Gamer’s Hangover News Report – 03.08.04

First of all, I need to warn everyone: Most of you know that I don’t usually like to “work blue,” but you also know what the end of a sports season does to me, so proceed with a degree of informed care.

Now then “¦

Quasi-Random Rants

Fuck you all.

Most of all, f*ck you if you were a referee at the Missouri Valley Conference Tournament. I certainly hope none of you have day jobs in actual law enforcement, because even with Herr Ashcroft’s “reforms” you still have to have some sort of evidence that a crime was committed before you charge somebody. Jamar Howard committed maybe 3 fouls tonight, and I’ll only give that third one grudgingly. The other two were not fouls “¦ no “¦ wait “¦ now that I think about it, they WERE fouls, but they were fouls committed by Northern Iowa. Especially that charge. Last I checked, someone wasn’t set if they were moving and their feet were in the air.

My dad (and those of you who want to compare me to Bill Simmons can suck my dick. My dad is a small-town guy who didn’t even go to college and he has two sons that hold a total of five degrees in engineering, three of them from Wichita State. He’s not a f*cking lawyer, he’s the faithful dad of two WSU alumni “¦ and father-in-law of two others) said it best when he told me tonight, “it’s awful hard to beat the refs.”

Well, barring some mysterious plague suddenly taking 30-ish entire NCAA Division 1 teams in the next week, the Shockers are headed to the NIT, the silver lining in that being that they’ll probably get the first game (at least) at home.

So, now I’m back to “wait till next year” with the Shockers, just like I am with the Chiefs. Next year the Shox won’t have Fridge Holman and Aaron Hogg anymore, so 70-80 percent of their bad and rushed shots will go away (unless Randy Burns steps up in that department).

And while I’m in a bad mood, I’ve got something to say to a certain writer on the 411 wrestling staff. You see, Derrick Thomas wasn’t just a good player for the Chiefs, he was the soul of that team. He was a beloved figure not just for that team but in that town. He’s co-holder of the NFL record for sacks in a single game (7), went to numerous Pro Bowls, and would still be on the team today were it not for the tragic car crash that took his life three years ago. It wasn’t even a suspicious crash. He was driving back from the airport on a snowy day and he lost control and that was it; a legend lost in an instant.

Maybe John Cena really just wanted to get over with the K.C. crowd. Maybe he’s just a Machiavellian asshole like everybody else, but I haven’t seen him walk out in an AUTOGRAPHED jersey before, and certainly not an autographed jersey of someone who’s been dead for three years. The way he handled himself, and he handled the crowd’s reaction told me that he just might actually be a big D.T. fan from way back.

That segment with John Cena has made him a face with me for the rest of his career. He could turn heel and film a promo where he ran over a bus full of the elderly and I’ll still pull for him. I hope he gets as big as The Rock. I hope he gets so big that the jaded writers around here get sick of seeing him week after week. I wish for every good thing to happen to John Cena because I’m an easily swayed, infantile, reactionary fan who appreciates having his childhood heroes commemorated. (I’m not even mentioning the time he came out in the powder blue Royals #5 jersey.)

And another thing, if “¦ I am really resisting the urge to call names here “¦ that writer had paid attention to that show, he would’ve seen that Cena had that crowd ELECTRIC during the following match. As Cris put it, “When he went for the Five Knuckle Shuffle, the crowd went off so hard you’d have thought it was the People’s Elbow.” You know what, even IF Cena is a self-serving bastard, that segment just showed that he’s at least GOOD at it. A hell of a lot better than anybody else on the regular roster.

That “¦ writer wrote that whole segment off with a simple “John Cena sucks up to the crowd.” Of course, if he doesn’t sound bored in any of his “reports” then he must lose his IWC cred, and if any of you have seen his picture, you know that he needs all the help that he can get with the ladies. How’s the personals working out, buddy?

Maybe he just didn’t know the intricacies of the situation (of course, that might take a bit of RESEARCH, and that’s something we just can’t have on the internet) and if that’s the case I can forgive that; but I’ll wager that he just thought the group of Kansas City faithful remembering their fallen hero were a bunch of brain-dead yokels doing some sort of Pavlovian reaction thing. If that’s the case, then he can drag his fat ass south a couple thousand miles so I can stick my foot where the midnight sun don’t shine.

Fucking Northern Iowa.

I’m so pissed about Wichita State losing that I don’t even want to think about the hordes of mediocre “major” conference teams that’ll get invitations to the Dance by virtue of having really simple names that selection committee members can remember hearing before.

I have another rant about ESPN’s Ralph Wiley and his role as Barry Bonds’ apologist, but I think I’ll save that for 411Black, mainly because it’s at work and I can’t get to it right now.

Somewhere, I’m sure The Pride of Wichita State University, Paul Wight is laughing his ass off at the Shox fate. He can go f*ck himself too. I don’t remember his fat ass getting half the points Miller put in just in the last two days. It’s hard to run the floor when you move at the speed of Dutch Elm Disease.

Apologies for all I’ve offended, but I can’t be Captain Sunshine all time. Don’t worry y’all. The 311 show is tonight, so I should be thoroughly medicated by this time tomorrow.


Worms Are Changing. Radiation Has Made Them BIGGER!!
Apparently the Worms franchise is changing from the classic strategy formula. Nobody knows what it’s changing to; or more to the point, nobody wants to admit it’s going to turn into yet another lame real-time strategy clone.

Oh, For Pete’s Sake, Let It DIE
Unfortunately, it’s not looking like Angel of Darkness killed the Tomb Raider franchise like we hoped it would; although the noises coming out of Eidos right now are that a new control system is in order. Gee, ya think?! Eidos Head Monkey “¦ er “¦ CEO Mike McGarvey had this to say: “We are doing a lot of market research, in terms of the direction of the content and of the character, but the fundamental technology is already complete and the character is up and running in the environment, with new moves and a new control system. We are not in a position right now to articulate the creative direction of the franchise. It’s still a little early. But we’re certainly very excited about what we’ve seen so far.”

Translation: It might not suck as bad next go round.

Microsoft Pulls Trigger On Flash. Barry Allen Unavailable For Comment.
You know, this sort of thing happened to Cessna not so long ago. We were getting engine bids from Williams and Pratt & Whitney for the yet-unannounced CJ3, when P&W blabbed to a trade mag that we were planning the airplane. Result: Williams got the bid.

So this moron from M-Systems, CEO Dov Moran blabs to an Israeli newspaper:

“It’s a co-operation agreement. The potential is not clear, but it is in the billions of dollars. Microsoft has taken the hard disk out of its Xbox. The only thing left will be a CD; that’s all. At some point, when users want to save their e-mail messages, copy music, or anything like that, the only storage they will have is what we give them. It is worth hundreds of millions to the company, spread over a few years, and we will be the main supplier for it; and I hope the sole supplier.”

Hate to say this pal: Not f*cking likely now. Oh, you might be the initial supplier, but as soon as they can find somebody else to do it “¦ somebody who won’t give out sensitive hardware information to the first press person hits them up for lunch “¦ you’ll be back making key chains and little things that hold Britney Spears songs that retail for $2.99 on some forgotten pegboard at Sam Goody. Idiot.

Anyway, forget having that wonderfully convenient hard drive on Xbox part deux, as if you hadn’t written it off already anyway.

Bill Gates All For Paying To Send E-Mail, Requiring Mark Of The Beast To Do Business.
I swear, my other sources are down right now.

Billy boy thinks that it would cut down on spam. Frankly, I think spam is a small price to pay for freedom of communication, but check out this bit from the CNN piece:

Though postage proposals have been in limited discussion for years — a team at Microsoft Research has been at it since 2001 — Gates gave the idea a lift in January at the World Economic Forum in Davos, Switzerland. Details came last week as part of Microsoft’s anti-spam strategy. Instead of paying a penny, the sender would “buy” postage by devoting maybe 10 seconds of computing time to solving a math puzzle. The exercise would merely serve as proof of the sender’s good faith.

Who else is freaked out by this? Why does the name “Skynet” keep flashing in my head?

There’s lots of other blathering in the piece about plans that charge money and such, but this is part that’s actually news. What math puzzle? Surely it can’t be something purely esoteric, and if it’s not just a mathematical novelty, then who is it serving? Are you inadvertently helping Microsoft break encryptions of competitors, or governments?

Moreover, how does Billy expect to enable this without installing the most blatantly intrusive spyware the world has ever seen? Will this lead to the true time of The Beast, will followers of The Penguin be persecuted and put to death by the Gatesian death squads?

And Speaking Of Spyware”¦.
Cripes, I need more sources. One site goes down and I’m slumming at CNN. Just shoot me.

Now, I’m a believer in free speech, but people installing clandestine software onto your computer doesn’t fall under that, especially since that allocates YOUR resources without YOUR knowledge for SOMEBODY ELSE’S purpose; i.e.: stealing.

So Democrats Barb Boxer of Cali and Ron Wyden of Oreganon, and Republican Conrad Burns of Moontana are sponsoring the “¦ and I’m not joking here “¦ Software Principles Yielding Better Levels of Consumer Knowledge, or SPYBLOCK, Act.

Basically, what the bill would do is force companies that install spyware declare that they are going to do it and give you both the option to not have it in the first place and have it be easy to uninstall if you do happen to get it.

They haven’t discussed possible penalties for violators, but I’m hoping prison rape is in the guidance somewhere.

I’ve had enough with being at the mercy of these couple of news sites for my reports. This week, I’m going to do some head-banging with my Kliq brothas and get me tricked out for next week. I promise.


I don’t know if I should be trusted with this, the mood I’m in this week, but I’ll give it a shot.

The 411Kliq Basketball Team: (Don’t worry, in a few weeks I’ll run out of major sports and I’ll either have to start pulling sports like Lacrosse or do something new.)

The Plucky, Spark plug, Off-The-Bench Point Guard: Chuck Platt, for filling in for A-Will this week, and coming up with my new favorite nickname for the Xbox.

The 4.0 Grad Student Walk-On Who Still Has Eligibility: Eric Szulczewski, and Eric, don’t think less of me for saying this, but I marked out hard when Flex showed up last Monday. I’m sorry, but I just LIKE him. In two minutes he brings more energy and attitude to the table than the rest of the friggin’ roster combined. Say what you want about whose fault that is and you’ll probably be right. I’ll concede that.

The Foul Magnet: Misha. We pick on Misha a lot here. Hey, it could be worse. At least you’re not “The Benchwarmer.”

The Sweet-Shooting Small Forward: Bryan Berg, because he reminds me of WSU’s Rob Kampman. They look nothing alike, and I’m sure Bryan is nowhere near Rob’s height, and I don’t know if Bryan even knows what a basketball looks like since it’s hockey season in his mind, but they both look like they could kick my ass on Jeopardy, so he gets this designation.

Seven Feet Of “Get That Shit Outta Here!”: Lee Baxley. Why do I imagine Lee being “¦ well “¦ big? And tough? In my mind he’s a real badass. Don’t ask me why, these are my psychoses we’re dealing with. Get your own.

The Redshirt: Matt Yeager, who has the honor of being part of Panky’s first real recruitment class here at 411.

Next week, news. And probably a softer tone “¦ and cookies for everybody because I’ll feel bad about going off this week.

Until then, get some sleep.