Retrograding 05.28.04: RPG Countdown Game #1: FINAL FANTASY VII

#1. Final Fantasy VII
Developed By: Squaresoft
Published by: Squaresoft
Release Date: 01/31/97
Systems Release On: Sony Playstation, PC

Yes, it’s true. I’ve been living a lie all this time. Final Fantasy 7 is the greatest video game ever made. It’s all been a gimmick. I mean, come on. We all know that gameplay doesn’t matter. That plot is for nerds. Eggheads like their booky-books. Not gamers! And Square knows that. That’s why they gave us a game with horrible written 2-D whiny angst ridden characters than even most Goths raise an eyebrow too and say, “Dude. Prozack. Take it.” It’s what we want! As long as it is pretty and we can see people brooding it’s all that matters!

And what’s more, that’s why we have fan fic. So that WE can write the plots of these pretty but devoid of personality characters. If they had personalities we wouldn’t need to write about them, right? And create fan fic where Tifa is into fecal sex play with Cloud! Wow! I know no game developer would be so creative as to put things like that into a game. Squaresoft is smart! They now you don’t want to see people think or emote. You want to see swords and blood and pretty Bishonen men lusting after each other.

And Gameplay! Wow. Who needs it? I mean the graphics are all that matters! Whoo! I can’t tell you how great it is to watch the Summons material go off with their FIVE MINUTE LONG ANIMATIONS. And to watch them over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again without the ability to speed through them? FANTASTIC! Why would you want to? After all, it’s not about actually playing the game! It’s about the GRAPHIC! WHOO!

I mean, why bother actually caring about gameplay? Final Fantasy makers knows you want to veg in front of the TV with a bag of pork rinds and beer and pretend brain cells are like back and neck hair: you’re loaded with them. So they gave you a game that even a 5 year old can play. Why not? Nintendo is so kiddee it’s not even funny and yet Pokemon is a harder game to master than Final Fantasy VII. See? You can be near mindless and still beat Final Fantasy VII because that way children of all ages can appreciate the graphics and grow up to write yaoi! That’s smart marketing!

All you have to do is do the same attack over and over again! Preferably a summons or limit break so you can have a battle that lasts for hours and days just like Dragonball Z! They should have Goku vs. Sepiroth while Vegeta and Cloud engage in carnal knowledge of each other. Someone should write that fan fic. It would be SWEET! Who wants to play a game where you think or need strategy? Thinking is for poindexters. For people who don’t get enough school or haven’t played enough Live-Action Vampire: The Masquerade! As long as you were smart and cool and HARDCORE and spent all your time just doing random battles and maxing out your characters you can just attack with whatever move you like best constantly and the game is beaten! Heck, even if you’re too lazy to wander around and not level up in a way that loser gamers call “cheesey” because they’re stupid enough to want to be challenged, there’s so many random battles you can’t help but be uber powerful. And even if you run from every battle like a sissy, you still don’t need strategy. You just kill kill kill by hitting a button. Sure some things are weak are against certain attacks and strong against others, but that’s to shut up the people who want depth for some reason in their games. I mean jeez, depth in gameplay and story? Booooooring. Give me tepid shallow plots and repetitive gameplay anyday as long as it is beautiful to look at! Yowzah!

Heh. As you have to have guessed by now: I still think Final Fantasy VII is one of the most over-rated sacks of crap ever to be produced and develop a scary fan following. Don’t get me wrong. It was a average game that showed how powerful the Playstation could be in terms of graphics and make casual gamers, and especially scary anime fanatic girls cream themselves in regards to video games. But other than that, it’s a game I can’t fathom people honestly, truly enjoying unless Squaresoft put subliminals into the game. Final Fantasy brought RPG’s to the masses. But FFVII is proof that you should never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Here is the original commentary that spurred me to do a parody to make you guys laugh:

URA Picky (10:56:38 PM): So #1 on your list is FFVII, right?
Darquefyr (10:57:03 PM): Heh
Darquefyr (10:57:04 PM): NO
URA Picky (10:57:31 PM): You should do a mock #1 with FFVII being it, completely sarcastic.
Darquefyr (10:57:38 PM): LOL. I think I will
Darquefyr (10:57:48 PM): I’ll post the final three games seperately.
URA Picky (10:57:50 PM): Style will always beat substance!
Darquefyr (10:58:01 PM): ohMIGAWD Cloud is so kawai!
URA Picky (10:58:29 PM): Sephiroth is so tormented!
Darquefyr (10:58:45 PM): He needs a bunny. Or better yet a MOGGIEKINS!
URA Picky (10:59:08 PM): I hate most Squaredrones.
Darquefyr (10:59:14 PM): everyone should
URA Picky (10:59:30 PM): But Square makes such amazing games!
URA Picky (10:59:40 PM): FFX was soooooooo good.
URA Picky (10:59:48 PM): (insert jerk off motion here)
Darquefyr (11:01:09 PM): I write fan fics about Tifa coming out of the TV and being my bride!
Darquefyr (11:01:22 PM): And Vincent and I go to GAWTH clubs and brood
Darquefyr (11:01:38 PM): Remind me in a fortnight to write that
URA Picky (11:01:53 PM): :_: it was so sad when Aeris died.
Darquefyr (11:02:25 PM): I can’t believe Sony went back in time and STOLE that scene for their Phantasy Star 2 game! They can’t even spell Fantasy. What losers
URA Picky (11:03:10 PM): FFVII is such a deep game, with the weapons and all the completely relevant mini-games!
Darquefyr (11:03:37 PM): And how it really does matter what attacks you do. it’s not like you can just do the same thing OVER AND OVER AND OVER
URA Picky (11:08:23 PM): The plot is coherent and full of twists that can’t be predicted.
Darquefyr (11:08:34 PM): And the ending is so grate!
Darquefyr (11:08:45 PM): I lurve the big black guy
Darquefyr (11:09:05 PM): I even named him RapeYoAss when I first played because I knew he and Cloud would have SLASH moments
URA Picky (11:09:31 PM): I think I hate FFVII more now than I did a few minutes ago.
Darquefyr (11:09:37 PM): Why?
URA Picky (11:09:51 PM): Because I blocked most of the game from my memory, but it is coming back.
Darquefyr (11:09:57 PM): lol
URA Picky (11:09:58 PM): And boy, did it suck rancid donkey nuts.
Darquefyr (11:10:03 PM): HAHAHAHA!
URA Picky (11:10:31 PM): Black Guy T: Ain’t no stopping this TRAIN Cloud
Cloud: Especially when it is on its final stop at Colon Station!
Darquefyr (11:11:22 PM): Cloud: i luv sweet brown sugar. fill my baking pans up with it!
URA Picky (11:12:35 PM): Ugh. The sad fact is I bet such dialogue exists in FFVII SLASH.
Darquefyr (11:12:59 PM): No. there would be more typos in the slash
URA Picky (11:13:20 PM): Point, but the idea is there.
URA Picky (11:13:29 PM): I bet they would give Barrett a dildo gun.
URA Picky (11:13:35 PM): He’d ram it up Cloud’s butt.
Darquefyr (11:14:08 PM): It’s more often Cloud/Sephiroth I bet.
Darquefyr (11:14:14 PM): Clone sexxor!
URA Picky (11:14:42 PM): Did Square just have four year old children suffering from fetal alcohol syndrome write the script for FFVII?
Darquefyr (11:15:04 PM): You give them too much credit. It was syphillitic monkeys
URA Picky (11:15:29 PM): I bet the monkeys cost too much and they had to use lepers with parkinsons and alzhiemers to finish it off.
Darquefyr (11:16:30 PM): Well syphillis makes monkeys union demands a little higher than square was willing to pay. Like an editor and continuity checker
URA Picky (11:17:11 PM): Plus having the gall to try and give Sephy a personality.
Darquefyr (11:17:45 PM): Damn those monkeys! As long as they are dark and bishy, that is all fans will want
URA Picky (11:24:55 PM): They wanted to appeal to “literate” fans.
Darquefyr (11:25:36 PM): Silly
Darquefyr (11:25:48 PM): There are no literate FFVII fas
Darquefyr (11:25:58 PM): And yes the fas was on purpose. ;-)
URA Picky (11:27:12 PM): I can feel the Square love in this IM converstation.
Darquefyr (11:28:26 PM): I am going to put it in my LJ
URA Picky (11:29:19 PM): Considering that they just take the same hero and heroine in the FFs since VII and move them to new ones, you’d think they’d try to make one look like a guy.
Darquefyr (11:29:58 PM): That would imply they even pretend to care
URA Picky (11:30:57 PM): They do… about making money of people who enjoy the vibration function of the controllers too much.
Darquefyr (11:31:16 PM): “OH AERIS! You’re even better when you’re DEAD!”

And look! Here’s members of the Kliq explaining why THEY hate Final Fantasy as well!

Chuck: FFVII was to be the very best RPG ever. 3-D, alone on the PS1, and more mature than ever before. Then why is it the game I would least want to replay out of any RPG in the history of gaming? First off, FFVII introduced the world to Squarism, the philosophical of all the Square RPGs that basically states that the entire world you live in is a lie and you alone are special. This gave birth to, among other things, the Slash and otakukin problems. Secondly, FFVII killed the concept of character individuality, with each character sharing powers with one another via marbles stuck to thier weapons. Thirdly, the cast of FFVII was the most unlikable possible: a silently obnoxious prick of a swordsman with monosyllabic responses to conversations, a Mr. T ripoff, and a wife beating astronaut. And those are the GOOD characters…

Dave: I should tell you about the first time I faced Sephiroth. Granted, his big spell is cool looking the first time… but I made a f*cking sandwich and lemonaide during it and didn’t hurry up. I would literally go to the bathroom and read the newspaper without pausing the game and it would still be going on when I came back. Square knows that most of its FF fans have zero social life. And have the ability to sit through seven hours of extemperaneous animation and still cream themselves. Meanwhile, I wished I had another TV at that time so I could be playing Fighting Vipers on my Saturn. brought RPGs to the masses, masses that have no clue what the hell is quality. And brought along cosplaying and other evils. I think FFVII even caused furries

Widro: There are so many reasons to hate Final Fantasy VII, but the ones that stand out to most to me are the painful lack of fun to be had in the gameplay, and the very fact that its existence has spawned so many more iterations of the series. I remember being swept up in the insanity and picking up a copy, and then just sitting and waiting as movies played for what seemed like hours, only to be greeted by some of the most repetitive RPG gameplay I can ever remember. Plus, it quickly became the model for games that have all flash and no substance, providing a pretty picture and a terrible story.

Matt Yeager: If a person needs proof that those who play video games are whiny introverted basement dwellers who want nothing more than to be pitied just needs to pick up and play FFVII. Why do I have such hate for that game? It was one of the first games (if not the first game) that truly showed that graphics are what a majority of the gaming audience really cared about. The story and the gameplay were done better in prior Final Fantasy games, and other games blew it away in those departments. But because it had excellent graphics it became the biggest names in RPG’s. It turned me off of RPG games for years because at the time I was told that FF7 was the best one out there, and I thought if so than the rest of them must be really bad, and I’m only recently recovering. Why is it so popular? It’s pretty, and when Sony ushered in a new audience into video games it was many peoples first RPG. FFVII busted of peoples cherries. And who would really want to admit to being de-virginized by something awful? Not a lot of FFVII fanboys, that’s for sure.

And finally Mish…er…Marv…er…the schizophrenic Brit.

Marvin: You do have to wonder, really… When the one RPG that makes an entire country sit up and take notice is one as mundane as this, you have to cover your optical sensors and shudder. The tragedy is that UK-based fans of RPGs have a lot to thank Final Fantasy 7 for: It finally showed the rest of the world that yes, there are roleplayers over here, and yes, they DO want games. Unfortunately, Square decided to force-feed the nation the Runt Of The Litter (story of UK gaming in general, really), to make everybody think that the qualities of a truly great RPG are pretty graphics, two-dimensional characters, predictable plotlines, and one of the least innovative combat systems ever. It’ll tell you what it’s done: It’s spoiled an entire country. It’s hard-wired UK gamer brains into believing that only Square RPGs are worth bothering with. And so the Shining series can have great-value remakes coming out left right and centre, but everybody wants to spend £50 on a copy of Final Fantasy X-2. I suppose what I REALLY hate FF7 for, more than anything, isn’t being a sub-standard RPG. It’s not even that the hype was enough to sell copies of every piece of pretty-boy junk that Square have pushed since then. No. Why I hate FF7 is because it damn-near destroyed what could have been a thriving market for RPGs. If FF6 had been used as The Game To Break The PAL Market With, people would have had the opportunity to see an ensemble-cast Epic playing out, with in-depth storylines, believeable characters, and an engine that didn’t reward the UberMunchkins. And it would have prepared them far better for games like Shining Force. As it is, we’re stuck with a system where it takes an eternity for Disgaea: Hour Of Darkness to be released over here because it’s “not enough like Final Fantasy”. Where Square will stick the FF name on a game like Crystal Chronicles because they know it’s too different to sell without the Name Value. And THAT’S why I hate FF7. People saw it, and in their ignorance, knew no better. Somehow, the benchmark was set at too low a level, and familiarity with one style has bred contempt of all others.

Misha: Erm… Yeah. What he said. I suppose I *do* give FF7 perhaps more grief than it’s due… But I never realised exactly what was bugging me about it until Mr Insightful up there put text to file.

Marvin: See? Half the time, you don’t even know what’s in your head. You sound like Cloud…

Misha: WHAT DID YOU CALL ME???? *Pulls out EMP cannon*

Marvin: Oooops, time to go…..

Man, that was like group therapy….I think. I’ve never had therapy. But my mom’s a shrink so I’ll assume I know what I’m talking about. ;-)

Obviously this was meant to make you all laugh as we poke fun of what of the most hated games around in the back offices of 411games. But in the end, there’s nothing wrong with liking Final Fantasy VII. Zillions of people do. It’s called choice. And even though we think you’re bloody f*cking hatstand for finding something redeemable about this game, our opinions are no more valid or important than your own. It’s okay to like FFVII and as much as it has become a running gag for me to bash this game, it’s not like I’ll hate you or think less of you if you can find some sort of joy in it. None of 411Games will. We’ll just assume you’re mentally retarded or the product of almost double digits in generations of inbreeding.

The REAL #1 will be up after Memorial Day. Have a great weekend gang,