The Angry Gamer – Alex Lucard is a Filthy Jew Who Took My Money

Author’s note: Alex Lucard really is filthy, he really is Jewish, and he really did take my money. I’m not being anti-Semitic, so f*ck off.

Every reader at Inside Pulse knows who Alex Lucard is. Aside from being a comic book fan from the Bizarro universe, writing most of our RPG reviews, and having an unhealthy obsession with all things Pokémon, Alex also has this annoying habit of separating gamers from their money. It’s not as bad as the screwjobs that are EA and Square-Enix, but it’s still an infernal scheme in its own right. Allow me to explain, from my own personal experience.

We’ll begin by looking at two franchises Alex is associated with; one that’s under the radar, and one that’s so far above the radar it’s practically in orbit. The first is Harvest Moon, a series of farming simulations published by Natsume.

I had first heard of Harvest Moon about five years ago. I thought the idea of a farm sim was pretty stupid, so I ignored it. Fast forward to 2003, when Alex enters the picture. Somehow, the topic of obscure games came up during one of our meandering conversations, and Alex mentioned Harvest Moon. I naturally voiced my distaste, as I was perfectly content with my Mega Man games and RPGs and such. However, Alex wouldn’t take no for an answer, and kept badgering me to at least try a Harvest Moon game. I successfully ignored him for about a month, until I found a copy of Harvest Moon 2 for the Game Boy Color at my local game store for about $9. I picked it up just to give it a shot…and God dammit, I’ve been hooked ever since. I’ve bought plenty of other games in the series, and it’s all Alex’s fault.

That second franchise I spoke of is none other than Pokémon. Now, this was something I was into well before I even met Alex; I played it back in the Red/Blue days, but fell off the boat right before Gold and Silver‘s release. I didn’t hate the games; I just moved on to other things. Up until early 2004, I hadn’t touched a Pokémon game in years; I saw the main series and numerous spinoffs continue to grow, but again, I was busy with other stuff. Along comes Alex, again. He mentioned that I really should get back into the series, so I asked him where to start. Without missing a beat, the answer was given: “Pokémon Crystal.” I picked it up, but Alex knew he had his inroad at this point, forcing me to pick up all matter of other titles (like Pokémon Stadium 2, Pokémon Snap!, and the Pokémon Mini handheld system). Not to mention remakes of the RPGs, like Pokémon Leaf Green and Pokémon Emerald.

Those are the two biggest moneysuckers, but there’s other stuff Alex has pressured me into, such as Shin Megami Tensei and the latest Natsume product, Finny the Fish and the Seven Waters. I swear, the bastard has stock in Natsume, Atlus, and the Pokémon Company. That explains his pushing of these games on people; he only serves to profit from it! (And here you thought he just wanted to get people into games that favor gameplay and story over immature content.)

Well, if all else fails, at least I can get my childish revenge in some form:

See? Now the whole world will know who eats it.

Stay tuned for next week’s pile of monstrous complaints about E3!