I’ll admit it– when we first received Mean Girls here at the DieHard GameFAN offices, we all had a good chuckle. First of all, the movie came out five years ago. Second, the game was being billed as, “match-three, strategy, and role-playing game”. None of us could believe it. Mean Girls: the role-playing game?!? Needless to say, it didn’t take much prodding for me to snatch this game up and see what the hype was all about. Could Mean Girls really translate to anything even remotely resembling a RPG? Would leveling up be the result of making girls cry? And most importantly, would the game actually be playable?

1. Story/Modes
Full disclosure time – I’ve never seen Mean Girls, the major motion picture starring Lindsay Lohan and Tina Fey. OK, I’ve seen bits and pieces of it, but that’s because my wife has seen it. Anyway, here’s the gist of the game’s story, which matches up to what I know about the movie – the main character (who can be named anything you’d like, but is named Cady in the movie) moves from South Africa to your typical high school and must decide which clique of students to align herself with. She ends up befriending another student while simultaneously joining a group of popular girls known as The Plastics as a sort of double agent in order to figure out what makes them tick. From there, it’s a series of one-upmanship, as everyone’s trying to get dirt on each other and conspiring to oust one another. In essence, it IS high school.

The game does actually play like a role-playing game in that you, as the main character, must essentially be a go-fer for all of these different people. You have to run around town to do your bidding, and in the process, encounter people who are aligned with the person you’re looking for. Usually, these people will not be so eager to help you out, resulting in a duel – again, not unlike in a role-playing game. Only, instead of fighting using hand-to-hand combat, you engage in a sort of puzzle battle using the tried-and-true, “line three like shapes in a row and they disappear” method. Certain shapes do certain things to your opponent. For example, lining up three whips takes power off your opponent, while lining up three hearts increases their “loyalty”, which makes them want to help you. You can win a battle by either maxing out their loyalty or draining their power bar, and the game claims your method of victory makes a difference in how you’re perceived, but it doesn’t seem to matter all that much.

We’ll get more into the RPG stuff a little later. For now, though, the story matches up pretty well with the movie and the game really does incorporate elements of match-three, strategy, and role-playing games. Not a bad start.
Story/Modes Rating: Above Average

2. Graphics
The graphics in Mean Girls are about what you might expect going in – lots and lots of pink, particularly in the menu screens. Interactions between characters take place in the form of drawn characterizations of the characters – they’re not overly cartoony, but they don’t look totally real, either. This is good, because it’d be hard to take this game seriously if the characters looked too realistic. The battle screens are fairly standard, with not much to write home about either way. The only real issue I have with the graphics is the overhead map of the school. It’s supposed to resemble the kind of overhead map you see in role-playing games, but instead looks like a bad rendition of the gameboard in Clue, complete with transparent rooms and everything. On the plus side, there’s no gratuitous CGI or FMV to slow down gameplay; even if this is because the publishers didn’t want to pay for the rights, it’s addition by subtraction.
Graphics Rating: Poor

3. Sound
Upon firing up Mean Girls, you will be greeted with some licensed song. I’m going to go ahead and assume it’s from the movie; really, though, I have no idea. The rest of the music embodies the term “background music”. Not only is it not all that audible, it’s not particularly memorable, either. The sound effects are pretty average; that they’re not annoying is a plus. Some players might be disappointed that the characters’ dialogue is not spoken by voice actors, but at least the absence of voice acting lets you skip through the conversations with little difficulty.
Sound Rating: Mediocre

4. Control/Gameplay
The controls in Mean Girls could not be any easier. The game will even walk you to your destination if you’d like it to. In essence, all you really have to do is control the match-three games yourself. For this game’s target audience, that’s huge. For a 20-something male RPG nut, it’s horrible. To each their own. Mean Girls is the epitome of a point-and-click, easy-to-play game that you can easily blow through without having to spend hours figuring out what to do.

As for the gameplay… well, most of the questions I’ve gotten about this game relate to how exactly it can be considered an RPG. With this in mind, I’ve decided to create a sort of mini-FAQ explaining how this compares to more conventional role-playing games. And away we go!

Q: So, Mean Girls really is a role-playing game?
A: Yes! Mean Girls features many of the same mechanisms we’ve seen in RPGs for consoles and computers.

Q: Really? You have levels and everything?
A: Yup. The game keeps track of experience points, which is presented to gamer as “popularity”. Once your character earns enough popularity, she gains a level, which means her attributes (attacks, loyalty, intelligence, etc.) increase as well. She can also learn certain techniques that can be used in battle.

Q: Wait a second. Techniques?
A: OK, techniques is what the game calls them. They’re more like spells, and just like in real RPGs, advanced opponents have more powerful spells/techniques than you do. But you can learn to use techniques that will increase your opponent’s loyalty to you, put power back onto your power bar, make certain pieces appear on the three-match board, so on and so forth.

Q: Wow, that’s pretty crazy! So is there level grinding?
A: Believe it or not… yes. While running back and forth between rooms to carry out the storyline, you’ll be stopped by random people, who might bust you for not having a hall pass or some other stupid reason. You can tell these are like the random battles found in other RPGs because these opponents are at or below your level. Most “boss” characters are well beyond your current level, so these random battles can be a good way to build up experience. Bet you never thought Mean Girls would be THIS much like a RPG, did you?
Control/Gameplay Rating: Great

5. Balance
Clearly, Mean Girls isn’t geared toward the hardcore player. It does a great job of presenting advanced gaming elements to neophytes, but this is not the game for the seasoned RPG vet. So it’s clear that this is going to be an easy game. The problem is, like any three-match or puzzle game, there’s a fine line between being hard and being annoyingly cheap, and Mean Girls often crosses that line. When you’re fighting an opponent that’s beyond you in terms of levels, not only does that opponent know more techniques than you, but they also seem to get much more favorable boards – that is, they always seem to get the good power-ups, while you’re stuck eliminating three random pieces because there’s nothing else available. That’s a bit frustrating. The game does feature variable difficulty levels, but these just serve to bring a little more cheapness to the surface.
Balance Rating: Poor

6. Replayability
Is Mean Girls replayable? Well, it’s not a particularly long game. It’s pretty fun, and it’s not all that challenging. Unfortunately, it’s also pretty linear. It’s not unreplayable in that it’s a bad game or that it’s overly annoying, but more that once you beat it, you’ll have done everything there is to do in the game. This is one area where Mean Girls falls short of “real” RPGs – there’s no abundance of hidden stuff to search for, no side quests to embark upon. The main quest is fine, but there’s not much more to do.
Replayability Rating: Poor

7. Originality
Generally, we don’t give games based off movies high scores in the area of originality. After all, even if the movie was original, the game surely isn’t, right? Well, this is a refreshingly original take on a movie, one we haven’t really seen before. Even though the movie came out five years ago, this presents the movie in a new and unique light, and that’s pretty hard to do. Mean Girls is pretty much the furthest thing from your typical cash-in game based off a movie, and for that, the game should be commended.
Originality Rating: Good

8. Addictiveness
There are a lot of role-playing games that you can spend six straight hours playing. Mean Girls isn’t exactly one of those games, but it is a game you can spend a good hour or two playing. It’s not at all difficult and is quirky enough to keep you playing. Of course, once you get done with the game, there’s not much to do with it, but the game does a pretty good job of moving you along without letting you get bored. Again, since this is a game based on a movie, that’s pretty hard to do.
Addictiveness Rating: Above Average

9. Appeal Factor
Mean Girls is a movie that came out five years ago. Most of the teens that saw the movie when it first came out have grown up and are no longer interested in playing a game based on this movie. Adults who watched the movie either don’t play games or are into games that are far more complex than Mean Girls. So, even though this is a licensed game, it doesn’t necessarily equate to the cash-in game most movie games end up being. That said, since it is a movie that did well, it will have its audience, but that audience will be limited since the movie came out so long ago.
Appeal Factor Rating: Bad

10. Miscellaneous
With multiple user profiles, difficulty levels, and even graphic resolution modes, Mean Girls is a pretty versatile game that can conform to most gamers. It’s a game that is geared toward novice gamers, but might end up impressing quite a few people. Even though a lot of the RPG stuff is pretty much window-dressing, it does a much better job of filling the gaps than most puzzle games. Besides, high school pretty much is a role-playing game if you think about it – the more experience you get, the more you know how to handle things, and once you know how to handle things, you’re a lot better off. So kudos to Mean Girls for choosing the right format, even though just about any format works for a licensed game – especially given how much work usually goes into a game based off a movie.
Miscellaneous Rating: Good

The Scores
Story/Modes: Above Average
Graphics: Poor
Sound: Mediocre
Control/Gameplay: Great
Balance: Poor
Replayability: Poor
Originality: Good
Addictiveness: Above Average
Appeal Factor: Bad
Miscellaneous: Good
Final Score: Decent Game

Short Attention Span Summary
While the idea of a movie like Mean Girls being translated into an RPG seems a bit preposterous, not only does the game work, but it works quite well. With a story that matches the movie well, some basic-yet-layered gameplay, and traditional RPG elements, Mean Girls is a game that’s perfect for teenagers and beginning female gamers. It’s not for everybody, but it’s a great introduction into RPG-type games.
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Enter EA Freestyle, who have attempted to create an arcade-type game that not only matches the legacies of NHL Hitz and NBA Jam, but builds a bridge towards the future at the same time. As a result, we have 3 on 3 NHL Arcade, a game with real NHL players, arcade-style gameplay, and a rather attractive price tag. Is 3 on 3 NHL Arcade the next big arcade-type sports game, or is it just another imitator?

1. Story/Modes
Without spoiling the rest of this review too much, let me just say this – if you have no intentions of playing 3 on 3 NHL Arcade online, DO NOT BUY THIS GAME. Why, you ask? Because there are two modes in 3 on 3 NHL Arcade: Play Now and Play Online. So if you’re not going to play online, you’re stuck playing the computer in any number of inconsequential games. You can download the demo and play the computer for free if you want and have just as much fun as if you’d paid $10 for the full game.

Here’s the main problem with 3 on 3 NHL Arcade – there’s very little to do. Playing the computer gets old and so does playing online. Just about every other arcade-style sports game has something resembling a season mode, even if it’s only beating all the other teams in order. And while that sounds decent enough, it’s impossible in 3 on 3 NHL Arcade. That’s because – get this – there aren’t any teams in the game! Instead, you control either the “Blue Team” or the “Red Team.” Clearly EA Freestyle racked its brains coming up with the most cutting-edge team names possible. Once you’ve chosen your color of choice, you pick from a pool of NHL superstars, all of whom are given word ratings (i.e. fast, strong, all-around) instead of number ratings. This is actually good for the casual fan who doesn’t follow the NHL, but if you follow hockey, it leaves you with a sour taste in your mouth. This is IT?!?

Long story short, your $10 didn’t go toward a diverse array of game modes. Instead, you get the bare essentials – and even that’s a bit of a stretch.
Story/Modes Score: Worthless

2. Graphics
Another staple of arcade-style sports games? Big heads! And of course, 3 on 3 NHL Arcade, ever committed to ripping off every arcade cliche ever created, has given every player a big head. Because, you know, big heads mean big sales numbers.

Aside from the big heads, what’s here is actually pretty good. Graphically, the game is reminiscent of NHL 94, only considerably cleaned up and a million times smoother. The ice surface doesn’t have any kind of lines or markings of any kind, which is fine because the rules don’t matter in this game, but the room on the ice is perfect for a 3-on-3 game. It’s not so big that you can break away whenever you want, but it’s big enough that you can get free every so often and can be creative with the puck. The player models look good enough, power-ups are clearly seen on the ice, and the exaggerated arcade stuff stands out to a ridiculous degree, which is exactly what EA Freestyle is going for.
Graphics Score: Good

3. Sound
You know how I said you only needed to download the demo if you’re not playing online? Well, you might want to check out the demo anyway. The reason is that the sound effects in the menus are among the most annoying sound effects ever recorded. It’s almost as if the game wants you to crack mentally, which isn’t a very good thing. Thankfully, the entire game isn’t this bad, as the in-game stuff is pretty reasonable. The voice that announces power-ups sounds like it belongs in an 80s cartoon, which probably sounds funnier than it actually is; still, it’s better than it could have been. My one gripe is that 3 on 3 NHL Arcade could have benefited from an in-game soundtrack, albeit one that could be turned on or off. It’s a fast-paced game and a soundtrack would only help players get more into the game; gameplay tends to be a little hollow with nothing going on in the background. There’s no commentary track in this game, and given how badly they’d have screwed it up if they put one in, we can all be very thankful for its omission.
Sound Score: Poor

4. Control/Gameplay
The controls in 3 on 3 NHL Arcade are nothing short of superb. It’s the perfect blend of the button-mashing you’d expect in an arcade game with the advanced controls you’ve been honing while playing NHL 09. In fact, you can opt to use the same exact control scheme found in NHL 09 if you’d like; this goes a long way to ensure you’re not confused by new controls, which might lead you to bad habits once you go back to NHL 09. If the NHL 09 controls intimidate you, feel free to use the face buttons all you’d like. One thing 3 on 3 NHL Arcade doesn’t tell you is that you can use either configuration from the default scheme – there’s no need to go crazy changing things around.

The gameplay is about what you’d expect, but maybe a little bit more “smart” in terms of hockey sense. You can’t score at will, but your old bag of tricks will work just fine. 3 on 3 NHL Arcade doesn’t just look like a modified version of NHL 94, but it plays very similarly as well in that the action is fast and furious, but still has some depth to it. Just like in the most recent NHL games, you’re as likely to have a high-scoring goal-fest as you are to have a more defensively oriented game. The unfortunate thing is, if you’re tied at the end of the third period, you don’t go to a shootout; instead, you just play until someone scores the necessary goals to win. That’s a bit of a letdown, but it’s hardly a deal-breaker.
Control/Gameplay Score: Great

5. Replayability
What happens when you have a game that’s fun to play, but is so limited that you never actually want to fire it up? That’s the dilemma found in 3 on 3 NHL Arcade. The game itself is really enjoyable, the kind of game you’d play all the time with friends – if you could actually pick NHL teams and customize the game outside of length of play. It’s a shame EA Freestyle made a game that has substance to it, but has seemingly gone out of its way to keep gamers from enjoying it to the fullest. Then again, that’s a microcosm of the state of the NHL these days, so I guess it’s appropriate.
Replayability: Poor

6. Balance
There are levels of difficulty within 3 on 3 NHL Arcade, but the game remains the same – fire pucks on net, set up one-timers, and outscore your opponent. It’s as simple as that. The difficulty levels are nice, but there’s no real motivation to ever move up from the default level of Easy. That’s because you find yourself WANTING high-scoring games. This isn’t the game to implement the neutral-zone trap; instead, 3 on 3 NHL Arcade is meant for up-and-down action. Do you really want to ruin that by making your opposing goalie harder to beat? I doubt it. The difficulty levels would be a lot more useful with a real career mode, but that’s a moot point.
Balance: Mediocre

7. Originality
This is like the millionth ripoff of NBA Jam to grace consoles. It’s got bit heads and lots of scoring. Can you really consider this original? The power-ups are a pretty neat idea, but that’s about the only “new” thing included in 3 on 3 NHL Arcade.
Originality Score: Dreadful

8. Addictiveness
3 on 3 NHL Arcade is really, really fun for the first 15 minutes or so. Then, once you’ve played a few games, you find yourself sort of wondering what to do. You want to play another game, but you know it’s going to be the same deal as your last game. Again, the gameplay itself can be considered addictive, but the lack of modes found in 3 on 3 NHL Arcade are a total buzzkill and will ultimately drive gamers away from the game.
Addictiveness Score: Bad

9. Appeal Factor
It’s become en vogue among sports fans, particularly the sports fans EA target, to bash hockey and pretend nobody cares about the NHL. However, the NHL games are consistently among EA’s best sellers, with the most recent NHL games running away with Best Sports Game awards. So this game has plenty of appeal. The problem is, it’s buried in the X-Box Live Arcade, meaning people who don’t go online won’t even know it exists. That’s not good.

3 on 3 NHL Arcade will definitely fit a niche, but it has no chance to match the NBA Street series simply because it lacks the exposure. Then again, you almost get the impression 3 on 3 NHL Arcade is merely a test run to see if this kind of game will work, just so EA can make a better version next year that will cost more money. That version of the game might have more appeal, but the appeal of 3 on 3 NHL Arcade is a bit limited.
Appeal Factor Score: Poor

10. Miscellaneous
As you play 3 on 3 NHL Arcade, you get the impression that it’s a work in progress. It’s good for what it is, sure, but there are SO many little things that could have made the game a million times better. While we all know EA loves to leave little things out in order to get more money the following year, this is the first game in what could become a decent series, and it’s a shame to see such a limited product released. It’s polished, but it’s not complete. That’s why it’s only $10, but it’s just a tad underwhelming.
Miscellaneous Score: Bad

The Scores
Story/Modes: Worthless
Graphics: Good
Sound: Poor
Control/Gameplay: Great
Replayability: Poor
Balance: Mediocre
Originality: Dreadful
Addictiveness: Bad
Appeal Factor: Poor
Miscellaneous: Bad
Final Score: Poor Game

Short Attention Span Summary
3 on 3 NHL Arcade is exactly what you’d think it’d be – an arcade-style hockey game full of offense and ridiculous moves. The gameplay is surprisingly solid and appeals to sim and arcade players alike, but that’s about it. Gameplay is only as good as the modes a game offers, and this game features very few ways to enjoy playing. There’s a lot of potential for future versions of 3 on 3 NHL Arcade, but the initial offering leaves a lot to be desired.
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If you’re looking for deep gameplay modes, turn away from Bigfoot Collision Course. All you get is a time trial mode and a “career” mode. Career mode is the main mode of the game; by plowing your way through career mode, you’ll be able to unlock other trucks and courses. When you first play the game, you’ll only be able to access the amateur circuit, but once you beat all the amateur tracks, you’ll be able to move up to the pro circuit. If you manage to beat all the pro tracks, you end up one-on-one with a car named “Big Wheels” in a track known as Construction. If you manage to beat THAT track, you’re pretty much done with the game.

That’s all you get. No multi-player mode, no extra stuff.

Story/Modes Score: Bad

2. Graphics
Bigfoot Collision Course isn’t a graphical masterpiece. It’s not expected to be. The top screen is where all the action happens, and it’s not bad. Trees look like trees, you can easily see obstacles in your way, and you can spot other trucks in the distance. None of these things are done in great detail or anything, and the animation is lacking a bit, but overall, it’s not too bad. Unfortunately, the bottom screen is a complete waste. The giant Bigfoot logo is the focal point of the bottom screen, with a really ugly Powerpoint-esque background adding to the cheesiness. There’s a blimp view of the action so you can at least see where you are, but it’s only a small part of a bottom screen that easily could have hosted additional information. That’s a minor gripe, though. The important thing is that you can race without having to wonder what’s ahead of you.

Graphics Score: Mediocre

3. Sound
Calling the music in Bigfoot Collision Course “good” wouldn’t exactly be fair. In no way is the music anything groundbreaking, but it gets the job done. Most of the tracks get you in the mood to race and don’t get in the way. As far as sound effects… um… there really aren’t any. If you count the “vroom” of your vehicle as a sound effect, there you go. Aside from that, there are only a couple of sound effects for running over objects. All in all, there’s nothing offensive here, which is a good thing.

Sound Score: Mediocre

4. Control/Gameplay
Here’s where things go awry with Bigfoot Collision Course. For all the talk about car-crushing action, there really isn’t much that separates Bigfoot Collision Course from every other racing game you’ve ever played. The name of the game is NOT running over the other trucks on the way to victory, nor is it bullying the other vehicles as you pass them. Instead, the big goal in Bigfoot Collision Course is to take the right angles to get ahead of the other cars. Why? Because the trucks are so big, they’re almost impossible to pass. Now, the whole business of having to time your passing would be great in any other racing game, and it’s actually a welcome challenge, but in Bigfoot Collision Course? It sort of defeats the purpose. You’re supposed to be able to bowl over people, right? Well, you can’t. In fact, half the time, you end up helping the guy in front of you because as you’re trying to pass him, you just bump him a bunch of times. It’s quite annoying.

There are no real power-ups to speak of in Bigfoot Collision Course. You have a meter on the bottom of the screen that gets built up as you run over boxes, small cars, or any other obstacles in your way. Once that meter fills up, you can get a speed burst. This is helpful for making up time, but it’s not essential. The truth is, most of the tracks have areas where you can almost always pick up a few seconds. So while you might not NEED a speed burst, it doesn’t hurt to have the option.

In the end, Bigfoot Collision Course is the kind of game where, in any given race, you’ll win by 30 seconds or finish dead last. This is because if you even so much as hit a wall, you’re pretty much screwed. As you might imagine, monster trucks don’t exactly handle well, even in the amateur circuit where you’re going 40 MPH. So if you hit a wall, your only real option is to go in reverse and try to turn around it again, only this time, you’re seeing all your opponents pass you by. In essence, your best bet is to get an early lead and not do anything stupid to relinquish it. It sounds like common sense, but since opponents can’t easily pass you, it makes a lot of sense. Unfortunately, the same things that make the game so maddening are the tricks that help you win. At least Bigfoot Collision Course isn’t like Mario Kart, where no lead is ever safe.

Control/Gameplay Score: Poor

5. Replayability
Bigfoot Collision Course is one of those games that’s annoyingly replayable. What I mean by that is, you just want to unlock everything so you can be done with it. Once you’re done beating all the courses and unlocking all the trucks, there’s absolutely nothing left to do. There’s no reward for beating the game with a weaker truck, nor does the game keep any more detailed records than your best times and whether or not you’ve beaten the tracks. Bigfoot Collision Course would benefit greatly from a multi-player mode or even a point-driven series of courses like in Mario Kart, but these options are not available.

Replayability Score: Bad

6. Balance
Even at $20, Bigfoot Collision Course seems overpriced. It’s not a particularly good game, and it certainly isn’t a deep game. It’s not hard at all once you get the hang of it. It probably took me about two hours at the absolute maximum to unlock everything and beat all the tracks. So, $20 for two hours? Not too good of a deal. That said, the game gets a lot more tolerable once you advance into the pro circuit. It’s closer to the game Bigfoot Collision Course should have been, but isn’t.

Balance Score: Bad

7. Originality
On paper, you might think a game with Bigfoot in it could be pretty original. Unfortunately, Bigfoot Collision Course is pretty much like every other racing game out there, only with the gimmick of monster trucks instead of sports cars. The nature of having to intelligently plan your passing of other cars is nice, but not for a game that’s supposed to be based on the idea of crushing other cars.

Originality Score: Poor

8. Addictiveness
There’s not exactly a lot about Bigfoot Collision Course that leaves you wanting more. Part of that has to do with the limited gameplay modes, part of it is because the game tends to be a bit cheap, and part of it is because the game just isn’t that good. The relatively simple nature of the game and small level of courses will keep you playing for a bit, but it’s only to unlock everything, and once that’s done, you’re done with the game. You’re not going to go back to random courses and try to beat your best time, because there’s no real point in doing so. It’s a game to beat and never touch again, which is hardly what could pass for addictive.

Addictiveness Score: Dreadful

9. Appeal Factor
The name Bigfoot, while known, isn’t the kind of brand that can carry a line of video games. This game would probably appeal most to kids who are eager to play a game headlined by a well-known monster truck. Teenagers and adults, on the other hand, won’t be convinced by the use of a license to try to move such a mediocre game. Make no mistake, the Bigfoot license will help Bigfoot Collision Course sell more units than it would otherwise, but it’s hardly a deal-breaker for most people of discerning taste.

Appeal Factor Score: Mediocre

10. Miscellaneous
The little things do little to put Bigfoot Collision Course over the top. The game’s emphasis on winning races over simply doing well in them doesn’t do much to enhance one’s desire to play; in fact, all it does is train people to restart courses once they realize they aren’t going to win. There are a couple of nice trucks, but nothing too outstanding and none of the typical well-rounded trucks people often use to learn the nuances of racing games. In addition, it’s a game that only becomes easier the more you play it; not only do you go through each course twice, but better trucks are available to you, making the courses easier the second time around. It’s the rare game with a reverse difficulty curve, which is pretty astounding.

Miscellaneous Score: Bad

Short Attention Span Summary
If you’re looking for a game that will enable you to crush the ever-loving crap out of your opponents, this isn’t the game for you. Instead, Bigfoot Collision Course plays like a turn-based racer that just happens to use monster trucks as its vehicles of choice. The game’s extremely shallow modes mean you won’t spend very long negotiating hairpin turns with humongous vehicles.
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1. Story/Modes
One thing you can always be sure of – if you’re playing a game like M&Ms Adventure, it’s going to have a totally ridiculous story. How else are you going to get all these wacky characters into a game-type setting? M&Ms Adventure more than succeeds in this area. Basically, the M&Ms are trying to finish up so they can go home for Christmas break when some machine breaks, scattering 120 M&Ms around the factory. Your job, obviously, is to recover the lost M&Ms, restore order to the world, and go home for Christmas dinner. Even more obvious is that this task is made more difficult thanks to the enemies you encounter along the way. The game is broken up into six different “sectors”, each with a different holiday theme. This actually makes sense because there are M&Ms for holidays like Valentine’s Day, Easter, and Christmas. What doesn’t make sense, though, is that each of these sectors has a boss at the end. Because, you know, it’s completely plausible that the Easter Bunny would want to assault you, a humble M&M, just because you went into his sector.

The way M&Ms Adventure moves along is a bit annoying. You control a team of three M&Ms, each of whom has different strengths, and two of which have to be unlocked before they can be used. Rotating between the three M&Ms, you’ll end up playing through the same levels three different times, as there are certain doors that can only be accessed by certain M&Ms. These doors are where the missing M&Ms are hidden, and they’re usually near the ends of levels, so you’re stuck seeing the same things and making the same jumps three times. Given that these levels aren’t all that impressive the first time around, odds are good you’ll tire of the familiar surroundings fairly quickly.

There are no modes to speak of aside from plowing through the levels, which sounds about right. Getting the M&Ms to star in a video game with a semi-coherent plot was hard enough. What else could these candies possibly do?

2. Graphics
M&Ms Adventure is played entirely from a 3D perspective, which brings about one of the game’s biggest problems – the 3D interface doesn’t work well at all. The camera often requires manual adjustment (done with the L and R buttons), and it’s often hard to see where your player is in relation to the other platforms you’ll have to jump to. This is largely because the dual-screen capabilities of the DS are barely used. During gameplay, the top screen serves only to provide game information such as lives remaining, your score, and your life meter. The bottom screen is where all the action takes place, and even in a relatively simple game like M&Ms Adventure, that’s a lot of content to cram into one little screen. It’s no wonder it’s hard to tell where to go, if any obstacles are in your way, or any of the things you should know if you’re to enjoy a game. It also doesn’t help that there are different types of boxes you can open, including boxes that can harm your character, and you can’t even tell the boxes apart because the display is so limited. Needless to say, the character models aren’t exactly the most detailed, so much so that if you’re hit, you likely won’t even know what type of enemy hit you – if, that is, you can even see said enemy.

3. Sound
It’s hard to imagine what a game about M&Ms would sound like, but whatever your notion of what the sound in M&Ms Adventure might be, the end result is far worse. The background music is exactly that – barely audible bits and bleeps that do nothing to add to the game. Half the time, you’re wondering if there’s even music playing, while the rest of the time, you’re wondering who “composed” this God-awful soundtrack. It certainly doesn’t do much to encourage you to keep playing the game. As for sound effects, they might be even worse than the music. There are maybe three sound effects in the entire game, none of which actually resemble the sounds they’re supposed to. There are sounds for your characters’ jumps, the breaking of boxes, reaching save points, your character being hit… and that pretty much covers it. Clearly, more effort could have been put into the overall sound of this game. Not that the DS is an audio powerhouse or anything, but still.

4. Control/Gameplay
By now, you might be connecting all of the dots in this review. Quest for 120 M&Ms… 3D graphics… platform jumping… hey, this game sounds like a scaled-down, crappier version of Super Mario 64! And, of course, you wouldn’t be far off by thinking that, because that’s exactly how this game plays. Aside from the aforementioned camera angle issues, let’s throw in that only one of the M&Ms actually has an attack for his opponents. This means that to beat bosses, you have to do stupid things like hit a bunch of switches in the boss’s lair. So basically, all you end up doing is running around, capturing M&Ms, avoiding enemies, and finding roundabout ways to beat bosses. Oh, and just to further the Mario 64 ties a little bit, you can also collect coins throughout the game that add to your score, and you’ll NEVER guess what 100 coins gets you.

As far as DS functionality goes… there isn’t any, unless you count the ability to point your stylus at the main menu and select an option as relevant use of the DS touch screen. In-game, the touch screen is essentially useless. I understand why information such as your life bar couldn’t be crammed into a small screen, which is already way too small as is, but it seems a waste to have the touch screen relegated to nothingness while a giant M&Ms logo stares at you from the top. But then again, this game is supposed to serve as an advertisement for M&Ms, so I could be wrong here.

5. Replayability
Replayability is something that’s built into M&Ms Adventure – but not in a good way. Since you end up essentially playing through it three times to collect all the coins, you’ll probably never want to be left defenseless by a flying buzzing thing or chased by a giant chocolate ball again. Not that the first time through each level is anything to write home about, either. But M&Ms Adventure makes a habit out of shoving not-so-great experiences down your throat multiple times, which makes for a rather grating gameplay experience. Plus, the whole “search for 120 M&Ms” thing isn’t all that fun the first time around.

6. Balance
This is a good time to point out that M&Ms Adventure is intended for young gamers – tweeners are probably the oldest people that would ever purchase this game – so it’s not really fair to call the game out for being overly easy. It’s a simple game that wants you to win, so much so that it provides arrows to direct you where to go in each level. That said, it’s sort of annoyingly challenging, mainly because of the limitations of the medium and the software. It’s hard to jump from platform to platform when your camera angle is a mess and you can barely see the platform you’re shooting for. Plus, if you do manage to lose all your lives – something that’s easier said than done – you’ll have to start from the beginning of the sector, not even where you saved last. So the game does have its challenges and tough points, but overall the game is easy by design.

7. Originality
OK, this is a game with licensed characters and blatantly rips off Mario 64. How original is it? Well, actually, I’ve seen worse. I figured they’d go the safe route and make some kind of M&Ms puzzle game. Instead, M&Ms Adventure is a risk of sorts – it’s a game that isn’t what we’d all expect, and that by itself deserves a little bit of credit. That the game isn’t all that great shouldn’t take away from the fact that such a game was even conceived; after all, you don’t see Lays potato chips or the Geico cavemen running through video games too often.

8. Addictiveness
Any desire you may have to come back to M&Ms Adventure for repeated playings will dissipate shortly after you reboot the game and discover some flaws you might not have noticed the first time around. For example, the excessive load times for each level, which are in upwards of fifteen seconds EACH. Can you imagine? This would be unacceptable on PS1 or Sega CD, let alone the cartridge-based Nintendo DS. Also, as stated earlier, unless you REALLY want to nab all 120 M&Ms, there’s not much reason to keep running back to this game.

9. Appeal Factor
For little kids out there who love candy and are really into cartoons and like seeing the M&Ms do their thing on TV and on the Internet, this game provides a neat little immersion into the world of M&Ms. Kids will find it challenging enough to occupy their time, and they might even enjoy it. It might not do much for adults or jaded teenagers, but they’re not the intended targets for this game anyway. In other words, if you buy this game for your kids, don’t let them know it isn’t really that good.

10. Miscellaneous
M&Ms Adventure is bare-bones in just about every way, from the barely-visible graphics to the horrid sound to just about everything else. But what really is maddening is the lack of multiple game saves. This is an easy one that must have been some sort of oversight. Surely, the creators of games must know that kids share games and don’t like to be playing on each other’s saved games, never mind the fact that it’s pointless to go back to prior levels once you’ve already taken all the M&Ms. It’s just another example of how this game, starting out as a pretty cool idea of throwing M&Ms into an actual level-based game, ended up being yet another cheap licensed game. I probably shouldn’t be surprised, but anyone who shells out $19.99 for this game deserves better than what they’ll get.

The Scores
Story/Modes: Dreadful
Graphics: Worthless
Sound: Worthless
Control/Gameplay: Dreadful
Replayability: Worthless
Balance: Poor
Originality: Poor
Addictiveness: Worthless
Appeal: Above Average
Miscellaneous: Worthless
Final Score: Very Bad Game

Short Attention Span Summary
M&Ms Adventure is exactly what its name indicates – an adventure starring M&Ms. However, that’s where the fun ends, as the game itself plays like a second-rate knockoff of the many better 3D platformers out there. Kids might have some fun with M&Ms Adventure, but the vast majority of us won’t.
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When I was in high school, the SAT was the focal point of my life, as it was for pretty much everybody I knew. At the time, I thought it was the most important test I’d ever take. That’s how it’s presented to high school students – if you bomb the SAT, your life is over. Turns out it’s not such a dire situation. In fact, I can’t even recall a single instance where my score even mattered. All that worry, and for absolutely nothing.

Having said all that, My SAT Coach is the kind of game I’d have killed for in high school. It’s a game for the person who wants to improve their score, but doesn’t want to be stuck going through some boring book or shelling out hundreds (thousands?) for a big-name prep school. In fact, it’s such a good tool that My SAT Coach is endorsed by none other than The Princeton Review.

Let’s be clear about one thing – My SAT Coach is not a graphical masterpiece, nor is it a groundbreaking game in terms of sound. It’s not supposed to be. A lot of the My Coach series take on a more lighthearted approach. This game is not one of them. My SAT Coach is a bit more serious-minded than the other games in this series, which is appropriate due to the subject matter. If a student feels his or her future is riding on the SAT, he or she isn’t likely to want jokes and stupid animations at every turn. Instead, My SAT Coach keeps things pretty simple and encouraging without descending into cheesiness.

Most of us know that the SAT is broken out into different segments. Many of us geezers remember these segments as Math and Verbal. Not anymore. These days, the test is actually called the “SAT Reasoning Test” and there are now three segments: Critical Reading, Math, and Writing. Critical Reading takes the place of the old Verbal section, while Writing, added in 2005, consists of a combination of multiple choice questions and an essay. Obviously, an essay isn’t exactly feasible in a video game, so My SAT Coach consists entirely of multiple choice and true-false questions.

My SAT Coach has a variety of modes which meet just about every skill set, desired area of improvement, and level of time commitment. For those who want to just dive in, a full SAT exam is offered. As the exam is nearly four hours long,save points are available and needed. The middle tier of involvement contains a series of ten sample SAT questions. The questions are divided into the three main SAT segments, but with sub-divisions so that students can specify the areas they want to focus on. The Writing section features questions regarding sentence errors, improving sentences, and improving paragraphs. For Math, the questions deal mainly with arithmetic, basic algebra, and geometry. Critical Reading sub-divisions include sentence completion and passage-based questions. These three sections are the core of the game and are probably the sections most desirable to students, as they feature real SAT questions and don’t take too much time. The game grades on questions answered correctly as well as the time it takes to answer them. The final area of My SAT Coach is a group of mini-games geared toward quick thinking. These games help teach little things such as random words while giving students the confidence to go with their first answer.

My SAT Coach would be a failure if the game focused strictly on academics. Thankfully, that’s not the case. My SAT Coach is just as much about the actual SAT itself as it is about the knowledge one needs to take the test. The game is full of information about the methodology used to create the test, common mistakes students make, easy ways to answer questions quickly, and much more. In fact, one of the mini-games is dedicated solely to the process of elimination, an important tool one can use on the SAT if he or she is stuck. My SAT Coach goes into depth when giving back the answers to questions, showing why each of the wrong answers is wrong and even why those specific options appear. Usually, it’s to trick the student. My SAT Coach picks up on a lot of these tricks and does its best to help students to not let the test beat them.

As you could probably imagine, a standardized test doesn’t perfectly translate to the Nintendo DS. There are some problems with longer and more complex questions. Questions about reading passages are particularly difficult. Not only does the passage take up the entire top screen, but each of the answers are so long that you have to actually click on each choice just to read them. By the time you’re up to D or E, you’ve forgotten what A was. This happens on sentence completions as well, but it’s not as big of a hassle. Probably the toughest problems in My SAT Coach are the math problems, especially anything that asks you to refer to a graph. Much like the reading passages, graphs take up the top screen, meaning that once you figure out the graph, you’ve forgotten what the question is asking you. Then, once you get the question down, you have to go back to that graph while trying to keep that question memorized and… it’s a mess. It’s also tough to figure out algebra equations or anything that requires scrap paper, as the writing space the game provides takes up the space of the answers. Same for the calculator and formula sheet. To be honest, they probably couldn’t have laid these options out any better than they did, but they’re still clumsy and make the test-taking harder than it has to be.

In the end, though, the shortcomings of My SAT Coach are overshadowed by the fact that such a game exists. It’s a Nintendo DS game that lets you work on your SAT preparation! It’s hard to beat that. You’ll have a little fun and actually learn something. What a concept!

The Scores
Story/Modes: Above Average
Graphics: Mediocre
Sound: Mediocre
Control/Gameplay: Mediocre
Replayability: Above Average
Balance: Above Average
Originality: Good
Addictiveness: Above Average
Appeal Factor: Above Average
Miscellaneous: Mediocre
FINAL SCORE: ABOVE AVERAGE GAME

Short Attention Span Summary
Who ever thought one could prepare for a huge standardized test on their Nintendo DS? My SAT Coach provides such an opportunity. It isn’t perfect, but it’s a quick and easy way to get students into preparing for the SAT without much effort on their part. It’s not going to replace Kaplan courses or anything, but it’s not supposed to. My SAT Coach is a fun alternative to dry review books, injecting interactivity to the many lonely hours of studying for the SAT.
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There’s only one word I can think of that describes Mechanic Master. And that word would be “throwback”.

With no story to speak of and no bells and whistles, Mechanic Master is reminiscent of the games we grew up playing. There was no real reason to play them except that they were fun, enjoyable, and kept our attention. In a nutshell, that’s the essence of what Mechanic Master brings to the table. It simply is what is and doesn’t apologize for it.

Basically, Mechanic Master is like those old Rube Goldberg inventions – or, for those of you who never left your PCs at a young age, the Incredible Machine series of games. You have to get from Point A from Point B, a task that’s made complicated because of a series of obstacles you’re presented with. In Mechanic Master, your job is to get rid of the aliens that appear on screen. Depending on which game mode you choose, this can be accomplished by moving objects, drawing portals, or just about anything you can imagine. Simple as that.

So, you ask, what’s the story of Mechanic Master? Surely, there must be a reason why you should get rid of all of these aliens. Are they taking over the world? Did they kidnap your girlfriend? Did they steal your homework? Thankfully, Mechanic Master did us all a tremendous favor and kept things simple. The story of Mechanic Master? There is no story! And that’s how it should be. The developers didn’t bother to create some elaborate story when there was no need for one. They knew what every gamer knows – the star of any puzzle game has to be gameplay.

And about that gameplay… it’s good. Real good. Mechanic Master features what has to be the best, most responsive use of the touch screen I’ve encountered. When you drag objects to the edge of the screen, the screen moves with your motion, just like it’s supposed to. You don’t have to tap the screen ten times to get the game to respond; instead, the game works with you. Imagine that! And since the entire game is based on the touch screen, it’s a good thing it works so well, otherwise we’d be in serious trouble.

There are three different modes in Mechanic Master. The first mode is the mode you’ll probably spend most of your time on; it’s called Puzzle Mode. In Puzzle Mode, you’re presented with a number of aliens (or trapped humans), a series of platforms and items which you can’t move, and a number of items you can use and manipulate in order to solve the puzzle. Sometimes, the solution is as simple as providing something for a tennis ball to bounce off so it can hit the alien. Other puzzles, though, are much more complicated. As the game progresses, the puzzles not only become harder, but much more involved; these later puzzles require a seemingly endless list of things to go right in order to move on. And while you’ll breeze through the early ones, the ease of the beginning puzzles only serves to make the later ones that much more frustrating. That’s the time when you’ll either appreciate Mechanic Master’s difficulty or totally burn out on the game. There are no bonus points for finishing early, no penalties for taking forever or for trying too many different solutions, so the game wants you to catch up with it. It’s just a question of whether or not you’re willing to do so. The key to getting through Puzzle Mode? Remembering that everything – from the items you’re given to the most subtle nuance of the level – must be used in order to solve the puzzle.

The other modes of Mechanic Master, unfortunately, aren’t as appealing. There’s Drawing Mode, in which you draw paths for items to travel through so that they’ll kill the aliens on screen. You can also draw circular portals which can be moved around; one sucks the object in, while the other spits it out. This isn’t a bad way to kill time, but it lacks the challenge and appeal of Puzzle Mode; all you really end up doing in Drawing Mode is identifying the falling object and drawing the necessary path or portal that ensures the falling object will hit the alien. There’s also a Create-A-Level Mode, which is too much of a hassle to really get into. Not only do you have to create a series of platforms, gadgets, and enemies, but you have to make sure all of these work together in order for a successful resolution to the puzzle. This is much tougher than it sounds, especially because the interface is pretty clumsy. The cool thing about Create-A-Level mode is that you can send and receive your creations through Nintendo DS WiFi. Odds are good this sort of thing will only appeal to you if you’ve beaten all of the other game modes and are that bored with Mechanic Master that you need a new challenge. That takes quite a bit of gameplay.

Fortunately, you shouldn’t need too many created levels, because Mechanic Master provides a pretty good deal of replay value. Sure, there are some puzzles that will have you ready to launch your DS into a brick wall, but many of them are of a reasonable difficulty level. The game does a good job of easing you into the tougher ones, and you have the option to skip past the ones that are really giving you problems. You’ll probably need to do this every now and again, only to find that when you come back to that puzzle, the solution wasn’t so hard after all.

Now, remember how I said the game was a throwback? That’s certainly true in terms of the game’s presentation. Mechanic Master is far from a graphical masterpiece, which is fine; it’s not supposed to be a beautiful game visually. The graphics would be pretty good on Game Boy Advance and are lagging behind the DS standards, but there’s a little bit of charm to the cheesy animations and lo-fi graphics. It helps to add to the old-school feel of the game. And if the graphics don’t do the trick, the sound certainly does. I don’t think there’s a game released this year that has such an atrociously cheesy soundtrack, but the thing of it is that the soundtrack works. It’s so corny that it actually adds to the experience. And trust me, the tunes in this game will be replayed in your head for days and days. Remember those old games that had like three songs, each of them pretty terrible, but they grew on you so much that you actually enjoyed them? This is one of those games.

Mechanic Master is a lot of things, but the overall user-friendliness of the game is a mixed bag. While the actual gameplay in Puzzle Mode is incredible intuitive, the same cannot be said for Drawing Mode and Create-A-Level Mode, both of which have issues that get in the way of the enjoyment of each mode. Worse than these issues, though is the main menu, which doesn’t even come close to making any sense. It consists of a series of planets and apparati, each of which bring you to a different mode or series or levels. Of course, Mechanic Master doesn’t bother to tell you what each of these items mean, so starting a game can become a nightmare. The only way to figure out what you’re doing is trial-and-error, not exactly the kind of first impression you want to make to a new gamer. Thankfully, once you get started, the game helps you through hints, which can be turned off if you’d like. The hints aren’t over-the-top or subtle; instead, they provide just enough information to let you figure things out on your own. This is how hints should be, and Mechanic Master nails it.

The Scores
Story/Modes: Above Average
Graphics: Above Average
Sound: Good
Control/Gameplay: Good
Replayability: Good
Balance: Great
Originality: Bad
Addictiveness: Above Average
Appeal Factor: Poor
Miscellaneous: Mediocre
FINAL SCORE: ABOVE AVERAGE GAME

Short Attention Span Summary
Mechanic Master is a refreshing change from many modern games, which feel the need to explain everything with an elaborate story or provide souped-up graphics for no reason. Mechanic Master is simply a fun game that provides those interested with a great challenge and virtually endless gameplay possibilities. The game’s challenge and charming quirks are enough to put this game over the top, and there’s enough replay value to ensure that Mechanic Master is worth the purchase.
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Space Harrier
Developer: Sega
Publisher: Sega
System: Sega Master System
Original Release Date: 1986
Price: 500 Wii Points

Charlie Marsh: Well, it’s not the best shooter out there, but its bizarre surreality gives it a special kind of charm. In what other shooters can you fight both huge dragons and cycloptic mammoths? I’m gonna say, none. The arcade action is fun enough the first few times, but I don’t think the fun will last. I’m saving my money on this one.

Christopher Bowen: In the 80s, Space Harrier blew me away. Look at the graphics! They’re coming right for me! Move to the ri–OH SHIT THE CHAIR MOVED WITH ME!? THIS GAME IS FUCKING AWESOME!!! And then I’d get dragged out of the arcade by my hair for swearing. Meeeeeeeeeeeemoriiiiiiiiiiiiiies~

Of course, twenty-three years later, Space Harrier isn’t as impressive as it was back when I was a wee lad, playing it in a pizza parlour (remember when they actually had the newest arcade games, instead of those stupid touch-screen pieces of junk like the one my father has?). It’s what we now know as a “rail shooter” with a steep difficulty curve, and though the arcade version isn’t as good as other games I could compare it to such as After Burner, or even Lucky & Wild, the move to the Master System, though impressive for it’s time, doesn’t pass the smell test nowadays.

If you’re a fan, it’s something to consider at $5, though I have a local arcade around here that still has an old Space Harrier unit, sit-down style, in working condition. I’ll personally stick to that if I ever get the hankering to play Space Harrier again.

Alex Lucard: I love Space Harrier. I have the second one already on the Wii and it was the only really enjoyable section of Sega Superstars Tennis. I find Space Harrier II to have aged decently thanks to the unique controls and awesome level design. I’ve always found the second game to be better then the first, and it’s only a few dollars more, so I’d suggest sticking to that.

If you do choose to pick it up, you’ll be playing one of the very first rail shooters of all time, which the old Sega was a master of designing with titles like Panzer Dragoon and House of the Dead. It’s certainly a game worth playing, but considering Europe got Castlevania III, I’m a bit put out by our selection this week.

Nathan Birch: Space Harrier – I was going to rant about Sega again releasing the lousy Master System version of a game when a Genesis version was available, but after checking it seems the original Space Harrier was ported to every system under the sun except the Genesis. I distinctly remember playing this game on the Genesis, but I suppose that must have been the 32X version, and since I doubt we’ll be seeing that, I guess this is probably your best bet you’ll have for playing the game on the VC.

Not that you’d really want to; Space Harrier was a good concept, but ahead of it’s time, with technology of the day not being up to the task. A rail shooter without 3D graphics simply doesn’t work very well.

Aileen Coe: If you played Space Harrier II first, this will feel like a bit of a letdown. Even so, if you liked Space Harrier II and/or want to add another rail shooter to your collection, this isn’t a bad deal. That being said, this game have been ported to a myriad of consoles, so you do have other options if you still want to check this out but also save your Wii Points. If you do pick this up in some form, be prepared to die a lot and have liberal amounts of “Hey what, where’d that shot/tree/pillar/whathaveyou come from?” moments (possibly accompanied with much fist shaking).

For many years now, there has been a debate as to what actually constitutes a “video game.” Does it have to be a game that’s played on a console? Does it have to be something with real graphics and music? Or can a random Flash game or even an Orbitz ad be considered a “video game?” Most would argue that the word games that are available on sites like Yahoo! aren’t really video games. Maybe those people are right. After all, we’ve never seen them on a console or anything.

Until now.

Margot’s Word Brain is an attempt to bring the mindless joy of word games to the Nintendo DS. The game is actually a collection of six popular word games that have been given the DS treatment (Two screens and lots of touch screen usage). While this might sound pretty cool, this is also probably the first time you’ve ever been asked to pay for games like these. So, then, is Margot’s Word Brain worth the money?

In a word, no.

Let me say that this game wasn’t an awful idea. Let’s face it, we all love playing these stupid word games. Find a word out of a bunch of letters? Sign me up! Do a crossword puzzle with only a mouse? Sure! But somewhere on the journey between your PC and your DS, something pretty crucial got lost. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re actually playing a game instead of screwing around online. Maybe it’s because you’re stuck paying for something you once got for free. Maybe. But the truth is, these games don’t translate well to the DS. It’s nobody’s fault; that’s just the way it is.

Margot’s Word Brain features seven different game modes. The first, Word Brain, is a battery of each of the other six game modes. You just play the six mini-games one after another and end up with a score at the end of it. But you also have the option to play the other six games individually. What are those games, you ask? Here we go…

– Word Link: In this game, your goal is to find words out of a bunch of letters. When you find a word, the letters that formed the word disappear, with new letters appearing in their place. This game is way too short to really get into; the online versions you’ve played of this game give you much more time. And unlike the online games, you’re just competing against yourself to find as many random words as possible, so there’s no reward for “winning”, or even motivation to find as many words as possible.

– Word Mine: You are given a group of six letters. From this group, you must form as many words as possible in the alloted time. The game tells you how many words can be formed from the letters and breaks it down by the number of letters. However, the game doesn’t keep a tally for you or even sort the words you’ve found out by the number of letters, meaning you have to keep track of what you’ve already found in addition to finding more words.

– Hyper Txt: Remember the days before QWERTY keypads and predictive text? Well, your ability to text organically is put to the test in this one. The game gives you a word, and you have to type it out on a numeric kepyad. It’s as simple as that. As you progress, the words become longer and disappear quicker, forcing you to remember the word’s spelling as you type it out. This is one of those games that sounds like it should be fun, but is ultimately sort of annoying. Why would you want to text random words in a game when you can text random words to your friends and drive them crazy?

– Word Run: Of all the games on this cartridge, Word Run is probably the most fun. This game plays almost like a fast-paced game of Scrabble. Your opponent, Margot, starts out with a six-letter word and you have to find a word that fits in with the word she wrote. Then it’s her turn to do the same. When you stump her, you get extra points. This all sounds better than it plays, though. You have to think of a word, then mark its starting and ending points, then enter the word, and you’d better hope it’s not spelled wrong or else you’ve got to start all over again. Obviously, all of this takes time, something you don’t have a lot of.

– Word Safe: The opposite of Word Run in terms of quality, Word Safe is the most inane game found in Margot’s Word Brain. Basically, it’s like Word Link in that you have to find words out of a collection of letters, only there’s a little twist. In Word Safe, there are two circles of letters that surround one solitary letter, and you have the ability to spin the circles around to get the letters to match up the way you want. This is one of those games that will drive you crazy because the touch sensitivity is totally out of whack; half the time, spinning the circles doesn’t work and you just end up selecting letters you don’t want. It’s not a bad idea for a game, but it’s executed horribly.

– Word Search: If you’re one of those people who feasts on those easy word puzzle games you find at supermarkets, this is the game for you. You’re given a set of three six-letter words, and your goal is to find them in a word search as quickly as possible. Instead of circling the word, you just touch the first and last letter of the word. Easy, right? Wrong. You have twenty seconds to find these three words, which is not nearly as much time as it seems like. Worse, once you start the game, the list of words disappears and you can’t access it again. This is a game that should have been a million times better, but ultimately isn’t.

A mixed bag, to say the least.

But here’s the thing about Margot’s Word Brain. Even if all these mini-games were totally awesome, the actual game itself wouldn’t be fun to play. Most of these games are extremely short and limited. Not only are your confined to a six-by-six letterboard, but the individual games are over before you even get a chance to really get into them. It’s no fun having to start over again just when you’re starting to get the hang of what you’re doing. In addition, correcting mistakes is very problematic; you either end up accidentally resetting your entire board or just not getting the stylus to register. So you have a game that pretty much restricts you from playing it to its potential. And since there are literally zero options in terms of difficulty, time length, or anything else, there’s only so much you can do with this game. But this isn’t even the game’s biggest problem.

Instead, this is the game’s biggest problem. The interface is just a total mess. Things are laid out in the least user-friendly manner possible. For example, you know how in most games, you create a user profile and that profile is what’s used to identify you throughout the game? Well, that doesn’t happen in Margot’s Word Brain. Instead, you have to enter your name every single time you end up with a high score. And since every other score on the list is zero, that’s a lot of entering your name. This sort of thing gets old rather quickly. Also, the game features tutorials, which is nice; however, once you start one, you can’t skip past it. And that’s not a good thing. Why? For one, you already know how to play pretty much all of these games. Secondly, each tutorial is accompanied by a long spiel about the game, another thing that gets annoying rather quickly. Third, and worst of all, the screen scrolls the same exact text you’re hearing, only a lot slower. So that means you’re reading everything you’ve already heard, only it takes like five minutes to read what was just spoken in thirty seconds. It’s also worth noting that this text is full of grammar and punctuation errors, which is sort of ironic for a word game.

Margot’s Word Brain is nothing to write home about graphically. To be honest, it’d look bad even on the Game Boy Advance. But at least there’s nothing offensive. The sound, though, is particularly grating. The sound of the clock ticking EVERY SECOND while you’re playing the word games will tempt you to throw your DS against the wall. The game features exactly one song, with wonderful lyrics like, “Margot’s Word Brain!” and, “Game Over… YEAH!”… and that’s it. And let’s not forget about Margot herself, who really brings nothing to the table aside from saying things like, “Please wait while I save your game.” It’s her “word brain”, but the game could just as well have been hosted by a chimpanzee. Maybe that could have saved this one. But probably not.

The Scores
Story/Modes: Bad
Graphics: Dreadful
Sound: Worthless
Control/Gameplay: Dreadful
Replayability: Worthless
Balance: Bad
Originality: Worthless
Addictiveness: Worthless
Appeal Factor: Bad
Miscellaneous: Worthless
FINAL SCORE: Dreadful Game

Short Attention Span Summary
You might think it’d be pretty cool to have a collection of your favorite online word games on a handheld system. You’d be wrong. Margot’s Word Brain is not only devoid of enjoyable content, but makes the gameplaying experience absolutely excruciating. With a lot more polish, this might be a decent game. But as it is, without any sort of online leaderboards or anything, you’re just playing crummy word games against yourself. And that’s no fun at all.
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Quite a bit, apparently.

The first thing you’ll discover about Dropcast is that it literally plays nothing like any other DS game – or at least none that I’ve played. Instead of holding the DS in the traditional manner, you end up turning it on its side. The two screens line up almost like a book instead of being stacked on top of each other. There’s a reason for this. You will never play a game of Dropcast that doesn’t utilize both screens. One of the things that bothers me about your average DS game is that it feels like a decent portion of the double-screen and touch-screen content is forced and contrived. Not so in Dropcast.

The other thing you’ll notice right away is the story. Since it is impossible to paraphrase this – you’ll soon see why – I’ll just quote from the manual…

“Despite being a rather interesting person, much to (Ingrid’s) displeasure, friends don’t stick around for very long. This could be because of the odd way she draws similarities between ‘friends’ and ‘lab rats’. She is, of course, very pleased to have them around. Sadly if they don’t flee of their own free will, they end up disappearing anyway… If only she had friends that were more like her, friends that could tolerate the occasional disaster. So, once upon a night, she finally decides to do something about it. A crash of thunder, the cackling of electricity, a drop of the arcane and BOOM! She’s lonely no more. Say hello to Ingrid’s motley crew of soft toys.”

Okay, so the story makes pretty much no sense. And it pretty much does nothing besides serve as a bridge between the different matches you play. But it’s a hook, and it’s cutesy ridiculous enough that it draws you in. Now, the funny thing about this game is that while it’s got a rather morbid premise, it’s actually got quite a cutesy feel about it. The graphics and sounds have a definite cartoony feel to them something that adds to the overall ridiculousness of the game. It almost reminds you of a Cartoon Network TV show in that it’d appeal to kids who have no business watching it. For the record, the game is rated E, probably because even the smartest kid would have trouble wrapping his or her head around this unfathomable plot. In the end, you have something that’s so weird that it becomes oddly appealing.

Ultimately, all the cute graphics and weird stories in the world can’t save a game if it doesn’t play well. And this is one area where Dropcast excels. You might think that the single-player mode in a puzzle game would be a bore. Not in this game. You have to options from which to choose, and both are pretty much completely different.

The first is called Ingrid’s Curse, and it’s almost like two games in one. Controlling the touch screen on the right, your job is to match touch clusters of like colors. This is not unlike Columns, Dr. Mario, or any of the other puzzle games you’ve played. But there’s a twist here. As you eliminate pieces, they drop onto the left screen. How they drop depends on what the designated shape is at the time and where you touch the touch screen. Your goal is to form rows out of these eliminated pieces, a la Tetris. And just to drive the point home, many of the designated shapes are straight out of the classic puzzle game. Simultaneously, this is easier and harder than it sounds. You end up being able to control the left screen more than you might think possible, but it comes at the risk of screwing up your right screen. Your only real competition comes against yourself and your prior scores, which is kind of lame, but it’s a challenging way to kill some time.

The second single-player mode (though this can also be played multi-player) is the Battle Royale mode, and this is for all intents and purposes the “Story Mode” of Dropcast. In terms of the story, it literally is a battle royale amongst Ingrid’s stuffed animals, and your goal is to defeat all of the other animals. Practically speaking, though, it’s a chance to unlock all the characters and achievement landmarks in the game. It is also quite different from Ingrid’s Curse. Instead of juggling two screens, Battle Royale is a one-on-one game against the CPU or a buddy. And rather than launching bricks onto the other screen, you instead cast spells on your opponent. Each of the animals has their own tricks, but the philosophy is consistent throughout. The squares with the circles and arrows are attack spells, which either black out a number of your opponent’s pieces (making it impossible to clear them) or add blacked-out pieces to your opponent’s board. The squares with the dashes are counter spells, which are to be used when your opponent casts a spell on you. The counters don’t seem to always work as well as they should. Much of their success depends on how big a cluster of blocks you’re countering with; if your opponent is launching a bigger attack, you’re pretty much screwed. Just the same, your attacks never seem to be as powerful as your opponent’s and just when you think you’ve got your opponent licked, they come out of nowhere to completely annihilate you. And that’s one of the cool things about single-player Battle Royale – each of the animals has their own strategies. Some like to attack as often as they can, while others save up as many squares as possible to destroy you in one shot. Besting these opponents ends up giving you a great idea of how many different ways there are to play the game, not to mention making you a better player.

However, for all of the fun these modes will give you, there’s one glaring omission from Dropcast. That would be the option to change the difficulty level. See, Dropcast is a pretty f’ing hard game to play. And it’s difficult to learn all the nuances of the game if you’re playing a tough computer opponent or even against the clock in Ingrid’s Curse. The game comes equipped with tutorials, but it’s one thing to play in a controlled environment; it’s another to play in a fast-paced battle. Some of the computer opponents are pretty much impossible if you don’t know exactly what you’re doing, and the only way to learn exactly what you’re doing is to practice in a low-pressure setting. Dropcast doesn’t offer you that option. And in a game where the replay value is pretty high, the ability to tone down the difficulty would enhance the replay value that much more.

There are also very few options in the game, and that’s got a lot to do with the puzzle-based nature of the game. Aside from the two main modes, there’s pretty much nothing else. You can look at your records and your achievements, and you can also access your records and accomplishments, but that’s pretty much it. Sort of a letdown, but it’s hard to think of anything else they could have added to enhance the total package. They did include one crucial piece, though, with the option to flip the DS around and control the touch screen with your left hand. Now that would have been an awful oversight.

The Scores
Story/Modes: Good
Graphics: Good
Sound: Good
Control/Gameplay: Great
Replayability: Mediocre
Balance: Bad
Originality: Great
Addictiveness: Above Average
Appeal Factor: Above Average
Miscellaneous: Good
FINAL SCORE: ENJOYABLE GAME!

Short Attention Span Summary
Dropcast is sort of a bizarre game, but one that is nothing if not unique. It’s sort of a composite of every puzzle game you’ve ever played, but puts forth an original presentation. The end result is a game that’s familiar, yet new – and that’s about all you can ask from a puzzle game these days.
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The one thing about EA’s annual sports titles is that each year, they feel compelled to change something. Maybe it’s a subtle change; maybe it’s a big change. But they never leave things as they are. Look at Madden 06. They took a perfectly good game and ruined it by adding in a stupid passing cone. So as NHL 09 approached, gamers everywhere feared the worst. After all, NHL 08 was a superlative game; why would they want to mess with such an obvious winner? If you were worried to death about EA ruining last year’s game, you weren’t the only one.

You can also stop worrying.

Believe it or not, EA not only didn’t butcher the considerable gains they made with NHL 08 – they took what worked so well last year and made it better. While there are some new features this year, perhaps the best testament to NHL 09 is that the average game plays better than it did last year. And again, if you didn’t think that was possible, you weren’t the only one.

Let’s start with the big differences. The most notable inclusion in this year’s game would have to be the Be A Pro mode. This is similar to the Superstar mode we’ve seen in the Madden games over the past few years. The premise is simple – you control one player, and only that one player, for the duration of an entire career. You can pick a current pro and play as him if you’d like, or you can create your own player, cut your teeth in the minor leagues, and move up to the NHL when you’re ready. Whichever you choose, get ready for a pretty tough challenge.

As anyone who’s played the FIFA Be A Pro mode is painfully aware of, at least half of your work as a “pro” comes while you’re not in possession of the puck. Forget about making a great pass or taking a shot; your toughest job will be getting open enough to even get the puck. Arrows do their best to guide you to the best possible spot, but it’s up to you to get there. Do you go where the arrow says, or do you double-team the puck carrier? That’s all up to you. But make sure you know what you’re doing, or else you’ll hear it from your coach.

Your “coach” is, aside from the game score itself, your evaluator of sorts. If you do good things, he’ll say good things. If you screw up, he’ll get on your case. Sometimes, he’ll do both at the same time. For example, if you get into a fight, he might commend you for sparking your team, but simultaneously admonish you for taking a bad penalty. You’re also graded in three different categories: positional play, team play, and stats. Ultimately, your grade determines if you’re bumped up to a better line or, eventually, the NHL.

Be A Pro mode is extremely addictive, partially aided because the games go by so quick. But this is one of those features that you can play over and over again without getting bored. Sure, goals might be hard to come by – in one four-game stretch, my team had four games go to shootouts – but just like in real hockey, it just makes scoring goals that much more rewarding. And you can now preserve your accomplishments for all of time, thanks to the new instant replay editor. Not only can you save replays and photos, but you can upload them to X-Box Live and show off to your friends.

With Be A Pro mode getting so much positive publicity, you might be worried about the traditional Dynasty mode becoming obsolete. Not to worry. There’s still enough in Dynasty mode to keep you coming back, even if much of it is familiar. You don’t have to worry about team finances anymore, just building a winning team and staying within the salary cap. Pretty much everything is as it was last year, including the layout; the only real difference is that there’s no e-mail system anymore. Instead, alerts just show up when you’re done with a game. There’s nothing really special about Dynasty mode, just the chance to make the games you play more meaningful, which is good enough for most people.

So, how do all these games play, anyway?

Glad you asked. Remember how last year’s game seemed pretty much perfect? This year’s version is even better. When Bowen told me every issue with NHL 08 was fixed, I didn’t believe him at first. But he was right. Even the things you sort-of kind-of wished were better are vastly improved. No longer can you just march up the ice, colliding with guys but never losing the puck. Now, you have to actually move the puck around. Not in a “neutral zone trap” kind of way, but gaining center ice is not to be taken for granted. Also, that across-the-crease pass that always seemed to be there for you in NHL 08 is long gone. It’s been replaced by defenders who slide in the way of the pass or tie up your stick as you’re trying to shoot. There really are no sure-fire scoring tricks these days, though deflections seem to be EA’s preferred tool to score goals this time around.

One of the more notable changes in this year’s game is the fighting system. It’s something that’s impossible to get right in a video game; usually, fights devolve into button-mashing battles. Not so in NHL 09. This time around, we get to fight like the actual players do – grab onto the other guy’s jersey with the triggers and fire away with the face buttons. In all honesty, it sort of makes you miss the button-mashing, if only because that got your blood going and the whole point of a hockey fight is to wake up the team and the crowd. This new fighting model, while more realistic, is a bit underwhelming, especially because just about every fight is over in five seconds. Still, it’s a more realistic take on fighting, one that should be refined in future versions.

While EA has pushed the envelope for a few years now in terms of what players can do with their controllers, they also threw a bone to those looking for some uncomplicated puck. This year’s game features “NHL ’94 Controls” which pretty much mimic the classic controls so many of us used on the Sega Genesis games of yesteryear. This is a pretty neat addition, as some of the default controls are a bit daunting for newcomers. It’s hard to say if someone could get through a full season with the simpler control scheme, but it should serve as a nice gateway to casual gamers who loved the older NHL games, but grew out of them as they got more realistic. Make no mistake about it, NHL 09 is as real as you choose to make it.

Perhaps the greatest evidence of EA’s devotion to making the most perfectly customizable hockey game yet – not to mention evidence of how far technology has come – is that you can create custom playlists that translate to the music you hear during the game. In NHL 09, you can rip the song of your choice onto the hard drive and have that be the song your team takes the ice to each game. You can do the same for each goal you score, for stoppages in play, or for pretty much anything you’d like. While custom soundtracks are nothing new, this is just a wonderful addition to this particular game. How many hockey nuts out there daydream about walking down the runway and hitting the ice to one of their favorite songs? This is one of those subtle things that goes such a long way with gamers and only enhances NHL 09‘s considerable replay value.

Not that the soundtrack on NHL 09 is particularly bad or anything. It’s just more of the same – EA Trax consisting of bands you’ve heard of and a bunch of people you haven’t. One can only wonder why they haven’t done the obvious thing and made a soundtrack full of hockey-themed songs. God knows there are enough bands out there. I’d take a soundtrack of The Zambonis and Two Man Advantage over EA Trax any day.

Sound in general has always been a key element to the NHL games, and this year’s offering is no different. Gary Thorne, the greatest hockey announcer ever, and Bill Clement return to provide commentary that hardly ever gets repetitive and, get this, actually describes what’s going on. It’s hard to find any flaws in this year’s commentary track. In fact,the only issue is that by default, the commentary is played during Be A Pro mode. Which is odd, because real players don’t hear commentary when they’re playing their games. So if you choose to turn the commentary off in favor of the natural sounds of hockey – not a bad idea, even though the commentary is great – you would then have to turn the commentary back on if you exit Be A Pro mode. For some reason, you can’t have customized options for each of your game modes, which is a bit frustrating.

Graphically, the game looks similar to last year’s; virtually everything from last year’s game is found in this year’s. The intro, the menus, and the gameplay appear to be carbon copies of NHL 08. Things are a bit more refined, though, and the transition between menus is more smooth. This doesn’t sound like a big deal, but makes for an overall better gaming experience. Last year’s game presentation wasn’t broken, so we can work with it looking similar this year. However, there are a lot of new animations, particularly as far as goaltenders are concerned. In shootouts, goalies look and behave exactly like they would in real life. Shooters have new moves, and close-ups look even more lifelike. You sort of wonder how much more realistic things can look with this franchise, because everything looks quite real as is.

NHL 09 has all of the basic online options, with a few twists. As stated, you can upload highlights and photos, but there’s more. EA has finally introduced online leagues so that you can play something other than Dynasty over the long term. These leagues are a wonderful addition, though they probably should have been included years ago. There’s also a space for a “NHL 09 Code” from the main menu, something we saw last year. That time, it was the unveiling of the RBK Edge jerseys all teams now wear; this year, all indications are that this code will unlock all the third jerseys that teams will wear in 2008-09. Of course, X-Box Live will do all the upgrading, rendering such a code useless to anybody with online access.

Online or not, NHL 09 is a serious winner. It’s hard to find any serious flaws with the game, even with the introduction of so much new stuff. Kudos to EA for not just resting on their laurels, yet not tampering with what made NHL 08 so great. They found a happy medium, and should be commended for it.

The Scores
Story/Modes: Great
Graphics: Good
Sound: Good
Control/Gameplay: Classic
Replayability: Great
Balance: Classic
Originality: Mediocre
Addictiveness: Great
Appeal Factor: Above Average
Miscellaneous: Great
FINAL SCORE: VERY GOOD

Short Attention Span Summary
After scoring a hat trick with NHL 08, EA went back to the drawing board and only changed what needed to be changed. What’s left is a wonderfully refined game that offers more than last year. The Be A Pro mode is a welcome addition, one that indicates a new direction for this franchise. Those who would consider NHL 09 just another “roster update” game are dead wrong; this is a great game in its own right.
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For years now, John Madden’s NFL football franchise has been a way of life. Stores open at midnight just to be the first to offer the game. Gamers not only attend these midnight openings, but call in sick the next day just to try EA’s latest offering. And, of course, EA, the NFL, and Mr. Madden himself laugh all the way to the bank.

While the focus of the Madden series has always been on the console systems, the handhelds have their own less-heralded versions of the game. Madden NFL 09 marks the series’ fourth release for the Nintendo DS. It’s clear that the DS version of any game isn’t going to match up to its console counterpart, but how does this one fare?

Those people who complain that the series has gotten too realistic will be happy to turn on their DS systems and find that Madden NFL 09 looks, sounds, and plays almost exactly like a PS1-era Madden game. This is not unlike the way the Game Boy Advance versions of Madden were similar to the 16-bit Madden games of yesteryear. All the trick plays you remember from, say, Madden NFL 97 will work just fine in Madden NFL 09. Even the kind of plays that work (runs to the outside) and don’t work (just about any passing play) are intact in this version. Nostalgia, or laziness? Your choice.

One area where laziness does seem to come into play, though is the commentary. While the console versions of Madden are moving away from using John Madden himself as commentator, those who play the DS version will be treated to a sort of greatest hits package of Madden’s calls. No question, longtime Madden fans will have heard most, if not all of these before. And those they haven’t heard, they’ll hear very shortly and very frequently. Did you know the quarterback has to get rid of the ball quickly, but that the ball has to be catchable? If not, you will after playing roughly one minute of Madden NFL 09. It’s as though the game is acutely aware of the commentary’s misgivings, as the default settings have the commentary buried underneath the crowd music and gameplay noises, neither of which are anything to write home about. In fact, the referee’s whistle and the contact noises sound like they were transported out of a handheld Tiger Sports game.

Make no mistake about it, the DS version of Madden gets the short end of the stick. Just about everything we’ve relied on for years in the console versions of Madden – roster updates, EA Trax, so on and so forth – is missing. As bad as the sound quality is, this is where we see the real limitations of the DS. We do get some EA Trax, but it’s limited to a minute or two of a few select songs. Roster updates would actually be possible with the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection used for online gaming, but it’s not an option. Which is extremely unfortunate for two reasons. First, Brett Favre, the guy on the f’ing cover, is unable to be used. That means Jets fans, and countless others who idolize Favre (including Madden himself), don’t get to play as their favorite player. Secondly, the default stats are extremely skewed, to the point that approximately half the league’s tight ends have a rating of 100.

And speaking of oversights, here’s one for you. Madden NFL 09 for Nintendo DS does not offer the option of an in-game save. For a portable title, that is not only an egregious oversight, it’s completely unacceptable. A game with the default time of five-minute quarters can take up to an hour to play. How many people are able to commit to an hour of consecutive gaming on the go? Not an overwhelming number, that’s for sure. Therein lies the problem with this version of Madden. While it’s a game for a handheld system, it seems to be geared primarily toward play at home. Without the purchase of a separate online adapter, those who want to play online will be stuck playing at home or at Starbucks or something. And if you don’t have an hour – or, worse, your battery died in the middle of a game – you’re stuck. So then, if you’re going to be playing the game mostly at home, why not just buy the far superior console version?

That’s not to say Madden NFL 09 doesn’t have its merits. While we’ve obviously seen better from systems with more firepower, but what’s here is a solid, if a bit simple, football game. The game does try to conform to the varying needs of traveling gamers by offering quarters that can be as short as a minute long. The gameplay itself is fairly solid, though the passing game needs considerable work. There are portions of Madden that are fairly challenging, such as the kicking game, where field goals are blocked regularly and even extra points can be difficult to convert. Gamers will be surprised to find a rather intelligent AI on the other end of their DS, even on the default difficulty setting. The computer manages the clock extremely well and rarely does maddening (no pun intended) things such as lining up for a play just to sit there until the two-minute warning.

The game features a season mode, as well as a franchise mode that calls to mind the franchise modes of long ago. Essentially, it’s nothing more than a string of consecutive seasons with little in the way of off-season activity. We also get a tournament (playoff) mode as well as four mini-games that are rather stylus-heavy. The games range from the ridiculous (look at a play, then draw in the receiver routes from memory) to the games that sound awesome, but aren’t (paper triangle football) to ones that actually work (a modified version of the popular Rushing Attack mini-game from the console versions). The mini-games are a mixed bag, which is unfortunate; if they were even above-average, it would have done a lot for the replay value of this game.

Visually speaking, there’s not a ton to write home about. The graphics are pretty much what you’d expect; again, PS1-quality throughout. Which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s tough if you’re used to playing on the consoles and seeing the holes open up as the offensive line does its job. The graphics actually serve to get in the way of the gameplay at times, especially when the action reaches the top of the screen. This is one reason why passing the ball is nearly impossible – your receiver is often blocked by at least one opposing defensive back. It also wreaks havoc on punt returns, where you’re unable to see if you should call for a fair catch because all you see are players running toward you. Most games flip the perspective around when the ball is kicked. Not this one. However, they do manage to flip screens so that you can watch the referee spot the ball while you’re picking a play. Go figure.

The Scores
Story/Franchise: Bad
Graphics: Poor
Sound: Poor
Gameplay: Mediocre
Replayability: Bad
Balance: Above Average
Originality: Worthless
Addictiveness: Bad
Appeal Factor: Above Average
Miscellaneous: Dreadful
Final Score: Pretty Poor

Short Attention Span Summary
All in all, Madden NFL 09 for DS isn’t an awful game. It offers what you’d think it would, and nothing more. The gameplay isn’t bad, but with a limited playbook and without the advanced options featured in the console versions, it isn’t all that much fun to play. And, since there’s no option to save a game from the pause menu, it’s very hard to rely on this game as a portable fix for your 360, PS3, or Wii. Try it if you want, but save your money for the home versions.
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FINAL FANTASY IV DS
Genre: Role-Playing
Developer: Square Enix/Matrix Software
Publisher: Square Enix
Release Date: July 22, 2008

Let’s start with the basics. The overhead view of the previous incarnations of FF4 is a thing of the past. In its place is a look similar to that of Final Fantasy VII – impressive, but not overly detailed. It does provide an up-close view of the action, something that has been needed for some time. There are some subtle things that come along with this change – for example, players can now move diagonally, both on foot and in ships. Again, not a huge deal, but it’s nice. Then, we have the cut scenes. Much of the game’s dialogue is text-based, but pivotal moments are accompanied by animations and voice acting. The voice acting is good – some of the characters’ voices are pretty funny – but it’s nice to get to see these characters up close and personal. The animations and up-close graphics are top-notch as well. For those who have been playing this game for years, it’s nice to finally “meet” the characters.

And what characters they are! The one thing FF4 does so well is focus on the characters and make them actual people that generate empathy. The gamer who can’t relate to at least one of these characters is the gamer who has no heart. While the plot of the game is, on the surface, fairly standard RPG fare – recover magic crystals, defeat four elemental fiends, save the world, etc. – there’s a ton more here than meets the eye. Each character has his or her own back story, not to mention issues that they are forced to deal with as the game progresses. One of the new features is a thought bubble that appears over the party leader’s head in the game’s menu. This thought bubble either sheds light on that character’s situation, gives a hint as to what’s coming next, or could be something totally random. It’s a neat little feature that’s constantly changing, giving returning players something new to keep track of.

The one thing everyone had been saying about the Japanese version was the increased difficulty. Truly, Final Fantasy IV Advance was on the easy side, almost excessively so. FF4DS changes that big-time. The reports of Japanese gamers having trouble with the Mist Dragon are not exaggerated. If you’re the kind of gamer who can play through the GBA version without dying, be sure to check your ego at the door with this one. Even the easiest of monsters can draw massive hit points with ordinary attacks, and the bosses… well, let’s just say that they’ve earned their distinctions. Experience points are as plentiful as they once were, if not more so, but gold is seemingly impossible to find. For the first time in a long while, players are forced to pick and choose which equipment they want to purchase, as there isn’t enough gold to buy it all. This is the only aspect of the difficulty that’s frustrating, as the game’s difficulty curve is quite masterful. The game, while extremely challenging, never crosses over the line of cheapness; instead, it tests gamers and makes them better players. That’s what hard games are supposed to do, yet rarely complete the task.

Even veteran players will find themselves in awe of how much newness there is in FF4DS. While the story stays largely the same, in many ways, playing through FF4DS is like experiencing Final Fantasy IV for the first time. Aside from the obvious visual upgrades, there are some neat little additions, such as rewards for completely filling in dungeon maps. While it can be frustrating to reach the exit of a level, only to discover you’re at 99% complete, the rewards are often worth the trouble. There’s also the new Augment System, which lets party members equip functions of those who have left in addition to some entirely new abilities. It’s now possible to use some of the skills opponents use, which makes for some interesting battles. To enhance the game’s replay value even further, after beating the game, players can start a new game with all of their learned abilities intact for their second quest.

The big upgrades found in the GBA version – namely, the trials and the ability to swap characters in and out – have been removed. Instead, we have the augment system and Whyt. Whyt is Rydia’s dragon that can be summoned in battle as well as pitted against other DS users. The mini-games increase Whyt’s abilities; while the mini-games seem sort of cheesy and stupid, they are quite addicting and are fairly challenging. They’re a fun diversion in a game that, due to its difficulty and heavy storyline, can sometimes leave gamers needing a break.

The mini-games can be accessed by summoning the Fat Chocobo, who no longer serves any relevant purpose. Now that the item limit has been removed, his only role is to allow gamers to access Whyt. Another character who is now obsolete is Namingway; since the cut scenes necessitate characters keeping their names, he can’t very well allow players to change names. Instead, he tries out a number of new careers and unlocks some pretty cool features, including the Bestiary and all the cut scenes seen to that point. He also provides some necessary comic relief. Kudos to Square for taking an irrelevant character and giving him a purpose.

Perhaps the best upgrade found in FF4DS, though, is the new translation. While returning players will appreciate the classic lines that remain (with “You spoony bard!” sitting prominently atop that list), this translation expands the storyline by highlighting the subtleties of the original script. For example, this translation does the best job yet of showing Kain’s affection for Rosa, something that’s barely alluded to in the SNES version. Also, the translation helps to date this game back to a period of time around the Middle Ages (the feathered pens on desks help to accomplish this as well), as the dialogue extensively uses old-sounding phrases, but uses them very well.

And then there’s the soundtrack. A big deal was made about how the soundtrack was remixed for this version; quite frankly, it sounds pretty similar to the way it always has. Which is, of course, simply amazing. Some bits sound different, but nothing sounds out of place. That’s the way it should be. FF4 has one of the best scores of all-time and, while the DS has limited sound options, the game still sounds great. It’s also particularly interesting to hear these familiar favorites with the characters speaking over them.

Many people will dismiss FF4DS as yet another Square remake designed to cash in on a big name. These people are mistaken. There’s a ton here that makes this game worthy of purchase, not only as a stand-alone title, but as a worthy update of a classic. As I played through this game, I couldn’t help but think of how the whole thing felt new, even though I’ve played through the other versions many times over. This is different, but in a good way. People are calling this the “definitive” version of FF4, I’m not so sure that FF4DS claims to be. It’s just a different look at a classic game with modern graphics and some touching up. It’s the kind of game in which newcomers and seasoned veterans alike can find something valuable and something new. Given the amount of times we’ve seen FF4 repackaged in recent years, that’s very impressive.

THE SCORES
STORY/MODES: Great
GRAPHICS: Great
SOUND: Classic
CONTROL/GAMEPLAY: Good
REPLAYABILITY: Great
BALANCE: Classic
ORIGINALITY: Poor
ADDICTIVENESS: Good
APPEAL FACTOR: Good
MISCELLANEOUS: Great

TOTAL SCORE: VERY GOOD GAME!

SHORT ATTENTION SPAN SUMMARY
Final Fantasy IV has always been one of the great games of our time. FF4DS, however, might just be the best version of it yet. It’s received a needed update, but still maintains its old charm. Better than that, though, it provides a new experience for those who are playing for the first time as well as those who have been playing FF4 for years. While many of us have seen this game before, it hasn’t been this enjoyable in a very long time.
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Think for a second about the typical gamer stereotype. Slovenly, zit-faced, Mountain Dew-swilling sloth. Oh, and fat. Very fat. Now, we all know this hardly an accurate description of every gamer out there. Still, there are some of us who feel we could stand to lose a few pounds. Thanks to Ubisoft, we can now do so by using a familiar friend – the Nintendo DS.

My Weight Loss Coach is exactly that – a guide that can be followed to help aid someone on their diet. It isn’t a miracle solution or anything, but it’s an easy-to-use tool that can help keep gamers on track in between marathon sessions of Pokemon and Final Fantasy. And, just like a diet, a player can only get out as much as he or she puts in.

So, how does it all work?

The key to My Weight Loss Coach is the pedometer that comes with the game and hooks up with the DS via the Game Boy Advance game slot. This is both a blessing and a curse. It’s a good thing because it illustrates how much walking people do in the course of their daily activities; in this way, it’s an inspiration to keep people going. The problem is, if you forget to take your pedometer with you, you’re missing out on a big part of the game. If you lose the thing, you’re even worse off, particularly if you lose it right away – you can’t even get past the intro until you walk 500 steps. Also, the pedometer can easily be rigged by moving it up and down. However, the pedometer is fairly resilient and doesn’t reset like you might think it would. And, in truth, once you take it with you for a few days, you’re that much more likely to remember to bring it with you all the time. The flip side to that is that if you forget to bring the pedometer once, not only might you forget it in subsequent days, you might not want to log into the game at all because one-fourth of your progress won’t be tracked. And if you don’t log in for a couple of days, you’re back to where you started. This is an example of how the game gives you the option to be really into it, but also of how sometimes it’s just not practical.

The game’s main menu consists of two options – Daily Session and Backpack. The Backpack features some supplementary functions such as advice, quizzes, and progress charts. The Daily Session is where you’ll spend most of your time, and it’s broken up into four parts. The first is the pedometer, which consists of you plugging in your pedometer and seeing how many miles you’ve walked. The second is a series of challenges, which range from one-minute challenges (for example, doing as many sit-ups as possible in a minute) to 24-hour challenges (not eating anything oily for an entire day). There’s no real punishment for not completing the challenges, but they do tend to stick with you; if you’re the sort that doesn’t like to break the promises you make to yourself, you’ll do your best to complete these. The third section tracks your daily activity. It’s vague as to whether or not you’re supposed to include your pedometer activity with this; however, the game presents this as an entirely different entity. The activity you enter ties into the fourth section, which is essentially your food tracker. Rather than use calories or points, My Weight Loss Coach uses units of energy which are worth roughly 50 calories each. It’s nice to see that calories aren’t the be-all and end-all, as the obsession with calories derails thousands of diets each day. The game lets you enter your nutritional info in either vague terms (i.e. a heavy lunch, a light snack) or specific foods such as pasta or veal. Either way works, but what you gain in the convenience of entering meals is lost when you see that it’s not exactly accurate to what you ate. The ultimate goal isn’t to have as few energy points as possible; instead, your goal is to achieve what the game calls “balance” between your diet and your activity. The problem is that it’s hard to get accurate readings from your food entry. There will be days where you actually have achieved perfect balance in real life, but the game doesn’t see it that way because it’s impossible to be completely specific when entering your foods.

The way the game measures your progress is in miles (as in, not pounds). Each challenge you complete adds an extra mile to the amount you’ve walked with your pedometer. Activity and food goals are rewarded similarly. When the game tells you that you’ve walked as far as Mount Everest is high, it’s hard not to feel good about it, even though it’s not exactly true. My Weight Loss Coach isn’t terribly concerned with weight, asking for it once and then sort of sweeping it under the rug. However, it does use the dreaded Body Mass Index for an overall picture of your health. It’s better than nothing, but a muscular player might find that he or she is being unfairly characterized as out of shape.

The game looks and sounds exactly as you’d expect, with cutesy graphics and sound effects to keep things lighthearted. That’s definitely the right approach to take here. The emphasis is on fun here, and the overall feel of the game doesn’t diminish that. You’ll probably chuckle to yourself a few times at the inherent cheesiness of some of the dialogue by the “host”, and that’s a good thing. This is supposed to be a game, not a death sentence. In terms of its use of DS functionality, My Weight Loss Coach uses the stylus pretty heavily, and its use isn’t nearly as gratuitous as some of the other games out there. You don’t get the impression that they felt like they had to find stuff to do with the touch screen, but a lot of the stylus’s functions could just as easily be executed by pressing the B button.

One gripe with this game is that you can only have one user profile. In other words, if you bring home My Weight Loss Coach and your spouse decides he or she wants to give it a try, he or she is stuck buying his or her own copy. There doesn’t seem to be a reason why Ubisoft couldn’t have made room for a couple of extra profiles; after all, weight loss is infinitely easier if one has a mate in the process. It’s an oversight, but it’s one that hurts the game. While most people will want to keep their files relatively confidential, they’ll also want to show their close friends and family what they’re doing. Without the option for additional profiles, that becomes much tougher.

My Weight Loss Coach keeps things easy and positive, which is nice, but not everybody is in the habit of using their DS on a daily basis. However, many people do use their computers daily, which is why an online food tracker might be more convenient for some. Personally, I use Weight Watchers Online, which costs more than My Weight Loss Coach, but is more familiar and in-depth, not to mention right at my fingertips wherever there’s a computer nearby. Like many people, I don’t bring a DS everywhere I go. And even though a Daily Session in My Weight Loss Coach can be completed in ten minutes, I still find it easier to go online and enter my information that way.

That’s not to say that this is a bad game. My Weight Loss Coach is better than many dieting tools out there, and those who use their DS more than their computer may find this game extremely beneficial. It’s certainly better than doing nothing, and could come in handy for those who want to change, but aren’t sure where to start. Maybe it’s not the solution, but My Weight Loss Coach will get you on your way if you let it. And that’s all it seeks to do.

THE SCORES
STORY/MODES: Above Average
GRAPHICS: Mediocre
SOUND: Mediocre
CONTROL/GAMEPLAY: Above Average
REPLAYABILITY: Mediocre
BALANCE: n/a
ORIGINALITY: Good
ADDICTIVENESS: Above Average
APPEAL: Above Average
MISCELLANEOUS: Poor

TOTAL SCORE: DECENT GAME

SHORT ATTENTION SPAN SUMMARY
All in all, My Weight Loss Coach does a good job of pushing you along your way, keeping you on track while simultaneously increasing the effort you put in. The pedometer is a great addition, but it can also indirectly drive players away as they find that they can’t remember to bring it everywhere. While it’s not a traditional “game”, it does provide the interactivity that many find necessary to diet effectively; however the lack of multiple user profiles makes it impossible for players to share their successes, which is so important. It’s not a perfect tool, but it’s a good one, and it’s better than much of what’s available.
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The Civil War is perhaps the most unique war the United States has ever been involved in. Not only is it the only war that pitted America against America, but it’s the only war where both sides claim victory. Depending on where you grew up, you heard one version of what happened, usually with a slant toward your geographic region. However, since we’re talking about a war that took place nearly 150 years ago, nobody will ever know what really happened.

That’s where Gary Grigsby comes in. His latest game, War Between The States, allows players to create their own version of the Civil War by controlling either the Union, the Confederacy, or even both of them. If you’re a Civil War buff – or even if you just have an appreciation for United States history – this is a pretty interesting premise. The big question is, though, how does it translate to a game? Let’s find out.

War Between The States lets a player jump into the Civil War at the outset (1861), the middle (1863), or the end (1865). While the year doesn’t make that big a difference as far as gameplay goes, it’s nice to have the option of starting from any juncture you’d like. Aside from choosing the side(s) you wish to control, you can also elect to control either the military operations or the production of goods. Just like with your choice of allegiance, you’re given the option of doing both if you so desire. But the options don’t matter as much as the gameplay, which always makes or breaks strategy games.

How in-depth is the gameplay in War Between The States? Let’s put it this way – the instruction manual is 184 pages long. Now, I know what you’re thinking. If the manual is 184 pages long, how on Earth do you even begin to approach this game? It’s simple. War Between The States lets you play this game any way you want to play it. If you like doing crazy things like creating infantry units and appointing generals and so on and so forth, that’s your option. If you just feel like playing Risk and moving people into battle positions, you can do that too. The game plays just as well either way. You might feel like you’re missing out on some stuff by taking the basic approach, but let’s face it, not everyone is going to like everything about any game. That you’re given the option to play this game as you desire is one of its best features.

That said, the game does have a learning curve. If you were to boot up the game, click one of the scenarios, and dive right in, you’d be lost. Outside of the 184-page instruction manual, the game features video tutorials as well as interactive tutorials. They’re meant to be used, and they should be. It pays to put in a little time early on to learn what to do and why it’s done. The tutorials do a really good job of making a daunting task seem easier; however, when it’s time to play for real, it’s hard to remember everything you learned. A lot of this game’s learning process is trial and error; for the player who’s used to picking up a game and playing it, that’s tough to take.

At its core, the game is a turn-based strategy game; you move your soldiers into positions that are favorable, watch your opponent do the same, and then do battle. That’s all well and good, but if you’re facing off against the computer, this can be quite an ordeal. The computer’s movements take forever, sometimes over five minutes, and you can’t skip past any of it. It’s very frustrating and can totally kill your desire to play the game, especially if you’re used to fast-paced gameplay. This is one of those little things that does a lot to diminish the many things that this game does well.

The game offers you a lot of different options, all of which enhance its replay value. Aside from your option to pick one or both sides, and start from different years, there’s a lot to do here. You can learn some of the finer points of the game and try out your skills against another player either on the same computer or via e-mail (sadly, the seemingly obvious online play option isn’t available). While the game is one that doesn’t have to take a long time to play, it’s clear how it can last for a while if you want it to.

For most players, though, the most fun thing will be to play around with the soldiers and see if they can change history. If you ever wondered how a certain battle would have played out if something different happened, you can play that right out. It’s also very interesting to see the fall-out from the decisions you make. The game provides detailed reports about the states and how your actions affect them. So, while your ultimate goal is to defeat the other side, you can also see little things improve in the individual states along the way.

In terms of the game’s presentation, War Between The States features graphics that can be best described as tasteful. They’re nothing to write home about, but they’re sharp and good. Everything is clear and detailed, leaving you impressed, if not overwhelmed. The maps are highly accurate and are not diminished when the player zooms in. The soldier models are solid, though it can occasionally be tough to determine which soldier belongs to which army.

The main issue with the graphics is the roll-over menu system the game employs. This is both a blessing and a curse. It’s particularly a curse if you’re playing on a laptop without a mouse, as menus pop up and disappear before you can utilize them. However, aside from this inconvenience, the menus are a great help. The aforementioned issues with figuring out which side a soldier is on can easily be rectified by simply rolling over a soldier.

Perhaps the thing I liked best about the graphics is the absence of gratuitous CGI and full-motion video. It’s not necessary, and it’s not included. This is a strategy game, not a graphical masterpiece. Kudos to 2 By 3 Games for keeping the frivolous stuff to an absolute minimum.

Just like with the graphics, War Between The States sticks with the basics in terms of sound. There’s not much here, but what’s here is well-done. The music played during the opening menus and during turns of battle feature a military feel and really get you in the frame of mind for war. As the players move, some familiar war tunes can be heard. It’s nothing special, but it’s not supposed to be, and the less-is-more approach works here.

That said, the main question about this game is yet to be answered. Is the game fun?

For all of the great things about this game – the ability to play as both sides, the ability to either go in-depth or keep it simple, etc. – it isn’t all that much fun to play. In the amount of time you’ll spend waiting for the computer to make their moves, you could play another game on a DS or PSP. Besides, for those who are looking to play Risk in the Civil War era, the fun of trash-talking and inter-personal contact is gone. Instead, it’s just you against the computer (or yourself), which can get kind of old pretty fast.

This game would have benefited greatly from a true online mode. The option to play via e-mail is a good one, as it allows players to play at their own pace, but putting this game in a head-to-head, real-time environment would push it up another notch. While some might want time to plot their moves and set things up as they’d like, the absence of true combat with another person hurts this game. As great as it is to experiment with history, gaming has always been better with multiple players, and this game would have been much better with such an option.

Although casual players might tire of it quickly, War Between The States does not apologize for what it is – a strategy-based war simulation that lets players get as in-depth as they could possibly imagine. The players who play these games are the target audience, as it should be. It might not be the biggest market in the world, but it’s a loyal one and it’s one that’s loyal to the Gary Grigsby series of games. Casual gamers might look the other way at a game such as this one, but there’s something in this game for most players to be at least somewhat satisfied. It’s a shame most people won’t give this one a second thought.

For those who are willing to dig a little deeper, though, they’ll be impressed. The Civil War is one of the most famous happenings in American history. It’s a topic that has been made into movies, books, paintings, and video games. However, the elimination of the typical “good vs. evil” premise we see in most war games is an appealing twist. It makes it possible for gamers to not only play the game for the sake of beating it, but also to try different things and really get into the mindset of the 1860s. The ability to take a video game and, in a sense, turn it into a historical document is something we haven’t seen much of. Perhaps this is the greatest attribute of War Between The States.

Also, while there was a lot of attention paid to the details of the graphics and sound, the one thing that they really nailed was the one thing you might not expect. As you play this game, you will encounter generals, soldiers, and various military people. Each of them has a name. Guess what? These names aren’t just the made-up names you’d see in a sports game when the developer is too cheap to pay for the real ones. This is the real deal – how cool is that? They could have just put fake names in here and very few people would have cared, but the extra effort is more than appreciated. It just adds to the feel of the game. Rather than just simulating the Civil War, it’s clear that War Between The States does everything possible to actually put you in the war. Now that’s some in-depth stuff.

Ultimately, all that extra stuff will be lost on the casual gamers who don’t play games in this genre. Those who do will find themselves in heaven with all of the crazy things they can do. It’s not exactly The Oregon Trail in the way it lets the player experiment with history, but War Between The States lets players enjoy the game as much or as little as they’d like – and maybe even learn something in the process.

THE RATINGS
STORY/MODES: Above Average
GRAPHICS: Mediocre
SOUND: Above Average
CONTROL/GAMEPLAY: Above Average
REPLAYABILITY: Above Average
BALANCE: Mediocre
ORIGINALITY: Good
ADDICTIVENESS: Bad
APPEAL FACTOR: Bad
MISCELLANEOUS: Great

FINAL SCORE: DECENT GAME

SHORT ATTENTION SPAN SUMMARY
Gary Grigsby’s War Between The States is a good game. It lets you play at your own pace and whatever skill level you desire. However, fun is lost somewhere in the mix. Without the ability to play online, it’s mostly player vs. computer, something that can’t be sustained over a long period of time. While the game serves a great purpose as a way to play around with history, it isn’t going to do a lot for many gamers. A good game, sure, but it won’t make you forget about the GTA4 you have sitting in your X-Box 360 or PS3.
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Three Favorite Genres
– Sports
– RPGs
– Platformers

Three Favorite Games
– Final Fantasy IV (SNES)
– Super Mario World (SNES)
– Mortal Kombat II (SNES)

Favorite Console: Super Nintendo

Other Places I can Be Found
– The Rivalry – New York Islanders/Rangers Blog. I cover the Islanders.
– Mets Merized Online – A New York Mets Blog.
– Facebook – I occasionally post notes about such irrelevant things as baseball and my personal life.

Bio
Before burning out on the gaming industry in early 2005, Bryan Berg enjoyed a lengthy run as one of the industry’s most influential commentators. Sure, he took himself way too seriously in those days, but he has a very impressive legacy of stolen ideas and ripped-off columns as a result. Bryan has always been more fascinated with the business of video gaming than the actual games themselves, but he still enjoys playing as often as he can. The greatest highlights of his video gaming life were receiving a NES for Christmas in 1989 and winning Super Bowl XLII in Madden 07 when his own custom player returned a kickoff for a touchdown with 30 seconds left.

Q&A
1)Chuck Platt: Berg? Didn’t he die in a pet store fire?
– Not to my knowledge.

2)ML Kennedy: You are going to spend the day in Tijuana with a Nintendo villain. Whom do you choose?
– I’d have to go with Wario. I can see him being a quality wingman. He can hit on young girls and do his creepy laugh, which would amuse me to no end. Besides, I appreciate his keen sense of fashion. If Wario wasn’t available, I’d have to go with Golgo 13. He just seems like he’d be the coolest guy in person.

3)Guy Desmarais: You can build your own hockey team from any video games character EVER for the upcoming “Super Smash Hockey” game. Who’s on your team, and what position do they play?
– OK, here goes…

Goalie: King Hippo. Maybe not the mobility you’re looking for in a netminder, but he’d take up the entire net. That goes a long way with me.

Defense: Waluigi. Just the kind of doofy, lumbering, stay-at-home defenseman you need. If he couldn’t clear out the crease, he’d look pretty funny trying.

Defense: Sonic. He’d be the Paul Coffey of the team – blazing speed and skill at both ends. And he’d be impossible to take out of the play as long as he has at least one ring in his possession.

Left Wing: Mega Man. Mega Man is the de facto “soft European” of the group. He has great skills on the wing and flies back like a little bitch when he gets hit. Has a great shot from the point.

Center: Ryu (Ninja Gaiden). Has there ever been a video game star more prepared for hockey? Tremendous athletic ability… zero personality. Quotes like “…” have him ready to compete with the league’s elite for Most Entertaining Interview.

Right Wing: Zangief. The prototypical power forward – just park it in front of the net and tap in the garbage. More than willing to drop the gloves if necessary. Zangief also fulfills the Russian player quota.

4)Charlie Marsh: If you could give any Mortal Kombat fatality to Jack Thompson, what would it be?
– Probably Kano’s heart fatality. I’d like for him to see just how blackened and shriveled his heart has become. I’ve never seen someone so content to just blame products rather as opposed to attempting to understand the society that creates them. Just a repulsing figure, one certainly deserving of any fatality. Kano’s would just make me smile a little bit more.

5)Bebito Jackson: What is the favorite thing you have ever written & why?
– That’s a tough one. There are a lot of pieces I’m proud of. But I think the one that stands out is the ESRB feature. It really showed me how far we had come as a site and how much I had progressed as a writer. Most importantly, it was the one piece I wrote that had tangible results – a few months after the feature went up, the ESRB made a modification I suggested. The success of the article really is a tribute to everyone involved with the site, which to me is the best part.

6)Alex Lucard: As an avid football (both types), how would you explain why American football is popular over here to a European and why real Football (sccoer) is appealing to the population of the rest of the world except the US?
– Well, the first thing I’d do is point out the similarities between the two games. First, the obvious – both the NFL and the European football leagues print money at will. But going deeper than that, they’ve got a fair amount in common. Both have intricate strategies that get lost in highlight films. Both have superstar players that electrify as well as nauseate, not to mention enjoy fair amounts of times on police blotters. Most importantly, though, both football and soccer require a total team effort to win.

The phenomenon that is American football, while rather simple, is hard to explain. It’s the sport with the most contact, played by the most highly-skilled athletes. But the real reason it’s been so successful? The game has been passed down through the generations, with proud parents telling stories to their children about their football exploits. The team nature of the game makes it so that football becomes a part of those who play it. Later, it becomes a family thing, with father and son bonding over football on a Sunday afternoon. Then, it gets passed on to friends and future generations. Simply put, Americans have such a deep affinity for football that it’s displaced baseball as America’s favorite sport. When an American thinks of baseball, the first word that comes to mind is “steroids”. But Americans are so into the history of football and what the sport means to them that the NFL’s corrupt practices (steroids, shady business deals, etc.) are ignored in favor of The Game.

Americans love watching the highlights of their football heroes, so it’s tougher for them to get into soccer – a game where 90 minutes may go by without anything close to a goal. But in Europe, it’s the only game that matters. The English Premier League, probably the biggest soccer league in the world, is on par with the NFL (if not even further ahead) in terms of its visibility and its popularity in other nations. There is such passion surrounding soccer in Europe that it makes the rowdiest NFL crowd look tame. And the skill, will, and toughness of the players is second to none. People like to talk about soccer players being sissies, but some of these players get beat up worse than American football players. Unfortunately, the United States seems only to care about the highlights that get shown on SportsCenter, and soccer doesn’t really translate to that model. Which is a shame; enough Americans play soccer at a young enough age to be hooked for life. And with the Internet and digital cable, they’ll follow the European game rather than MLS, because the focus just isn’t there in America. Why? Because America is used to winning everything and won’t support a league and national team that is just starting to emerge as an upper-tier soccer power. Perhaps, when the US is in a World Cup final, the sport will reach its’ potential in America. Until then, though, it’ll be a niche sport at best.

7)Misha: What video-game beverage would you most like to try? Pick one alcoholic, and one non-alcoholic.
– I can’t seem to think of an alcoholic drink in a game. But those pills that make you go berserk in Grand Theft Auto look like fun.

As for a non-alcoholic drink… it would have to be some sort of healing potion, like the ones you’d get in Final Fantasy or any role-playing game. I can’t imagine being tired and sore, then drinking something and magically being restored to full health. According to the games, that’s exactly what the potions do.

8)Michael O’Reilly: Name the one thing you wish a game would let you do.
– The one thing that I keep thinking about is first-person gaming. I’m not talking about first-person shooters, because those have been done to death. But what about a first-person action game? What about a first-person hockey game? I feel like the surface has barely been scratched in terms of what developers can do to really put the player inside the game. I mean, how much more realistic can graphics get? That may be the next step developers take to give the illusion of realism.

9)Lee Baxley: Back when I was new to writing, I’m pretty sure I screwed up your first name a lot. Did you hate me for that? Have you ever killed someone because they mess up your name? I know I would.
– If I killed every person that messed up my name, I’d have committed a thousand murders by now. It literally happens all the time. The list of people who think my name is spelled “Brian” is endless, from old teachers to current friends to every single person I work with (they put me in the Outlook system as “Brian Berg” and I can’t change it). So, long story short, I didn’t hate you for that. Do it again, though, and we’ll see how I like it…

10)Chris Pankonin: Has there ever been a movie based on a video game that you actually liked? If the answer is no, do you think there will ever be a decent video game-based movie – especially considering how cinematic most big-time games are these days…
– Outside of the Mortal Kombat movies, I’ve yet to see a game-based movie. I intend to keep it that way. It’s a total Catch-22 for all involved. The movie can never be faithful enough to the game for the fans of the game to like it, and it can’t be separated enough from the game to shake the stigma of a “video game movie” for casual viewers to get into it. In short, it’s money that’s flushed down the toilet, and that loss of money convinces companies to play it safe rather than innovate.

Also, on the topic of games and movies, I believe very strongly that there will never be another good video game based on a movie, because most times the game is just another way to grab money from consumers while it’s still a viable brand name. In my mind, the only good movie-based game was Aladdin… and that was like fifteen years ago.

11) Frederick Badlissi: One of your most poignant pieces was in response to a column you wrote about how much of a racket the game industry was, and one of the responses you received was from a guy who sold all of his games and felt better for it; to borrow a line from a Bad Religion song, he “renewed himself with depravity.”

I’m wondering- have you ever thought of just sparking off your own catharsis by selling it all?
– Ah, yes… Bad Religion.

I still remember that e-mail like it was yesterday. I was shocked, floored, awed, upset, and ecstatic all at the same time. The game industry has always put itself first, and I’m glad somebody finally took a stand. But a lot of us would rather deal with the hassles and have our games. Which side is right? I don’t know.

I’ve briefly thought about selling it all, but ultimately that just concedes defeat to the GameStops of the world, and that’s not the point. However, I do think I stopped writing about video games to achieve that catharsis. From being so intensely involved in the business of the industry, I couldn’t fathom that all of these people were making so much money, but didn’t understand the first thing about customer service. I saw an industry that simply was not going to learn its lessons anytime soon and railing against it burned me out. Since then, it’s gotten a little better… but not much. If gaming wants to be on the level movies are on – and that’s certainly where we’re headed – the industry has an awful lot to learn about putting its’ customers first.

As we all know, Monday is the day Nintendo releases its’ newest Virtual Console titles. And when it comes to Virtual Console titles, we here at Diehard GameFAN have got you covered. Our staff has many, many lifetimes of gaming experience to fall back on, which means that when it comes to the games of yesteryear, we know our stuff. Each Tuesday, check with GameFAN to see the latest additions to the Virtual Console, along with recollections from the staff for each game.

This week, we have two new titles… and both are imports. Whoops. So much for that whole recollections thing. However, two of our guys have risen to the occasion this week and discussed the new releases: Bryan Berg and Guy Desmarais. Let’s take a look at this week’s offerings…

DoReMi Fantasy: Milon’s DokiDoki Adventure
– Genre: Platformer
– System: Super Famicom
– Release Date: March 22, 1996 (Japan Only)
– Price: 900 Wii Points

Bryan: DoReMi Fantasy sounds like a cross between a Mario game and Bubble Bobble. From what I’ve read, it’s one of the top platformers released for the Super Famicom and would be recognized as a classic if it had ever come to America. This game sounds interesting as hell and I just might have to give it a try.

Guy: As a platformer-lover, you can bet that I will try DoReMi Fantasy. After all, it is the sequel to the NES game “Milon’s Secret Castle”, which was good enough in its own right. However, the sequel is supposed to be so good that it is considered a classic in its home country. I have no choice now: I want to know if this game truly is the masterpiece that importers and emulation junkies have hyped it to be.

Puyo Puyo 2
– Genre: Puzzle
– System: Mega Drive
– Release Date: December 2, 1994 (Japan Only)
– Price: 900 Wii Points

Bryan: Hey, I’ve heard of this game! At least that’s something to hang my hat on. Apparently, we’ve seen the original Puyo Puyo in America under the alias of Dr. Robotnik’s Mean Bean Machine. That was a fun one. Anyway, it’ll be interesting to see this series as nature intended it – as in, without it being Americanized. Something tells me I’ll like this one more than the Mean Bean Machine.

Guy: Kirby Avalanche was apparently a rip-off of this game. I love Kirby Avalanche. Not that I have enough money to buy anything that comes out (DoReMi Fantasy wins this week), but if I had, I’m pretty sure this would be on my to-buy list. As far as puzzle games go, that concept is near the top of my list.

Sounds like we’ve been blessed with two sweet games this week! Unfortunately, they’re two sweet games that share a rather unfortunate release date – just about everybody who has a Wii is playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl right now. Still, these games will be waiting for us when we’re done beating the crap out of each other. As for those of you who missed out on Brawl, check these new titles out on Virtual Console! We’ll be back in one week with a look at the next batch of VC releases.

The history of NFL Street is not a very pretty one. The franchise has toiled for the past four years as sort of an awkward sibling of the far superior (and far more successful) NBA Street franchise. As much as EA’s tried to shove NFL Street down the throats of gamers everywhere, only three mediocre games were produced before EA sensed the obvious and pulled the plug. However, EA would not give up on creating the ultimate arcade-style equivalent to the Madden series. Going back to the drawing board, EA created NFL Tour, a game that theoretically would not only replace NFL Street, but bring arcade football into the future.

EA’s attempts to revitalize the franchise will not only be compared to the NFL Street games, but NFL Blitz, the best and most famous arcade-style football game of all-time. Does EA’s new face of arcade football match up to the legendary Blitz? Or does NFL Tour suffer from the same problems that plagued the NFL Street series?

1. Story
For all of the supposed differences between NFL Street and NFL Tour, the games have very similar “season” modes. In the past, you played every other NFL team and tried to beat them all. In NFL Tour’s Tour Mode, you still play every other NFL team and try to beat them all. After creating your own player and joining the team of your choice, you hit the road to begin the Tour. At each of your tour stops, you take on one division of the NFL, going in reverse order of their 2006 finish, with various All-Star teams thrown in along the way. Of course, as you progress, the challenges become tougher – not that the teams themselves become tougher, mind you, but the game itself stacks the odds. At the first stop, you play a normal timed game. But as the tour rolls on, it’s all up for grabs; your opponents can be spotted points, first downs can be longer, and the scoring team can keep the ball. If you manage to complete the entire Tour Mode, you’ll have seen it all and done it all.

And that’s the problem with NFL Tour. All of these stipulations and all of these tasks you have to complete mean you’ll have to play a number of different ways to win. True, it is interesting to uncover new layers of the game, but it takes some awfully cheap playing to beat the computer in some of these challenges. For instance, try beating an all-star team when the first team to fourteen points wins and they’re spotted seven points and they get the ball first. By the time you’re done, you’re so sick of these ridiculous challenges that you won’t even want to play against the computer anymore. Worse, you’ll be so cheap that nobody else will want to play against you. Basically, once you finish playing the Tour, you’ll never want to play this game again.

All in all, Tour Mode could have offered a whole lot more than it does. You just play against team after team, with the only real motivation being to see what Trey Wingo says to you after you finish beating up on that division. The game doesn’t even keep stats for your team or your players along the way (though they do keep records for your profile). And if you think there’s a big payoff at the end, you’re mistaken. All you get are longer games and more stupid stipulations to deal with. What was once a fast-paced game you could play in ten minutes at the first stop becomes a drawn-out slugfest that can take a half-hour or more to complete. Do you really want to play the NFL All-Stars in a game where the first person to score 99 points wins? Doubtful. Yet, to complete the Tour, you’ll have to do just that.

In their quest to make the game more challenging, EA takes all the fun out of it. How ironic.
Story Rating: 3/10

2. Graphics
If you’ve looked at screenshots of NFL Tour, the first things you probably noticed were the revamped fields and new backgrounds. Finally moving out of random schoolyards and parks, NFL Tour is set in an arena that looks like the stage of a grandiose football-themed game show. Spectators line up to watch the action, while spotlights and laser images move around the field, which is an 80-yard field with yard markers and walls you’d see in arena football. In the background are some of the buildings and landmarks that make that particular destination famous. And, while the field is what you might expect from a game on X-Box 360, the backgrounds look great and add a unique feel to the action.

Unfortunately, the good news about the graphics ends there, as we move on to what may have been the second thing you noticed in the screen shots – the players’ ugly, hideous uniforms. In NFL Street, players wore street clothes, and that was bad enough. But in NFL Tour, players wear these shirts that look almost like hockey jerseys, only if hockey jerseys had short sleeves and were extremely tight. The person who would wear something like this to a NFL game would probably go home doused in beer. The game does offer the option for a long-sleeved version of this shirt, along with an Under Armour version and the actual NFL jerseys; however, all of the options have the team name listed on the back instead of the player’s name.

As for player models, there’s not much to write home about. There are only four models available (thin, athletic, muscular, heavy) when you create your player, none of which are at all customizable. The game gives you thirty faces/skin tones to choose from, and pretty much all of them look awful; again, none of them can be modified in any way. The game doesn’t show much in the way of the faces of the NFL superstars, and while they’re not perfect, they look enough like the players they’re modeled after. If only the players looked as good as the backgrounds looked, we might be in good shape. As it is, though, the graphics end up being merely average.
Graphics Rating: 5/10

3. Sound
The game’s soundtrack is as generic as it gets, with plenty of EA Trax to get you by. The one good thing about the soundtrack is that you don’t really have to hear it, as the menu music defaults to a much lower volume level than the in-game sounds. If you hate hearing menu music blaring through your speakers while you’re taking a break, this is one thing you’ll like. The rest of the sounds are what you’d expect, including some random musical numbers that sound like the random musical numbers in every other NFL Street game.

If it sounds like I’m rushing through the sound, you’re correct. Because what I really want to talk about is the commentary. We’ve heard some pretty bad commentary tracks over the years, but this one takes the cake. NFL Tour has, by far, the worst commentary of any sports game ever created. Smackdown 3 and Sports Talk Football don’t even come close to this one. It’s so bad that you’ll play the game less because of it; given that it’s not exactly replayable as it is, that’s not a very good thing.

The premise of NFL Tour’s commentary is that video game announcers are repetitive. So the game makes fun of that by spouting off line after line about how repetitive video game announcers are. Oh boy! What a fabulous idea! Instead of an announcer that just calls the action, let’s have him say things like “Video game announcers are like shampoo. Lather, rinse, repeat.” and “I am video game announcer. Hear me repeat.” And not only have him say these things, but have him repeat them EVERY FIVE SECONDS! I’m sure Trey Wingo, who handles the commentary, is a wonderful person in real life. However, if I ever saw him on the street, I’d probably punch him in the face. This commentary track is just that unbearable.

And it’s not even the endless crap about repetition. Often times, the commentator is so intent on getting in his wisecracks that he’s a play behind the action. He also often fails to accurately describe the action; for example, a throwoff return for a touchdown yields a comment about how the team now has great field position for the next series. Or a team up by 20 scoring a touchdown hears about how that score put them right back into the game. Words really can’t describe how terrible the commentary is. Nothing sets up a crucial fourth down situation like “I think I ate too much pizza.” Or, even better, the announcer talking about how bored he is. Not to mention his insistence on saying things like “First and some yards,” “Third and a SUV,” and “Fourth and a unicycle.” Is this supposed to be edgy? Funny? Who knows. But according to Yahoo! Games, in an “objective” piece about NFL Tour, Wingo’s cringe-inducing commentary represents “the best use of an ESPN personality in an EA game that we’ve seen yet.” God help us if that’s true.
Sound Rating: 1/10

4. Control And Gameplay
One thing that NFL Tour has going for it is that the Madden control schemes are likely ingrained in every player’s head already. The bad part of that is that the controls for NFL Tour are not identical to Madden’s controls. There are subtle differences (for example, jukes are done differently), and then there are two major differences.

The first significant departure from Madden is the passing system. The game defaults to the “Tour” option, in which you press the B button to cycle through receivers and then press A to send it to the desired target. It’s not clear why this is a good option; not only can an opponent see who you’re looking to pass the ball to, but it’s very difficult to get the ball to the right person under pressure. Sure, it might be more arcade-ish this way, but on a controller with eight buttons, it’s not necessary. “Classic” passing, a more traditional (and more effective) three-button system, can also be turned on.

The second, and biggest, change in control has to do with the biggest feature of the game – the “reversal” system. In essence, rather than relying on pre-determined player ratings, EA wanted to make it so the gamer could decide who would win each collision. Timing is the key for reversals; a press of the button at the right time means you break the tackle on offense or stuff the guy on defense. Reversals aren’t offered on every play, which is a good thing, but it seems like when you really need a reversal, your guy goes down without a fight. By default, the game slows down when a reversal is possible, which becomes a problem when you learn to anticipate them and accidentally press the button too early. Slow-motion reversals can be turned off, but it can be difficult to recognize the potential reversal and act accordingly. With reversals, it’s possible to put together some nifty plays – remember that Nike commercial where Steven Jackson fakes out the entire NFL on the way to the end zone? You’ll see tons of plays like that in NFL Tour.

Therein lies the critical flaw of this game. Playing offense can be a blast. You can pretty much run at will on any team without a dominant middle linebacker, reverse out of a good number of tackles, and score on just about any possession in which you don’t throw an interception. However, playing defense is a total bore at best, and thoroughly agitating at worst. Offense is the name of the game, sure, but the defensive side struggles beyond belief. It’s simply not fun, and it certainly isn’t easy. How bad is the defense in NFL Tour? The replacement for Gamebreakers, the “Smash Meter”, is almost impossible to obtain because it’s just too hard to stop the offense. You end up almost praying for your opponent to score just so you can have the ball back. In real football defense is half the battle. But in NFL Tour, defense is a chore you have to endure just to run your cheap offensive plays again. It’s kind of like going to White Castle. I love eating White Castle, but I hate shitting it out the next day. Eventually, you learn you can’t go there all the time. Similarly, in NFL Tour, the defensive side of the game is so tedious that you don’t even want to go through with it, even with the promise of more offense looming.

This becomes a problem when you’re playing in Tour Mode and you have to shut the other team down or you don’t win. In times like these, you call for a blitz and hope you don’t get burned. That’s not football. As much fun as it is to pull off reversal after reversal on offense, it’s extremely frustrating to see that go the other way on defense. Consistency is needed for a quality football game, and NFL Tour lacks that in spades.
Control And Gameplay Rating: 4/10

5. Replayability
You’ll be relieved to know that not everything about this game is awful. In an exhibition game, virtually everything about the game is customizable. The number of points needed to win, the necessary margin of victory, time limits, and bonus points are just some of the options you can choose from to create the game of your choice. While a number of the choices are variations on the same theme, it’s great that you can play this game however you want to.

NFL Tour also provides two mini-games – Smash And Dash and Red Zone Rush. Smash And Dash pits you and an opponent in a sort of rodeo circle, with the goal being to maintain possession of the football for as long as possible. It’s sort of similar to Rushing Attack from the Madden games, only there’s no end zone. Similar to Rushing Attack, Smash And Dash gives out bonus points for reversals and broken tackles. Red Zone Rush is like a shootout in hockey – it’s one-on-one against a defender, with the goal being to beat that defender out and get into the end zone. Each side has five cracks at the end zone, and the player with the most touchdowns wins.

Like NFL Blitz, NFL Tour is a fun multi-player game. The controls are easy enough for a new player to grasp, and it’s fun to trade reversals and big hits with a group of people. Online play is supported, and the standard options are offered.

Ultimately, the person who buys this game is going to play with their friends and play the Tour. And, as stated earlier, Tour Mode makes you a better player, but ultimately kills the game. After beating up on the computer, it’s not as much fun to play with friends who aren’t as experienced. The ability to customize an exhibition game is helpful, but you reach a point with NFL Tour where you can’t turn off your desire for more and more points. At that point, the game stops being enjoyable.
Replayability Rating: 5/10

6. Balance
NFL Tour offers four different difficulty levels, but they all suffer from the same problem – it’s too easy to score, and it’s too hard to stop the other team from scoring. No matter what level you’re playing on, your cheap plays will always work and the computer will always pull a bullshit first down out of its ass on fourth down. These problems can’t simply be solved by changing the difficulty level.

Again, this is the game’s fundamental problem. It’s simply not enjoyable to play defense. Not only can’t opposing teams be stopped in many circumstances, it’s just a pain to wait until the other team scores in order to go back on offense. Both teams will score on almost every possession, so every game is a back-and-forth affair that is usually decided by who’s fortunate enough to get the ball last. Football games should be decided by ability and smarts, not chance. It’s great to score whenever you want, but knowing the other shoe is going to drop within the minute makes for a lousy gaming experience.
Balance Rating: 3/10

7. Originality
We keep hearing about how this isn’t NFL Street. That Yahoo! article I mentioned earlier gushes about how different NFL Tour is from its predecessors. But you know what? The truth is that, beneath all of the window dressing and the new fields and newer, crappier uniforms, NFL Tour plays almost exactly like NFL Street. The goals and flaws of each game are markedly similar. Sure, you get to play as offensive and defensive stars, and you don’t have to throw behind-the-back passes and do stupid tricks anymore, but the game is just too similar to the game everyone hated to begin with.

Most gamers aren’t stupid. They know when they’re being fooled. And anybody who plays this game once will know it’s the same game with newer graphics. At its heart, NFL Tour is no different from NFL Street than the annual roster update seen in the Madden series each year. Unfortunately, all of the talk of a “new attitude” adds up to essentially the same game as NFL Street with just a few new features.
Originality Rating: 2/10

8. Addictiveness
If there’s one thing NFL Tour is not, it’s addictive. Once you’ve played it a handful of times, you’ve pretty much seen everything there is to see. Tour Mode is fairly gripping, but gripping in the way that you just want to get it over with so you don’t have to face any more ridiculous challenges. Once you’re done with the Tour, you’re done with the game. And that’s a good thing. Because once you’ve heard the commentary track for the millionth time and gotten burned for yet another improbable touchdown, you’re going to be so sick of this game that you’ll never want to play it again.

While playing through Tour Mode, I actually asked myself if EA intentionally made this game so bad that nobody would want to play it. I’m still not convinced that they didn’t. But NFL Tour seems to strive toward driving gamers away from playing the game rather than encouraging them to embrace it. The game just frustrates the crap out of you – between the game intros you can’t skip to the cheap gameplay to the atrocious commentary, playing NFL Tour for a prolonged period of time is a sure-fire way to drive yourself crazy. That’s not the way to convince people to buy a game. The hype for NFL Tour insists that they’re targeting casual fans as well as hardcore gamers. Well, it’s pretty safe to say that anybody who plays NFL Tour will be pretty turned off by it.
Addictiveness Rating: 1/10

9. Appeal Factor
Those who hadn’t already been burned by the NFL Street series will likely see this game as a neat idea. It’s NFL football with rules more akin to arena football and a heavy emphasis on scoring. Sounds like something a lot of gamers would want to play, right? Of course. Football fans have been looking for their fix of arcade football since NFL Blitz, and this is the closest they’re going to get. It’s just a shame the game is so God-awful; a lot of people would have been happy with even a decent game.

It’s also a shame because, aside from the game itself, everything else is great. NFL Tour is priced at a very reasonable $39.99 and was released in the middle of the NFL playoffs, when everybody is clamoring for more football action. The promise of arcade-style football only adds to the game’s buzz, and the presentation of the NFL as an event is something that would appeal to a large audience. Even though the game itself is disappointing, it’s still likely to sell well thanks to EA’s timing and marketing ability.
Appeal Factor Rating: 6/10

10. Miscellaneous
If I could think of one word to describe NFL Tour, it’d be “annoying”. Playing defense is annoying. The commentary is annoying. Tour Mode is annoying. The game’s similarities to NFL Street are annoying. Even the premise of the game is marginally annoying, and the game’s ending is just worthless. There shouldn’t be that many annoying things about any game. And yet, people will be roped into buying this game because it’s an NFL title by EA.

It’s not entirely clear what the intentions are with this game. Why does the clock stop after every play? Why is there a stage in one of the end zones that is never used? Why does Tour Mode progress in reverse order of last year’s finish when most of the rosters are drastically different? Why does the game make a point of telling you at one of your tour stops that you don’t get the ball first, but neglected to tell you at an earlier stop where the same rules applied? Why isn’t there a coin toss to determine who gets the ball in overtime? Why doesn’t the game keep stats for your individual players? Why does the game only provide a barely-visible red circle, rather than the player’s name, to indicate your selected player? How is it a good idea to put in a commentary track full of jokes when none of them are funny? There are a lot of unanswered questions about NFL Tour; thankfully, since the game itself isn’t at all inviting, you won’t spend a lot of time pondering these.

You get the impression while playing through this game that EA tried to change the vibe of NFL Street while doing as little work as possible. Very little is different from NFL Street besides the arenas you play in. The commentary probably took about an hour to record. The create-a-player options are extremely limited and, aside from the reversal system, there’s virtually nothing we haven’t already seen before. For all the talk about how much of a different game NFL Tour is, that’s extremely disheartening.
Miscellaneous Rating: 2/10

The Scores
Story: 3
Graphics: 5
Sound: 1
Control and Gameplay: 4
Replayability: 5
Balance: 3
Originality: 2
Addictiveness: 1
Appeal Factor: 6
Miscellaneous: 2
Total Score: 32/100
Final Score: 3.0

Short Attention Span Summary
We should know better than to think EA would actually put in the effort to rejuvenate a struggling franchise. NFL Tour is nothing but NFL Street with prettier graphics and commentary that will make you wish you were deaf. Being able to customize a game any way you want is wonderful, but it’s useless if the game itself isn’t any fun to play. And for an arcade-style game, NFL Tour is simply a boring game to play.

Why the fuss over the name? Because the name is possibly the most important part of the system. The name is the first thing a potential buyer hears, and that first impression goes a long way toward a purchase (or a decision not to purchase). The name will be spoken, written, and screamed by gamers and store owners for five years after it’s announced. It’s got to be catchy, memorable, and able to stand the test of time. Simply put, during the pre-launch period, the name IS the system.

A good name meets all of the above criteria, but also sheds some light on what the system hopes to achieve. And sometimes, a system’s name is so powerful that it gets carried over to the next console cycle. Other times, the system is such a dismal failure that the next system has a totally different name. But in any event, when it comes to video game systems, a name is more than just a name,

Time and perspective have allowed us to break down system names into three distinct groups. One deals with the building of a brand, the second emphasizes technology over marketabilty, and the third is just the opposite of the second.

The Introductory Group
Most developers choose to insert the company name into their first system, thereby comprising the Introductory Group. This group is rather generically titled; however, it also contains two of the biggest systems ever released.

– Nintendo Entertainment System. The NES singlehandedly made the Nintendo Corporation a household name. The combination of affordable hardware, irresistible games, and a killer buzz turned Nintendo into the standard-bearer in video game systems. Nintendo didn’t feel it had to create a snazzy name for its system; instead, it focused on marketing the Nintendo brand, which has proven itself to be an extremely successful maneuver.

– Sega Master System. The Sega Master System had the unenviable task of competing with the NES for the industry’s market share, which was rather small at the time. However, the competition served to benefit Sega in one way, as video game fans began to recognize Sega as a big name in the video game industry. This set the stage for the Genesis to become the industry’s top draw.

– Sony Playstation. Sony has long been successful in creating brands by adding their company name to whatever they’re trying to promote (Sony Trinitron, Sony Vaio, etc.). The Playstation was no different. Sony’s system had been hyped for some time by gaming fans and tech buffs alike, and the public responded by making the Playstation into a juggernaut. In fact, it was so good that the Playstation brand became almost as big as the Sony brand, with the third Playstation on its way.

The Fanboy Group
This group is named as such because the names in this group mention aspects of system hardware that the general public knows very little about. To gamers, though, they’re deal-breakers. As such, these features warrant mentioning in the system’s name.

– Turbo-Grafx 16. NEC decided to buck an unestablished trend by attempting to build the Turbo-Grafx brand instead of promoting NEC as a video game powerhouse. The results weren’t so good, in large part because the industry wasn’t ready for a third system to be competitive. The truth is, most people didn’t care about 16-bit graphics outside of the gaming world. The system’s later attempt to rebrand itself as the TurboDuo failed, and NEC exited the gaming business, albeit with little damage to the company name.

– Nintendo 64. People cared a whole lot more about the first part of the system’s name than the numerical portion. Perhaps this was Nintendo’s attempt to showcase the system’s 64-bit graphical abilities while simultaneously distancing the Nintendo name from the NES system that gamers grew up with. In theory, the company would benefit from prolonged marketability, while gamers would love the system because of its games and its advanced technology. Instead, the Nintendo 64 never reached the heights of the prior Nintendo systems, sending the company into the console slump it currently finds itself in.

The Geometric Group
In today’s era of console development, there’s more than just bringing the best technology and best games to the market. The technology can be there, and it almost always is, but there must also be a sort of hook for the casual audience. Something to wow the unsuspecting consumer and get them thinking about the system not as a game system, but as a must-have device. As a result, the system’s look – and the distinctiveness of that look – is given heightened significance.

– X-Box. Microsoft uses two separate suggestions to convey the overall package of its system. First, the “x-factor” which represents the unknown future, and the “box” calls to mind the notion of many things included in one package, or box. Combining the two, we have unlimited possibilities coming from one box – the X-Box. Call it corny, but it works. You can save games onto that box. You can burn CDs onto that box. You can get awesome graphics from that box. So much has been packed into that box, you don’t even need Microsoft’s brand power to sell it to you.

– Nintendo GameCube. Again, Nintendo tries to allow a brand to stand on its own without having to rely on the N-word. By having a system called “GameCube”, consumers can refer to it by that title without having to preface it with “Nintendo”. The system’s shape was a major marketing point upon release, with mini-disc games being sold for its incredibly small system. However, as remarkable as the system performs in spite of its small stature, maybe it would play even bigger if the Nintendo side of the equation were more prominent. One could make the argument that Nintendo tried a little too hard to create a new identity for itself. This reinvention strategy backfired on Nintendo, with Nintendo perhaps being a victim of its own previous successes with the casual gamer market. After all, without a big-time Mario game at launch, it barely felt like a Nintendo system was launching.

See you next week!!

If you happened to catch the end of any WWF Pay-Per-View from 1984 until 1993 or so, odds are extremely high that the above lyric is ingrained in your head. Also inescapable are the images of Hulk Hogan posing. Maybe he has the belt, maybe he doesn’t. He might even be holding an American flag, depending on who he just beat. But in just about every situation, the fans were getting what they desperately wanted.

But then, times changed.

Suddenly, Hulkamania wasn’t running so wild. The fans had grown tired of the same old stuff and wanted something new. And Vince McMahon, who built his company around the Hulkster, had no idea what to do. Thus began an extensive down period for the WWF that took five years to overcome.

When wrestling became profitable again in the late 1990′s, Vince McMahon wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. Instead of trying to guess what the fans wanted, he set out to deliver a product that demanded the attention of more than just the traditional wrestling audience. He wanted EVERYONE talking about his show the next day. He wanted people who would never follow wrestling to know who his biggest stars were.

And guess what? It worked. Once it worked, Vince didn’t rest on his laurels. He knew that the preferences of the public are quite fickle and, as a result, created new stars to replace those wrestlers that fell out of favor or went on to bigger and better things. Now, Vince is encouraging his stars to enter the motion picture industry, so moviegoers who don’t watch wrestling can be exposed to his talent.

That’s the key to making anything successful – crossing over into other genres. Attracting that which isn’t normally attracted. 50 Cent didn’t sell 9 million copies of “Get Rich Or Die Trying” to hip-hop fans; a large portion of that number was comprised of rock fans, pop fans, and all kinds of other fans. Just the same, The Offspring didn’t sell 8 million copies of “Smash” to punk fans. Both these artists benefited from lucky breaks and their ability to appeal to a broader audience.

Video gaming first blew up in the 1980′s because of its mass appeal. These games weren’t just for computer geeks, they were for EVERYONE. The combination of irrestistible games, affordable hardware, and a positive buzz about gaming made the original Nintendo Entertainment System the must-have gadget of the decade.

Gaming has only become bigger and better since then, in large part due to the stars created in the formative years of video games. Every time Nintendo put out a new system, it put out a killer Mario game that was guaranteed to sell units. Sonic the Hedgehog served Sega extremely well as the company’s mascot during the 1990′s, and Crash Bandicoot became synonymous with Sony’s Playstation.

But then, times changed.

Suddenly, the public soured on their cartoon heroes of the past. Sega’s Dreamcast ended up being the final console the once-dominant company would make. The GameCube found itself the third-best selling console in a market of three. And Sony… well, Sony made it into the 21st century relatively unscathed. How? By making new stars.

And guess what? It worked.

When games like Crash Team Racing weren’t doing so well, Sony always had other tricks in its bag. Jak and Daxter. Ratchet and Clank. Hot Shots Golf. Grand Theft Auto. Games you couldn’t get for other consoles. Blockbuster games that forced you to pay attention to the PS2. It DEMANDED your attention. You had to consider it, even if you saw Sony as the epitome of evil. And even if you did hate Sony, you had to tip your cap toward the empire it created.

Today, Grand Theft Auto is available for X-Box as well. The Jak series has come to an end. And the Playstation 2 is losing ground to the emerging Microsoft juggernaut, with a big-ticket star of its own in Halo. As for Nintendo, there haven’t been any new stars since Pikachu and Charizard created Pokemania in 1999. Nintendo has fallen into a very common trap that many companies have found themselves in – retooling takes precedence over reinventing.

In the modern gaming climate, sequels sell and unproven entities stay on store shelves. It’s very hard to get a new game accepted without the help of an extreme media blitz, which often only serves to hide significant misgivings in the game. This presents the industry with a problem that’s tough to solve. After all, while Rockstar is sitting pretty with the GTA franchise, even the most devout GTA fan doesn’t want to be playing “Grand Theft Auto: Bangor, Maine” in ten years.

So, how to solve this problem? Let’s look at wrestling again. Vince McMahon deserves credit for presenting the public with a new set of faces, but he didn’t create these stars on his own. The people most responsible for making people like Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock larger than life are the fans who supported them on their way up. It took millions of cheers and thousands of t-shirt sales, but eventually the non-wrestling fans were forced to take notice of these two. Once that happened, Vince was able to push them into the stratosphere of stars, thereby making the wrestling business bigger than ever.

Now, The Rock’s a movie star and Stone Cold would like to be one. Vince McMahon, having learned from the past, was ready for life without his biggest players. By the time The Rock left, the torch had been passed to Brock Lesnar. Once Brock left for the NFL, Triple H became the face of the company. Now, John Cena is being groomed for mainstream stardom, with Batista looking to follow Cena’s footsteps.

What about the big names of the gaming industry? Well, there are the usual sports staples, which don’t really count because they’re based on outside factors. After that, there are the Nintendo characters, DDR, GTA, Halo, and that’s about it. What’s going to take the place of GTA once the series runs its course? Given the lack of originality in gaming, it’s going to be tough to find the next big video game franchise.

Want proof? Take a game like Katamari Damacy. Everyone who played it loved it. Got rave reviews from everyone who reviewed it. But does a game like Katamari Damacy get the cover of Game Informer? Not if there’s an uber-hyped, yet inferior game like Fable being released in the same month.

And that’s just the problem we’re talking about. The industry would rather promote something that’s going to sell a lot of units now rather than something that’s going to sell a decent amount of units now, but a lot of units later. That’s the kind of backwards thinking that prevents an industry from growing to its potential, which is exactly what gaming doesn’t need. With the average gamer spending more on video games and consoles each year, something needs to be done, not only to keep these gamers happy, but to justify these costs to the non-gamers necessary to expand gaming’s overall market share.

Do you think Vince McMahon decided to make Steve Austin the 1996 King of the Ring because it would result in big ratings the following night on Raw? Of course not! Vince did it because he saw something in Austin that could develop into a phenomenon. Something special, something that he could rebuild the industry around. And he did just that. The video game industry, on the other hand, needs to give some potential hit games the same chance to shine. If not, get ready to pre-order “Grand Theft Auto: Bangor, Maine” for its 2015 release date.

I got a decent amount of crap from people who felt that NHL ’95, Madden ’95, and the Street Fighter Anniversary Collection for X-Box wasn’t the best allocation of $50. But many more people thought that it was pretty awesome. And I’m inclined to agree. There’s just something about these games that make them great, even ten years later, that today’s offerings simply don’t have.

Lately, one concept has been constantly on my mind when it comes to video games – the things that make people fall in love with gaming. The one thing that keeps coming back to me is showing people things they haven’t seen before. That’s why so many great games have been bizarre concepts that became surprise hits with gamers for reasons they don’t even understand. That’s why a sizable number of people spurn modern gaming in favor of retrogaming – while realism sells games today, imagination is what hooks people to begin with.

I brought the plug-and-play device to my Saturday night poker game and it became an instant conversation piece. And while only a few of us had played NHL 2004, EVERYONE had played NHL ’95. Even people who have never followed hockey owned this game for their Genesis growing up. And like 30-somethings discussing high school, each of us had their own memory about the NHL series.

For example, I always favored NHL ’95 because it had awesome gameplay and a full season mode. Brian T liked NHL ’96 better because the game moved faster. Ranger fan Schiff thought it was funny that the Islanders were called “Long Island” in NHLPA ’93 because EA couldn’t use the real team names. These quirky things might seem kind of strange to someone who didn’t grow up with these games, and that’s a point worth noting.

You see, for better or worse, the new generation of older sports games don’t seem to have the same nostalgic value as the originals do. Maybe it’s because after you play a series for ten years, the formative years stick out and the middle ones don’t seem to matter. Perhaps today’s generation will grow up with a soft spot for NHL 2001 and develop retro-hatred for NHL 2000. But it’s just not the same, because it seems silly to hate Version 9 when Version 10 is essentially the same game. And the way some non-sports series are going, the rest of gaming is headed down a very similar path.

You can pop in GTA3 now and still enjoy it. Odds are good that you will still be able to in five years because it was probably your introduction to the series. But will, say, GTA: San Andreas be a great source of nostalgia in 2010? Maybe not. That’s because at a certain point, the game stops being original and instead just tinkers with a format. The GTA franchise may have already hit that point; if not, it’s well on its way.

The original NHL games, in retrospect, were great because they didn’t give everything away immediately. It took EA five years to create a hockey game with all the features we currently take for granted. In the first one, you only had the real teams. In NHLPA ’93, you only had real players. In NHL ’94, you had both, but no season mode. In NHL ’95, you had real players, real teams, and a full season, but no fighting. And once they put it all together, the individual games stopped being memorable. That’s a major reason why these games are so memorable – because they DIDN’T have it all, yet were monumental achievements in gaming nonetheless.

Today, there’s such an emphasis on reality that anything short of one hundred percent realism is a disappointment. There’s very little margin for error and very little slack given by the gaming community. When the technology wasn’t caught up to reality, people were willing to accept things for what they were. So even if the new sports game didn’t have commentary or even real teams, they were able to see past that and enjoy playing the game anyway. Today, that’s just not possible. If Sega decided to make Sega Football 2K6 with no real teams or players and tried to charge $40 for it, nobody would buy it. In 1995, people might have taken a chance to see the quality of the football that Sega offered. Not in 2005, where if it’s not real, it’s not worth the investment of time or money.

Video gaming finds itself with a serious dilemma, and it’s nobody’s fault. Sometimes, I think the industry sees gaming as an extension of real life, rather than the escapist hobby it once was. It just seems like people play games just to beat them, rather than enjoy the hell out of them. And it also seems like people are too critical and cynical to appreciate something they’ve never seen before, especially if it doesn’t conform to their particular ideal of what gaming “should” be like. Today’s idea of imagination seems to mean imaginative ways to express reality, which is pretty depressing in its own right.

Call me crazy, but I’ll play NHL ’95 over NHL 2005 anyday, and that’s not just because NHL 2005 was a half-assed steaming pile of crap that was a terrible excuse for a hockey game. I choose NHL ’95 because it reminds me of the days when playing hockey on a video game system was a new and exciting phenomenon. It wasn’t a quest for perfection; instead, it was just a fun way to spend a few hours. The game was far from flawless, but the time spent playing it was priceless. And you know what? It still is.

Somewhere over the last ten years. people have forgotten that there’s more to gaming than graphics, gameplay, and sound. There’s an atmosphere about gaming that’s present for the really great gaming moments, and guess what? It’s not there when someone’s playing a game with a strategy guide wide open, just so he or she can beat it and move on to the next game. The great games mean something more to those playing them. That’s why RPG players are so into the games they play, because they feel like they’re a part of it. That’s why people who can’t remember how to spell their middle names can fondly recall the first time they won the Super Bowl in Madden. And that certain atmosphere is why so many gamers can cast aside the visual beauty of today’s games in favor of the escape to the days of youthful innocence they get by playing the games they grew up with.