Inside Pulse 12

Review: Angry Bunnies: Colossal Carrot Crusade (Wii U)

Angry Bunnies: Colossal Carrot Crusade
Developer: Cypronia
Publisher: Cypronia
Genre: Adventure/Action (read as: puzzle)
Release Date: 09/25/2014

The world is a pretty magical place, you guys. Sometimes the same ideas are just plucked out of the ether by distinct parties in instances of synchronicity. This occurrence in science is called “Multiple Discovery”. With multiple discovery, you get all sorts of strange coincidences, such as Sir Isaac Newton and Gottfried Wilhelm Liebniz each inventing calculus independent of the other. The universe called for calculus and two people picked up the phone!

This is certainly the case here in Angry Bunnies: Colossal Carrot Crusade. It is almost exactly the same game as the ubiquitous Angry Birds. I’m pretty sure Angry Birds just launched a version of their game for eXistenz. I should be fair though; the games aren’t identical. Discounting the huge change of IRDS to UNNIES, there are other massive differences between these two games. I mean, the art AB:CCC isn’t as good, and the gameplay isn’t as polished, and it has a few more bugs, and the puzzles aren’t nearly as interesting or challenging, but think of the amazing coincidences at play! Truly it is proof of a divine hand in the universe. Angry Birds comes out, becomes a cultural phenomenon that spawns everything from card games to snow caps, and all of a sudden, a mere four or five years later, here comes a game that is a near duplicate called Angry Bunnies Colossal Carrot Crusade.

I mean, it’s spooky right?

Sure, it lacks even the most basic storyline and characterization of those pesky birds. And sure I couldn’t tell one bunny from the next. Actually, I couldn’t even tell that I was supposed to be flinging my birds bunnies into foxes for the first 20 levels or so. I just thought I had to knock everything down. But then I saw the majestic fox heads that resemble a noble piece of hastily slapped together clipart. Then I knew that I had seen the face of my mortal enemy, and my other mortal enemy, that same clipart scaled up 200 percent.

So to shoot out the bunnies, some other bunny pumps up a pneumatic gun of some sort that functions almost exactly like, I don’t know, a catapult. In lieu of pulling back, you use the stylus in front of the gun to aim the bunny launch. Honestly, I was at level 24 when I realized that the amount of times the bunny pumps doesn’t matter; it’s how far forward you hold the stylus. The first 23 levels of the game were beaten with the complicated strategy of hitting the Lincoln logs somewhere in the front.

Similar to Angry Birds, some of the bunnies have special abilities. Dissimilar to Angry Birds, I have no idea how these things are supposed to work or be controlled. I know that one bunny has the power to spin around wildly after he hits a target. I never know where he is going to go, or if anything that I do has any power over him. I know that another bunny has the power of being morbidly obese. Most of the bunnies have the power, according to my daughter, of looking like ugly robots. (She says the foxes look like stamps you’d get from a bucktooth truck stop waitress in Wichita, Kansas who has a drunken abusive boyfriend whom she thinks is going to change once they have kids. But one day, he’ll go too far and put her in the hospital. This will set off a chain of events wherein the waitress’s brother punches the boyfriend out. The boyfriend lands all awkwardly, then ends up with his head caved in. Now he stutters when he talks and can’t remember how to put on socks. So, he can’t take care of himself and the waitress feels responsible and spends the last twenty years of her life taking care of a man she realizes she never even loved. Then the waitress dies of butt herpes. For an eleven year old, that kid of mine has an active imagination.)

So, anyway, I don’t know if I can recommend this game. It’s an inferior version of a game I was tired of playing in 2011. I’m not going to call Angry Bunnies a rip-off, or a knockoff, or a clone, or a shameless piece of trash, or a cheap counterfeit, or a pointless and questionable unlicensed remake. I’m not going to do that for one simple reason. What if time isn’t linear? If time really is a flat circle who is to say that Angry Birds isn’t ripping them off?

With that in mind, I’m going to work on my next project entitled Super Antonio Bros.

Short Attention Span Summary
Angry Bunnies: Colossal Carrot Crusade is the Asylum films version of Angry Birds.