The Angry Gamer 04.15.04 – I Can’t Find A Single Thing To Complain About

That’s right. Not a single thing. Instead, I’m going to wax philosophical about a bunch of different things! C’mon, I wouldn’t want to leave you hangin’…

  • John Woo got the rights to make Metroid movie. This is bad. Sure, Woo’s a reknowned director, but he makes the same damn movie every time. And that gets old really fast. Since when did Metroid feature slow motion, dual pistols, and doves flying around? There’s claims that the film would remain true to its roots, but I’ll believe that when I see it. And we don’t need Chow-Yun Fat cast as Samus Aran…oh, the horror.
  • That whole teenage-hacker-netspeak-misspelling thing pissed me off years ago, and it continues to this day. The term “w00t” and improper use of the word “owned” both need to stop. Some people’s lack of a cohesive grasp on the English language astonishes me. Words are not spelled with numbers, and the verb “to own” denotes possession, not defeat. Sheesh.
  • Final FantasyXI. I’d ask “Why?!” but I’d be inundated with responses from Square whores. This game pisses me off twofold: one, it’s more asinine Square trash, with the substandard gameplay that we’ve come to expect from the company, and two, it’s required (in the US, anyway) if you want to get the PS2 hard drive. Come on…in Japan, at least you had a choice! You weren’t limited to a shitty MMORPG…you could nab Jet de Bomberman, Minna no Golf, or even Nobunaga Online. Now that is a game we could use over here…but I digress. We’re not here to sing the praises of Nobunaga’s Ambition.
  • Microsoft’s “iPod killer,” the “Nextpod”? Supposedly an integral part of the Xbox2? So far, it looks like vaporware. Which is where it should stay…who would want an mp3 player that gives you a blue screen of death?
  • Finally, I’m pissed at myself. Why? For giving too high of a score to R-Type III: The Third Lightning on GBA. The reason I say this now is that I’ve recently broken out the original R-Type III (SNES), and had a chance to compare and contrast the two. I didn’t have a copy on-hand when I wrote the review, and that f*cked me. When I sat down and played the original, I realize how horrible of a port the GBA version really is, graphical improvements nonwithstanding. The collision detection is off, the control’s not as good…at least I was correct about the audio sucking the cock. The original soundtrack on the SNES version sounds ten times better. A thousand shames fall upon my shoulders. Note: this does not mean I’m going to give a favorable review to an EA or Square game to make up for my mistakes. Don’t get your hopes up.

Yes I realize I’ve been rather short on the sarcasm and hate lately. I’ve been tired and/or sick, so fear not, I’ll be back in form eventually. I hope.