Retrograding 10.15.03

Right, like Alex2 and Lee, your own personal Jesus here has been addicted to Shin Megami Devil Children. But unlike Williams and Baxley who are doing White of Night, I’m doing Darkness of Day. Unlike Pokemon or any of the other ‘Catch ‘Em All’ games, Demikids has two distinctly different stories in the games, as well as completely different levels of difficulty. White of Night is for newbies to MegaTen, while Darkness is a lot higher on the difficulty scale. Expect a big double review from myself and Lee using the new rating system. But I’m pretty sure we’re going to be seeing an Atlus game as the game of the month in the next ‘Rating Drive-By.’

Speaking of which, I’ve received incredible feedback on the new rating system and the database, both of which you have all unanimously embraced. Great to hear we’re doing what things that endear us to you readers.

Also, I can’t believe how many people went out and bought NGPC’s on my endorsement of it. Over a dozen of you wrote in to say you picked one up! Now if any of you live in MN, I promise to kick your ass at SNK vs. Capcom: MOTM! Rest assured the mailbag this weekend is going to be jammed full with NGPC praise. Hell, even WIDRO has a major hard-on for the Neo Geo Pocket Colour. So go buy one already people!

Speaking of the NGPC, as I’m trying desperately to make it the official system of 411mania, I want to know if you guys would be interested in detailed reviews of NGPC games in our handheld section like we have NGPC reviews. I’m still waiting for Pankonin to put up about 5 different GBA reviews I did in my old Retrograding: ADVANCE columns which I’ve sent to him TWICE to pad out the GBA section. Plus if we change it to handheld, I can also do WONDERSWAN reviews, which will make a certain 411 Forum Mod very happy. ;-)

But enough chit chat about what you’re going to learn about anyway. This week’s column takes a look at games that should have been made but well, for reasons that only Nyarlathotep can fathom, they haven’t been. Of course, they may be games that have only occurred to my sick and twisted mind, but if that’s the case I have no problem with letting companies steal any of these ideas. Well any company that isn’t named Square, Electronic Arts, or Acclaim.

1. Riverdale Dating Sim!

Come on people! Dating sims are hilarious. Thousand Arms. Sakura Taisen. Bloody Bride. Love Hina ADVANCE. They are all zany, cute and funny in some way. And for a lot of gamers, it’s the only way they’ll ever get to hit on a girl. But even HBK here enjoys playing as Meis trying desperately to get into Sodina’s panties. Because these things are both perverse and innocent. But most of all, they NEVER take themselves seriously. It’s a shame they haven’t caught on more in the US of A, as a good dating sim can be a quick and funny waste of time.

But the fact remains the most perfect dating sim licenses have never been touched by the genre. One of those is Tenchi Muyo! Which is too perfect for words, but will probably never get made because of all the closet Sasami peodophiles out there (Although I’m a Kiyone fan myself). But then we have one that any good comic fan should recognize: ARCHIE FUCKING ANDREWS.

Think about it. You have the Tenchi based plot already built in, but for a more American audience. You have one ugly dumb kid who can’t commit and that no chick in real life would ever lust after, with two very different women who would love to get slipped his sausage. And for added fun, you could give Archie the option of branching out from Betty and Veronica into Midge (with the dangers of getting the shit beaten out of him by Moose), Nancy (for some jungle fever), Cheryl Blossom, and even Miss Grundy, because we all know she’s a hardcore bondage freak. And if they really wanted to be daring, even allow a little homosexual encounter with Reggie and our Jughead. Because you know everyone in Riverdale swings both ways.

Although gameplay in Dating Sims that have made it to the US have generally been RPG’s with dating sim elements in the form of questions, I envision the Riverdale Dating sim in a more FPS mode, where you wander around Riverdale and encounter the ladies in a variety of situations that, if you play your cards right, eventually lead to some wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am action.

Now I know what you’re thinking. ‘Alex. Archie comics would never allow this. It’s a good and pure comic trapped in the ideals of the 50’s and it’s monetary success is steeped in the fact Archie can’t commit or develop a meaningful relationship with anyone.’ To that I have one piece of proof that the creators of Archie comics will let anything happen if the price is right.

Eat it up big boy

People, if Archie Comics was willing to do a crossover with the Punisher, then you KNOW they’d be willing to do a Dating sim if a VG company just asked. And besides, it doesn’t have to get sexual. Dating sims run the gambit from innocent chat all the way up to full on, well, nasty bit exploration. So let it be tame and cute. Besides, the online multiplayer version would just become cyber sex with graphics anyway…

2. Captain N: The Game Master

A cartoon only made possible by the insane juggernaut that was Nintendo back in the 8 bit days. Look at it. Comprised of characters from Nintendo, Konami, and Capcom, this cartoon was pretty damn popular in its day. But imagine this retro baby brought up into the 21st century. Any game where you can play as Kid Icarus, Samus, Mega Man, Simon Belmont and Link would make most VG fans jiz themselves with delight.

And of course there would be two ways to do it. The first is obviously a Super Smash Brothers Format, but that would be tired and old, and bring both the SSB and Captain N liscences down into the dregs. Why would Nintendo need to risk ruining one of its biggest franchises? No the way to go with this game would be in a Platformer type game. After all, every character from the series, save King Hippo, originated in that environment. And NO, Legend of Zelda is NOT an RPG. That’s like calling Castlevania 2 an RPG. Same damn style of play people. Same style of play.

We all know Konami and Capcom are both still on good terms with each other as well as Nintendo. Capcom was willing to give The Big N rights to the RE series, and Konami allows the hero from Boktai to appear in the newest Mega Man GBA game. And so this game is feasible in its potential to exist. We just need to get it made.

Imagine a boss fight where the game ends up playing just like Punch-Out where you have to go toe to toe with King Hippo. Or a duel against the Eggplant King? Or even a classic 2D Metroid battle against the Blaxploitation version of Mother Brain. How kick ass would that be?

And never mind the fact this game would be a system seller…

3. Silverhawks

Partly Metal; Partly Real! SILVERHAWKS! Wings of Metal; Nerves of Steel! SILVERHAWKS!

I will admit, that like Visionaires I am proud to own every single episode of this cartoon that was ever made. And that when I was a kid this toy series was second only to Transformers with me. I even ruined two boxes of my mommy’s tinfoil to make a Quicksilver Hallowe’en Costume. I loved these guys. Yes, they’re now obscure and probably forgotten, but I’m sure SOME 411mania readers have sweet Silverhawk love in their hearts, right?

And there’s no better genre for guys (and a gal) that can fly through space and blow stuff up with shoulder mounted lasers than my beloved 2D shooter genre. Imagine making your Copper kid dip and swerve through explosions from Windhammer. Or going toe to toe with Moe-Lec-U-Lar. Or even a big battle between the Mirage and Mon-Star and his squid thingie. All of those would kick all kinds of awesomeness.

Now, as Silverhawks was one of the first cartoons on Toonami, it’s still fresh enough in people’s minds. And it could easily be brought back to TV if Cartoon Network thought it would do well ratings wise. As well, any money to be made of Silverhawks would be snatched up greedily by the owners of the series, as what else are they going to do with the rights to a 20 year old dead cartoon and toy line?

Someone make this game! I want to see little tiny cyborg guys with wings dodging hundreds of bullets, lasers, and shrapnel. I want something on par with Ikaruga but with a name brand attached to it to bring out retro cartoon freaks and 80’s nostalgianists!

4. Jem and the Holograms

Come on people! Jem is truly outrageous! Truly truly truly outrageous! How can people not want to play a game involving an 80’s glam punk band made up of all girls doing battle with an EVIL all girl glam punk band. Imagine it. Parappa the Rappa style gaming with bad 80’s geared towards a female demographic game! And the thing is, this would sell even outside the Demographic! Who needs Ms. Spears and her Dance Beat, or another Olson Twin game, or even Barbie spread her legs for Ken part 86? You’ll have JEM!

Well, I know this was short the week compared to a usual Retrograding, but behind the scenes I’m working on the feature, the database, doing a Demikids review and talking to Nokia about why I should even remotely consider wasting my time on the N-Gage and doing reviews of their games on 411mania. Hey, it’s nice to know I’m respected enough that a company singles me out in an attempt to make me their filthy whore, but god, why did it have to be Nokia. SNK! Atlus! Return my sweet ass love!