The Lo-Down 07.22.03: 411’s Disturbing Feedback
Hi, I’m Bebito Jackson, and apparently the retarded and the insanely mentally ill are breeding at an alarming rate.
The Down-Lo is taking a week off. Don’t worry; it’ll be back next week with all the rumors and replies to your feedback that your little hearts desire. Just needed a break this go round. Head honcho over here at 411 Games, Chris Pankonin, went on vacation this week and he left poor Bebito holding the gauntlet. I’m only handling the editing duties on the reviews around these parts as of now, but that alone has left me exhausted. Thus I was going to take a much-needed week off with the Down-Lo. Turns out, I don’t know how to take a week off. The Down-Lo does, but not me. You see, every once in a blue moon I’ll be throwing out one of these one-shot columns for you guys like what was done months ago when I did the joint Sonic X anime review with Scott Keith. I looked up last night, and it was a blue moon so in lieu of skipping out on writing duties I present you all this….
A couple weeks ago here at 411 Games Headquarters, the staff was lounging around the offices playing games. Mostly GBA carts, rpgs, and Sonic Mega Collection titles. Ya know, the usual. Little did we know that our loving boss Chris Pankonin would start something albeit small at first, but that would snowball into the huge debauchery that ensues…
*Chris Pankonin walks in with his laptop smiling. Wiping tears from his eyes, still slightly giggling, he calls for the collective attention of his staff.*
Chris Pankonin: Yo everybody! Thought you guys might get a kick out of this.
Jeff Watson: What’s up, Chris?
Chris Pankonin: Believe it or not, I get 2 or 3 of these every day. Some geniuses think I’m MAKING Smackdown 5 for PS2… heh… Take a look.
“It would be more realistic if you could do a 3d through a table and through ur opponents onto a table with being stood on it so please try to get it done thanx”
Cory Lafin: What a retard!
Lee Baxley: Wow. People actually think we’re in any way responsible for the way games comes out? That’s really sad.
Chris Pankonin: Oh and it gets better. Check out this guy…
Hey firstname.lastname@example.org when the divas get done will u get to see their nude bodies & if we do will it be censored or uncesored when r u going to have screenshots thanks
Jeff Watson: Pitiful.
Bebito Jackson: Hey! Cut the guy some slack! Those are legit questions! lol.
*Ron Yip motions everyone over.*
Ron Yip: Seriously, Chris… that was nothing. I got you beat. I got this a couple of weeks ago.
This about smackdown 5. I hope the season mode can go on 4player because you can have a 4 way split sceen way you walking in the hall way. Also you should be able to defene your title exhibition mode. Don’t for get to put the woman in the season as well to play with also you should let the female go for any title in the season and exhibition mode. Also put both titles in the game and I’m talking about wwe champion belt and the world heavy weight champion belt. You should get many belts as you want. Also when you play with stone cold in the season and you win the belt with him. He should still walk down the ramp with he’s vest and the belt in his hands like the rock. I still hope that you put blood. Also JR. & King need to call out the finish moves on time like Tazz & M.Cole on smackdown 3. Also in exhibition mode who every it champion should walk down the ramp and always get call hat ever the belt it should get call champion like smackdown3. Now people should be in this game and to play with in season mode and exhibition mode.
AUSTIN, THEROCK, HHH, UNDERTAKER, KANE, ANGLE, TRISH,IVORY, VICTORIA, JACQUELINE, JAZZ, MOLLY, LITA, EDGE, FAROOQ, ALBERT, BIG SHOW, JERICHO, BENOIT, BRADSHAW, CHRISTIAN, BUH RAY DUDLEY, D VON, MATT HARDY, JEFF HARDY, BILLY GUNN, TAZZ, TEST, RIKISHI, REGAL, STEVEN RICHARDS, STEPHANIE MCMAHON, VINCE MCMAHON, BOTH GUERRERO, AL SNOW, BROCK, JOHN CENA, BATISTA, RVD, SCOTT STEINER, BOOKER T, LANCE STORM, STACY KEIBLER, TORRIE WILSON, SABLE, HBK, GOLDUST,REY MYSTERIO,JR., TAJIRI, HURRICANE, HOGAN, NASH, GOLDBERG, RIC FAIR, ROWDY PIPER, O,HAIR, RANDY ORTAN, MIN WARNING, RHYNO,.
Also you should put new matches in the game even a match that never happen like triple threat match ironman and 4 way ironman. Also the special referee you should be able to pick anybody for referee. Also hardcore match you should be able to turn off give up in hardcore match. Also you should put a triple threat & 4 way uilmate submission match. Also don’t forget fall count anywere. And the best match that I want is frist blood match. Also I hope you can change their outfit like no mercy 64 for a sample the rock if want to put the rock in his long side burns you should be able to do that. Put Austin in his vest and short and HHH u should be able to put his bear on his face. What I’am to said it change there clothes. Add more moves that you can pick from. Austin should have a new stunner. It should go like this let him do a quick finger then stunner. And the rock should get the rock bottom from smackdown 1 and put it in the G1 or G2 move. Also Austin should have a new clothesline because he don’t always fall after clothesline somebody. HHH finish move should be like preigree and let his arm go and the opponent face hit the mat and turn over face up automatic. Also each wrestler should have to music to choose from. Like Austin alliance music. Also when you pick Austin and he come down the ramp with his vest you should be able to fight with he’s vest on and if you want to take it off you should push the select botton and will see him take it off. And any other wrestler who have vest or shirt.
Alex Lucard: Do you all see why I do a mailbag once or twice a month now? And those are only the good letters! :-) But I think Ron’s is a pretty tough one there to beat. I gave up on the grammar problems a paragraph into it.
Bebito Jackson: That is the single greatest thing I have ever seen in my life! LOL
Alex Lucard: Should we do one big almost assholish like column where we each contribute the weirdest letter we’ve gotten? Like a roundtable mailbag? Just to humour our collective audience?
Bebito Jackson: I do that in the Down-Lo almost every week! Heh. But seriously, I don’t know what kinds of yahoos read the rest of you guys, but my letters are pretty normal. Everyone speaks intelligently, if not a little crazily. I’ve only received one letter that can be called “off” and it was my one and only flame from when I first started writing. Otherwise my heading holds true…
“MY READERS ARE AWESOME AND I’VE GOT PROOF!”
Cory Lafin: You’ve only been hate mailed ONCE?? But you’re such an easy target… What did it say?
Bebito Jackson: Ha ha. I think I still have it. Here…
Bebito. Your column is the worst thing I have ever read from 411. Yes, even worse than anything Miles McNutt has done. Your lame attempts at humor and complete lack of actual skill makes my brain hurt. You lack even the most basic grasp of the basics of writing, and the fact that you take made up rumors and attempt to make them seem wacky would turn off even the least intelligent reader. I’m sure you see your lameness and poor grammar to be some sort of writing style, but very few people can actually get away with that kind of writing without looking stupid, and you are not Hyatte. Read a book, take a class, and quit 411 in the meantime, as it doesn’t need you %@!#$ up the page. Thank you for your time.
Cory Lafin: Ha ha ha ha! That part about being worse than Myles McNutt… That was great! lol.
Bebito Jackson: That was almost a year ago. One out of hundreds isn’t bad though, right? Most of the time I get sucked up to so much that I honestly wish I would get flamed more here and there just keep me grounded.
Alex Lucard: I get one anti-Alex email a week and a few dozen positive ones. Those emails are 99% of the time illiterate psycho emails from people who take games way too seriously. The rest are usually positive, even if some of those are writing at a 3rd grade level as well. The first negative email i’ve ever gotten that had some actual merit…well, i put it in my last mailbag because I screwed up. Of course, I did TRY to correct that screw up after I saw it on the page…but oh well. it added 2 angry emails. One from that guy and another profanity ridden one from an EA staff member. :-)
Lee Baxley: It doesn’t have to be flames you know. Bebito, don’t you have anything that was just a bit strange?
Bebito Jackson: Well… there was this one week when I started talking about how hot Bella was, and the next day I got this.
You’ve got my favorite column on 411 Games. The Spotlight thing is a nice little touch. Please post pictures of your HOT wife while she’s just getting out of the shower, being spanked with a leather belt. -vze4d74e
Cory Lafin: lol.
Frederick Badlissi: Heh. I wouldn’t mind seeing that either.
Bebito Jackson: What!?
Frederick Badlissi: Bella IS pretty hot man.
Alex Williams: Yeah! Stop hogging it. Bebito should have to share.
Bebito Jackson: EXCUSE ME?
Bryan Berg: Err… uh, hey look everybody! This is my all-time favorite from way back in the “Classic Reviews” era. I was reviewing Super Dodge Ball and I had this thing where if you e-mailed me what happened after you beat Team Russia (you play against yourselves), I’d mention your name in the next column. So tons of people did, and I guess this guy had a bit of trouble finding the “ending”…
YOU MUTHAFUCKER THERE IS NO TEAM AFTER RUSSIA I BEAT IT ON REGULAR AND FUCKING DIFFICUTL YOU ARE A FUCKING LIAR YOU GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH
Bryan Berg: That was my first bit of angry mail. It was fun.
Alex Lucard: BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! That mad? Jesus. Maybe he was playing the GBA version Atlus did?
Bebito Jackson: I stand corrected. THAT is the greatest single thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. LOL
Ron Yip: I can’t let Berg steal my thunder! I have to win this competition. This was one of the first e-mails I ever received from a reader.
“What kind of stupid name is Ron Yip?”
Ron Yip: Now how do you like them apples?
Jeff Watson: That was weak, man.
Cory Lafin: Yeah, that was whack.
Ron Yip: Whatever. I don’t write for this retarded site anymore, anyway.
Chris Pankonin: That reminds me. What the heck are you doing here in the first place?
Ron Yip: …
Chris Pankonin: Well??
Ron Yip: Hey, you let her stay here and she doesn’t even work in the Games Zone!
*Ron points over to Claire Flynn Boyle from 411 Music sitting in the corner. Claire looks up from her GameGear, smiles, and waves at everybody.*
Jeff Watson: That’s totally different man. She’s a chick.
Alex Williams: Yeah. There’s a chance she might get the urge to invite all her posh friends over and strip for us one of these days.
Ron Yip: What? No she won’t! The odds of that are one to a billion!
Jeff Watson: Yeah, but we can’t take that chance.
Bryan Berg: He’s right, man.
Alex Lucard: AH HA! Found it! This right here is the KING of all disturbing letters. Wait until you see this drunken rambling… This is in regards to my question to the readers comment in the column a couple weeks back about goth chicks.
Fucking hell man, you described my most recent ex to a T… A t-bone steak, cause that bitch was fat as hell.
My long time GF had cheated on me 3 months prior to me meeting the goth chick and i needed some action (Rebound time).
She was a girl i knew, and was goth and f*cking fat. But i didn’t care, I still hit it.
The thing was, she ALWAYS FUCKING TALKED ABOUT VAMPIRES. She loved that goddamn Queen of the Damned movie and I’d always laugh and be like “Yea Alliah plays that part great…CUZ SHES DEAD! rahahah!” And the bitch (my ex) actually THOUGHT she was a vampire! She would f*cking bite me HARD as hell when i was bangin it and id like have to hit her to stop. Kinky yes, but too painful. :-p
I banged her a few times and then left her cuz she was nuts.
The moral here: Goth chicks ARE always fat and they ARE always into the vampire shit. But they can provide some kinky sex and you can usually hit it any way you want to…
P.S. A few months ago, i gave you a drunken rant on how they should make a Parappa the Rappa TV show about him going into gangsta rap and then gettin shot. WELL THEY ARE ACTUALLY MAKING A PARRAPPA TV SHOW IN JAPAN! It aint quite like my vision, but its being made by the nutcases who made Digi Carat, so it should be just as crazy.
Also, just put my name under uh…Steve or something. I dont want fatty mcgoth seeing that. i know, put it as EHHH STEVE! Ahahahahahahahah
Chris Pankonin: Now THAT is just… perfect.
Bebito Jackson: Ladies and gentlemen. The winner and NEW champion… Alex Lucard!
*laughter and clapping*
Alex Lucard: Thank you, thank you. I’d like to dedicate this honor to Cthulhu, Sakara Taisen, my level 47 Rekuza, and several of the Spice Girls. May they all live long satisfying lives.
Soon afterward, Claire Flynn Boyle invited her friends over and we all played naked Mario Party. Just another normal day at 411 Games…
Everyone please remember that if you ever send anything inexcusably retarded in to any of the 411 Games staff, there’s a very HIGH probability that we’ll pass them between ourselves and collectively make fun of you. It’s our nature after all. :p
And man, do I miss Ron Yip.