411 Games Rumor Down-Lo 08.12.03

411 Games Rumor Down-Lo 08.12.03




Hi, I’m Bebito Jackson, and you may have chosen the wrong college major if none of the other “Sanitation Engineers” you work with have degrees. I’m just saying…

So I checked out Star Wars Knights of The Old Republic for Xbox, and let me tell you this has to be one of the best American made rpgs I’ve ever played. Yes I know that’s not saying much, but still. One of my more pleasant renting experiences as of late. I think I’ll actually be able to talk about this one without posting half naked pics of Japanese women with their cups runneth over. Sorry guys.

Without getting into too much detail, one of the title’s more innovative (or just plain cool) features is letting you decide which path you go on. The Light. Or the Dark side. First time going through, I was determined to join the Dark side just for kicks. So I insulted people, talked down to them, blew them off, abandoned the needy, kicked puppies, refused to wipe my feet before coming in doors, all kinds of really mean, jerkish type things. Nothing. Not one single Dark Side Point. What did this game want from me? Well, I soon found out. You see this game makes you feel TRULY evil if you want to join the Dark side. No, seriously. It presents you with scenarios that’ll have you doing some low down, dirty, ethically challenging stuff. Of course eventually I did the types of grimy unscrupulous things needed to lean towards the Sith persuasion but I sure as heck didn’t feel good about doing so. And neither did Bella…


*Bebito and Bella Jackson are chilling in bed all cuddled up talking to each other about their days.*

Bella: …and that’s how I caused 3 car accidents and stopped traffic by just bending over.

Bebito: Wow. Sounds like an interesting day you had.

Bella: Yeah, same old. So how was yours, baby? Did you play your Star Wars game? How was that?

Bebito: Sure did. But man was it disturbing.

Bella: Why?

Bebito: Well you pick a guy and as you play through the game you have the option of leaning towards the Light side of the force with the Jedi and the Darks side of the force with the Sith. And for fun, I’d wanted to see what happened when you went over to the Dark side. But none of the mean things I was doing seemed to get me anywhere. Then I realized that in order for me to become a Sith, the game was going to make me do some things that really bothered my conscious.

Bella: Like what?

Bebito: Ok. Well I broke into this one girl’s apartment. And she was all scared and stuff. So when I talked to her she revealed why she was all jittered up (in addition to having someone break into her home that is) was because there was this guy after her. Apparently someone of pretty high social status or something was coming on to her one-day, drunk. She didn’t want any of it, so the guy got aggressive and tried to force himself on her.

Bella: That’s terrible!

Bebito: Um, yeah. So she took out her vibroblade and slashed him in the face with it giving him a scar to prevent herself from being raped and so she could escape.

Bella: Good for her!

Bebito: Right. Err… so the guy gets pissed and puts out a bounty on her head for anyone to bring her in. And as she’s telling all this to you, you have the option to help her. BUT, you also have the option to try to take her in. So, as you know… erm, I was trying to be Sith and all and… well, I kinda needed the money and… and I felt REALLY bad about it… but…

Bella: You took her in!?

Bebito: No actually. I did try, but she resisted and I had to kill her.

Bella: WHAT?!

Bebito: But it was a mistake! I didn’t mean to kill her! How was I supposed to know that she wasn’t going to follow me to her death quietly? The girl freaked out and went all light saberish on me so I had to take her out. And besides, everything else I was doing to become a Sith wasn’t working and that finally got me some Dark side points! I wouldn’t have done it if there were any other way! I even robbed the girl and that didn’t do anything.

Bella: You killed her and then you robbed her???

Bebito: No, no. I robbed her first and then I killed her! It’s completely different!

*Bella pushes Bebito away.*

Bebito: Oh come on! I said I felt bad about it! You’re not really upset are you?

Bella: Yes! You’d better erase that game, and start being nice to people.

Bebito: Hey hold on! I’ve just started getting some good Sith points going! I didn’t even have to kill anymore potential rape victims this time. I’ve just been extortioning money from people and black mailing shop owners now. It’s the Sith equivalent of going legit, babe!

Bella: ERASE the game! Go become a Jedi!

Bebito: Yes Master Bella… Does this mean I’m not getting any?

Bella: Well, I’m not THAT mad…

So I’m off to be a Jedi. If there’s anything worth telling I’ll let you know next week. In the meantime, go buy this game. You’ll be happy you did. If you lean toward the Light side of the force that is. Just a word of warning though: Those of you looking for more an action adventure type playing experience may get turned off by this game. It’s an rpg through and through. You can’t even directly control your character during combat and only by selecting from menus and then sitting back and watching the action unfold does any fighting occur. Oh, and be prepared for a LOT of talking. Like… a LOT of talking. Thank goodness the voice acting is above average because there’s like… well, a LOT of talking. But again, if you want a brainless hack n’ slash game playing experience, go try out one of the other hundreds of crappy Star Wars games. I’m sure you’ll find something. Everyone else? Buy without hesitation.

As for the revamped appearance of the column? I’ve uploaded Down-Lo Version 2.0, so the softwares a bit updated. It’ll be evolving like this for the next few weeks, so just sit back and relax if you notice any changes. The things just adapting to its surroundings. Hopefully you like. :) The Down-Lo. IT’S THINKING…

Behold the “Sith Lord” Edition of the Down-Lo. The DLR‘s will guide you young padawan in the ways of the force. Trying to trust in them is not an option. Do or do not do. There is no try.

God, can I get any more corny?

The answer is yes.

Enjoy. I do.


This is the Down-Lo.

Question to the readers. What’s the pinnacle of all 2d fighting games? The arcade addicts I know are heavily split on this one, with everything from Fatal Fury: Mark of the Wolves, to Samurai Showdown II, to Street Fighter III: Third Strike (don’t you just love how thick Chun Li’s thighs are in that one) competing in the running. I mean, when it comes to 3d fighting games it’s pretty much a gimmie. Virtua Fighter 4 Evolution. Simple. But when one mentions 2d everything in the world gets spewed out, and no one has been able give me a concrete answer. My pick? I don’t have one. Love em’ all. I can get down with some SNK vs Capcom then shoot over Samurai Showdown and then on over to Guilty Gear. It’s all good in my hood, so I’m too fickle to decide superiority. One of the few things I don’t have a true opinion on to be honest. “Oh come on, Bebito! That’s a cop-out!” Ok, fine. If I had a gun to my head and a tazer to my crotch with no assurance that the gun would be shot off first and I was forced to decide, I’d go with Street Fighter Alpha 3. If only because I haven’t heard any cooler way to begin a round of fighing than for someone to shout, “Nobody blink! Go for broke!” But anytime ANY new fighter is rumored I get all schoolgirl-like giggly.

Speaking of which… Word is that a new title in the Guilty Gear series will be coming down the pike to an arcade near you (and of course by federal law, eventually to a console near you). While this would primarily be a “remix” game without any new characters and still in 2d (nothing wrong with that by the way), it would have network capabilities across arcades- including a four player networked battle mode. That’s right, GG is going all Marvel Vs Capcom on us! Well wait. That may not be entirely true. It’s very well possible that it’ll be a tagfest like in MvC but rumors are also floating around that it may be an Everyone-Fighting-At-Once 4 player lunacy in the vein of the console version of Street Fighter Alpha 3. That would be INSANE. And very hard to balance the gameplay if they did. They’ve got my quarter for sure if they do though. Ok, let’s be honest… they’ve got my quarter even if it just has network capabilities.

*giggles like a school girl*

As reported by our very own Square junkie turned Atlus-hore Lee Baxley (I told him not to hang around Alex Lucard), Squaresoft will be releasing Front Mission 1st for PSone. But that’s not the only title SquareEnix is considering for re-release. As of now it’s unconfirmed but I have it on good authority that they’ll be releasing remakes of Seiken Densetsu 3 (Secret of Mana 2) and Final Fantasy III for PSone as well; both of which were never released in North America. Now if only we could get them over here to the US this time…

Ok, truthfully I could care less. Today I must be on my period because I don’t like Squaresoft right now and I’m thinking more about Sega. “Oh you don’t say, Bebito… Like THAT’S something new.” Oh shut up. Currently I just can’t get those SegaAges titles out of my head. And if someone doesn’t bring over the remake of Phantasy Star I to the US, I swear I’m going to Sega of America’s headquarters strapped with dynamite, the aforementioned Phantasy Star remake, and the other two scenarios of Shining Force III that they failed to bring over and blow the freaking place sky high.

Err, yeah. The remakes. Good shot this is the real deal.

StarCraft Ghost looks freaking amazing. Absolutely stunning. Remember when the overly eager fanboys used to say around when the Dreamcast came out that, “Wow! Those ingame graphics look like FMV!” Well those were a bunch of dorks and that was a bunch of bull crapage. I’ve yet to see a game’s engine perfectly mimic that one of a beautifully done FMV. The PS2 with it’s “revolutionary” Emotion Engine (“revolutionary” meaning nightmare to develop for) hasn’t even done it yet. Xenosaga was pretty undeniably, but it was easily apparent when you were watching one of it’s many ridiculously long ingame movies as opposed to one of it’s many ridiculously long FMV movies. That’s how it’s always been. And I’d say that’s how it always would be until possibly the next generation of consoles. Until I saw SCG demoed on Xbox that is. Now I don’t know what to think. All I know is, a PS2 couldn’t do that. Heck, MAYBE even a GameCube couldn’t handle that graphics engine. So with that said, is the game going to be an Xbox exclusive? That’s the debate.

The Blizzard-produced action/adventure title based on its most popular universe is headed in the direction of Bill Gates and company. That’s a gimmie since that’s what it’s been to shown to gaming publications and tradeshow spectators running on. But there’s a strong general consensus that only “The Power Of Xbox!” can handles such a game, and from what I’ve learned the chances of Ghost going Xbox-exclusive are pretty good. Really good truthfully. There’s also a chance we could see a three-month window of exclusivity for Xbox owners over the other consoles, but the odds are against that and people “in the know” are maintaining that StarCraft Ghost will appear on only one system in 2004.

Chalk one up for Xbox owners.

It’s been touched on by my homey Bryan Berg, but rumors are floating around courtesy of CNN’s Game Over column that there’s a possibility of a price cut coming for Nintendo’s Gamecube console. Analysts are predicting a price cut to $99 for the Gamecube by as early as September time. The poor sales of the console, along with the lack of retail shelf space, is what may force Nintendo to slash the price. Guess Nintendo WAS reading the Thank God It’s Thursday News Report last week, eh?

Want to know what one of the best things IGN has done in a long time is? No, not charging people to read reviews a day early. They’ve come up with this sweet series of columns called, IGN’s Fact or Fiction. They take basic rumors and either confirm them or completely dispel them. It’s the greatest public service since the Down-Lo! Too bad they make you pay for that at first too. Bleh. Anyway, this story they have on the future of the Legend of Zelda series on GameCube is worth using the PHONE-IT-IN-MACHINE on because I can’t express it any more eloquently than they already have. So here it is, without interruptions. Read curiously.

Despite initial negative reaction to its new, cartoonish direction, Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker sold very well, especially considering its off-season release in March — but not without a considerable effort by Nintendo, such as a fantastic preorder campaign that gave Zelda fans a previously unreleased version of Ocarina of Time, completely free of charge. While GameCube fans quickly fell in love with the top-rated title, the million seller unfortunately did little to jumpstart system sales and actually bring new audiences to Nintendo’s under appreciated console. With most of 2002’s and 2003’s top sellers firmly rooted in more realistic styles and sporting grittier graphics, many Nintendo analysts said that Zelda’s look was just too similar to the company’s other flagship titles like Super Mario Sunshine, Luigi’s Mansion, Pokemon and Pikmin to grow the GameCube’s userbase.

Since then, persistent rumors about a darker, more realistic Zelda game starring a version of Link in the vein of Soul Calibur II’s GameCube exclusive character have been circulating the web and even appeared in a few magazines. Has Nintendo really abandoned the cartoon look and is starting from scratch on its next Zelda game to craft a dark, more mainstream installment in the franchise?

Not yet, at least according to Nintendo’s star developers Shigeru Miyamoto and Eiji Aonuma. The two driving forces behind Wind Waker already let it slip at E3 that the next Zelda title would use similar presentation and graphics. We’ve heard that although the second GameCube Zelda game will look and control almost exactly like Wind Waker it will feature some very different gameplay elements as well as a different looking Link. Cryptic stuff? Well, take a look at the differences between Majora’s Mask (also Aonuma’s baby) and Ocarina of Time, and you’ll get the idea. Though the less cartoony Ocarina of Time remains the top-rated Zelda game in the series (we gave it a 10 when it came out in 1998 — and your reader ratings have it at 9.8, versus a 9.6 for Wind Waker), Nintendo seems to believe that the cel-shaded style is an appropriate choice for the franchise. Whether you agree with this, or not, if the company had to start from scratch on an all-new look, the game would definitely have to appear on GameCube’s successor. Instead, Nintendo is reusing the game system, style and models of its most recent achievement, and Zelda fans are getting one more installment in the beloved franchise without having to shell out more cash for a new system.

These guys would know. So the odds of a realistic looking Zelda for the Cube coming any time soon or at all are slim to none. I’m just as sad to hear about that as you are. BUT, at least we’re getting something!

And that’s the Down-Lo.

Thanks to eGO Gaming, IGN, GameGossip, and Spong.com for today’s stories.


Normally I’d only show you things outside the 411 Games family. But SCREW THAT. We’ve got the goods right here at home, as I’ve found some great stuff at our very own site that you may not have seen yet. And for shame if you didn’t. Check out these 411 Previews of the hottest games coming to a console near you complete with screenshots and hands-on impressions. All of them are hand picked by me, and are almost definites to be additions within the Bebito and Bella game library. So yes feel free to pre-order; they’ve got the Official Bebito Seal of Approval. Which is 10 times trustworthier than that Official Nintendo Seal of Approval. How often would you play a sucky game on the NES and see that Seal and be all like, Nintendo actually approved this garbage?’:

Preview Beyond Good & Evil (All)
The creator of the acclaimed Rayman series has something special in store…

Preview Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles (GC)
Final Fantasy makes its big return to the Nintendo console, check out impressions…

Preview Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (All)
The turtles are back, multi-console! Check out the impressions…

Preview Sonic Heroes (All)
This is the Sonic game you’ve been waiting for. Find out why…

Preview Dance Dance Revolution Ultramix (XB)
The famous Bemani franchise is set to make its X-Box debut! Details inside!

Preview Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes (GC)
Metal Gear makes its Gamecube debut, check out the impressions…


(*Disclaimer* 411 Games, Ashidro, Bebito Jackson, The Rumor Monkey and their affiliates do not promote or condone the smacking of yo mommas.)

You people wanted it. You people wrote in for it. You people got it. Every week I’ll be providing you the latest screens of the upcoming and hottest games set for your home consoles (and PC occasionally). This is how it works guys. You tell us how to improve the place, and we will. Period.

Phantasy Star Online Episode III: C.A.R.D Revolution (GC)

First up here’s some PSO Episode III C.A.R.D. Revolution shots. I’ve never understood the whole card battling phenomena. Especially on a videogame console? Then again I used to play Magic The Gathering before they sold out with my excessively geeky Junior High School chums and that was kind of fun. Guess playing that online against thousands of challengers could be equally as interesting. Hopefully Sega can promote this to the niche market they need it to. Because right about now, they’re getting so far away from the core fans of the original Phantasy Star series that it’s scary. Hey, but I can’t argue with another Sonic Team title, no matter how hard I want to.

Here’s some quick info. According to GameFront and GamesAreFun, players currently having a Hunter’s License on Phantasy Star Online Episodes I&II for GameCube are in for a treat if they decide to get the sequel. Sega has officially announced that current PSO players can carry their Hunter’s Licenses over to PSO Ep. III. Whoopie!

Castlevania: Lament of Innocence (PS2)

These have been floating around for a while, but even if you’ve already seen them… you’ve just got to stop and gawk at them all over again. How can you not? They’re freaking Castlevania shots! And we’ve got a chance at this being the FIRST good 3d game in the series! How can you not just want to stare and drool at them forever. Especially because the lead character is named after and based off of our very own Alex Lucard!

Ok, no. Not really… I can’t back that up. Alex would have sued them. Again.

Dead Or Alive Online

Remember when Dead Or Alive 2 came out on the Dreamcast, and the Official DC Magazine gave it a perfect score of 10, while snubbing Soul Calibur with a 9? Till this day I still wonder what they were smoking. And where I can get some. Purely for glaucoma reasons…

Anyway, the DOA series just hasn’t been doing it for me since then. But the prospect of the first smooth running, entirely online 3d fighter does sound extremely intriguing. Thing doesn’t look bad either. Plus, rumor has it (oh uh! there that wacky Bebito goes again!) that Tecmo delayed the title to include the previously missing Dead Or Alive 3 to the online package! It’s just too bad Xbox Live is broadband only. It would have been cool for lag to kick in as their boobs were bouncing.

Screens courtesy of Games Press and Games Are Fun.


Good amount of feedback centered around something nearly the entire 411 Games staff is sick and tired of talking about. Wrestling video games. Eh, it makes sense considering last week’s column. Yet and still I’m tired of talking about them, so I’ll be censoring certain words within today’s mailbag. From this point forward the word “Wrestling” and variations thereof will be replaced with the word “BOOTY” or its plural. The words “No Mercy” will be replaced with “PENIS”. And “Smackdown” will be replaced with “CRACKHOES”. Thank you all for bearing with me during this. But you all know how I love to censor things I’m not happy with in the Down-Lo. Everything will return to normal after the feedbag. If you wrote in, please forgive me for butchering your letter.


Here’s the ranking going in ascending order:
– Dufus
– Poindexter
– Regular
– Homey
– Rap Master
– Funk Lord
– Down-Lo Devotee
– 411 Mania Writer
– ????? (Custom Made Title)



Hey bebito. I think you should absolutely go out of your way to post new screens of all those hot ass new games you mentioned (And maybe one you forgot, DRIVER 3..) because for guys like me, I come to 411to read rants on wrestling most of the time and check your column out too while I’m there. The midnight club info was cool to read. I think if someone could come up with a game like automodelista & tokyo xtreme racer (Real cars with a number of kits, wheels, color options and other mods) Fully licensed and a city big enough to get lost in, ala GTA, then they’d have a megahit on their hands. I don’t know if midnight club is the engine to build off of, but MNC2 definitely had a good start with the city’s size. Realistic handling and car appearance are key however, so I can’t say that the third time’s the charm in this case. The new Need for Speed title should be fun, they always have been. The restriction to “tracks” portions of the city where you compete in a linear race will hold the game back for guys like me.. Eventually someone will come out with a game where you get to race in a city, multiplayer or vs. the computer, and maybe they’ll throw in a gang mode just for me. I’d be happy for quite awhile with a game like that.

BTW – CRACKHOES will ALWAYS get the nod for best American Pro-BOOTY title simply because it has the best Character creation mode, bottom line. With the huge assortment of moves you can add to your arsenal that no Computer character can use, you have an undeniable winner. The guy I most use in the game is the guy I patterned after myself. I can drop SSP’s and 450 splashes on Kevin Nash all goddamn day and he can’t do anything about it.

Later. Like I said, more breaking news, more screenshots, more props. Take it easy.

— Skylar Woodman / Dufus

Hmm. You’re ideal racing game sounds extremely ambitious, but I’m surprised someone hasn’t come up with it already. The closest you’ll probably get IS your previously mentioned Driver 3. Hopefully those guys aren’t too bitter from having their concept stolen from under them by GTA3 to produce a quality title.

And take it easy on Nash. He’s not such a bad guy. Lee Baxley’s the Bad Guy.


Hola Bebito, and congrats on another piece of comic gold with the Spankonin Desire video. Only two disagreements, and even only one of them is a true dispute…point one, glitch be damned, PENIS rules all and CRACKHOES sucks balls. If THQ had half a mind, they’d snap up the AKI-engine (by any means necessary) and use that with their improved graphics, million moves, etc. to create the true ultimate BOOTY game. That was the real dispute, so on to the not-so-real one, point two…

“Before I recap, let’s get something straight first. I don’t like BOOTY games. I don’t like talking about BOOTY. I don’t like the fact that we have one of the best game writing staffs on the planet and we’re still stuck with the stigma of being a bunch of BOOTY internet junkies that simply play games now and then. It drives me insane, especially because a good amount of us don’t even WATCH BOOTIES.”

That isn’t a problem, I’d say the majority of the free peoples of the world don’t care for our little testosterone ballet. One thing though, being “stuck with the stigma”? There wouldn’t be a 411Games for you to post that statement if not for the success of 411BOOTY, and I imagine that the majority of your initial readership first read you after signing on to read the day’s BOOTY news. I’m not saying that what you said was wrong, far the f*ck from it. But, you may offer a little gratitude to what brought you a place to strut your stuff. Besides, video game geek is no less a stigmata than BOOTY geek. ;)

— Chad Hauver / Dufus

I didn’t think anyone would actually take the whole PENIS Vs. CRACKHOES discussion so seriously. That’s why I ended it on something as frivolous as the game glitch. I’m retarded like that. :) Don’t worry. In my heart and mind, PENIS is and always will be superior.

As for my feelings as to when it comes to being associated with a BOOTY site and being stuck with that “stigma”, perhaps you’ve misread my feelings. I believe Alex Lucard said it best for us all just recently when he stated… (I’ll even refrain from editing this one)

“We know we started out as a subsect of 411WRESTLING.com. But there is a reason Widro and Ashish turned us into 411MANIA.com. Because we’re more than wrestling. We’re distinct from the wrestling section. We’re 411games. And we do get royally pissed when a bunch of people say Hey. That article Alex/ Bebito /Lee /Bryan /Cory /etc did was pretty good…FOR A WRESTLING SITE.’

By appealing solely to our roots as a wrestling site, 411games will never grow. We will never reach new people and other gamers than the core audience we have. We don’t want to stagnate. We want to be the best. Look at the first letter in this column. People like 411 games as one of the best gaming sites on the net. And you know what? We’re proud of that, but it’s not good enough for us. We’re not happy until we are THE best. And in order to do that, we all have to shy away from just wrestling coverage and push that into the background as just another set of games. I know the staff and I have talked via email about this, but I’ll let them speak for themselves on this particular subject. I just know I’d rather see coverage of everything BUT wrestling for a while. At least until we can prove to the naysayers out there that we’re distinct and separate from our sister section. And even better ;-)”

That sums it up nicely. What brought on this emotional tirade from our resident goth gamer? Me. You see I know that a lot of you guys take us seriously as one of the best gaming stops on the web. But that’s because you all liked the BOOTY portions of 411 and know that whoever Ashish /Widro lets write on this place is going to have some quality backing that up. Thus when you see us bringing it over here, it makes sense within your collective brain cells and you continue to read us. But there are TONS of people out there that are biased against of BECAUSE of this very fact. That they look at our stuff and say, “Yeah they’ve got a point I guess. But how seriously can you the take the opinions of BOOTY junkies? Let’s go pay for content at (insert garbage exclusive pay to read site here) instead.” And that’s what bothers me. That’s what bothers us all. And that’s what we’re going to change: Every one of those gamer’s minds. One click at a time. Until we are the best. And until everyone knows it. Period.

Because we WILL BE the best.

—Rant Over-


Wow, I can’t believe this. Despite being a Down-Lo Devotee, my letter to you gets printed in the color that the dufuses (dufii?) get! What is that all about? Where’s the respect? Do I need to write a Matt Hardin-like manifesto to get treated properly? And why don’t you return my phone calls? I mean, geesh, you still owe me for mowing your lawn…

You know, for a supposed big-time BOOTY fan, I haven’t played a lot of the games. Personally, one of my all-time faves in that category is Tecmo Pro BOOTY or somesuch for the original NES. Not regular Pro BOOTY (great though it was), but Tecmo’s. They had a lot of Japanese and Mexican moves in it that I had never seen at that point in time. Ah, the good old days.

I hope that Shenmue collection is made, but it has to come out for PS2 as well. I ain’t buying no X-Box, even for such a great game (in the words of alla youse fan boys). So this needs to be multi-platform. Then all will be well in the world. Well, my world. Well, my world of video games.

That’s all for now

— Jim Moore / Down-Lo Devotee

Sorry for your letter being the wrong color the other week. Those types of things, color swapping, ghosts, dEjà vu, those are all just glitches in the Matr… err, Down-Lo. Happens from time to time. They’ll be less prevalent with the 2.0 version.

So you’ll get Shenmue if it hits the PS2, eh? Hopefully the rumors of a multiplatform collection spanning current system are true and you’ll get your wish. It just makes me wonder how long it would take to port part I to Xbox, parts I & II to PS2 and GameCube, and create a cross platformed part III for all of them. Guess 2009 is a realistic release date, eh?

And no PLEASE GOD don’t start writing on the Matt Hardin levels. My brain can only take one a week. And speak of the devil…


I’m with you on the GT4 thing. I was never a fan either, but 4 looks too good to pass up. I’ll still never get behind the laughability of trying to soup up a Civic though. Here’s hoping those 500 licensed
cars include more vehicles that are actually race worthy instead of myriad plasticized econoboxes. A Neon with a spoiler and chrome rims is still a Neon.

Memo to Mike V. that I’m surprised you didn’t catch: Xenosaga was Monolith/Namco, not Square. Just trying to keep the Square-bashing to its appropriate recipients. ^_^

And hey, what happened to the eye candy last week? I put a LOT of effort into ensuring that you would think lots and lots about Tomb Raider. And all for naught, apparently. Such is life.

Castrating yourself over a video game is simply not worth it dude, even if the ignorant masses spew faux-h4x0r in your face because of it. Castrate them instead! ^_^

Funny you should mention Battletoads, I just popped that into the old emulator the other day. One thing that I’ve noticed while playing a lot of old NES games: the control was godawful. I’m surprised I ever beat Super Mario 1… but I guess mastering the Mario Drift Factor was all a part of growing up in our generation, ne?

And I really don’t think you’re negative, just about FFT. And I think I just officially beat that topic into the ground, lol.

Why does everyone say they hate McNutt? That was some good stuff. Too bad the Pantone color of the text is “Runny Diarrhea.”

Anyway, I feel bad. Another week gone by without having my sanity placed in question by a simple email. Well, at least here. If a certain 411 Games news reporter and reviewer is placed under psychiatric care in the near future, IT WASN’T MY FAULT! Wait a second… I could relate my dream last night! YES! Dude, check this out… I was out driving, and I was doing some whacked GTA shit, and the cops were all after me and stuff. They eventually caught me, but I was all like “I didn’t do it. So there.” And some other stuff happened too, but it’s a dream, you know? I can’t remember everything. So I’m in court, and I’m still all calm and stuff, even though I remembered doing the illegal shit in my dream. So then… and this is where it gets weird… someone finds out that someone made an evil clone of me. From my Advance Wars 2 gamesave. And then some other stuff happens and I wake up. It was really creepy.

So I guess that’s it for this week. *sigh of relief from Bebito* Next week’s column better have more monkey in it, or else I might start to get nasty. *gives a mean, intimidating look* Hey…! C’mon, stop laughing… I’m serious here!

…meanie! :-ppppPPppPppPpPPPPppPPpPpppPP

— Matt Hardin / 411 Figures

Matt’s here almost as much for your entertainment as he is mine. Just sit back, point and laugh, and be happy this guy writes in so much. And Matt… you’re my dogg. Fo shizzle.


Hello Bebito. Since every other 411 writer seems to have written to you, I figured I’d get in on the action. I enjoy taking the time to read your reports every chance I get, and you have no idea how sad I was when I thought you were not going to be writing with us anymore. Ok, I wasn’t like, distraught or anything, but I was saddened. There, thats better.

Anyway, just figured I’d send you some more fan mail, inflate your head just a little more. I’d complain about not getting any of my own but it’s not like I write enough to get any. Look for a new review whenever Chris decides to post it however.

Keep up the good work man.

— Michael O’Reilly / 411 Games

More love letters from the staff. Thanks Michael! Proud to work along side of you as well.

Wow, nearly everyone at 411 Games has put me over as of late. Ya know what? It’s time to return the favor!

Cory Laflin is just more than my apprentice. He’s the fastest improving writer at 411 Games. His news reports have been picking up steam as of late, and the new format he experimented with just yesterday works for him. Do I miss Ron Yip? Yes. Do I mind going after Cory? Not at all.

And the rest of the guys are pretty good too. I’m too lazy to shill them all. Off the top of my head those who constantly bring the awesomeness are Bryan Berg, Alex Williams, Lee Baxley, Chuck Platt, Liquidcross, and Alex Lucard. Just off the top of my head again. Those are the only names that kliq as of now. Hey we all know I don’t do plugs outside of the 411 Games Quote of The Week. Speaking of which…


While you’re in the kitchen making a Dirty Martini with extra dirty, she’s sitting in your living room and what does she see but a mint condition copy of Legend of Zelda on top of your Magnavox. Even if she’s not a gamer, she’ll instantly recognize you as the blinging gangsta of love we all know you are by the gold-plated goodness atop your set.
— Chuck Platt (A Thumb To The Eye 08.05.03)

Possibly the funniest 411 Games column ever written, good old Chucky teaches young and upcoming playas how to get laid using videogame music to set the mood! I can’t give a higher recommendation to you good people to read something other than this. Go see why Alex Lucard and I did everything except sodomize cows to get this guy on the staff. And after you’re done reading his column from last week, go check out his stuff that comes out TODAY. That’s right, he’s got the Tuesday columns spot… so remember Tuesday is a busy day for you guys at 411 Games. Read the Down-Lo and then A Thumb To They Eye. They go together like fine wine and fine women.

Err… the Down-Lo’s the wine.


Ah, Ratchet & Clank. What a charming action platformer that was. The weapons upgrades, the fluid animation, the appropriately cheesy voice acting. Was the most fun I’ve ever had with a whatever the blood clot Ratchet is supposed to be in my entire life. Question though. Was it just I, or didn’t Ratchet & Clank seem like a poor man’s Jak & Daxter? R&C (the game not the cola; the cola was pretty awesome) played second fiddle to the game that it’s own engine was based off of, fittingly enough, J&D. Was that the reason right there; a derivative feel? Nah. That Ratchet guy was as vanilla as they come. I mean, Jak didn’t even SPEAK the whole first game and he has more personality than that rat looking dude. Hopefully they’ll find some charisma for the guy in the game’s sequel, Going Commando because as long as they keep the insanely destructive action gameplay from the original in toe, they could have a winner on their hands. At the very least the game LOOKS like it got smacked with whatever the opposite of the ugly stick is. A good thing. As even I’m impressed. And that’s not as easily done as you might think. Astounding video.

Down-Lo Video Preview:

(DLV OF THE WEEK: Ratchet and Clank: Going Commando)

Well that’s it. Yall be good now. Read me next week, and be sure to tell your friends about the Down-Lo. I’m the foshizzle like dat, yo. Until then, keep it on the DL. Peace. I’m out.

Don’t you just love it when I get all eboniced up like that? :)