Cracked Out VideoGame Vids: Don’t F**k With the Battletoads

(“Warning: The following has been rated M for mature language, disturbing images and general retardation and should not be viewed by anyone. Ever.”)

Oh! Hello there. I’m Bebito Jackson. Greetings. Seeing as how most of you could care less about who I am and where I’m from, I’ll skip the life story in lieu of telling you exactly what this is. Welcome to Cracked Out VideoGame Vids. Ever watch WebSoup? No, I don’t either because it sucks. Ever watch TOSH.O? It’s basically an internet video clip show. Well, that’s what this is plus videogames, minus talent, plus me, minus actual effort, plus a monkey.

Today’s very first column will be… “feh.” Don’t get me wrong, in a few weeks we’ll be rocking your world but it’s the first column; nothing comes right out of the gate and blows your mind the very first time you see it. Well, stand corrected, the first episode of Alf was pretty freaking incredible. But think of NewsRadio. Was it that great right from the get go? No. It took time to gather some momentum and then it became the raging powerhouse of awesomeness that, thanks to my Netflix membership, I’ll be able to enjoy on my PS3 for years to come (and if you don’t know what NewsRadio is, please hit the back button on your browser because I don’t like you and I don’t want you reading my column). Just stay calm and keep the expectations right where they belong. Nice n’ low.

Besides, this is probably less a column and more me posting a random game video of what I found online while pretending not to look up naughty fetish pictures of questionable age Asian girls. A word of warning though kids; nothing here is edited. I myself do not curse because I think it’s for the weak minded and those with underdeveloped vocabularies. But the vids are left uncensored because I don’t give a crap. So kids! Don’t let your parents see you reading this. They might take your laptop away! I’m just kidding they won’t care. Most parents are horrible at parenting anyway and you’ll go right back to playing your Grand Theft Autos and Mortal Kombats. They’ll probably be relieved that you’re not looking at porn, which you most likely will after you’re done reading this.

So let’s see. What do we have first? Ah. Battletoads. That game flippin’ ruled. But Jesus Christ, it was FREAKING HARD as BALLS. And not scrotum balls but more like wrecking balls or balls made of adamantium. The game was just plain ole not easy, making it equally frustrating as it was fun. It was so addicting though. Bill O’Reilly sucks at it, but he keeps playing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iQUmipv-IG0

Whoa. Settle down Bill. Sheesh, it’s just a game.

That vid makes me smile every time I see it.

I personally played Battletoads a billion or so times. And I never beat it. But who has? No one, that’s who. No, don’t correct me. No one has finished a game of Battletoads. Ever.

Thinking for a moment, the Battletoads themselves are so awesome you’d believe you’d have an easier time playing. I mean they’re able to make their feet grow to half the size of your screen as they kick someone in the face flying them clear off of the tv. These guys ain’t no joke and that fact was obviously the inspiration for the song/music video you’re about to see. I don’t know who these guys are and I barely care (I will look into it later) but I will take a moment to say they have produced something special in that of this video. Please note, there are several songs in this vid but it’s only necessary to hear the first one because it rules and beyond that it’s a bunch of garbled nonsense. Please enjoy today’s feature presentation.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jnv_zlcvFYA

Tight right? I so got the first part of that song stuck in my head. “Cause we’re the BATTLETOADS! (We’re the Battletoads). W-W-W-W-W-We’re the Battletoads.” Ahhhh, those guys rule.

What do you mean you could barely understand half of it? Of course you can’t. It’s rap music. No one understands rap music. Not even the rappers. It’s true. It’s true because I’m black and I’m telling you it’s true.

Well anyway, that’s it. Finished. Yes people. That short. That’s how this is going to work. I post one or two videos that amuse me and you watch them for brief entertainment value. If you don’t like them well I don’t know what to tell you; there’s always that bottle of lotion sitting next to you and your right hand seems to be accessible, so as long as you’re online put two and two together and you’ll forget about this column soon enough. If you liked this, then see you next time and we’ll see if we can keep this train wreck going for another week.

Cheers!

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