Pulse Cannon

A few weeks back I wrote a column on the Nintendogging website that allows DS owners to use their DS wifi connections to find suitable mates using Nintendogs. Well, now it’s becoming apparent that Nintendo’s DS could become the most perverted console to ever hit the North American market. A designer at Ubisoft has figured out a way to use the touch screen to help people pleasure women in bed.

Heather Kelley of Ubisoft submitted the game design, titled Lapis – A Magical Pet Adventure, to the Montreal Games Summit this year. The design actually won an award at the conference. The game would use bunnies in the place of women, and would allow gamers, more specifically women gamers in the designers mind, to learn how to pleasure women (themselves?) by using the touch screen and microphone of the DS. Essentially you would be stimulating the bunnies by tickling, petting and whispering to them, and this in turn would cause the bunnies to be empowered with magical energy and fly all over the screen.

Frankly I’ve never heard of a game so blatantly designed from the outset to have an ulterior motive. I’m starting to wonder if Nintendogs was a way to train men. The designer presented this game to the conference and used the following to describe the gameplay:

“Human sexual response

The way you play with the bunnies in order to win is patterned after the VARIETY of female sexual response
This is the overall pattern but it can’t be achieved in the same way every time – different things work for different bunnies, at different stages of the game
For instance you may need to use tickling at first, and then humming into the ears. But after a while that stops having an effect, and you have to start tapping on its nose.”

Kelley actually went so far as to create a very simple demo for the game, which can be found online here http://www.moboid.com/lapis/LapisDemo.htm. (The demo works with IE, not so much with Firefox.) You touch the nose or tail of the bunny with your mouse on the touch screen and it starts the screen twirling to simulate the bunny flying.

It should be noted that for the moment at least this was just a concept demo and the game hasn’t been announced in any shape or form, which is probably a good thing as I don’t know that this game would have slipped past Nintendo. I have to say I applaud this use of creativity in game design, but I doubt that in this market that it would ever sell. If they were smart they’d launch it in Japan, make some money and then eventually release it over here in North America. Instead the game will probably die with that demo and those of use who played it will never see bunnies the same way again.

And that’s the Cannon, your source for the weird and wacky on the Nintendo DS.