Outboxed. . .

Outboxed: Episode 1

Peace and Love through Chaos and Cruelty

Welcome to episode 1 of Outboxed, the Die Hard Game Fan column where the people that live inside my head are set up with their own e-mail accounts.

First, let’s visit the site of Angola Horror train Wreck, scenic Angola, New York. We’ll check in on uneduucated local pervert, Ed Tivan. He has sent off an e-mail Gamespot’s Alex Navarro on December 18th about this review.

Subject: Royal Rumble Roses
To: Alex@gamespot.com

I think that it is great for you to talk out against the creepyness in the wrestling games. Games like these have crepped me out for the long time.
Im glad to not be alone in this.
I rember the first time that a wrestling game was creepy. It was the genesis one where you could play as luna. It was creepy to punch a girl. it was wrong for them to have women batterying in a video games FOR CHIDREN!!
But it was creepyest when she would be me up. It mademe feel really creepy when she would beat me. I had to lie facedown on my bed to avoid other people seeing me creppyness. It put me down a long and dark path that i just now am getting off of. I spend 400 dollars last year on a donnamatrix and it was all because of that game.
This one time Luna was hitting me alot, and I got creepy, and m dog tryed to make love to my back. Thankfuly she was a girl dog so we wasn’t breaking any laws.

Edward S. Tivan

ps. When is you guys hiring new review guys. I wanna do it!
ps. can yo make them put final fantsy 7 on the virtua consoul?

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile.

Less than one month later, Alex Navarro left Gamespot.

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Active social worker, Keith Safari takes time from his busy schedule to e-mail DHGF’s Guy Desmarais about this column.
Date: Mon, 7 Jan 2008 12:33:57 -0600
Subject: You Probably Forgot About This Game: RPG & N64

Regarding Hybrid Heaven:
I too am a big fan of this game. It isn’t very often that one is afforded the opportunity to put an alien in a sharpshooter. When such a thing does occur, it should be celebrated with the all the panoply of a military funeral.
Even more that for that reason, I love this game because, for once, it makes its hero an alien-human hybrid. Too often are the alien-human among us depicted as unthinking monsters, savage brutes bent on rampaging the nearest town with tall buildings. All the good things that these humaliens have contributed to our culture go ignored. (When I say our culture, I mean that of the U S of A. I mean no offense to you, whom I understand to be Quebecois.) Without our humalien friends we would not have our microwave ovens, wireless Internet, or Humulin. (Although, I do understand that we might also be responsible for Mycobaterium Leprae and Plasmodium; Can’t make an omelet, though eh?)
Though I cannot advocate hybrid on hybrid violence, it is nice to see positive role models out their my part extraterrestrial brothers.
with warm regards,

Keith M. Safari

“In the firm belief that the American public deserves a better explanation than that thus far given by the Air Force, I strongly recommend that there be a committee investigation of the UFO phenomena. I think we owe it to the people to establish credibility regarding UFOs, and to produce the greatest possible enlightenment of the subject.”
—President Gerald Ford (during his years as a US Congressman).

Being a good sport, and an all round decent fellow, Guy responded:

Thanks for reading the article. Glad to see that this game has not been forgotten by everybody. Keep spreading the word and maybe we’ll see more games featuring hybrids using wrestling moves on their enemies. Can’t get enough of that.

Guy Desmarais

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Finally, we join retired accountant Wes Flowers as he sends off a query to the hint/tip section of Konami’s website:


Name: Wes Flowers
Subject: Game Hints and Tips

Comments:

I’ve been playing Castlevania since the very first game, all those years
ago. It makes me feel rather like Indiana John, fighting all the bad
guys with my whip and such.
I really like the music too. It tends to
sooth my dogs, and they can be quite a handful believe you me.

I
just have a couple of questions about the games and the Belmont family.

For instance, what do the Belmonts do when they aren’t killing
monsters? I know that Mario and his brother are plumbers. I’d like to
think that the Belmont’s would be cobblers or haberdashers. Something
kind of mild-mannered, you know? Like running a Bed and Breakfast.

I
suppose they don’t need a second job, altogether. Video game monsters do
tend to have a lot of money on them. You could probably do well for
yourself just off of that, with maybe some migrant farm work to fill in
the gaps in income.

As for the games themselves, as I wrote before
Big Fan, do they have to be so violent? Dracula was a head of state.
Surely he’d be open to some diplomacy. It isn’t really responsible to
teach kids violence as the exclusive method of solving their problems,
even problems with the undead.

I’ve been working on, actually, a
negotiation gaming engine that might work well with Castlevania. Right
now it is mostly dealing with bartering, and selling of gourds, that
sort of thing. I programmed it in Hypercard, do you fellas use that
one?

I’ve probably gone past my allotted length, so I will just
say:

Keep up the good work, Konami.

From Wes Flowers and his dogs Andrew and Johnson.

Konami, never afraid to bring the awesome, responded. Sadly, they only responded to Andrew, one of Wes’s dogs. We don’t know why they hate Johnson, but we can understand why they’d want to ignore Wes.

Our Solution:

Dear Andrew,
Thank you for contacting Konami Support!
The only known occupation of the Belmont family is to fight, for many generation, against Dracula.
We appreciate that you took the time to write in with your comments.
We are constantly working to make our games a better gaming experience for all our users, and in doing this your comments and opinions are very valuable to us!

Regards, Konami Support

Track the issue status and respond at:
http://mycusthelp.com/KONAMI/_cs/CustomerIssues.aspx?id=5902

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And thus ends our first glorious episode of Outboxed!
ML Kennedy