The Angry Gamer 03.04.04 – Random Ranting

I don’t have too much to complain about this week, but that’s what I get for being

overtired.

It seems that my article on the history of

Mega Man really inflamed some readers. Namely, some of the “fangirls” I spoke

about. I got many emails either a) screaming at me endlessly, b) accusing me of being a

homophobe, or c) politely correcting me about my generalizations. The last one I don’t

mind so much, especially I never said that ALL fangirls are sick gay porn freaks. Hell,

I’m friends with a few fangirls, myself. I was just making clear my distate for

any type of cartoon/video game pornography, homosexual or heterosexual.

Relax.

Speaking of fangirls…they and their fanboy counterparts are all aflutter lately as

more news trickles in about Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. Bear in mind,

this is not a game, but an 80-minute computer-generated film. The events therein

take place two years after the conclusion of FFVII. Personally, I see a good

side and bad side to this film. The good side? The imagery looks fantastic, and the

characters even look realistic; yes, they actually made Cloud Strife’s hair look

possible within the realm of physics. The bad side? It’s a film based on a game with a

lackluster plot; by now, you all know of my distaste for FFVII. Plus, in a move

that’s sure to melt the hearts of yaoi freaks everywhere…Sephiroth looks like a girl.

I’m not kidding. Eyeliner, lipstick, you name it. Long gone is the tough-guy swordsman

most gamers are familiar with. In his place, we’ve got a drag queen. His appearance in

the film itself seems to be a memory sequence, so who knows how it actually fits in

with the rest of the plot. So what the hell’s next? A high-octane action-adventure film

based on the life and times of Super Magnetic Neo?! Hey, maybe they’d cast Keanu

Reeves in the title role…nyuk, nyuk!

Finally, Rockstar Games recently announced that Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas

will be released this fall for the PS2. Wow…yet another version of GTAIII.

Just when I thought I couldn’t get any more excited, news like this comes along, and I

shit myself. Rockstar babbled in their press release about how GTA:SA would

“revolutionize open-ended gameplay.” I guess that means they’re going to add a new

class of character for a play to beat down with a 2×4. Rockstar also claims a

revolution in “video game production values.” For those of you keeping score at

home…that translates to more money spent on flashy crap. How many times are they

going to keep making the same game, anyway? I’m well aware that it’s a moneymaker…but

gamers shouldn’t have to suffer with the same old crap over and over again. I’m sure

the GTA series could be “reinvented” properly, but you can’t accomplish that

with a third rehash. You can’t polish a turd.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now. I may be high on annoyance, but I’m low on coffee

and sleep. See you next week.