only one show this week, unfortunately. And like the House of Wax, it was a great disappointment.
When I put this in my queue, I was well aware that it was all based on fan service. That’s why I put it on my list, in fact. Unfortunately, when the entire premise of the show IS fan service, and they try to build a plot around that, things fall apart rather quickly. It’s a comedy, but it’s not funny. At all. It’s just chicks with huge titties flopping around. I’ll try to break it down.
Ok, so it’s the future, apparently. There’s this dude (I don’t remember any names) who goes to this academy, and he slips on a banana peel, and falls on top of a chick and ends up squeezing her tits in the process. Like we haven’t seen that before. And of course she’s embarassed. Then as a result, the Eiken club (comprised entirely of females) comes and recruits him as a member (for some unknown reason). Later that day, he is at school and ends up peeping on the girl who’s tits he was squeezing, and sees her naked. Oh, he has the hots for her by the way. After school, he attends an impromptu meeting of the Eiken club which involves them cooking dinner or something. It serves as an introduction to the members: there’s the leader (who has huge boobs), the brainy little girl (small boobs), the short goofy one (GIGANTIC boobs) and the teacher who sponsors them (just big boobs, not giant or anything). Oh, and the one chick the dude likes, who is all meek and stuff. She has giant boobs too.
Ok, then, to explain how retarded and random this show is, I’ll explain the next scene. See, the leader chick tells the dude that the girl he has the hots for is “cooling off watermelons at the fountain” (hmm, wonder what that refers to). So he goes to the fountain, and they have a nice heart to heart. She basically says he likes him, and when she is about to ask him out, his female friend/sister (small boobs) comes and jumps at him and rubs her crotch in his face (she does this often). She wants him, obviously (after all, pseudo-incestuous relationships are hot, supposedly) and she is jealous of the much more attractive girl with bigger titties stealing her limelight. So she starts fondling the boobs, and guy runs forward to try and stop her, and slips…on a banana peel…and ends up pulling the chick’s panties down (the big boobed one). He sees a little slice of heaven, she flips out and runs away, and he’s all sad.
If it isn’t f*cked up enough, the second half of the episode (yes, all that took place in 15 mins) started a competition for no point, all involving totally retarded things with the specific purpose of putting the dude in positions to basically molest every female in the show (against his will, of course). Now, I love fan service. Boobies and panty shots are good. But within reason. This show basically is porn on Skinamax, except without any nudity. Yes, I saw no nudity in the episode I watched. Lots of CLOSE nudity, but no actual nudity. Despite that, it was pretty much porn without anything good about it. The plot was stupid and it was all just so random and poorly written.
I couldn’t finish it. I couldn’t make it past the first episode. My time has become very valuable, and even wasting an hour more was something I couldn’t stomach. It was just bad. Bad, bad, bad. If you’re going to make a porn, make a porn. If you aren’t going all the way, then by Jeebus, f*ckin get a better writer. I can’t believe the makers of this show actually thought this shit was funny. Ugh.
Overall Score: FFF (the actual breast size of the leader of Eiken club)
A few more rentals from Blockbuster Online to start things off:
The 4400 (Season 1 Disc 2)
They sent me the ACTUAL disc 2. Season 1 only has 5 episodes, which sucks, but they are in the middle of season 2 and season 3 has gotten the greenlight. This show is really good. It’s a great premise and has great writing and acting. Any fan of sci-fi or supernatural type stuff will really enjoy this show. It’s great stuff.
House of Wax
I don’t know why I wanted to see this movie. If I had remembered that Paris Hilton was in it, I probably would have never bothered. Unfortunately, I knew things were going to be bad when I saw she WAS in the movie. I only watched like 30-45 minutes (about 5 minutes after they got to the House of Wax) and really, it was terrible. The acting was awful, the story was retarded, and it had the same premise as half of the horror movies out there (group of teens gets stuck in redneck country and end up going into a creepy house). Please. About the only thing that made me sit through that much of the movie was Elisha Cuthbert, who started off meh, but was super hot when I ended it. I had better things to do with my time, like finish my Civ IV review.
Ghost Whisperer – Generic storyline with a swerve (which was irrelevant) that went into another swerve (which was predictable) which ended with a car crash. The point is that this show is heading straight down the shitter. The plus side is that a) this episode leads directly into the next one, and b) the next one may actually be f*cking interesting! OH MY GOD NO!!! It’s too bad because I was looking forward to trimming another show. I guess I’ll have to see how next week is. Now if JLH and her hubby would STOP FUCKING KISSING. I GET IT, YOU’RE IN LOVE!!! Everytime she smiles her big dorky smile I wanna throttle her. I guess I can’t hope for them to kill her off since she’s a f*ckin producer.
Threshold – Not the best episode in my opinion, which sucks after such a whopper. I’m not a fan of the whole “let’s show the ALMOST end of the episode to build tension then start from the beginning. It does nothing to improve the plot in any way. It’s very rarely pulled off well (see: Fight Club). Still, the rest of it wasn’t great. And I don’t think they explained how the old lady had super powers yet her DNA wasn’t changed. If I missed it, then it’s my bad. And next episode (in 2 weeks) doesn’t look all that great either. What’s up with them skipping all these damn weeks!
My Name Is Earl – Yet another funny yet touching episode. Everytime I wonder where they are going to take this karma thing next, they surprise me. And that’s a good thing. Jason Lee is a really funny cat. I hope they include some outtakes or behind the scenes stuff when they eventually release this show on DVD.
The Office – Meh, this show was probably the least funny of the season, in my opinion, which is sad coming off a strong last week. They did show Jim and Pam getting closer, and Jim ruined that. And a moment where you can see why Michael was ever promoted. You could say that it was furthering the plot, but it just wasn’t funny enough. Not enough time was spent on the script sub-plot, which I thought was the only really good stuff in the show (except for when Michael was under his desk).
Next week, I think I’ll change this up a little. As the season continues on, I really don’t want to break down every single show. It’s ending up boring ME, so I’m sure it’s boring you as well. If anybody gets this far anyway.
Here are the Games reviews for this past week:
Sid Meier’s Civilization IV
– By me, it’s a great game and worthy of the name.
Metroid Prime Pinball
– Tom P. gives me reason to add this puppy to my Q.
Dynasty Warriors 5
– Michaelangelo gives me plenty of reason NOT to add this one. Not like I wanted any of the previous ones anyway.
Call of Cthulhu
– Lucard dishes out the hurtin. It’s sad, because I wanted this to be good.
City of Villains
– Tom N. shows his dark side.
– The n00b Markie Mark shows how f*ckin awesome he is by writing an excellent review. This guy is good. He’ll go places. Now write more reviews, n00b!!
Jak X: Lame Ass Racing
– O’Reilly makes me ask a question: why the f*ck does every platformer think it’d be a good idea to make a racing game? Oh, right, it’s money in the bank. I say ENOUGH, quit it with these crappy racing games!
Eric S. pimped me!! Happy days are here again! And he’s probably right about Civ IV. I kinda felt bad for giving it so many 10s, but it deserved them. It certainly doesn’t deserve a 10 overall, but it’s still a fantastic game.
Nyogtha – It’s the greatest thing since sliced bread! (Yea, it was lame. I don’t get paid for this shit, so I make do with what I can, aight?!)
HeroKliq – Lucard is awesome for many reasons. One small one is that we both have mad love for Excalibur and the original Transformers run at Marvel. And this column is all about the greatest superhero team to come out of England. Did I ever tell you guys that I used to have the serious hots for Kitty? It’s true, it’s true, and I’m not afraid to admit it. It all started with this pic HERE. I don’t know why, but at the time, it just made me want her. That was like 15 years ago though, so don’t think I’m TOO much of a geek.
The Human Guinea Pig – Not only are these things informative, they’re damn funny too.
Batman Movie Anthology – I want this. On a side note, what’s up with all the top 10 lists on the movie section? Sheesh.
Unless I missed my count, I based EA 8 times in this column. I didn’t do it enough. But like I said, someday they’ll get what they deserve, and I will laugh my ass off. So anyway, that’s enough EA bashing for this week. Come back next week where I’ll smack my favorite whipping boys and have a party. Seeya then!