We’re finally here! The season finale of The Tester 3! Am I excited to find out who wins? Not so much. My enthusiasm is to finally put this whole thing behind me. I may never forgive myself for deciding to write a column on each episode. I guess I forgot how nauseous this show can make me. I can’t stop watching though, which scares me more than I care to admit.
Anyways, we’re down to the final three! As usual, only one contestant has any business winning, but that doesn’t me he will. I’m sure Santa Monica Studios were crossing their fingers in hopes that Reality Palez wouldn’t end up anywhere near them. I certainly wouldn’t want an arrogant prick like that as a coworker. The clear front runner is Akilleez. He’s even military, so that makes him even more special in their eyes. Last episode, you could see how badly the judges wanted him to win. Krysti? We don’t even need to talk about her. She doesn’t matter.
So who wins? Who gets embarrassed? Do I manage to avoid vomiting while watching the show? Let’s find out!
1. The three finalists start off in amazement they have made it to the final three. The grand prize is so close, and the “dream job”Â almost in their grasps. It isn’t long before they get a message that congratulates them on making it this far. Oh, and Brent and Adrianne are showing up for breakfast. It’s the usual small talk. Most of it involves what the winner will be giving up to move to California for the job. Reality would be leaving school, most likely to the chagrin of his parents. Akilleez says he’s used to moving, what with having been stationed in Japan. The judges get a little starry eyed when he talks of being in the military. Krysti is apparently giving up nothing. That’s kind of sad really. The judges throw out a little last minute advice, and leave them to get ready for the final challenge.
2. The finalists get dressed up in camo, as per usual, get driven out to the desert. There, they’re quickly tied to some posts and left to wait for the challenge to begin. Meredith shows up to congratulate them once again and explain the rules. It seems this final is meant as a marketing tool for Starhawk, as each of four “levels”Â in the final challenge is meant to be inspired by the upcoming game. The winner is…well…the winner! A new prize is added though. The winner already gets a car, but now they get two free years of auto insurance on the car. That’s actually pretty damn cool, as I expect the insurance on that sucker wouldn’t be something an intern could handle all that well.
3. Level 1 is simple. They start tied up and need to get free. Then they need to navigate a rope course by going over, under, and around a small wooden structure. I’ve seen this kind of thing on Survivor a bunch, though this is the friendly version to be honest. Once they get free of the course, they run up a hill to get to a waiting truck, which will carry them to level 2. The show then takes a brief time out to tell us how awesome the truck is. I’m sorry, but I don’t think the kind of people who watch The Tester are looking for a great off roading vehicle. Know your audience!
4. Akilleez and Krysti are the first to break free and get onto the course, but both struggle with the path. All three of them are working on it. The producers try to make this look tense, but really the contestants just look silly. Akilleez is the first to break through, as I’m sure his military training helped him. He certainly had more hustle than the other two. He makes short work of the hill, and gets in the truck.
5. Level 2 is pretty simple as well. The get driven around in the truck and need to spot and remember symbols. These are the various symbols on the XMB of PS3. Once they get dropped off, they need to arrange the symbols in order. The driver is pretty nuts, performing donuts and kicking up one hell of a dust storm. They never show the driver though, which makes the whole thing kind of eerie. Akilleez gets to work. Meanwhile, Reality finished the rope course ahead of Krysti, and she eventually finishes as well.
6. Reality gets to the symbols before Akilleez can finish. He gets the correct order quickly, putting Akilleez into a bit of a funk. Things get worse when Krysti shows up and also finishes before him. For whatever reason, the contestants don’t seem to be able to go through the driving course again, which is silly. It makes getting the answer almost a crap shoot. I think a better challenge would involve them having to go through the course again every time they get it wrong. This just seems lazy.
7. On to level 3! There are about a hundred blue containers strewn about. The goal here is to run out, grab a canister, smash it open, and hopefully find puzzle pieces. Solve the puzzle, and you’ll be able to figure out a code to open a box. I’m left wondering what exactly these challenges have to do with Starhawk. Speaking of which, we go to commercial break! There’s an actual Starhawk commercial!
8. We’re back. Akilleez finally gets the code, and all three are working on level 3. Reality finally gets his pieces, but they show Krysti working on the puzzle as well. I have no idea when that happened. It shows how much I’m really paying attention. Anyway, the puzzle turns into a series of three questions. “How many God of War games have there been?”Â, “How many targets did you shoot in the Uncharted challenge?”Â, and “The PS3 came out in 200X?”Â. I wonder if they’re going to trip them up by counting God of War: Betrayal, which was a dismal cell phone game. I guess not. The target question was the trick question. Everyone answers five, but the trick is that they each only had to shoot one. Krysti gets this first, unlocks the box, and gets a Sixaxis controller for her efforts. She heads off.
9. Akilleez gets it before long, and Reality brings up the rear. They’re all being driven in Santa Monica traffic. It’s turning night now, which is boggling. This challenge can’t have take that long. They must have started much later than they let on. Anyways, level 4 involves completing seven objectives in Starhawk. It looks like the beginning of the game to be honest. Akilleez and Reality are behind, so they take more risks, which gets Reality killed, effectively taking him out of the competition.
10. There’s a lot of playing, piped in tension. The works. In the end, Akilleez wins, as he should. He’s showered in confetti and the judges hand out extremely muted congratulations. I know they wanted him to win, so why the lack of enthusiasm. Unless…they KNEW he was going to win. Conspiracy theorists, get ready, I’m about to blow your mind. What if they made the final challenge easier for him? Huge stuff right? Imagine the ramifications if a reality show that awards unimportant people with a pedestrian job was rigged? The whole world would suffer!
Overall, I felt the final challenge was pretty lame. There was too much luck involved in the middle two sections, and the predictable winner won. There was at least some surprise last year when Gaymer stole victory form Scooter. Where’s the drama? This is what you get from D-List reality television. Oh well. It’s been somewhat enjoyable writing these recaps. I may continue the trend next year should there be a Tester 4. Until then, I’ll get back to reviewing casual PC titles until I can get a replacement PS3. So long!
What Video Game Release for January 2014 are you most excited for?
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