Inside Pulse 12

Retrograding Weekend News 07.19.03

First, let me say I have the most fanatical and best audience on 411. Less than 48 hours after part 1 showed up, I received 20 emails about my breakup with my ex. Sure some of them were downright psychotic and made me glad I’ve never given her last name out to any of you, but still, the sentiment was there. I think.

Anyways, let’s take a look at the remaining 9 of the top ten. Now I’ll be honest I cheated a bit and fit in the three members of the 411 staff that took part. But that was mainly so you could see what the rest of the team though. All three are amusing and fun.

We’ll start with Cory Laflin. I’ve included both his emails. The first was him just guessing at stats as he had never played the game. And the second is an after. Still it’s amusing as the boy who would be X-Pac (and Cory, you’re more than welcome to be the X-Pac in the 411 Kliq. I just assumed anyone who got the X-Pac slot would be insulted, so I didn’t assign it.) does a pretty good take on the Goth God of Gaming. Sorry. One of you recently referred to me as that and I found it so amusing I had to put it in here. Especially because he did a Fritz Von Eric and cast me in an ethnicity totally different from my own. :-D

Alex,
You know, I have no idea what the stats are in EWR
(and if you could direct me to a copy of the game, I
would be appreciative) but this is just too rich an
opportunity. You’ve given me two (brawling,
charisma), and I think I can approximate the rest.

Remember, you asked for it. Mwah-ha-ha-haaaaah.

The music hits. The Damned fills the coliseum with
raw, unfettered energy. You come out to the stage to
a huge pop. You ARE The Scouser!! Despite your
simple costume, red wrestling boots and Chelsea-blue
trunks, the fans can’t take their eyes off of you.
Except to look at your manager, the lovely Carol (that
would be Carol from “Changing Rooms.” RrrRRROWRr.)
She’s dressed in a white tank and a short kilt. Stacy
Keibler boils with jealousy.

Strength: 33
– While you are a stout British man, strength is not
your primary asset. If strength was the guarantee of
success how could Ric Flair have 16 world titles? Or
how could Shawn Michaels compete with the likes of
HHH? No, you may not be Big Poppa Pump, but you . . .
you’re WIRY.

Brawling: 80
– As a Chelsea fan living in Manchester, you’ve had
to fight for your own survival every day of your life.
Very few can match your brawling ability, which
actually seems to get better the drunker you get.

Constitution: 95
– Repeated beatings by angry Man U. fans have forced
you to develop an almost Foleyan ability to withstand
pain. Once, after splitting a fifth of scotch
backstage with Scott Hall, one of the most brutal
brawls in the history of the NWA ensued, with chairs,
bottles, midgets, and Vince Russo flying everywhere.
Russo claimed it was a shoot, but upon inspection of
the footage, you can tell that the pass-load nailgun
was rigged. (Of course, Hall was a complete
professional. He missed all of the vital organs.)

Speed: 80
– The aforementioned beatings also honed your ability
to run like hell at the first sign of an angry mob.
Another pleasant side-effect is the ability to dodge
multiple attacks, making multi-heel beatdowns on you
nearly impossible to perform.

Technique: 25
– There wasn’t a lot of time for fancy suplexes and
reversals on the streets of Manchester. Still,
between your brawling and your speed moves you could
have a 1 in this category and have larger movesets
than most of the WWE upper card right now.

Charisma: 99
– Rocky. Jericho. Flair. Foley. You. You have
natural exuberance. Frankly, you’re just happy to be
alive and the hell out of Manchester. You have the
rare ability to connect with the fans at will. You
pose without being arrogant. You preen without being
aloof. Your mic skills put you in that region few
occupy, where a Rocky promo against you is not
necessarily the end of your career. Jericho won’t put
you on the Highlight Reel. HHH has to have Flair do
the talking to you. You will go far. Any time you do
the job you are giving someone the rub of their
career, and you are bulletproof at this point. Oh,
you haven’t won the World Title yet, but eventually
HHH will see the writing on the wall, and the crowd
will get what they’ve wanted for years. (And as long
as we’re dreaming, he’ll bring beer to the post-show
party!)

I have no idea where you’re from in Britain, so
forgive me if I’ve inadvertantly insulted you. I only
know the most basic things about EPL football and I
have no favorite team, unless you count the ones that
have American players. I mostly follow international
football. (Argentina: BAD. Italians: BAD.)

-Cory

How cool was that? TONS of British pop culture references, and a lot of in jokes. I really enjoyed it. But I did have to point him to the game and to point out I wasn’t British. So here’s what our newest news reporter gave back to me. And it’s mostly recycled. But hey, it’s still funny!

You know what? I like the gimmick I gave you. If
Roddy Piper, a Canadian, can play a scotsman, then you
can play a brit. A british, pro-USA character would
fit in nicely on RAW against the canadian and
french(-canadian) anti-USA characters. That and I
just can’t bring myself to take out the bit about
Carol from Changing Rooms in a wife-beater and kilt.

So my original entry stands, save for the edits I’ve
made for actual EWR stats. Yes, I’m just too lazy to
write a whole new entry.

The music hits. The Damned fills the coliseum with
raw, unfettered energy. You come out to the stage to
a huge pop. You ARE The Scouser!! Despite your
simple costume, red wrestling boots and Chelsea-blue
trunks, the fans can’t take their eyes off of you.
Except to look at your manager, the lovely Carol
(that
would be Carol from “Changing Rooms.” RrrRRROWRr.)
She’s dressed in a white tank and a short kilt.
Stacy
Keibler boils with jealousy.

Brawling: 80
– As a Chelsea fan living in Manchester, you’ve had
to fight for your own survival every day of your
life.
Very few can match your brawling ability, which
actually seems to get better the drunker you get.

Stiffness: 95
– Repeated beatings by angry Man U. fans have forced
you to develop an almost Foleyan ability to withstand
pain. Once, after splitting a fifth of scotch
backstage with Scott Hall, one of the most brutal
brawls in the history of the NWA ensued, with chairs,
bottles, midgets, and Vince Russo flying everywhere.
Russo claimed it was a shoot, but upon inspection of
the footage, you can tell that the pass-load nailgun
was rigged. (Of course, Hall was a complete
professional. He missed all of the vital organs.)

Speed: 80
– The aforementioned beatings also honed your ability
to run like hell at the first sign of an angry mob.
Another pleasant side-effect is the ability to dodge
multiple attacks, making multi-heel beatdowns on you
nearly impossible to perform.

Technical: 25
– There wasn’t a lot of time for fancy suplexes and
reversals on the streets of Manchester. Still,
between your brawling and your speed moves you could
have a 1 in this category and have larger movesets
than most of the WWE upper card right now.

Charisma: 99
– Rocky. Jericho. Flair. Foley. You. You have
natural exuberance. Frankly, you’re just happy to be
alive and the hell out of Manchester. You have the
rare ability to connect with the fans at will. You
pose without being arrogant. You preen without being
aloof. Your mic skills put you in that region few
occupy, where a Rocky promo against you is not
necessarily the end of your career. Jericho won’t
put you on the Highlight Reel. HHH has to have Flair do
the talking to you. You will go far. Any time you
do the job you are giving someone the rub of their
career, and you are bulletproof at this point. Oh,
you haven’t won the World Title yet, but eventually
HHH will see the writing on the wall, and the crowd
will get what they’ve wanted for years. (And as long
as we’re dreaming, he’ll bring beer to the post-show
party!)

Over: 75
– Your youth and relative inexperience in the sports
entertainment world is you weakness, if it can even be
called that, but you are a lock to make the step from
midcarder to main eventer in a very short amount of
time. Your brooding feud with Intercontintal Champion
Christian is really picking up steam. The rumor is
that you’ll be wearing that belt by the Royal Rumble,
and the big gold one maybe by WMXX.

Sells: 85
– You can make almost anybody look good in the ring,
in fact, many in the locker room blame you (jokingly,
of course) for Albert and Big Show’s last pushes. You
know that selling the moves only makes matches more
exciting, and you’ve been known to make things a bit
more stiff for your opponent if you feel they’re not
selling enough.

There. I’ll come up with mine later.

-Cory

Like I said. I really enjoyed this. I’d have loved to have seen a match from him. Especially as Cory’s probably the most into wrestling out of all the games staff. But I figure it would have been me Beating HHH. In fact that was the match I got the most. Damn your Smarkist IWC ways! My Favorite match was Myself and New Jack vs. Raven and Saturn. If only because it’s not only a HUGE in joke, but because it happened. Kudos to the guy who wrote in and somehow new that (Mike Williams), even if he did get disqualified for creeping me out with those intimate details of my life.

Bryan Berg

Not much here guys. But Bryan contributed and basically made me into Ryu from SF2. Just included it as one of the top 9 because he tried…

Hey man. Sorry it took me so long to do this. I’m not too well-initiated in the ways of EWR (played it a few times, never had the time to get really into it), but here’s a gimmick idea for you….

Alex “The Vagabond” Lucard. Deemed “too tough for England”, Alex travels the world, seeking the most ferocious challengers for combat. He has no homeland, and nobody knows quite what makes him tick, but EVERYBODY knows that he’s a man to be feared. He’s smart and calculating and he knows what he’s doing, so an opponent’s mistake is often their last. Alex is very experienced in the ring – he’s seen it all. Those who wish to take on The Vagabond should be in for the fight of their lives.

That sounded so much better before I wrote it down. Later dude. —Bryan

Just wanted to point out that nearly everyone called me Alex Lucard or Alucard instead of Lex Dracula which Adam Ryland wanted to call me. Just an odd note. We’ll touch on another odd thing I noticed that occurred from my interview with Adam below.

Lee Baxley

Nope. Sorry Lee. You didn’t win. You were good. But you just didn’t win. Definitely the best of the 411 Threesome though. And 4 411’ers doing the EWR thing just adds into what you’ll see in Lee’s entry”¦

Alex Lucard’s EWR Contest
By Lee Baxley

Basically, I took this a little bit further in my mind than you had originally intended, but I had fun with it. Rather than making just a version of you in the game, I made a stable and had a whole concept to go with it. It essentially goes like this.

Stable: 411Horsemen
The premise is simple. One day, HHH is out in the ring talking about how good he is and stuff, and out comes 5 people. We have Bryberg, the cruiserweight. We have Fleedawg, the overweight power guy. We have Rumor Monkey’s Bitch, being led to the ring on a leash by a monkey. And of course, we have Alucard, the tall, confident, charismatic leader and voice of the group. Also walking with them is their manager, Chris Pankonin.

They threaten HHH by saying that he better shut his mouth or he’ll get a beating of biblical proportions. Of course, HHH responds, “You and what army.” This causes the Horsemen to laugh, and announce that the entirety of the WWE couldn’t take them on, because there’s 406 of their friends waiting in the back, including the likes of Ashish, Widro, Hyatte, Eric S., Grut, Flea, Cory Laflin, Jeff Watson and Matt Hardin, just to name a few. By now, J.R. is screaming about how could there be so many great names in one stable. This sets up the hugest feud of all time: the uber-heel faction of the 411Horsemen and the rest of the WWE. The WCW v. New World Order and the Invasion storylines had nothing against this. Can you feel the 411Mania?

The Leader: Alucard
Alucard is a tall chap, typically wearing mostly black. He wears black leather pants, and a Victorian style frilly shirt, over which he wears a large black flowing cape. With long, white hair and pasty skin, he could be one of the undead, but he is quite attractive to the ladies. His voice is strong and confident, and he speaks with vast knowledge, wisdom and intelligence, which is why he’s the mouthpiece of the “Gamers” faction of the 411Horsemen, which were the advance party on the war against the WWE.

Stats:
Brawl: 72
Though not the meanest out there, Alucard can dish out the pain with the best of them.
Speed: 27
Alucard is a patient individual, and never finds the need to rush through things. When he does attack though, he will get in a flurry of punches before you know it.
Technical: 39
Alucard is a very learned person, and though he doesn’t know all the moves, he knows more tricks than anyone and can exploit the weaknesses of others very well.
Over: 81
Much like Edge, Alucard is very popular with the ladies, but his talent and charisma are much more evident. Everyone likes him, which is another reason why he’s the leader.
Charisma: 89
Alucard oozes confidence and can talk anyone into doing anything simply by making them realize that he’s right and they aren’t.
Sells: 63
While he’s quite the compeditor, Alucard will not lay down for anyone unless he feels it is in his best interests, or the interests of his stablemates.
Stiffness: 69
Since he isn’t as much of a student of the game as some, he does know how to make the fight look real, and how to cause his opponent pain.

Finishing Moves:
Retrograder
This insane move will make opponents crap themselves! While most people would think that a top rope twisting corkscrew swanton bomb would be impossible, Alucard makes it look easy.
Mailbag Advance
When Alucard plants this move, his opponents will feel like they’ve had a ton of mail dropped on their head! It starts out like a Jackhammer, where he picks his opponent straight up, but rather than dropping them on their back, he falls backwards and drops them on their head!

SMACKDOWN: The 411Horsemen Debut
Debut Angle
Triple H is in the ring, when suddenly 5 people rush the ring and beat him down. Alucard seems to be the leader of the group, calling the shots. He takes the microphone and announces that they are called 411Horsemen, before leading the group away.
Overall Rating: 92%

World Title Match: Triple H (champion) v. Alucard
Alucard vs Triple H (For The World Heavyweight Title) : Alucard slams Triple H. Chanelling the spirit of Misawa, Alucard uses a forearm to the face. Big backdrop on HHH, executed well. Fallaway slam by Alucard. HHH pushes out of a Alucard hold. Rude Awakening on Alucard by HHH. Spear by Triple H. There’s a two count on the pin. Alucard counters a sleeper hold by turning it into a jaw breaker. Massive backbreaker, HHH got planted. Early reports indicate that the back was *not* actually broken, so the move’s name should actually be backhurter. There’s a two count on the pin. Massive lariat, apparently Alucard has been watching The Best Of Stan Hansen again. Cover, but there’s a last second kick-out. HHH drops out the back of a Alucard bodyslam attempt. Stiff chop lights up Alucard. Alucard drops out the back of a Triple H bodyslam attempt. Alucard with a spinning neckbreaker on HHH. Alucard has Triple H down on the canvas and is ascending the corner. Through the air, Retrograder! 1….2….3. Rumor Monkey’s Bitch comes running down the aisle with a chair and into the ring! HHH turns…and is dropped by a vicious chair shot! Rumor Monkey’s Bitch has left HHH down and bloodied. **1\2 rating. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.
Winner and new World Champion: Alucard
Overall Rating: 67%
Crowd Reation: 63%
Match Quality: 72%

Keep in mind that this whole thing sounded a lot better in my head than it does on paper. Now that it’s written out, it sounds kinda shitty. It’s too bad too, because I thought I had a chance of winning. Oh well. I had fun doing it and I hope you enjoy reading it. Seeya later!

What to touch on first? First, Lee’s making me out to be my namesake that Konami can no longer used for one of their Castlevania characters thanks to having really good lawyers. :-P Second, what’s scary is that the Retrograder’ which Lee gave to me as my finisher is actually eerily similair to the move that royally f*cked up my spine when the person flinched and put their knees up. But as Online Onslaught staff member Chris Lucky’ Lopez, when it comes to the world of professional wrestling, I’m done some even weirder shit. Hey! I can plug a very close friend from a rival web page if I want to. We’ve been friends before either us started working for rival competitors.

Now Chris just has to say Right back at you Darquefyr!’ over at Online Onslaught to confuse everyone who isn’t either a die hard Cthulhu, Persona, Vampire: The Masquerade, or a wrestling fan with way too much insider knowledge.

But that’s not the end of Lee’s entry! Oh no! He also included HIS stats

Full Name: Lee Baxley
Shortened: Lee (or if going for a nickname, FLee)
Gender: Male
Birth Month: October
Age: 25
Weightclass: Heavyweight

Brawling: 59
Speed: 20
Technical: 74 (were I a wrestler, that is)
Stiffness: 67
Selling: 73
Over: 32 (hard to judge, but I think that’s accurate)
Charisma: 54
Attitude: 79
Behavior: 83

I think that should do it. If I left out anything, tell me. And back I go to Golden Sun.

Lee

So now you know when to send Lee Birthday Presents. My big day is August 17th. And ug. I’ll no longer be in my early 20’s. God how horrible.

Next up is one of the weirder entries I got. And it brings up an important point. See, that interview with Adam Ryland? IT WAS MEANT TO BE FUNNY! My god, so many people took that thing seriously. So many people got mad at Adam for coming across like a prick. We were just having fun and being stupid. I had that big disclaimer at the top of the interview, remember? Sheesh. Read some angy EWR fans over at Gamefaqs to see how seriously people took that thing.

Sriram Lee

Name : Lex Dracula

Age : 75 [You have extremely few years of life left if at all any because of
you begging to be in EWR]

Weight Class : Lightheavyweight [Was there any doubt?]

Desposition : Face

Gimmick : Journalist [Duh!]

Over : 30 [Known to small group]

Brawling : 0 [Website columnist does not brawl]

Speed : 100 [Typing all that stuff must make your fingers really fast.Hey,If
Tenacious Z can wrestle with one leg,you can wrestle with your fingers]

Technical : 0 [Website columnist does not hit technical moves]

Charisma : 90 [Just to please you]

Selling : 0 [You are not selling anything]

Stiffness : 90 [A website columnist is pretty harsh dont you think?]

Finisher name : The Big Gigantic Ultimate Great Oh My God That Is Cool Uber
Mega Awesome Finger Poke of Doom [Take advantage of your speedy fingers]

Angle : Triple H and Stephanie McMahon are in the ring, which has been
decorated with a wedding theme. A minister is at the alter, and he conducts
the ceremony. When he asks if there are any objections, Lex Dracula comes
out hits the ring. Triple H tries to fight him off, but gets floored. Triple
H can barely stand. Here it comes – Mega Awesome Finger Poke. Lex Dracula
also floors the minister, before leaving via the crowd, persued by Stephanie
McMahon.

[Steph has left Hunter for Lex….let the Hunter overness killing begin!!]

Match : Lex Dracula vs Triple H (For The World Heavyweight Title) : Lex
Dracula strikes HHH. HHH reverses a waistlock. Lex Drac takes a headbutt
from Triple H. Triple H misses a clothesline…and takes out the referee by
mistake. Death valley driver by Triple H, Lex Dracula is down and hurt.
Pinfall attempt, but the ref is conveniently laid out. Lex Dracula fights
out of a grapple. Driven DDT by Lex Dracula. The ring shook violently,
instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster.
Spinning bulldog in the corner, HHH is down. There’s a two count on the pin.
Springboard dropkick from Lex Dracula. Nicely done. Pinfall attempt gets a
2.9999. HHH reverses a waistlock. Lex Drac walks into a spike slam. Cover,
but there’s a last second kick-out. Lex Dracula takes the advantage after a
i-block-your-punch-you-don’t-block-mine routine. Triple H is in trouble.
Here it comes – Mega Awesome Finger Poke. 1….2…3, it’s finished. Lex
Dracula slides to the outside and grabs a chair, then climbs back into the
ring. HHH turns around…and gets planted with a huge chair shot to the
head! He is left down and out on the canvas. ** rating for this one. Perfectly Acceptable Wrestling.

Road agent notes : Triple H lost overness from this match. Lex Dracula
gained overness from this match. This match suffered because the crowd were
still pumped up from the last one, and so this bout was seen as something of
a let-down to them. The World Heavyweight title has lost image.

[Lex killed Hunter’s push :(]

And BTW,I know the free game ur giving away is EWR..i saw rite thru ya :D

Well, as you all know by now, it’s certainly NOT a copy of a free game that one can download off the internet anyways. We’re not cheap here at 411. Okay, well the BOSSES are cheap. But not me!

But here’s another weird one. This one isn’t necessarily a GOOD one. Just well”¦weird. Another person who wants me to be ancient, gave me a weird name, and a gimmick so far off the mark it made Cory’s Alex is British’ gimmick look plausible.

Pl80n2me@aol.com

Full Name: Lucardex
Short Name: Ludex
Gender: Male
Birth Month: August
Age: 70
Weight Class: Heavyweight
Employer: None
Position: Jobber
Contract: Written
Creative Control Clause: [,/]
Wage: $0

Worker Statistics
Brawling: 100
Speed: 5
Technical: 0
Stiffness: 10
Selling: 2
Over: 90
Charisma: 7
Attitude: 100 (After seeing this email)
Behavior: 93
High Spots [,/]
American [,/]
Booker [,/]

Speaks: Yes
Roster: None
Disposition: Heel >:-()
Gimmick: Stoner ;)
Primary Finisher: 411 Ear Bite
Other Finisher: Rhubard Pieslam

Again, this made no sense. No sense at all. Which is why I included it. I know, I know. Everyone wanted to see in depth GOOD attempts at this contest. But the truth is, I like to mix it up a little. Admit it, everyone wants to see a few posts that make you say, HEY! I could easily have done better than that!’ Because then maybe you’ll enter next time. Ah, psychology”¦

Before we hit the big three, I want one last entry from my friend from over at livejournal to have his entry looked at. Anyone who has Ebessan has one of his LJ Icons automatically gets in here.

Bullywug from livejournal

Haven’t got around to putting ol’ Lex in a funny EWR situation yet, but..

Based on the wrestlers you’ve listed in your LJ bio, I’m thinking amalgam.. Very good all-round talent, with an emphasis on high-flying/brawling. A tendency towards getting into trouble backstage might keep him on the move, though, just to keep it interesting.

Brawling: 75
Speed: 85
Technical: 70
Stiffness: 65
Selling: 80
Over: 50 (midcard MLW/Cult level, plenty of room to grow)
Charisma: 70
Attitude: 80
Behaviour: 30

Disposition: Heel
Gimmick: Gothic

Prim. Finisher: The Interview (submission)

High Spots: Y (You will die of: Fall from Great Height)
Booker: Y (EWR experience surely has to count for something)

Okay, the dying from a fall from great heights is an inside joke. But nearly EVERYONE put me down as either a journalist or Goth. Nice to know with all the variation, that my gimmick was easy to agree upon.

Meanwhile, the party above me right now is blaring Sir Mixalot. Do you see what I’m missing for you all? I’m taking time out from a drunken gathering of assorted lunatics to give you yet another column! But that’s Alex: Appeasing the 411 readers before repairing his social life.

Alright. Top three time.

Grimace

I just wanted to thank/congratulate/kiss ass to you
for the damn good job you’ve done since you started.
You and Bebito are the best writers of the Game Zone.
The only person who was on your level is the “gone
since E3″ Joseph Stanley (I guess a ultra secret Halo
2 playable demo was worth more to Tha Pank then one of
his writers). I don’t know what the goal of your
columns are, but I’d guess it’s to try and get people
to play some damn good games, no matter how old or
“ugly” they may be. Thanks to your column I’ve made it
a point to play as many of the Shining Force games as
an English speaking person can(I’ve got through SF,
SFCD’s first book, and I’ve got SF2. All legally, of
course *winknudge*). And when Mother 3 is announced in
English for GBA, I will buy it like it’s going out of
style.

OK, now for your EWR stats:

Face/Heel: Definitely heel. You’ve probably pissed off
many a Squarefiend in your lifetime. (not to mention
the bounty SquarEnix has on your head).

Brawl: 17-25. Let’s face it, your a hardcore gamer.
Your not winning any fist fights here.

Speed: 30-35, if you’ve got some chunk, 65-70 if not.
If your chubby, you’re not moving fast, but if you’re
slender or average in weight, then you’ve got years of
gameplay to sharpen your reflexes.

Technical: 91-94. You’ve got an English degree(I
think), so you’ve got that critic’s eye for writing.
We can just pretend it carries over to wrestling
holds. Not to mention years of Shining Force and other
strategy games.

Over: I think 55-65 should be suffice. You’ve got a
cult following of fans, but you haven’t been unleashed
to a HUGE audience yet.

Charisma: Shit, anything in the 90’s.

Sells: 75-80. you’ve shown in many columns that you do
what you can to make your fellow writers look good.

Stiffness: Your debut column a ‘diss’ to Final
Fantasy/Squaresoft? One of the most fanatical reviews
ever for Ikaruga? An obession with H.P. Lovecraft and
his Satanic writings? 70-80 should work.

Speaks: Yup.

Superstar look: Nope. You’re a gamer, remember?

Finisher1: Overseas Import, a brutal looking Japanese
impact move.
Finisher2: Whiplash, a submission move. Cuz whiplash,
a whip, Castlevania games? Yeah.

Okay, that’s it. I done now.

Very cute. I really enjoyed this one.

Next up is PEPSI MAN. Besides having a handle from the coolest character in the Japanese version of Fighting Vipers, This guy went to some pretty big detail. Remember the guy from Thursday’s column. Pepsi Man topped him by creating an entire EWR diary and federation for the version of me that he made. Now, the main reason he didn’t win is because me made me a curtain jerker, when we all know I’m as main event as Keiji Muto. Still, his diary and entry are enough to win second prize. Too bad there was no actual second prize other than being told he’s the runner up in this column.

Hey yo. My name is Daniel Freda, otherwise known as “Pepsi Man”. It’s a bit late as I type this, so I hope it makes sense. I’ve created your character for EWR and used him within a fed made based around a forum I frequent. Anyway, here are the details I started you with…

Your name should be self-explanatory. I don’t know your birth month, so I set it to unknown, and put you at 25 years of age, since for some reason to me, that suggests “average.”
Since I don’t know your weight, I left you as a Heavyweight, which simply takes out your ability to compete for Lightweight Championships.
Didn’t give you an employer, because I plan on having signing you be one of my events in the game, if you know what I mean”¦”¦.
I set you as midcard, continuing with the “average” theme, which is also the reason for your $4000 a month salary, although $4000 a month may be slightly above average. I dunno.
Brawling: 50 – “average”
Speed: 75 – you have to be at least a bit quick to do work for a major website.
Technical: 80 – You seemed pretty smart in that interview, which would probably lend itself towards helping you manage to learn the holds and stuff.
Stiffness: 70 – Hey, you tell it how you see it.
Selling: 75 – I think you’d be professional enough to put other workers over.
Over: 10 – before this interview, I’d never heard of you.
Charisma: 75 – Might be higher, but again, I don’t know you that well.
Attitude: 80 – Just tried to make you fairly good.
Behavior: 95 – don’t want to see you in rehab.
High Spots – you’re cool enough.
Announcer – you probably know the names of the holds. ;)
American – it said that one of your residences was in Minneapolis, MN, so I figured f*ck it and used that.
Booker – I figure you can do it.
Speaks: Yes
Disposition: Face – you seem like a good guy. ;)
Gimmick: Journalist
Finishers: The People’s Knee Drop and the Falling Headbutt, simply because not enough people use Ground Finishers.
And that’s it.
You can find results from my game < href="http://www.dvsnwr.com/kapoutland/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=74">Here
If you’d prefer, I could try to fish for you and E-Mail you just the parts that include you, but what would the fun in that be? :p

And you know? I don’t want to see myself in rehab either! It would just suck. Seriously, check out his EWR diary. It’s interesting.
And that leaves us with the winner. Sad to say guys the winner is…PAUL LEVESQUE. Yup. That’s right. Even in a fantasy wrestling game held for video game junkies, Triple H himself has to come out and play politics. Seriously. And no he didn’t win because he’s the WWE champion. He won because he threatened to never job the title if he didn’t win this contest, and I couldn’t let that happen. I just couldn’t! So I gave into Titan Towers and let him win. Besides, after the dozens and dozens of times you had me beat the guy in EWR, I felt it was only fair I let him win once. After all, when does the guy EVER get to win IRL?
Heya there,

Sorry if I’m running late with this one. Been hard to find the free time to pull this out.

Before I get to the real meat, I must say I was really surprised that you printed my last letter in your mailbag (02-17). You know, it was just me talking about my gaming profile over the years, I kinda wondered if that could have run the risk of boring your readers? :) Don’t get me wrong, I just mean it’s not like the history of Shining Force, which actually has a chance of interesting someone.

Anyhow, let me extend a delayed “Welcome Back”, and I wish you that the relationship can survive the distance.

Now for the contest, though it would be logical to make you a staff member of some sort (and you said that we could make you into anything), on the other hand that would make it difficult to provide you with a recap of an angle or a match that you would take part in. And a staff member really has a lot less interesting stats with which to describe you. Sooooo, now I present to you: Alex Lucard, the wrestler… and please keep in mind that all of this is in good fun, I do not intend to offend anyone…

Full Name: Alex Lucard
Shortened Name: Alex
Gender: Male

Ok, the next 3, I’m totally guessing here…

Birth Month: November
Age: 25
Weight Class: Lightweight

Brawling: 50 If the internet columnist’s equivalent of brawling would be to write material that is bold, bigger that real, and relies heavily on punch lines, all I can say is that it’s not how Alex does it. Keep reading.. .

Speed: 87 Alex DOES have the capacity to churn out multiple columns per week, but this is not his best asset…

Technical: 98 THIS is his style. Every time he writes a column he puts a clinic on how to praise or bash a game. Not content to simply state “That game was no fun” or “This game has purty graphics (hehe, boobs!)”, he will do methodical researches on every game published by the same company, every game of similar genre and every game on the same system to present his fans a review that puts the game perfectly in perspective within the grand scheme of the video gaming industry. Yep, the guy is THIS dedicated.

Stiffness: 94 When the guy lashes out at someone, IT HURTS. No, really! See, the pen is mightier than the sword, so if his keyboard was a weapon everyone at Electronic Arts and Squaresoft would be DEAD by now.

Selling: 100 I mean, DAMN, this guy can convince dozens of complete strangers to go to all hell to try to find a copy of Persona 2 and fork over 80 bucks for it just by saying he likes the game, that’s MAD selling skills if I ever saw it!

Over: 85 After a remarquable debut highlighted by the famous “Top 10 RPG franchises” column, Alex gained an instantaneous legion of fans. If the story has stopped there this number would have remained in the 90s. Unfortunately several circumstances left him out of the public eye for an extended period of time which brought his overness down a little. Still, every one is happy to see him back and through his future work or a well chosen feud he may regain the few points he lost.

Charisma: 84 This has to be pretty high if this guy managed to get a few girlfriends, unlike most gaming nerds. But not too high because every time a new Shining Force game would come out he would be unable to maintain enough charisma to prevent the girls from leaving.

Attitude: 20 Sadly Alex rarely puts anyone over. He doesn’t plug the other columnists’ work, like they all do!

Behaviour: 80 Though I don’t know him personally, he’s gotta be very well-behaved if he didn’t kill anyone while he was in England.

High Spots: No, he doesn’t write columns that simply attempt to get “Holy Shit!” chants from the crowd. Not his style.

American: Yes, though he almost has been assimilated by the brits. Luckily he barely escaped this hideous fate.

Fonz Factor: Are you kidding! This guy is the definition of cool! He likes games! He likes wrestling! He has every console ever made! He knows people in the industry… IMPORTANT PEOPLE!!! Huh, and… he wrote books! (Oh wait, so did Scott Keith, nevermind.) Huh… Oh yeah! Not only does he have a bride-to-be, but he managed to find one that likes games too! That’s like the ultimate gamer fantasy!!!

Superstar Look: Obviously not, the guy is 25 and he is engaged. Meaning he was not attractive enough to live a happy single life of debauchery, he had to put a ring on the first cute thing that came his way to be sure to get some. (Ok, I know this contradicts what I said under Fonz Factor, but I figured that one these two statements HAD to be right, so I included them both.)

Diva: Secretly, he whishes, but alas…

Menacing: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Announcer: Oh no! There’s just no way Alex will accept to whore himself by reading ads for the crappy games that sponsor the WWE. The man has his dignity!

Booker: He whishes, and the owners gave him the books once, to see what he could do. He made a show entirely based on Phantasy Star, Sakura Taisen and Valkyrie Profile. The ratings were horrendous, because the masses want to see Final Fantasy and Tomb Raider. He was told he would never book again because he is not giving the fans what they want.

Trainer: Definitely, he will gladly train the gaming rookies to the ways of mastering Ikaruga and Panzer Dragoon, as on par with his gimmick (see below).

Speaks: Yes …like this guy ever shuts up!

Disposition: Face Obviously, everyone loves this guy… except Square fanboys that is.

Gimmick: Man on a mission This man will spend every second of his breathing life trying to save us all from bad gaming, relentlessly pleading us to play games such as Lunar and Clock Tower, waging war against the embodiments of evil that are Electronic Arts and Acclaim, roaming the four corners of the earth in his quest to spread his love of shooters, and seeking the ultimate power, the power to resurrect the hardware department of Sega.

Primary Finisher: the Endless Shining Force Praise A submission move where Alex will apply a rear chinlock on his opponent then proceed to endlessly extol the merits of Shining Force until his opponent can’t take it any longer and pleads to be put out of his misery.

Secondary Finisher: the Emulation Snitch Impact move. Alex will squeal the gaming companies on to his EVIL rom-playing opponent, causing him to be brought to court. This move’s impact is on the victim’s wallet.

Tag Team: Down-grading, with Bebito Jackson Kinda like the opposite of Evolution, if you will. The two members of this team are prime examples of how sometimes the progress of mankind takes a step back.

Stable: 411mania “A scary bunch of nerds set to destroy all forms of entertainment by giving bad reviews and whining all the time about how they could have done it better”. Description provided by Triple H.

Manager: Chris Pankonin Though this guy is said to be the head of 411games, in reality he holds no real power whatsoever. Every member of his stable think of him as a joke and never listen to him. His only purpose is to act as a subordinate for the higher power of 411mania, Ashish.

Signed a written contract to be an upper-midcarder in the WWE for 0$ per month. THAT’S RIGHT, HE WORKS FOR FREE!!!!

Match recap:
I made a few tries, and ended up choosing this one both because it got a good rating and because Scott Keith is stammering like a senile old man!

Alex Lucard vs Chris Jericho : Jericho walks into a high dropkick from Alex Lucard. Jericho walks into a high dropkick from Alex Lucard. Second rope flying axe handle, Jericho goes down. Driven DDT by Alex Lucard. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Jericho reverses a Alex Lucard hammerlock. Driven DDT by Chris Jericho. The ring shook violently, instantly making it better at selling than some of the current roster. Jericho crushes Alex with a big legdrop. Hooks the leg for a two count. Alex Lucard avoids a Chris Jericho avalanche. Alex crushes Jericho with a big legdrop. There’s a two count on the pin. Springboard dropkick from Alex Lucard. Nicely done. Pin : 1 – 2 – 2.9999999. Chris Jericho reverses a hip toss. Jericho hits a massive spinning kick to the jaw. Alex Lucard avoids a Chris Jericho avalanche. Legsweep out of Nowhere. Where is Nowhere, and why do moves keep coming out of there? Does it have a factory? Alex Lucard floors Chris Jericho. Chris Jericho gets locked in the Endless Shining Force Praise! Submission victory! Good **** rating.

Overall rating 88%, Crowd reaction 90%, Match quality 86%

There it is. Hope you had fun reading this. ‘Til next time, take care.

Man, HHH just loves to bury Jericho, doesn’t he?

But seriously. This is the funniest out of the lot and held true to my Retrograding columns. So it had to win. So yes, HHH IS the game. He is THAT DAMN GOOD! And he is the winner of the 411 EWR Contest! So congratulations you big nosed bastard!

Wait. What’s that? It’s not PAUL Levesque, but Serge Levesque? Well, they’re both Canadians and share the same last name. Guess I just assumed ol’ Serge was Triple H’s secret internet name so he can figure out what Wrasslin’ columnists to bitch about over at WWE.com

Seriously though Serge, KICK ASS ENTRY. Email me with a list on your systems (unless you own a Neo Geo) and we’ll talk prizes. I’m guessing from your entry you wouldn’t mind that copy of Persona 2: Eternal Punishment that Lee was lusting after as well.

Thanks to everyone for participating and holy crap if you actually sat down and read all twenty pages of this column!