Outboxed: The Premiere of Season TWO!

Now with 6 percent more Chaos


Welcome to the second season of Outboxed. A lot has changed since last season. Your loving host, ML Kennedy, has written a square Nintendo DS review. It resulted in a whirlwind of fame and fortune, wherein he was invited to high-end parties for internet video game reviewers. Let me tell you something, they are the black tie and tux crowd, through and through. Your adoring narrator had cocktail weenies and canapes with Seanbaby and tangoed with James Rolfe. Kennedy doesn’t normally dance with men, but there were no women in sight. This thing made the subsequent bacchanalia a little awkward. It is worth stating that despite the lack of female companionship, there was no deficit of titties.

So it goes.

**********

Allow me to introduce Hector Nye Smithe. He works as a door to door peanut salesman throughout the rust belt. It’s a fulfilling career, though it does have an unusually high suicide rate. The law now requires him to carry no less than four syringes of epinephrine whilst peddling his legumes. Hector has only given one potential customer an injection. As it turns out, she wasn’t having an allergic reaction to the peanuts.

She was just ugly.

Hector sent the following email to Ubisoft, enquiry number 47913443:

Customer (Hector Smithe)
05/29/2008 04:03 PM

I was hoping perhaps to strike a deal, regarding the follow up to Red Steel. Could I maybe “Raiders of the Lost Ark” those sword wielders you fight at a bench mark? Why can’t I just shoot them? I’ve got a gun! Bullets are much quicker in the long run.

I think it would help me feel empowered. I’m fine losing points acting a coward. In the end, I want to hang onto life; I’ll shoot me a man whose holding a knife. I’m perfectly inclined t’wards dispensing, both of the swords and all of this fencing.

Thank you very much for your assistance in finding the path of least resistance.

Ubisoft had little to say in return.


Response (Jason)
05/29/2008 06:47 PM

Thank you for contacting Ubisoft Technical Support. Unfortunately, the issue you are having is related to general gameplay hints and tips that is either covered in the manual, or is available via another source such as the Ubisoft forums (http://www.ubi.com/US/Community/ForumBrowser.aspx).

You may be able to find hints, tips, and walkthroughs for this game for free by visiting fan led websites such as http://www.gamefaqs.com and http://www.ign.com.

Hector spent the next 3 hours searching for the manual to Red Steel 2, but as it turns out, they don’t make game manuals for games that don’t yet exist.

Life is unfair.

**********

Max Renn has had a lot of troubles lately. He’s been trying to extend his life electronically for several years now. One wonders why he is obsessed with this thing as he is only 25 years old. He sent the following e-mail to Blizzard while listening to Blondie’s “Plastic Letters”.


From: Max Renn
To: wowtech@blizzard.com
Date: May 29, 2008 2:36 PM
Subject: I am interested in your product.

Forgive my impetuousness if this email has ended up in the wrong hands, but your game interests me as I am searching for means to a new life. I have heard many good things about the World of Warcraft, but remain tentative to purchase this thing.

Is it truly a doorway to the new flesh? It has long been my fascination. I am willing to turn myself over to the new flesh, but have met with much disappointment in the past. Virtual reality was not the new flesh; at the very least, it is not yet the new flesh.
Is Warcraft the answer?
Does Warcraft afford me the new flesh?

We here at Outboxed often find ourselves captivated by auto-responses. They are amazing things. They’re instantaneous! Plus, they use so may words to say so little! We love auto-responses!

Go ahead and read the marvel that is the auto-response. It manages, in just over 700 words, to say that Blizzard may or may not send me an email. So for those keeping score, it takes Blizzard 118 paragraphs to say the same thing that not sending an e-mail would’ve accomplished.

From: donotreply@blizzard.com
To:
CC:
Subject: World of Warcraft Technical Support
Date: Thu, 29 May 2008 13:40:18 -0700

Thank you for emailing World of Warcraft Technical Support! This is
an automated response to let you know we have received your message.
Please do not reply to this email; a response to your message will be
sent to you as soon as possible. Normal email response time is less
than 24 hours (holidays may generate further delays). Our normal
business hours are Monday through Friday, 8am to 8pm Pacific Time.

In the meantime, we offer other forms of support that are available
to you while you wait for a response to your email.

=====================================================
Website Support:

A wide variety of technical support solutions are available on our
web site at: http://www.blizzard.com/support/wow

The World of Warcraft Technical Support website is constantly being
updated with new information!

=====================================================

=====================================================
Latin-America Spanish Beta for World of Warcraft information:

Please note that currently all support for this Beta test is being
performed on the official forum at:
http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/board.html?sid=2&forumId=20001

At this time we are unable to provide assistance with the Beta over
email or live phone support. For more details please view the FAQ
page at:

http://www.worldofwarcraft.com/downloads/languagepack-es.xml

=====================================================

=====================================================
Forum Support:

You can also check out our World of Warcraft Technical Support Forum
for assistance from other players and Blizzard representatives. The
World of Warcraft Technical Support Forum is monitored by our
Technical Support representatives during normal business hours.

World of Warcraft Technical Support Forum:
http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/board.html?forumId=11110&sid=1
=====================================================

=====================================================
Server Status Forum:

If you cannot log-on to World of Warcraft or continuously getting
disconnected from your realm, you may want to check the Realm Status
Forum for any updated information regarding your realm at:
http://forums.worldofwarcraft.com/board.html?forumId=11113&sid=1
=====================================================

=====================================================
Live Technical Phone Support:

If you wish to talk to a live Technical Support Representative via
phone, please contact us at: (949) 955-1382

Live support is offered Monday through Friday 8am to 8pm Pacific
Time, excluding holidays. This form of support is offered at no cost
to you from Blizzard Entertainment; though long-distance charges from
your phone company may still apply.
=====================================================

=====================================================
Automated Phone Support:

Our Automated Phone Support will also have a wide variety of
technical support solutions. You can reach our Automated Phone
Support at: (949) 955-1382

This is provided 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
If you call during regular business hours (Monday-Friday, 8am-8pm
Pacific Time), you may access the Automated Phone Support by dialing
(949) 955-1382, then pressing 1 when you hear the message. If you
call after hours, you may access the Automated Phone Support by
dialing (949) 955-1382, then waiting a moment for it to connect you
automatically. This form of support is offered at no cost to you
from Blizzard Entertainment; though long-distance charges from your
phone company may still apply.
=====================================================

=====================================================
Account Name and Password Recovery:

If you need assistance recovering your World of Warcraft account name
or password, our Account and Password Retrieval page can be found at:
https://www.worldofwarcraft.com/loginsupport
=====================================================

=====================================================
Other World of Warcraft Support Departments:

If you are experiencing a non-technical issue with World of Warcraft,
there may be a specific department to better assist you. Feel free
to review the other World of Warcraft support departments and contact
them directly:

Billing and Account Services –
(http://us.blizzard.com/support/article.xml?articleId=20606)
Please contact our Billing and Account Services department if
your inquiry falls in one the categories below:

-Account Password
-Account Creation/Cancellation
-Account Payment and Maintenance
-Authentication Key
-Paid Character Transfer(s)
-Online Upgrades
-Trial Accounts

Account Administration Team –
(http://us.blizzard.com/support/article.xml?articleId=21500)
Our Account Administration team will assist with any inquiries regarding:

-Account Suspensions
-Account Closures

In-Game Support (Game Masters) –
(http://us.blizzard.com/support/article.xml?articleId=19775)
Game Masters are the Blizzard Entertainment personnel that are
available in-game to assist you with your in-game related questions
or problems such as:

-In-game Harassment
-Bug Report(s)
-Character Issues
-Quest Rewards
=====================================================

Best regards,
Blizzard Entertainment Technical Support Team
http://www.blizzard.com/support/wow

*Emails to our support department may not receive a response for the
following reasons:
– Use of profanity
– Spamming (sending the same email multiple times)
– Attachments containing viruses (these are deleted automatically)
– The message is a form of feedback or comment which does not require
or request a reply

It took a little bit of time but then, like a knight in digital armor, the glorious and mighty TOM came to the rescue. Tell us, Tom, what you know of the New Flesh!


From: Toml.support
Subject: Re: I am interested in your product.
Date: Fri, 30 May 2008 13:56:08 -0700

Hello Thank you for contacting Blizzard Entertainment Technical Support. My name is Tom and I will be assisting you today.

I apologize for any inconvenience you may have experienced.

World of Warcraft is a unique entry in the relatively new but very popular massively multiplayer online game genre. Unlike a traditional PC game, World of Warcraft is designed for ongoing growth, with exciting new content being added regularly.

In addition to benefiting from regular expansive content updates from our ongoing live development team, World of Warcraft has its own dedicated server infrastructure and internal support staff. The entire game takes place online, in a persistent, ever-changing game world that can host hundreds of thousands of players at any given time of the day. As such, it requires much higher levels of support, maintenance, and network bandwidth than our other games do.

Despite the challenges of running a game of this magnitude, we feel strongly that World of Warcraft meets Blizzard’s own quality standards and the expectations of our gamers. In fact, we’re proud to report that World of Warcraft has already achieved a level of critical success that matches its popularity with players: the game recently earned numerous “Best of Genre” (RPG/MMORPG) and “Best of Platform” (PC/Mac) awards, not to mention a “Best Overall” award for games on any platform, including the year’s top console video games-a rare achievement, especially for a subscription-based computer game.

Maintaining World of Warcraft’s high level of service does require a monthly subscription fee, but comparatively speaking, we are able to deliver this level of service for less than the average cost of a couple of monthly trips to the movies. And whereas 2 movies might provide up to 6 hours of entertainment, World of Warcraft can be accessed up to 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. If you would like to learn more about the unique entertainment experience that World of Warcraft has to offer and see some of the broad upcoming plans for the game world, we strongly recommend checking out our official website
http://www.worldofwarcraft.com/ and our new Under Development page http://www.worldofwarcraft.com/info/underdevelopment.html

Sincerely, Tom L
Technical Support
Blizzard Entertainment
http://www.blizzard.com/support

Tom is obviously very wise in the ways of the New Flesh, even if he can’t spell benefitting properly. He’s very cunning.

We like Tom.

**********

Stay tuned next time, when we introduce another character to the World of Outboxed.

And maybe, just maybe, we’ll leave Blizzard alone for a week.

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