Wrestlemania XXI: First Impressions

Look people, I won’t lie to you. This is honestly the worst wrestling game ever made. This game makes WCW Thunder and WWF Royal Rumble look like Touken Retsuden 4 or Fire Pro Wrestling D. No one should buy this game. It’s glitchy, it crashy, it is a pile of shit, that THQ needs to recall and issue a formal apology, and that the WWE needs to sue THQ again for making the third straight horrible wrestling game for the system. My full review is going to tear this game a new one (it’s up Monday) and I will warn you that it gets the lowest score I’ve given all year.

But let’s have some fun with the first impressions. You see, I’ve got a special guest reviewer who has asked to relate his experiences with this game. Randy Poffo aka “Macho Man” Randy Savage aka “Macho King” Randy Savage is going to take you through his experiences in Wrestlemania XXI.

THE MACHO MAN DIARIES

Entry 1:

Oooooooooh yeah brutha! Can you dig it, dig it, dig it. The Macho Man is in the house, yeah! I’m bringing you the madness and the rhymes of the OG that kicks it like nobodies business. So Michae…Lucard gave me this game and I’m all like “Yeah man, I snapped into Ric Flair like he was a stale Slim Jim (Although they never go old brutha! THAT BEEFY SPICY TASTE!) . I think I can beat a video game. Yeeeeeeah!”

So I’ve got this disc and I’m wondering, How do I blow into it when it doesn’t work like my old Wrestlemania game for the Nintendo? Man, the Macho man was so great in that game. I’d be delivering elbows to the Honky Tonk Man, to Bam Bam Bigelow, and of course Hulk Hogan! HOGAN! You pansy coward! First you steal Elizabeth from me! Then you hold me down in WCW. Every time I got that title, you took it from me the next day. You were jealous! I was the better wrestler! I was the better lover. I was the better MAN, yeah. I was World Champion at WMIV when that Nintendo game came out, and who is on the cover? Terry! Not the Macho Man, noooooo. But now the Madness is gonna be climbing the ladder while you sit with your whore of a daughter Brooke. See, she’s just a Brittany wanna-be, while Randy Savage kicks out the fresh dope rhymes like…

I’m the wrestlin’ king but now I’m spittin’ lyrics
Took a break from the ring cuz I want ya’ll to hear this
Comin’ on a medium nobody expected
Been in the game for years and I’m still respected
Macho Man Randy Savage the true chief warrior
Critics I’m ignoring’ ya to ladies it’s euphoria
People on the streets say “Randy you the illest”
And I’m one of the realest so it’s not hard to feel this

And by illest, I don’t mean that case of the clap Gorgeous George gave me, oh no. See, The Macho Man has the language of the street on his lyrical tongue. DIG IT!

Now…how do I play this thing?

Entry 2

Yeah Brother! I figures out how to turn on the system! Yeah! I turned on the game! No one turns on the game like the MACHO MAN! OOOOOOH YEAH! Not even Stephanie! No siree, since Paul’s in to the chicks with dicks. OH SNAP! The Madness from the hood gets a burn on HHH! It’s my verbal skills like this which is why I should be main eventing instead of sitting at home with the last of my blow. Man, Elizabeth, SHE loved the blow. ELIZABETH! I’ll avenge you my sweet! Just like OJ avenged the loss of his wife! Yeah brutha, don’t think I won’t find you. My old pal Lex Luger told me she was hit in the head with a candlestick in the parlor, and that’s all the clues I need because I was raised on 21B Baker Street. YEAH!

I’m looking around and I’m noticing I’m not in this game! Andre the Giant is in this game! And he’s dead! Bret Hart is in this game! But there’s no Macho Man! This is a conspiracy! Where’s the Macho Man! But see, then it hits me. The reason I’m not in this game…is because I’m out here in the real world, yeah! I think this game is like Tron brother. You ever seen that movie? Or the Last Starfighter? Man, those vector graphics blew my brain back then. Well, that and all the coke and steroid crunchies. And the Hookers. And well, you get the idea. The 80’s ruled!

Then I notice Hulk Hogan is in the game! He’s in create a wrestler mode! So are Demolition! So is La Parka? He was never IN the WWF! And…Yuji Nagata? What the hell? Where’s the Macho Man! This is another Hogan created conspiracy brother. Hogan fears Randy Savage, yeah! He chased me out of TNA!And now he’s using his powers of evil to keep me from being in WMXXI! Well not so fast Hulk Hogan, cause I’m gonna make myself and enter the video world like a Digimon! Digimon! Digital Monsters! Digimon are the champions! DIG IT!

Entry 3

Okay…I’m in the game. Can you believe it’ll cost me ten grand for an nWo shirt? What the hell is up with that? And steroids to raise my strength are 9 grand? Why is a t shirt more expensive than a mid morning snack? Wait a second, here’s Teddy Long. He used to manage Doom you know. Remember when Doom wore masks and were managed by Kevin Sullivan’s wife. Man, that Nancy, what a slut, brother. Did the darkies, did Rick Steiner, did the vanilla midget. Man, she was like post Alexandra York Terri Runnels!

What the hell? He doesn’t think the Macho Man is ready for Smackdown? Listen Brother, I HOSTED RAW! I’m a two time WWF champion, yeah! I nearly bodyslammed Yokozuna until that Lex Luger stole my thunder! Hey, he’s not my friend at all! He stole my main event seat! He stole my woman! ELIZABETH! I love you baby! I love you! OOOOOOH YEAH!

Now what? Velocity? He wants me to go to Velocity? Is that even a real show? What the hell is this crap? I know it’s Hogan! I just know it. Damn you Hulk Hogan! You’re just mad because my Album climbed the charts like a sloth on anti-depressants and no one even remembers your wrestling boot band. DIG IT!

I mean, let’s compare rapping ability right now brother. Here’s Hulk Hogan with his song “Beach Patrol”

I was walkin’ down the beach lookin’ for some action
Had my radio set on a rap rap station
Saw a girl in trouble, a sticky situation
She wanted me to give her mouth-to-mouth recesitation

Now let’s check out my lyrical masterpiece that was so def even Biz Markee backed off from my hood. Oooooh yeah it’s true!

They call you Hollywood (hugh hugh) don’t make me laugh
Cuz your movies and your actin’ skills are both trash
Your movies straight to video the box office can’t stand
While I got myself a feature role in Spider Man
Ya hidin’ man but when I find you it’s on
And when I slam ya to the dirt you’ll wish you’s never born
I smell a coward mmmm is that you Hogan
Macho’s gonna kick ya butt is the slogan

The Madness is running wild brutha! Mr. Nanny or Bonesaw? Who is the bigger star? Randy Savage of course? OOOOOOH YEAH!

Wait a sec? I’m on Velocity. This French guy is coming up to me. Renee? His name is Renee? And he’s got a lisp? Is he a Transexual like that Chyna guy. Yeah, don’t tell me he’s not a guy! I saw that porno! His wang’s bigger than X-Pac’s. Man, Xpac…he makes me look like I’m off the hard stuff. I should hang out with him more.

Now he gets pissed because I point out he’s more of an effeminate poof than by brother, and it looks like the Macho Man is up for this first match!

Entry 4

DIG IT! Was there any doubt I’d come out on top? Man, that was an old school match like what I would have with Steamboat! I punched the guy! Then I jabbed the guy. Then I hit him in the gut. Then I head butted him and got a suplex off. Then I unleashed my radical shoot fighting skills that made Stu Hart cry like a baby and wrapped up Peter Sellers with my fearsome Hammerlock and then a sleeper hold. Ken Shamrock’s got nothing on the Macho Man baby! And then, I struck out with a move that truly defined shows like WWF Superstars or All-American wrestling. I hip locked Marcel Marceau and 1-2-3! Macho Man-1, the Frogs- Zilch! I was pissed Mitchell Cole was all “Why didn’t he use his finishing move?” You see, I gots to make a name for myself and what better way to climb the ladder than to squash these young guys in under three minutes to make myself look really good. Plus not only do I look Goldberg dominant doing this, but I don’t expose that my constitution is shot! Yeah! The brains are all in the head of the Macho Man. Ooooh yeah. If zombies came about, they’d all make a bee line for me!

Entry 5

Yeah, Backstage. Is it the same day? Is it the next Velocity? I don’t know. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that whole bottle of vicodin. But man, they taste like Flintstones vitamins. Oh god, it’s Frenchy Again. Didn’t he used to manage Dino bravo or something? He wants a match again? Pssh, maybe this time I’ll break out an Axhandle or a reverse chin lock. OLD SCHOOL OG IN THE HIZZAUSE!! Buy my album brother.

Now here comes Chavo Guerrero? Man, he’s aged really well. I remember when we both wrestled in Memphis and Texas and…wait. Is he friends with Frenchy?

Man, Chavo’s become a real jerk too. All I did was tell him I think he’d do a fine job of mowing my lawn and he got irate. Just because I complimented him. And being the upstanding individual that I am, I said The Genius has a farm and the bean crop is about to yield and he could use a strong man like Chavo to help pick them. And he screams at me calling me an old f*cker and wants to wrestle me next week. I’m like “Man, those Mexicans have a firey temper.” What did the Macho Man ever do to deserve that lack of respect.

Now I have to go face some guy named Charlie Haas. Is he like Mr. Ed or something?

Entry 6

Man, the crowd today sure is different from the 80’s and 90’s. We have a 2:23 match where I showed off all my classic moves, except the big elbow. I keep telling everyone it’s gonna be for PPV’s only. I did it all. Hip tosses, choke holds, headlocks, a flurry of punches and even a clothesline! Yeah brother, clotheslines used to get ovations! Now, they’re jus another move. It’s these young punks. Tghey just don’t get ring psychology like the Macho Man! I picked up Charlie Brown and hit him with a big body slam and pinned him right in the middle of the ring. And the crowd was silent. Even Mike Murdock and Tazmaniac were all like “What the hell was that?” When did bodyslams become boring people? Huh? That was a heat getter for sure back in the day. I mean, what do these people want? Hurricanranas? Power Bombs? No idea brother, no idea. Hulk Hogan still gets a pop for three punches and a boot to the head, but Randy Savage gets nothing for an armdrag take down into an armbar?

Kids today. They just don’t get what a good match is!
Entry 7.

Oooh yeah! I caught Chavo and Renee DuFagee planning a run in on the Macho Man’s match with Chavito later tonight. I mean, I see ’em on TV, Who the hell plans a sneak attack in front of a Camera for the whole world to see? Like I’m not watching a monitor in the back? And then when I come in and taunt them for knowing their plans, they seem mad and keep saying “Kay Fabe you stupid coke addict”. I keep telling them I don’t know anyone named Kay Fabe. Although I think she was a ring rat in the 1970’s.

OOOH YEAH! It’s also a No DQ match against Mr. Lucille Ball. Please, the Macho Man excels at these matches! Remember my ultimate street fight against Dennis Rodman? Chavo’s going down to the madness tonight, OOOOOOOH YEAH! DIG IT!

Entry 8

Once again the Madness is running wild across the World Wrestling Federation! It only took me 2 minutes and ten seconds to squash Salma Hayek even with Charles DeGaul interfering. This was a classic REAL wrestling match, not that Crash TV style crap. I even mixed up my moveset by doing a Boston crap AND a piledriver. That piledriver got a lot of cheering. I’ll have to keep doing that. They double teamed me for a bit but eventually I just started punching them both in the dick. I spent a whole minute punching one in the dick and then hip tossing them, and then moving on to the other. It’s like, why didn’t we ever do this back in the days when I was defending the intercontinental title against George “The Animal Steele?” I bet if I’d thought of punching people in their hickory stick before, I’d still be WWF champion today. Well, except Hulk Hogan’s roid infested scrotum is so small, I wouldn’t no where to look. BE A MAN HULK HOGAN! Yeah brother….the Hulk fears the Savage! Digitdigitdigit!

I ended up pinning Chavo after a flying Axhandle and a Lariat. Hey, if Hollywood Huckster can beat a REAL wrestler like Masahiro Chono with a clothesline, why can’t I beat up some whiny cruiserweight with one? It’s not like HE has any future.

Entry 9

That was weird. I walk into Teddy Long’s office and I’m asked to meet with this guy named Kurt Angle. He gets mad when I say I remember him from this Pizza commercial and then I start talking about all my Slim Jim commercials. Hey! Remember the Shakespeare one where I’m all “ART THOU BORED? OOOOOH YEAH!” That was a pretty good one. Or all the ones where I talk about the beefy spicy taste and how X-TREME Slim Jims are. Hey! I was X-Treme! Why didn’t ECW ever call me up? Losers.

What? Kurt Angle wants to shut up? Why that no good disrespectful curtain jerker. I’m Macho Man Randy Savage! Who the hell has ever heard of some guy named Kurt Angle? I mean, what’s HE ever done to impress wrestling fans?

Angle bets I can’t beat Spike Dudley. Who? I guess he’s the Cruiserweight Champion or something. Cruiserweights? Yeah, they put butts in the seat. Like Eric Bischoff said one, only Roddy Piper, myself and that primadonna Hulk Hogan ever put butts in the seats. Who cares about some guy named Dudley?

But hey, Teddy long thinks it is a good idea, and says this match will be on Smackdown! OOOOH YEAH! Promoted from the minor leagues to the majors! That never happened in baseball for me, but once again, everyone knows the Macho man is who the fans really want to see main eventing the WWF! Wait…WWE. I guess it’s WWE now.

Spike Dudley, here I come! DIG IT!

Entry 10

What a gyp! I can’t believe this? I gave the fans what they wanted! I broke out the side headlocks! I gave them a 45 second half nelson! I did a drop toe hold! I even did a flying axhandle from the top rope to the ring floor! Who does that nowadays? No one! That’s high risk entertainment! Oooh yeah brutha. Hell, even did a belly to back suplex and a snap mare! I was WRESTLING! I was showing the entire world why the Macho Man is the greatest most entertaining wrestler ever. I even hit the big elbow since it was my first Smackdown card I pummeled the Cruiserweight in under 3 minutes, proving once again the Macho Man doesn’t hold down younger guys, they just can’t work a proper match.

And what happened? Not only am I NOT given the Cruiserweight belt (I beat the champ, where is my gold?), but these two mongloids come out and it becomes 3 on 1! And the fans cheer! What the hell? The only good antiheroes were the nWo. We were all “TOOOO SWEEET” and “4 Life” and the crowd dug us. But who are these hillbillies? And you know what? To get themselves over, they put me through a table and then Spike hit me in the face with his title belt. Man, in my day, this kind of crap was never needed to get over with the crowd. But these sheep ate it up. Something about a 3-D? I didn’t know those movies were back in style man.

I’m all lying in the ring busted open and the fans are cheering these jerks! Man, what happened to the world?

The Macho Man needs a partner brother. But who? NOT HULK HOGAN! No Mega-Powers! Hogan’s a lilly livered coward! And Sting’s not here? Jesus, did I ever have any friends in wrestling? They all turned on me. Elizabeth, Sherri, Hogan the big fat cocksucker, and the nWo. Man, how am I going to beat the Dudleys. I may be the best technical wrestler, the best brawler, and the best high flyer today, but even the Macho Man is going to need someone for this 3 on 2 situation. Hmmmm.

To Be continued

…Or not. We’ll see if you want Randy to keep rambling.