Insert a witty song quote here
Wow. Fourteen Thumbs to the Eye. Yes, I have been banging these babies out for 3 months now. Frighteningly, though, you, the supposed reading public, have no idea what my gaming tastes are, aside from my disdain for Soul Calibur II (Insert egotistical vanity link to my SCII review) and abject love of all things Adventure Island (Insert either the Japanese title or a link to a little known Master Higgins fan fiction site, run by Lee Baxley). I just find it odd, after all this entering and exiting you computer via the Information Superhighway, that we know so little about each other. I am your neighbor, lend me some sugar. What the fuck’s a song quote doing in there? Damn Outkast songs crashing my column. Anyway, I figured that now would be a good time to really let you, the assumed reader, take a peak into the world of Chuck Platt. No, I don’t REALLY talk about myself in the third person. Much. It’s a literary devise. Come on, it’s the Internet. You weren’t expecting Joyce, were you? Sorry, James Motherfucking Joyce, to continue an inside joke. Gotta love the inside jokes. No, I won’t tell you about it. It’s not funny unless you are Alex Lucard and I’m Chuck Platt. Damn, there goes that third person thing again. Next thing you know, I’ll be calling myself THE Chuck, instead. Damn you, Third Person Perspective.
First, a few thoughts on what’s going on in the gaming world, since I haven’t covered a timely subject since, well, never, but now is the best time I know of. And I’m out of witty remarks. I must talk to Cory too much, because these Gamers’ Hangovers are a bitch and a half. First the N*GAGE. Umm, yeah. My girlfriend carries the cell phone. I carry my Neo Geo Pocket Color. When I get around to pick one up, I’ll carry my SP. Point being: I don’t deal drugs, operate on patients, or have vapid and insecure friends I have to talk to every ten seconds to make sure they are breathing. Ergo, I don’t really care about playing Mini Golf on a cell phone. Seriously, why is anyone in the gaming press covering this piece of shit? They didn’t cover the Game.com, and it had by god midgets (little people, munchkins) on it’s ads. Gee, think Nokia’s advertising budget can cover all the hookers and blow it’s taking to get this POS mentioned? I haven’t heard so much fake buzz for something since I was a bee in the third grade play.
Nintendo’s Zelda Bonus Disc. Yay. No, really, this makes me smile. I love these games. I also love the GameCube I bought A YEAR AND A HALF AGO. What, does Nintendo think there are a few thousand N-philes out there who won’t buy a GameCube until they release the NES Zelda games on it? Are there ten thousand unwashed NES players out there waiting desperately for a way to play Zelda without a cartridge to blow in every time they decide to play? I need to know. And yes, this does mean GameCube number 2 for me. It’s not like I’m going to buy an XBOX.
People playing games for money. Can you say Saturday Night Live sketch? And not a good one, either. I mean one from the 1995 season, with a Party of Five cast member hosting. And not a hot one. Want to make money while gaming? GET A JOB! It’s not like anyone works when they are at work. Gee, I wonder if that’s why Gameboy Advances and cell phone games sell so well…
And, finally, the PSP. A portable Playstation? Sounds great, sign me up. Wait, you mean it plays propriety discs and not Playstation titles? And I can pretty much count on tons of ports of games I already have? Umm, okay. I can live with buying new versions of games I already have. And squinting my eyes until they won’t go back to normal so I can see 3-D on a tiny screen. Hey, by the way, does it have a cell phone built in? No! Well screw you, Sony.
So, what am I playing, right now, at this moment? Well, technically, I am typing and not playing anything, although I thought for sure typing killed zombies. I knew I should have brought my shotgun. Screw you, SEGA. When I am done typing and killing zombies, however, these are the titles I will be blowing my mind with.
Disgaea: Hour of Darkness
Dood. That is exactly why I am playing this instead of the dozen other strategy RPGs I could be playing. The twisted, almost Burton-esque, world of Disgaea, feels like a parody of not only RPGs, but also anime and any other geeky entertainment you can think of. Except hookers, but, come on, they are pretty much funny by themselves. From the “Dood” spouting Prinnies to the spear, Longinus, to how laughably unimportant life and death are, Disgaea takes it’s parody so far that it transcends parody and becomes a piece of great gaming on it’s own merit. Do you have to be aware that RPGs are full of non-sensible and largely irritating animal sidekicks to know that surfer penguins that explode are funny? I hope not. Besides, this game belongs in the annals of great gaming simply for having the ability to throw your teammates and enemies across the board. Throwing becomes an art form onto itself. Then there is the Mid- Boss cutscene. I won’t spoil it, but once you hear it, you’ll understand.
Thirty dollars. Two games. Devils. Dice. Yes, you get both Devil Dice AND it’s more explosive sequel for a mere pittance. For those who never played these great little puzzlers, Devil Dice (XI if you are Japanese or Lucard) is all about rolling around atop dice as a cute little devil, matching up sets of like numbered dice, 2 Twos, 2 Threes, and so on. Two player is simply amazing.
Umm, what were you expecting?
KMFDM. Lots of KMFDM.
Well, that would be it, this week. Next week, something completely different. As usual.