Gamer’s Hangover News Report 12.29.03

Quasi-Random Thoughts

I’m not just saying this because I’m a Nicole Ohlde fan, but I’m getting tired of hearing about Diana Taurasi.

Okay, maybe it IS just because I’m an Ohlde fan. Bite me.

I know of at least one case last week where my Christmas advice was read and heeded. I hope that woman is reading this week with her feet in slippers and sipping a morning mimosa.

Why do I smile every time I see the commercials for Nebraska in the Alamo Bowl? Oh, yeah. THAT’S why. Heh.

I’m still awaiting the official results, but I do believe my fantasy football team, The Costa Rica Ticos, has won its first fantasy league title. True, I started Jon Kitna as my quarterback, but my opponent started Jake Plummer. Proof that you should never pin your playoff hopes on a Bronco unless his name is John Elway.

I’ve got to mention that 4 of the Missouri Valley Conference’s 10 teams are on ESPN’s Mid Major Top Ten list. At what point will the MVC stop being considered a mid-major and start being considered a MajorTM conference? And don’t talk to me about strength of schedule. Check out the non-conference schedule of the typical Big East team “¦ say, Connecticut. Yale. Nevada. Sacred Heart. Lehigh. Army. Quinnipac. Iona. Uh-huh. WAY better than Kansas State and Tulsa. Oh, and why, in a conference of FOURTEEN TEAMS, do they wait until late January to start conference play?

Do I have something against the Big East? No, I have something against the ACC, but the Big East is an easier target.

Anybody who lives near an Amish/Mennonite town can back me up on this: They may have not embraced technology, but they wholeheartedly embrace capitalism. God bless em.

Had a bummer sort of Christmas. It was largely good, but for part of it, I spent time around my one remaining grandparent; my grandmother who is slowly falling victim to Alzheimer’s Disease. Those of you that have experienced this know what I’m talking about. Bittersweet is the closest word to describing what I’ve been feeling. Still, a lot of good and happy things happened. For instance, I finally bonded some with my nieces. Good stuff.

Why am I so gleeful about Minnesota getting booted out of their NFL playoff position? It couldn’t be because they rolled 45 up on the Chiefs last week. Naaaaah.

That bit of pettiness aside, that TD call was the RIGHT call. He had the POSSIBILITY of bringing his feet down inbounds. That’s all he needs is the possibility of it, and the Vikings shot themselves in the foot by blatantly shoving him out of bounds. Seriously, that’s the absolute worst thing they could have done. Let him try and catch it and he probably doesn’t get the feet down. Swat at the ball and maybe you can knock it loose before he establishes possession. All shoving him out of bounds did was score the winning touchdown for Arizona.

How good is Tony Richardson as a blocking fullback? Check the replay of Priest’s first TD yesterday (the mosey one). Tony blocked the last guy out of Priest’s way while falling down “¦ backwards. That play alone earned him his Pro Bowl spot.

NEWS

I Got Nothin’
There is NOTHING out there for news this week. I mean NOTHING. All of my normal news sources shut down last Wednesday and haven’t done sh*t since. I even reduced myself to looking at CNN.com for video game news, something I haven’t done for months. In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to reference that drivel. How can I respect a video game reporting department that compiles a “best of” game list for 2003 and fails to even mention Viewtiful Joe or ESPN NFL Football ?

So, what do I do? Do I throw it in this week? Do I make stuff up? Yeah. Make stuff up. I don’t get to do that enough. I’m usually bashing other people’s creativity. I guess it’s only sporting to stick my own neck out once in a while.

Sega Launches Military Coup Against Sammy
Cristianne Amanpour — Tokyo — Details are still sketchy, but what I can tell you is that the Board of Directors of Sega Corporation has initiated a coup against the ruling class of Sammy. The shelling here is concentrated mostly at the media cent”¦.[lost transmission]

Be gentle. I haven’t done this sort of thing in a while.

Lucard Is Turning Japanese
Brainerd, MN (Reuters) — Alexander Lucard issued a press release today that he believes that his well-known love for Japanese import games, as well as unknown radiation emitting from playing those games, has begun to modify his DNA in such a manner that his is, in fact, turning Japanese.

“Well, my eyes have narrowed somewhat, and my hair is turning darker. Of course, that could just be from my goth hair dye and the fact that I play all of my games in an unlit room “¦ as well as a moderate case of myopia that I have “¦ but I think I’m turning Japanese. Repeating, I think I’m turning Japanese. I really think so,” Lucard said in a closed-circuit statement from his torture lair somewhere in south-central Minnesota.

Experts dispute the claim, not only because of the rather mild changes cited, but also the fact that Mr. Lucard has an active dating life.

John Carney Picked As Madden 2005 Coverboy
I’m sorry. This one just wrote itself.

Most Annoying Gamers for 2003: EverQuest or Madden
Redmond, WA — A run-off election is being planned to determine the gaming population which has been the most annoying as a group in the year 2003: verQuest Online players, who have been known to reach psychosis levels of addiction; or Madden online players, who have made a sport of seeing how quickly they can disconnect once they fall behind in a game.

“I really don’t think you can compare,” said Deb Murphy, editor of Annoyingamer.com. “The problem is that these two populations are annoying in distinctive ways. The Madden players are annoying in the actual playing of the game, because they won’t stay connected unless they’re winning. In real life, they’re probably decent enough people; but pride, frustration, and the anonymity given by console gaming online without a headset makes the environment much too tempting to resist.

“On the other hand, EverCra”¦.Quest players are a deeper, more pervasive kind of annoying. They’re a very creepy kind of annoying, like the worst D&D players you’ve ever met. They talk about their characters in all possible social situations, especially those populated by people who couldn’t give a pair of dogs balls about slaying The Sleeper’ or whatever.”

The run-off election is scheduled for later this week and will be monitored by the arbitrating body of all things annoying: CNNSI.com.

Pimp-Licious

Once upon a midnight dreary,
quoting Poe is mighty bleary,
but I still feel something near-y,
Near-y to my writing heart.

January I was a schmuck,
by April I had fell in luck.
No, I’m not R-Kal Truluck,
I’d gotten hired by 4-1-1.

But I could not do this alone,
Keeping fresh all of this zone,
So don’t you wail, gnash teeth, or moan,
I’m here to thank all of my peers.

On A-Will who dances the night away,
On Baxley who loves him some Anime,
On Panky who roots for the Evil One*,
On Lucard who makes sweet love to Pokemon,
On Freddie who lights up the radio waves,
On Chuckie that knows that Cthulu saves,
On Bryan who I would have pick my stocks,
On Bebito and Bella, his tight little “¦ lovely, charming, intelligent, articulate, stylish, lovely, understanding wife who could take a slightly less-than-on-color joke in perfect stride without resorting to something as ugly and divisive as a lawsuit,
On Misha and living six hours ahead,
On Liquid and Optimus Prime under his bed,
So for all of you reading and starting to weep,
Until next time, just get some sleep.

-Cory

*The Evil One here denotes The Oakland Raiders, or specifically their majority owner, Al Davis.

(BTW, the word I was GOING to use for Bella was “fox.” Yeah. That’s right. “Fox.”)