Angry Gamer’s Mailbag 07.23.03

I stole this idea from Alex "Ha! I got you into Harvest Moon!" Lucard. Actually, he told me to do it; I don’t have time to answer all the emails I get from my column (no offense), so I figured I’d dig out the cream of the crop and post them here, complete with my thoughts.

Let’s start with my personal favorite! Tom E. writes the following (my comments are found in [brackets]):

"Comparing shooters and FPS is like comparing football and tuna fish. [If you say so…I was going on the assumption that both involved shooting things as their core gameplay element.] Idiot. But since that didn’t stop you from doing it anyway…[No shit. It IS my job, after all.] "Oooh, I want a boring, repetative set of enemies that attack predicably every single time I play, and are blatantly designed to suck every quarter out of my pocket as quickly as possible. [What? You mean that the REAL purpose of arcade machines is to make money?! How DARE they?!] I like that because I am too STOOPID to figure out how to use more than 2 buttons, probably because of my full frontal lobotomy, and my tragic rubber cement addiction. [Yeah, that having to run and maintain multiple operating systems and computer hardware only takes 2 buttons.] Halo SUX because I hate what everyone else likes because I am an anti-social little tool that was either beaten too little or too much as a child. [Well, you got me on the beaten too much part. But I hate Halo because it’s yet another FPS clone.] And Korn SUX now that they are sell-outs and all their songs are all happy and queer (in the GAY way). [I’ve never really liked Korn to begin with.] Bungie SUX for revolutionizing gameplay and graphics and singlehandedly raising the bar for all games here on out. [They didn’t “revolutionize” anything other than the current crop of FPS. I’ve seen better graphics. I’ve seen better gameplay. And so has anyone else. Besides, how would an FPS affect all games from here on out? Somehow, I don’t think Halo is going to affect the next incarnations of sporting titles, Super Mario Bros., or Space Channel 5.] Now if you will excuse me, it’s time for my mid-morning jack-off and then I have to piss away the rest of my day playing games from a genre that died 10 years ago." [My jack-off session usually takes place at night; my prostate health is important to me. By day, I’m too busy working a steady job to earn my salary and pay my bills. Responsibility and all, ya know.]

Next up, we’ve got Brian B. who writes:

"Try to beef up your articles with actual content instead of cockamamie compare/contrast rubbish. You’re an excellent writer, and if you’d just concentrate on something a little bit more challenging than randomly bashing an entire genre against another, you’d definitely be a column I’d check out on a weekly basis. As of now, I might check in in the future if the topic is interesting to me. But you’ve definitely started off on the wrong foot here."

I do appreciate the advice, but you shold bear in mind that this column is specifically designed to bash genres, games, and developers. On the contrary, by getting various emails on the subject, I think I’ve started off on the right foot. Or maybe even the left one…

Now for some more negativity, courtesy of JL:

"411 must let anyone with a computer send in columns and
just print them without checking them out. That’s the only reason I can figure for your column about FPS v. Shooters getting posted. You are one of those guys who thinks they are too cool for school(!) by going against the majority opinion. Good enough. You lose all credibility, and establish yourself as a fanboy, by making statements such as "
Halo sucks! There I said it!"

I go against the majority opinion, because in general, the majority is
made up of casual gamers. It’s my job to stand out, and propogate an
alternate view. C’mon, the same applies to pretty much anything; music, film, etc. I hate that filthy tramp Christina Aguilera, but the majority of people seem to love her enough. Does that make me "too cool for school" because I don’t like her?

One more for today. Phil W. says:

"Hey…you forgot one more lame response: ‘SHOOTERS ARE NOTHING BUT THE SAME THING WITH DIFFERENT NAMES! YOU PLAYED ONE, YOU PLAYED THEM ALL!!!’ My repsonse to that can be summed up in two words: TOMB RAIDER. Thanks
for the ode to shooters. We need to bring real games back!"

Truer words have never been spoken, my friends. And thanks Phil for pointing out that lame response for me; I have gotten that on quite a few occasions.

That’s all for now. If your letter didn’t get printed, please don’t take personal offense. If it did get printed, and you did take personal offense, and decide to flame me for it, don’t waste your time; email has spam filters for a reason.

Tune in later this week for a brand new column!