Cracked Out VideoGame Vids: Shadow the Hedgehog Kills Kittens

(“Warning: The following has been rated M for mature language, disturbing images and general retardation and should not be viewed by anyone. Ever.”)

Greetings. I’m Bebito Jackson. And welcome to Cracked Out VideoGame Vids. Today we’ve got another group of non-exclusive, definitely-before-seen, possibly derivative mish-mash of videos for your viewing pleasure.

So let’s see what we have on the plate… ah, yes. Shadow the Hedgehog. What a piece of epic fail. I don’t just mean the game; I mean him as a character and everything that has to do with him.

Before I get too far into the bashing let me give you some background. I am a Sonic the Hedgehog fan. Some would say fanatic. Not only Sonic, but the Sonic Team development studio in general. Let me put it this way. If someone were to crap in an empty box, then piss in it, then let their dog crap in it, and piss in it, then stuff in the AIDS virus, and genital herpes, and then let it sit out in the sun for 10 days before finally dropping it off at my house? As long as it had the Sonic Team logo on the upper right hand corner I’d proclaim it as one of the greatest games of our generation just before gleefully stuffing the contents into my gaming console.

Take all that in? Now try and understand what it would take for me to say that the game Shadow the Hedgehog is a gigantic pile of flaming eye bleed inducing fecal matter. His game sucks. He sucks. His game sucks. And he sucks. I think I covered all the bases.

Really, though I understand what they were shooting for. Let’s come up with a dark anti-hero version of Sonic. A yin to his yang. I get it. But the problems are three fold. First, Shadow isn’t cool. He’s a giant emo douche bag. Always feeling sorry for himself, always confused, and always whining. Shut up! Maria died! Get over it!

The second problem is Sonic already has a dark version of himself that near everyone loves. Metal Sonic. Give him a game. Watch the sales rack up for that baby.

And third, guns should not be used by anyone in a Sonic game. If you’re a robot you get a pass. If you’re flying a plane, you get a pass. If you’re playing as Robotnik himself (that’s right, RO-BOT-NIK; screw that Eggman crap), you get a pass. But if you’ve got any type of fur? NO GUNS. Spin dash him. Punch them. Swipe one of your tails at them. Throw a freaking Chao at them, I don’t care. Just don’t grab a pistol and run around shooting people like a coked up retard.

But after seeing this vid taken from The Sonic Show I’m sure you’ll agree that the problem with the original Shadow the Hedgehog is that they didn’t go far enough. They really needed to push the limits and I think that’s exactly what they’re going for with the sequel.

Best part of that vid? The news reporter calling the bad guys the “Neo Nazi Crack Dealing Serial Killer Gang”. Hahahahahaha… Oh how I wish the names of gangs really were that awesome.

Now let’s be honest. If they made a sequel to Shadow the Hedgehog and it looked or played anywhere near like that? We’d all buy that badboy. Bad camera angles, wonky collision detection, stupid storyline and all. Give me the ability to drop nuclear war heads on small inhabited cities along with a couple of woodland creatures and you’ve earned my dollar.

What’s that? Too violent? Oh come on, a little violence here and there never hurt anybody……

….wait. That might have made absolutely no sense. What I meant to say is if that display of vicious brutal behavior somehow damaged your retinas I apologize. Here watch this. It’s gone viral and is certifiably the cutest kitten video ever seen, literally of all time. No, I’m serious. Next to this all other cute kitten videos are like watching Whoopi Goldberg scissor with Oprah Winfrey while Rosie O’Donnell farts in the background crapping on a sofa.

You’re smiling aren’t you? Of course you are.

I could watch that vid all day. I must have about five times just while writing this. Kittens do that to you. So do bunnies, small puppies, and certain Pokemon. They’re just so adorable.

But of course me being me I can’t let the column end without making you all feel just the smallest bit uncomfortable and or disturbed. So let’s watch this…

Hahahahahahahaha… aww, man. See you guys next week.

Cheers!