Inside Pulse 12

A Thumb To The Eye Number 16

There are times when I have a coherent column in my head, lodged in there pretty tight. I have to extract it carefully, like Athena from Zeus’s head. Sometimes, one little gag will lead me trying to get all level 99 characters. Now, imagine a world where it doesn’t stop at 99. Or 100. Or 999. It ends at 9999. Nine thousand, nine hundred, and ninety-nine levels. And an infinite (or nearly so) number of randomly created Item World stages. And the sidequests. Oh dear Bejeebus, am I going to be playing this awhile.

How obsessive has this game made me? Well, I’m listening to the soundtrack right now, awaiting the strategy guide and some manga in the mail and I am dying to pick up an art book.

There are times when I have a coherent column in my head, lodged in there pretty tight. I have to extract it carefully, like Athena from Zeus’s head. Sometimes, one little gag will lead me onto writing a fairly involved list of potential games. Sometimes, no matter how hard I try to get a homogeneous theme going, I fail miserably. Guess which kind of week this one is…

The Anti- Feud

If there is one part of the Internet culture I would like to see go the way of the Commodore 64, it is all the senseless feuding. Sure, it is easy to argue and insult a total stranger, to showcase your oh-so-superior wit. It is mostly harmless to hurl barbs at some faceless character you know only from short bursts of text. I do have to wonder, however, if it is possible to do something more constructive with my Internet access. So, here it is, my anti-feud. I will anti-feud with Bryan Berg.

What is an anti-feud? An anti-feud is when two people exchange cordial and pleasant comments back and forth over the Internet and enjoy the polite company of one another. After perusing Bryan’s latest column, I noticed a very nice comment about my last column:
Words do not adequately describe the genius that is Chuck Platt. That is all.
Wow, Bryan, that is awfully nice of you. Can you say it one more time?
Words do not adequately describe the genius that is Chuck Platt. That is all.
Thanks, Bryan, you too are genius.

See, people, how easy that is? Just say something nice to someone else over the Internet. Not sexy, necessarily, just nice. Not to say Mr. Berg isn’t an attractive man, because he is, but this is about niceness, not sexy chatting. Just say something nice, like this:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. This article is SO funny. Seriously.
Damn, Bryan, you really are kind. I too found that column funny. Thank you. Would you like some cake? Cake rocks!

So, all of you out there, do myself, Bryan Berg, and, in the end, yourself, a favor and e-mail a kind message to Mr. Berg at, subject: Bryan is Dandy! If you do not like Bryan, well, blow me.

(Thanks for making me a four time Bronze and two time Silver medal winner. Maybe one day you will resurrect the medals and I will earn a Gold. Oh, to dream…)

Role-Playing Games I Want
Dear Square- Enix,
I have played your games since I was but a wee lad, knee-high to my NES and at the mercy of whatever games my local movie rental place had available. Sure, on occasion, I would get to rent Megaman 2 or Super Mario Bros. 3, but most of the time it was Mighty Bomb Jack. Then, I found Dragon Warrior and Final Fantasy, the twin epics of proto-rpg goodness. I was happy in the way you are when you find something that feels like you waited for it all along. I loved my four Black Belts party and killing slimes. I loved all of the time I spent on these sweet, sweet games. Then came 16-Bit and my love grew. Illusion of Gaia, Final Fantasy II, Final Fantasy III, Front Mission (in Japanese, it was my first import), and Secret of Mana all made my high school days more enjoyable. I bought my Playstation for Final Fantasy VII AND Bushido Blade. I loved all the games you gave me: Front Mission III, Bust- A- Groove, and Einhander are all part of my permanent collection. Then came Final Fantasy Tactics. I know Tactics Ogre was first, and better in retrospect, but I would have NEVER gone back and played Tactics Ogre and Ogre Battle if not for FFT. Few games ate more time in my life than this one. I can still play it, all these years later. Then came the Playstation 2… What happened? I have yet to see a game from you guys that is worth my money and time since the Playstation 1. Sure, I will buy ANYTHING you bring over here with the Front Mission name on it and Final Fantasy: Crystal Chronicles will surely rock my world. So, what am I asking? I want you, Square-Enix, the love child of two of the greatest game companies ever, to reignite the fire and make me look forward to your games above all others. Make me believe again. Don’t let Final Fantasy IX be the last gasp of quality in your franchise game. Love and kisses,
Chuck Platt

(Maybe Bryan can write a business plan for Square-Enix and put them back on track. He’s so dreamy when he’s acting smart.)

Disgaea: Hour of Stealing Chuck’s Life Force

The first time I played Final Fantasy Tactics, I spent hours and hours tuning, tweaking, leveling, and trying to make my party indomitable. I loved that game dearly and sweetly. It made me happy, just the playing of it, like no other game had. It sold me on the Tactics part of the Strategy RPG genre, leading me into Tactics Ogre and back into Front Mission. Then Alex Lucard, my Lord and (Vampire) Savior, sent me a copy of Disgaea…

Ummm, what was I talking about, I was thinking about Disgaea… Anyway, Disgaea is an addiction, not unlike caffeine mixed with sugar and natural and artificial flavors. Mmmm artificial flavors. Think about it: I surely wasn’t the only one with 70 plus hours in Final Fantasy VII.That is love. My background is of Etna. My LiveJournal icon is Etna. My first tattoo, well, actually that’s going to be a KMFDM album cover (Godlike) but after that, maybe a Flonne on my right arm and an Etna on my left. That would be swank. So, yeah, buy this game, buy it now and you won’t forget it.

(I bet Bryan Berg plays Disgaea. He probably rocks at it. Why can’t I be more like Bryan? Why, God, why? I want to be like Bryan Berg so much it hurts…)

Well, my fellow workers, I am headed to something, somewhere. Have fun, buy Disgaea, and make sweet love to someone you love…

(Like Bryan Berg…)