Inside Pulse 12

A Thumb To The Eye Number 26

Here we are, another week later, and I am still here. Smarter than never ever before and ready to do something. Hell, I even learned a few things this week. I learned that anxiety is all in my head. I learned that Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles maybe one of the most oddly dissatisfying games I have ever played. I discovered that when you sprain your hand, Icy Hot is your friend, dealing blackjack for 9 hours on a Saturday is not your friend. I also learned something important about myself, something that will have to wait for next week.

One thing that has been on my mind quite a bit since I discovered the joy of Baldur’s Gate: Dark Alliance II is how much I miss role-playing. Not video game role-playing or sexy bedroom role-playing, unless you are an attractive woman who likes dressing as a nun, then we should talk, my e-mail’s at the bottom of the column. No, I mean the sweet joy of some good friends, bad pizza, and cheap soda while playing through painfully elementary fantasy scenarios in the name of high fantasy. I knew I should have stayed off of Steve Jackson Games’ website. Good thing I don’t have gaming group… Another thing I love, Illuminati: New World Order. I love conspiracy theories, card games, and bad jokes, thus making this game the best ever. I so totally need to make a Donald Rumsfeld card.

In case you haven’t guessed by now, I love gaming in all of it’s myriad forms: card, RPG, video, crossword puzzles, rope puzzles, drinking games, miniatures games, board games. That is one thing that mystifies me about other video gamers, the sort of insular nature it can lead to, in which gaming without a screen is not even given a second thought. Maybe that just means I’m old.

Let the one handed typing commence…

Seanbaby, Seanbaby, Where Art Thou, Seanbaby?

Look, I read seanbaby’s site for a long time. Fuck, I’m writing this because I loved it. When he hadn’t been emasculated, seanbaby was a pleasure to read. Then came Electronic Gaming Monthly. Anyone should have guessed that sticking someone who writes with more obscenities per line than the Sopranos would be bad match with the most buttoned up and quietly lame gaming magazines in the world. It should have been bad, but it got fucking pear-shaped, and not in a good way.

You see, EGM hiring Mr. baby was a symptom of a much bigger disease. The sad truth is, EGM has been spending the last 3 years turning into inCite. Why would a, if not the, gaming magazine of choice turn itself into a half-assed and out of publication magazine that was largely reviled by all who read it? I have no idea, but I do know that the same shitty stuff inCite always whipped out is in full-effect with EGM: gratuitous shots of cleavagy women, celebrity gamers, “lifestyle” articles, supposedly informative articles that are nothing but ads, flimsy content. We won’t mention the shite printing that means black fingertips if you read your magazine cradled in your hand. EGM, Maxim for people with no lives seems to be the goal.

Where does seanbaby fall into all of this? Well, while EGM wants street cred, or is it geek cred, by hiring seanbaby, all they have been able to do is edit out the cussing, which is where his comedy largely stems, change the pronouns, and make him appear to be a total tool. Each month all they have for him to do is review the worst games of the month and maybe a column or two, while his soul rots away. So, what can we do? We can save seanbaby from himself. If you have time, e-mail him with how sucky he is now. If you see him, make fun of him. Let seanbaby know he has lost his edge, his spark. It’s up to you to save the soul of seanbaby. Here’s some fun stuff to say to him, if you so desire:

“Alex Lucard says you are a half-wit Lucard wannabe and you turn women gay.”

“You remind me of the guy in the comic book store, hanging around, acting 12, looking 30, and claiming to have the best stuff you could imagine, but no one can come over and see it since your Mom’s drinking again.”

“After seeing you on that MTV special, I just have to apologize at laughing at your website for all these years, I try not to laugh at mongoloids.”

Trust me, I know you guys can think of some truly evil stuff to say, especially after what you called me after the Soul Calibur II review. So think it up, send it to me, send it to seanbaby, say it to seanbaby, just don’t hold it in. Only we can make seanbaby realize what a tool he has become and save him from himself. God speed, people, God speed.

What’s Cooking in the Kitsch-en?

This week’s piece of gaming kitsch is pretty dear to me, the ugly ass game protagonist. You know who I mean, the Karnovs and Master Higgins of the world. When I can type with more than two fingers I will so finish this.