Hey there kiddies! It’s your old pal, Mr. J! Now, I hear there’s rumors of the big, bad Bat having himself a new video game. Well, don’t believe the hype, as I always say! Or is it believe the hypnosis? Anyway, the game comes in two varieties, normal and “Collector’s” editions. I went ahead and unboxed the Collector’s Edition for you, so you don’t have to. Whee!
Harley, bring me my smashin’ hammer! The good one!
Anyway, here’s my top ten reasons on why you kids these days should get off my lawn. Or ignore the Collector’s Edition. Either way, let the countdown begin!
10. Look at the size of that thing! Here’s two pictures of it. First by itself, and then with the Halo 3: Cat Helmet next to it for scale. It’s huge! I bet Batman couldn’t even lift it without getting a hernia! This thing isn’t going to fit on my DVD rack! It’s not even going to fit on my mantle, next to all the dead Robin masks!
And now with the helmet!
9. It comes with a Batarang based on the game’s design! That’s just not safe. You little whippersnappers could hurt yourselves tossing it around… wait, what do you mean you can’t separate it from the base? Well, that just stinks. Stinks, I say! Worse than Croc’s underwear before laundry day. Still, I guess it looks cool, but I’ve got enough of those saved up from near misses, I don’t need another.
8. It’s got a sticker of Batman’s little tiny bat-symbol, along with the code for a downloadable level. Hell, everyone I know loves stickers, but they throw away the back of them before they get to the good stuff. No one’s going to keep that!
7. What’s this? Didn’t I tell you henchmen to keep the Arkham Administrator’s book hidden?
Harley, fetch me my henchmen gun!
This beautiful little medical journal, bound in leather with a two-button strap, violates all kinds of HIPA laws! You’re not allowed to just give away health care knowledge! Think of all the people who are going to know just how crazy little Eddie Nigma is! There is a decent bit of information on most of Bat-brain’s most notorious villains in here, and all of them with their new, fancy outfits. And it’s even got your bio here! I’d say you’ve gained a few pounds… stop eating pudding after heists!
What? It’s a reason. I never said they had to be good ones. Hee hee!
5. Two. Five… two. 52! 52! Fifty-two parallel universes walk into a bar, then the Anti-Monitor blows up half of them with Anti-matter…or something. And then a Flash dies! Or comes back. I’m so confused.
Harley! Get my Encyclopedia of Dead Sidekicks!
4. Seriously, this thing’s big!
That’s what she said!
3. Why the heck is it a Collector’s Edition anyway? Is there a market for this guys-in-tights junk? How many super hero games are out there that you can collect? Did Wolverine come with a giant claw? Did the Superman games come with a chunk of radioactive material that robbed you of your powers? Oh, I guess they did. It was called the GAME DISC. ZING!!!!
2. No plastic case! This thing comes with a “digi-sleeve,” whatever that is. It lacks all of the bullet and knife stopping power of those normal video game cases that are all the rage these days. What is this, an attempt to be green?
1. A Behind the Scenes disc to go with the game disc. Look at those things! They look like reels of old audio-recordings, the type that keep getting brought out every time I get to do a little relaxing at the Asylum. My pretty face isn’t anywhere on them! I mean, come on, I’m the reason we’re all here, aren’t I? Booga booga boo!
Let’s be serious for a moment, shall we? This Collector’s Edition is one of the biggest, coolest things I’ve ever gotten with a game. At $99.99, it’s a good deal cheaper than the Cat Helmet Edition or the night-vision version of Modern Warfare 2. If you’re a bat-fan, pick it up. You’ll thank me.
Who, medication kicked in there for a minute! What’s going on? Who are you? Why so serious? Ah ha ha ha AH HA HA HA HA HA HAH A HAH HAH HAH AHEE HA HA HAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa…
Tags: Arkham Asylum, Collector's Edtion, humor, Unboxing