(“Warning: The following has been rated M for mature language, disturbing images and general retardation and should not be viewed by anyone. Ever.”Â)
Hello again. It’s me. Bebito Jackson. Greetings. Welcome to yet another edition of Cracked Out VideoGame Vids, a column dedicated to the degenerative outcasts of society. You know, the kind of people that laughed at the movie Titanic when the ship was sinking and people bounced off the propellers on the way down. Heh.
Today’s episode is devoted to the pursuit of knowledge. I plan to find the answers to all things that I have as of yet to understand. What better way to gain all the information my feeble mind yearns than to check for gaming related videos on the internet? After all, if they don’t have the answers then what will?
“What about the Bible, Bebito?”Â
Spoken as a person who doesn’t know the question.
You see, my first inquiry is something that’s been bothering me for a long time. Furries. Seriously what the blood clot are those? Alex Lucard, the overly arrogant yet charming owner of Diehard GameFAN, talks about them as though they are the most vile, deplorable, crazed, backward thing a human being can be a part of. I know it involves some costumes and fanfic and drawings or something like that, but I’d like the specifics.
Well, whenever I have questions about such things I always turn to my good friend Sonic the Hedgehog. He’s taught me so much. Like how to run. How to run faster. How to run even faster. And how to make crap games while still selling millions of copies (Mario does it with good games; I think Sonic’s accomplishment is far more impressive). So let’s see what my idol, my favorite gaming mascot, my go to man Sonic has to say on the matter…
Sonic. What are Furries?
Ummm… wow. Well, now I know. Thanks Sonic!
Man. Is that really what furries are? I mean cuz… dear god.
Because that’s disturbing, right? Nah, that can’t be real. People actually getting aroused from… I mean… what the freak man? No, that can’t be right. I need to look into this.
Ok… search engine, keyword “Furries”. Let’s see what we get.
…….what …….the …….blood clot?? I mean, the first three seconds of that video alone is disturbing. But then you get close-ups of everybody and they’re all dressed in those eerie soulless outfits just staring into the camera and everyone’s standing around smiling and giggling… IT’S NOT FUNNY. Understand that’s only one vid that popped up when I did the search; it’s the tamest thing I could find. I mean do you people know what yiffing is?? DO YOU??? And what do you mean a lot of em’ are Sonic fans? Like me???? No. God no. Just really, please, please God no.
Come on Bebito. Compose yourself.
Moving… moving right along another question I always wondered is if the Muppets could ride bicycles if there weren’t any strings holding them up. I’m pretty sure this next video will answer…
Ok, I can’t do this. The images are stuck in my head now. Do you have any idea of how many sex orgy cartoon pictures of squirrels I’ve just seen? How many people dry humping bunny rabbits, turtles, wolfs and carrots. It’s… it’s… I’m sorry. I have to end it. I can’t do it. Here’s a random vid of Princess Peach whoring herself out in the Mushroom Kingdom to take us out. As bad and messed up as this is, it’s still less disturbing than furries. I mean, God.
People out there sodomizing each other in animal outfits?? Really???
Bebito is a devoted Sega fan that is unhealthy obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog. He has worked in video game journalism since 1999 and has worked as both Editor in Chief and Director of Marketing & Public Relations for the gaming divisions of 411mania.com and Inside Pulse. He’s wacky. He makes many misguided attempts at humor. He's the greatest, sexiest, most endowed, most intelligent and humblest member of the staff. And he’s a long time fan of the original Diehard Gamefan.