411 Games Rumor Down-Lo 06.10.03

411 Games Rumor Down-Lo 06.10.03

*Scene focuses inside of what appears to be a giant laboratory of some sort. Several men in white lab coats and one little monkey, also in a miniature lab coat, are scurrying around looking at computer terminals, adjusting nozzles on machines, and writing things down on clipboards. One of the men stands out amongst the franticness, as he seems more confident than the others, more focused. The numbers 4-1-1 are inscribed in black on the back of his lab coat and he’s wearing a backwards baseball cap with E3 on it. Obviously the leader, he purposefully barks orders at the other workers keeping order amongst chaos. Everyone obeys, some begrudgingly, some more jubilantly, but all showing respect in their respective ways. The camera pans around to reveal that the man is Chris Pankonin with a bit of sweat falling from his brow, but also showing a smirk on his face and a glimmer in his eye. In front of him on the biggest of the lab’s computer terminals amongst a sea of small black and gray knobs, is a large red button enclosed inside a plastic case. Staring down at the vital life statistics readout on his terminal he holds up one hand, signaling to his staff that they are about to begin and silence quickly breaks out within the lab with only the gentle hum of the machines resonating in the background. As everyone stands quiet and ready at their respective stations, Pankonin slowly flips up the plastic case and… after a brief pause, pushes the red button.*

Pankonin: We can rebuild him gentlemen…

*Suddenly the peacefulness and quiet is replaced with bright red alert lights flashing in the background and a loud buzz-like alarm booming throughout the lab. A large stasis chamber is seen slowly rising up from the ground in front of Chris Pankonin as smoke fills up the surrounding area.*

Pankonin: …stronger…

*Alex Lucard is shown at his station pulling down a lever. As he does, the vital life statistics on Chris’ readout rise a bit as the stasis chamber continues its journey upward.*

Pankonin: …faster…

*Bryan Berg is shown flipping several switches at his station, also causing the statistics on Chris’ readout to rise further.*

Pankonin: …smarter…

*The rumor monkey is seen turning a huge dial at his station, but nothing happens. He turns it again, but still no response.*

Rumor Monkey: (*Frustrated monkey noises*)

*Chris looks over wondering what’s wrong. Then monkey kicks the front of his station, causing it hum again, and the statistics on Chris’ readout jump considerably.*

Pankonin: …funnier…

*Joseph Stanley is shown reading a copy of Playboy. Suddenly realizing that it’s his turn to do something, he leisurely pushes a couple of random buttons on his terminal, while still not raising his eyes from the magazine. The vital statistics on the readout continue to rise.*

Pankonin: And, err… stronger…

*Lee Baxley simply turns on a PS2 connected to his station and boots up Xenosaga Episode I. For some reason all statistics on Chris’ readout max themselves out.*

Pankonin: Together we can rebuild him gentlemen, and he will be better than ever. Yes, I tell you, gentlemen, better than ever…

*Finally the stasis chamber’s ascent upward has ceased. The lights are still flashing, but the alarm has been muted. Everyone leaves their stations and eagerly gathers round behind Chris. Smoke is still emanating heavily from the chamber as the doors slowly begin to open. A figure can be seen taking a couple of step out from within inside, but is not fully recognizable due to all the smoke. Chris appears worried.*

Pankonin: Can you hear me? Are you alright? Are you able to respond?

*A few seconds seems like an eternity as nothing but dead silence is heard, but suddenly…*

Mystery Person: Hi, I’m Bebito Jackson, and the boys at the unemployment office call me the Night Hawk!

*Worry is replaced by surprise as everyone looks around at each other in utter disbelief.*

Alex Lucard: D*mn it! He still sucks!!

*Chris Pankonin is more at ease now, the familiar smirk returning to his face as he relaxes his muscles and allows himself to sit down in his chair*

Pankonin: Exactly.

*Before anyone can respond to an obviously insane Chris Pankonin, the smoke finally clears to reveal a completely naked Bebito Jackson.*

Ron Yip: Oh for the love of… nobody said anything about him being naked! I didn’t need to see that!!

Bryan Berg: I’m blind! Dear God, I’m blind!!

*Several of the 411 Games staff fall to the ground and start convulsing.*

Lee Baxley: Wow. So I guess what they say about black guys is true after all…

Rumor Monkey: (*Impressed monkey noises*)


411 Games Quote of The Week
For god’s sakes I haven’t even begun my review yet and I’m already foaming at the mouth telling you to get off your asses, stop staring at the computer and run down to your local video game retailer and to DEMAND your own personal copy of Ikaruga before you have to rend the poor store worker’s head from his torso from sheer impatience and fanatical desire to possess this game.
— Alex Lucard (Retrograding Review: Ikaruga – GC)

(411 DOWN-LO ONLINE 06-10-03: BEGIN TRANSMISSION…)

I’m back.

Did ya miss me?

Or course ya did! But before we get too far into things, let us all first pay homage:


The Greatest Box Art Ever.

Ok, now that that short order of business is concluded let me just say that I missed you guys too! Sort of. I’m not going to front; it was nice having some time off. It made way for more “quality” time with the wife, extended game playing sessions, and oh yeah… the ability to take care of that little matter that kept me away in the first place (although it’s still an issue really, but not so much that I can’t throw out something once a week again; more on that later). All I ask is that you give me a week or two to get my house back in order. If you see some “old” news/rumors in the first few reports don’t crap yourself just yet, it’s just me getting back into the groove. It’s been a while, and I’m probably a bit rusty. Not to worry though, ’cause I’ll be back to writing the contrived, trite, thoughtless crap that you’ve come to expect of me in no time. It’s what I’m good (bad?) at after all.

Oops, that’s right. Some of you may have NO IDEA who I am. Please excuse me. Hi, I’m Bebito Jackson, and this is what I affectionately like to call The Down-Lo. My column is a little different from the rest of the packs. You see it’ll be here that I will give you the best videogame industry tittle-tattle sucked straight from the juiciest milk-filled teats of the gaming gossip goddesses. Or to be more honest, this is nothing more than a gimmicked rumor column to make myself standout from the rest of the straight news guys, so you’ll like me more instead of them. And it works! *thumbs up, smile with teeth showing* Quick Bio – I love Sega, RPGs, old school 2d fighters, and the occasional “real” shooter (so by default I love the Saturn) and I can’t stand Tomb Raider, bad Japanese RPG translations, and games with more flash than substance, but aren’t we all like that? That’s the gist of what you’ll get here anyway. There’s a bunch of stuff involving spotlights, Sifl & Olly, Shining Force veneration, and a monkey, but everything you don’t know you’ll learn as we go.

Alright, it’s go time people. Here’s how this works. Each of the rumors I supply is supplemented by Bebito’s patented, Down-Lo Rating System©. The higher the rating on a scale of 1 to 10, the more reliable the rumor is. Simple right? Let’s try it out real quick on some non-game related material:

BEBITO JACKSON DOESN’T SUCK
According to somethingorother.com reports have been coming in that Bebito Jackson’s popularity has been rising! Previously thought to be the suckiest suck that ever sucked a suck, it’s recently been speculated that he was just kidding the entire time and actually has some form of talent. After years of playing second fiddle to his own Rumor Monkey, Bebito will finally be coming into his own as a breakout star for 411 Mania.

Ashish and Widro, 411 Mania’s owners, are supposedly so pleased with this turn of events that have actually begun paying Bebito for his Rumor Down-Lo News Reports. The deal, reportedly worth over 100 billion dollars, is set for a 6-month period and includes such perks as his own harem consisted of women from the Miss Universe pageant and a lifetime supply of Scott Keith’s semen.
DOWN-LO RATING: 1

Now the probability that the previous story’s a complete fabrication is fairly high. Thus we have a very low Down-Lo Rating. On the flip side we have…

ALEX LUCARD GETS DEPORTED
Rumor has it 411 Games elitist Alex Lucard was recently kicked out of the UK due to immigration laws. After years of dodging the system and screwing over the royal family, Mr. Lucard has finally been caught and forced to leave the country returning to a place much more accepting of cynical games writers, the United States. Allegedly, Alex Lucard is in the process of obtaining weapons of mass destruction to take out the country in the unlikely event that his fiancE leaves the UK.

While not confirmed, specialists agree Alex’s deportation was all a conspiracy by key employees from within Squaresoft in retaliation to the defaming of the Final Fantasy franchise in the hit column Retrograding. SquareEnix could not be reached for comment.
DOWN-LO RATING: 9

Ok, so there may have been a couple of fibs in that last one, but you see how it works? The more likely it is to happen or have happened, the higher the DLR will be. Got it? Good. And with that we’ll get to the main course. Enjoy. I do.


This is the Down-Lo.

GOLDEN THREE?
The Golden Sun series is one of the most popular franchises on the Game Boy Advance, and I know the reason why. It’s that awesome battle music! An RPG hasn’t had a score so compelling during its battles since Shining of The Holy Ark for Sega Saturn. Both a testament to the sound system for the GBA and the composers themselves, Golden Sun’s fight music is so good that I actually don’t mind battling countless randomly colored blobs and unusually hostile forest creatures. Hmm… Come to think of it, didn’t Camelot make both GS and SotHA? And wait, they did the equally amazing soundtrack for the Shining Forces too. Guess they must have the musical magic touch. Tight compositions aside, both the original and Golden Sun 2 were fantastic RPGs. Of course the logical question from here would be, “will the series live on?”

Camelot recently posted an update on their official Web site pertaining to the next Golden Sun. In what was hopefully not an honest effort to piss everyone off, they said that the official word is that “it is undecided” whether there will be a new installment in the series. Right now Camelot’s plate is so full that just getting what they have on task done is their highest priority. Unlike the current trend of having MILLIONS of members within a developer’s development team, Camelot’s band of merry programmers is fairly small. So the next versions of Mario Golf and Mario Tennis take precedence. According to Camelot, if and when there is a new Golden Sun title, we will find out all about it via Nintendo’s Web site.

As expected this bit of news brought out the protesters, whiners, and the crybabies. Read between the lines people! If they weren’t making anymore titles in the series ever again, they would have just come out and said, “No, we’re screwing the fans.” Just because they’re not crafting a Golden Sun sequel RIGHT NOW, doesn’t mean that it’s not coming down the pike when current projects are cleaned up. This isn’t Sega we’re talking about here. They know when to continue on a hit franchise. Not only were the GS games among the best RPGs on they GBA, but they were also among the highest selling games on the GBA. And we all know that’s what really matters. So for this rumor’s DLR, we’ll make it so that the higher the rating the higher the chance that eventually there’ll be a new Golden Sun and leave it at that.
DOWN-LO RATING: 8

PILOTWINGS FOR GAMECUBE? [sarcasm]WHOOPIE![/sarcasm]
Pilotwings 64. *sigh* I just don’t get what the big hoopla over this game was. Sure it sold tons when it was released but, well… Let’s take a look back at history and see what possibly may have led to this game’s popularity.

*hops in WAYBACK machine*

It’s September 29, 1996 and the launch of the Nintendo 64 in North America has just taken the gaming world by storm. The entire initial shipment of more than 350,000 units was sold out in a only three days (sure it sounds meager by today’s standards but it was quite the breakthrough at the time). The cause? For the first time American gamers were blessed with the masterpiece that was Super Mario 64, a game that still probably stands up to the test of time as the best 3d platformer ever crafted. It made for one compelling reason to buy a N64 I’ll tell you that and was the major contributing factor in the first ever major console shortage. Funny enough, for some reason the hundreds of games available on the Playstation just didn’t seem to matter when you compared it with the N64 and Super Mario 64. At least for a little while it didn’t, that is. People quickly, yet contently finished Mario’s latest adventure and were soon hungry for more. Unfortunately, Nintendo only provided TWO launch titles: the aforementioned Mario and another cute little game by the name of Pilotwings 64. N64 owners, desperate for new content yet high off of Mario’s adventures, flocked to the new title and dumped more praise upon it then it probably deserved, likely due to the fact that they had nothing else to choose from. Now that’s not to say that Pilotwings wasn’t a fun or fine game. No, no… I’m just saying that if this thing had been released mid-span or even just a couple of months into the 64’s life cycle, it wouldn’t have created any-where near the splash it made being Luigi to SM64’s Mario. After playing it years later without the fanfare of a system launch behind it, it’s hard to keep such a high opinion of what is essentially an average title at best. And besides, was it just I or did this game have porno music in it?

Regardless, the prospect of a Pilotwings on GameCube is sure to make more than a few of you junkies out there salivate so here’s something to get the drool glands going. In a recent letters column featured at Cube IGN, a letter asked if there would be a follow-up to Pilotwings 64. In the response they let loose that Factor 5 is working with Nintendo to bring a new version of Pilotwings to the Gamecube sometime next summer. Oh, joy. At least they got someone with skills in the form of Factor 5 to make it. Star Wars: Rebel Strike wasn’t a bad game by any means.

So what are the odds on this one? Pretty darn good I’d say. Despite the fact that no other evidence has been produced to support this claim, the guys at IGN saying it is enough to take it seriously. Look for some sort of formal announcement soon.

Bleh. I’ve already spent too much time on this one. Time to move on.
DOWN-LO RATING: 5

IT’S A US! MARIOS!
Ah, does anything provide more rumor fodder than that old clichE: games that miraculously appear on release lists and then mysteriously disappear? Nothing fuels the rumor mill fires more than a screw-up by some shmuck accidentally spilling the beans on unannounced titles via the companies’ own official website. Brings a tear to my eye. No really it does. *wipes tear away* See?

According to the Nintendo Norway release list, there are new Mario titles on the way to the Gamecube. Duh. But I’m not referring to Mario Kart and 128 Marios, oh no. Just last week believe it or not, Paper Mario and Super Mario popped up on their release list out of nowhere, neither of which has been officially announced. Soon after (literally hours) both games were removed and never made mention of again. It’s just how these things work.

Taking a closer look, another Super Mario would be self-explanatory, but the Paper Mario “revelation” comes with more rumoring further spicing it up a bit. Supposedly, now that Nintendo and Square are back on “good” terms, they are collaborating yet again on another Mario RPG using the same overly used cel-shading gimmick style of the N64’s decent yet slightly disappointing Paper Mario. While I’m not exactly thrilled by the prospect of another cel-shaded title coming our way, when Square and Nintendo do come together the child born from that unholy union is always more than entertaining.

So do those WACKY Norwegians know something we don’t? Maybe. Since Nintendo has basically cancelled their Space World show for this year, one has to imagine that there were some titles being saved for that event but will now instead be announced in other venues. Thus it’s conceivable that these games may exist. Nothing would make me happier than to see both of these puppies surface, but it may very well have just been a website misprint and nothing more, especially considering nothing else has come up to lend further credence to this story. Can’t put too much backing behind any of this until I find out more. You know I’ll keep you updated.
DOWN-LO RATING: 3

EVEN MORE MARIO! (OK, I’LL BE BRIEF)
So as not to make you puke from OPE (Over Plumber Exposure) this will just be a quickie.

E3 disappointed the crap out of Nintendo fans. Sure Mario Kart was nice and pretty. Sure F-Zero was all fast and what not. And sure Star Fox looked… err, well Star Fox looked underwhelming actually. Metal Gear! There we go. And sure Metal Gear Solid: Twin Snakes looked quite amazing. But ultimately Nintendo’s lineup had some gaping holes quality and star power-wise and none was more felt than the absence of Mario. Specifically, the absence of what is supposedly the true sequel to Super Mario 64, Mario 128.

Well Europe looks like the place to be because word is jumping around that Mario may well be unveiled at this year’s ECTS, on Nintendo’s piggyback event, The Nintendo Show. Shhhweet. It makes sense too. They didn’t show it at E3 (but they should have). Can’t show it at Space World (there is none). Wouldn’t show it at Tokyo Game Show (Nintendo’s never there). And the next E3 is too far away (’cause it’s like next year and stuff). So ECTS has got to be it. When questioned, Nintendo Europe simply stated concerning the game’s appearance, “As of this time, our plans for that time haven’t been decided.” But come on now, did you really expect them to just come out and say we’ll have Mario 128 in playable form at this year’s ECTS? If you did, please click the back browser now and go read something more worth your time. Like what the Raw Rating is.
DOWN-LO RATING: 6

XBOX COMMITS GRAND THEFT?
“Nah, nah!” That phrase can be heard at any given moment throughout the planet as PS2 fanboys taunt their Xbox owning neighbors while they happily play Grand Theft Auto with smug expressions on their acne ridden faces. Hang tough Xbox lovers. Don’t succumb to the temptation of punching their teeth in just yet. I’m here to give you hope.

In Take-Two Interactive’s financial conference call to analysts early last week the company said that its exclusivity contract with Sony Computer Entertainment America has been amended and, additionally, executives strongly hinted that a version of Grand Theft Auto may come to my favorite green glowing console and yours, Xbox.

IGN.com states the conference call more eloquently than I ever could so here’s a direct quote from them:

During the Q&A section of the conference call, Take-Two’s Jeffrey Lapin stated that an unannounced SKU would appear on Xbox in the fiscal year 2004 (which, for Rockstar, is November to January). Lapin didn’t confirm it was Grand Theft Auto, but he implied, according to an inside source who listened in on the call, that it was a Grand Theft Auto title. If rumor proves true, then a previously published version of the game, i.e. Grand Theft Auto III or Grand Theft Auto Vice City, is in the works for Xbox.

According to the conference transcript, the question asked in the call was: “Is GTA for Xbox coming, and when it is coming?” Lapin’s answer was: “We said that there will be an Xbox SKU from Rockstar in the first quarter of the fiscal year 2004 [Nov. to Jan.], but we’re not going to comment on what it is at this point.”

Sony used to have the GTA series on lock down exclusively for Playstation systems from 2001 to 2004 with the PC as the only exception. That contract has been re-negotiated apparently to allow the series on other consoles. Rockstar is still currently working on the next Grand Theft Auto title, due for year’s end in 2004 which may or may not be for the PS3, but even that title may now come to other consoles (the exact details of the new contract were not fully revealed). If this is all true and SCEA actually let this franchise slip through their fingers, who was smoking what over at Sony during contract negotiations has also yet to be determined.

Throughout the conference call they tried their best to make them spill the beans by directly saying the words Grand Theft Auto, but to no avail. Take-Two did hint though that they are most likely to announce the full, confirmed news in its next analyst call this August. Until then, we’ll just have to let our imaginations run wild with what actually WAS said for a while. Easy to do isn’t it?
DOWN-LO RATING: 7

And that’s the Down-Lo. And yes, there was craps load more of stuff to dish, including secret internal leaked documents at Microsoft, Nintendo’s next console, and Metal Gear Solid Online. But do you want my fingers to fall off writing all this crap down? Perhaps next time.

Thanks to IGN, GamesAreFun, GamerFeed, and Spong.com for today’s stories.


THINGS I FOUND THAT MAKE GREAT COLUMN FILLER
So yeah, anyway, here’s something kinda interesting I found while perusing cyber-space. It’s this cute little interview with the creator of the Dead or Alive series, Tomonobu Itagaki. In it he talks about the DOA games and his upcoming Ninja Gaiden. Since this’ll fill up space and junk, I figured I’d post it ’cause I’m lazy… Plus it gives me an excuse to put up gratuitous pictures of half-naked DOA chicks. It’s win win. Mom would be proud.

——————————————————————————–

GameSpy: When will we see Dead or Alive Online?

Itagaki: It will come out this fall.

GameSpy: Only on Xbox?

Itagaki: (Without waiting for his translator) Yes.

(Then going back to his translator) When everybody else uses the phrase, “only on Xbox,” it is more of a business phrase. When I say it, I really mean it because my games will only work on Xbox, not on anything else. I’m forced to say it from a technical point of view.

GameSpy: Do you have any regrets about having gone exclusively on Xbox?

Itagaki: Nothing. My games require the power of Xbox.

GameSpy: Is the difference with Dead or Alive Online that you can now go online to fight?

Itagaki: Of course not. There are many, many additional ways to play than there were before. Also, it uses the more advanced DOA Extreme Beach Volleyball engine. It looks very nice. In fact, it may look better than DOA 3.

I really hate the current trend of doing lazy multi-platform releases of games. Of course, if you take a PS2 game and stick it on Xbox, you will have all kinds of leftover power. Too many developers do not use that extra power. They should use that power to enhance the fun and value of the game.

If you make a game for PS2, it should play on the other machines as well. It’s not the developers that will make games look better on Xbox, it’s the video chip. It’s a lazy approach on the part of the Xbox to let the chip do all of the work.

With DOA Online, we have a DOA 1 and a DOA 2 portion under one umbrella. DOA 2 was developed to show our pride and what we can do from a technological ability. The DOA 1 portion shows our love and our pride toward the origin of the franchise.

The DOA 2 portion of DOA Online was made from scratch. We did not port anything over. When we had left over [processing] power that other people might ignore, we used it for interactive movies and better, smoother control.

Our game concept involves the environment as much as the characters. We were able to capitalize on the environments because of Xbox. This is the kind of philosophy that went into the making of DOA Online. We put a lot of effort into it to challenge the developer community.

One last thing. You may be wondering why DOA needs to be online now. When you look at arcade culture, it’s pretty much dying. I feel that it needs to be replaced with something else, and that is online gaming. Online connects the homes around the nation to create an arcade-like experience without going to an arcade.

GameSpy: Do you view the Internet as somewhat of an international arcade?

Itagaki: Speaking about technical issues involving online play internationally, American and European TVs have different frequencies (U.S. and Japan are the same as you know), plus the great distances involved make the lag problems even worse than they would be within a single country. However, my basic goal of creating an international online arcade still remains.

GameSpy: Can you take a fighter from DOA 1 and fight in DOA 2?

Itagaki: There seem to be a lot of people who like that concept. I’ve been hearing a lot of good ideas that could be added to the game.

GameSpy: Let’s move on to Ninja Gaidan. How long have you worked on this project?

Itagaki: About five years. Four or five years. I worked on it in between my DOA projects. Over the last year, we have been working on it straight.

GameSpy: Would you describe this as your best game?

Itagaki: Yes.

GameSpy: Have you met the creator of the original Ninja Gaidan?

Itagaki: I met one of them. My mentor was one of the original guys.

GameSpy: What was his name?

Itagaki: Mr. Inose.

GameSpy: What was his first name?

Itagaki: In Japan we all go by last name. Back in the old days, we only had a few people to work on each game and they were geniuses. These days we have many times more talented people. The end result shows that.

I may be one of the most stubborn people in the industry, but I owe that to Mr. Inose for instilling in me the philosophy that I now have. Mr. Inose pretty much made all of the classic Tecmo games such as Rygar.

When I asked Mr. Inose if he worked on Rygar, he did not remember because he had worked on so many games.

GameSpy: Did he do Bomb Jack and Solomon’s Key as well?

Itagaki: (Without a translator) Yes, of course.

GameSpy: But he did not work on Tecmo Bowl?

Itagaki: Tecmo Bowl was created by another guy; another great guy.

GameSpy: Tecmo is an interesting company. It was one of the great companies during the days of the Famicom (Nintendo Entertainment System), and now it is starting to come back.

Itagaki: That is why Team Ninja works so hard. When I first joined the company it was in bad shape. Many of the geniuses had left. Inose and Shimoji (Tecmo Bowl) were the only ones who were left from the old school. I was directly below them. I was trained by them.

“Games must be fun to play, even if the characters are only composed of a triangle, a circle, and a square. Graphics are a secondary thing.” That was their philosophy. Now, of course, we are a very graphics-oriented company, but I have not forgotten the principles that Inose and Shimoji taught me.

——————————————————————————–

Those Inose and Shimoji guys were smart fellas. Thanks to the guys at GameSpy for the interview.


THE DOWN-LO TOP 10
It’s pretty easy to find something perverted in almost everything in this crazy mixed-up world of ours. Most of our entertainment is just bleeding with sexual innuendos, even our own children’s programming. Why, I distinctly remember being about ten/eleven years old, and catching a little bit of Garfield & Friends before I sauntered off to school. While watching the “Friends” portion of the show, ya know… the part with the barnyard animals, this exchange between Roy the Rooster and Hampton the Pig stuck out in my mind:

Hampton: Roy, are you going to finish painting the barn? We’ve been waiting for the past two weeks!

Roy: Eh, I’ll do it tomorrow.

Hampton: Look Roy, I think I and just about everyone else here is tired of you procrastinating…

*Roy frantically runs over to Hampton and covers his mouth with his hand*

Roy: WE CAN’T TALK ABOUT THAT! THIS IS A KID’S SHOW!

Hampton: I said, “PROCRASTINATING”, Roy!! It’s when you continually keep putting something off until later! Like what you’re doing with the barn!

Roy: Oh yeah… I knew that… So you can’t go blind from that right?

Hampton: NO!

Just in case you’re indeed slow, yes that was implied masturbating on a children’s show. Deplorable. Now most kids wouldn’t have gotten that, but I grew up around some pretty sick people (i.e. my schoolmates) so I knew what was up. Crazy thing is, everything you and I watch is just FILLED with this kind of stuff whether you realize it or not. This debaucherous sex talk has permeated our society at such an alarming rate, that I feel it’s my duty… nay, my PURPOSE to systematically point out just how much of this stuff is in each and every bit of our entertainment. Thus you may protect our children, and our children’s children. Therefore, I present to you…

(TOP 10 – SEXY LINES FROM THE STAR WARS TRILOGY)

Heh. Yup, all that just to set up a “Top-10” list. So I had a lot of time on my hands, sue me. For mind refreshing purposes, The Down-Lo Top 10 is when I pick a random subject and… well, give you a Top 10 list, duh. Sometimes it’s game related, which is more than likely, and sometimes it’s sporadic garbage like this. Whatever I feel like BECAUSE IT’S MY COLUMN.

When I say “Star Wars Trilogy”, of course I’m referring to the first three movies (you know, the good ones), and each are broken up into their own Top 10. Here they are as stolen from somewhere or another. Enjoy:

*****

Top 10 Sexy Lines From Star Wars

10.”Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!”
9. “Luke, at that speed do you think you’ll be able to pull out in time?”
8. “Put that thing away before you get us all killed.”
7. “You’ve got something jammed in here real good.”
6. “Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?”
5. “You came in that thing? You’re braver than I thought.”
4. “Sorry about the mess…”
3. “Look at the size of that thing!”
2) “Curse my metal body, I wasn’t fast enough!”
1) “She may not look like much, but she’s got it where it counts, kid.”

Top 10 Sexy Lines From The Empire Strikes Back

10.”I thought that hairy beast would be the end of me.”
9. “Size matters not. Judge me by my size, do you?”
8. “There’s an awful lot of moisture in here.”
7. “But now we must eat. Come, good food, come…”
6. “That’s okay, I’d like to keep it on manual control for a while.”
5. “Hurry up, golden-rod…”
4. “I must’ve hit it pretty close to the mark to get her all riled up like that, huhkid?”
3. “Possible he came in through the south entrance.”
2. “And I thought they smelled bad on the outside!”
1. “Control, control! You must learn control!”

Top 10 Sexy Lines From Return of The Jedi

10.”Hey, point that thing someplace else.”
9. “I look forward to completing your training. In time you will call me master.”
8. “You’re a jittery little thing, aren’t you?”
7. “I never knew I had it in me.”
6. “Someone must’ve told them about my little maneuver at the battle Taanab.”
5. “There is good in him, I’ve felt it.”
4. “I assure you, Lord Vader, my men are working as fast as they can. Perhaps I can find new ways to motivate them.”
3. “Grab me, Chewie. I’m slipping – hold on. Grab it, almost…you almost got it. Gently now, all right, easy, easy, hold Chewie. Chewie!”
2. “Hey, Luke, thanks for coming after me – now I owe you one.”
1. “Back door, huh? Good idea!”

*****

Oh man, is it just I, or is my column ten times more sucky then it was before I left. *shakes head down in shame, but then looks up and smiles* I sure hope so…


THE DLV OF THE WEEK
This would normally be reserved to the end, but other matters are to be attended to so this is as good a place for it as any. The DLV (Down-Lo Video) for this week is the LAST time it will be seen in the current format. No, I’m not killing the segment. Improving it rather. From here on in it’ll be set it up so that as you’re reading the Down-Lo the DLV will be loading at the bottom of the page. Odds are this column takes you anywhere from 10 to 15 minutes to read on a regular day, right? So why waste all that time? Thus by the point you get to end of the column, the video for the week will be all booted up and ready for you viewing pleasure. Don’t worry, there will be controls so you can mute the sound or stop the downloading completely if you’re not in position to watch it just yet. *coughatworkcough* And I’ll still provide a link for you to go to if you want it downloaded later or if your current browser can’t display it for some reason (those still surfing the net with Dreamcasts, I’m looking toward your general direction). If it’s impractical or stupid, email-in and let me know but only after seeing it first. No pre-emptive strikes, retards. Just trying some new things to shake stuff up.

Which brings us to today’s non-pre-downloaded DLV, the newest Japanese commercial for Capcom’s quirky but amazing looking Viewtiful Joe. It’s been delayed until June 26th for Japan, which means we probably won’t get it here in the states/Canada until September. Makes it all the harder to watch this masterpiece in action, but feel good in knowing that you can play a preview version on Nintendo’s latest demo disc. In the meantime take a gander at this:


(DLV OF THE WEEK: Viewtiful Joe)


A NOTE TO ALL CHALLENGERS
That about does it for today. Hopefully the “ring rust” will be worn off soon enough. Just to let you know, sometimes my columns will be the 15-page printout spectaculars of yesteryear, and sometimes they’ll be more phoned-in than a Friday Chris Pankonin Games column after he’s filled in for the ENTIRE Wrestling zone. All is not dandy in Bebito land still. My wife, Bella, had and still has consistent health problems that take precedence over everything else in my life because as I’ve said before, she’s HOT and those kind of women aren’t exactly falling from the trees. (For you perverts out there: She’s Italian with dark hair, long legs, and her two “friends” are… well, let me just say F.) Yes, this is what kept me away in the first place. Periodic hospital and doctors visits drain a family and sufficient time is needed to recoup for both of us. So as much as I love taking an hour or two out of my life to bang these puppies out for you guys, cut me some slack now and then if I can’t always lay down the Full Monty, mmmkay? Great. Knew you’d understand. Now I need to get something off my chest:

***

Well, everyone had their chance. I left. Lucard got deported. Yip had life issues. And Badlissi had college. The field was wide open for someone to step up and scoop the entire Internet Video Game Community for themselves. No one did. Now it’s too late. The 411 Mania Take-Over Legends are here. A note to IGN, Gamers.com, Gamespot, and all the rest of you yahoos out there: it’s over. We’re going to take your readership from you using YOUR OWN news stories to do it. Don’t believe me? Look at the Wrestling Zone. They don’t have one original piece of news/info between ANY of them. They steal from 1bob, the Torch, etc. etc. But guess who’s the number one rasslin’ site? Guess who’s going to be the number one games site? That’s right… 411. Don’t believe me? Here’s why:

The 411 Mania Take-Over Legends

Joseph Stanley — The Talented. Funny beyond words. I once said that The Wipe-Up was the best News Report at all of 411 Games. I stand by that statement. Go read why. Shades of Hyatte and Gruntman people. Shades of Hyatte and Gruntman. I can’t give a higher endorsement.

Ron Yip — The Pissed. When he wants to, he busts out some of the greatest column’s in 411 Games short history. He knows the good from the bad (i.e. the Dragonball Z: Budokia from the Def Jam Vendetta) and he knows how to illicit a response from his audience. When he comes around read him. I always do. SimColumn rules baby.

Bebito Jackson — The Retard. If you think the Rumor Down-Lo brings the awesome at the Mania each and every Tuesday, can I get a “U Suck?” *readers chant U Suck!* If you think 411 Mania is your sole source for all your wrestling, movies, music, comics, figures, and gaming needs, can I get another “U Suck!” *readers chant U Suck!* And if you think Bebito Jackson is THE premier star of 411 Mania, gimmie one more “U Suck!” *dead silence* Huh? Oh come on! What’s up wit dat? *Rumor Monkey taps Bebito on the shoulder* What is it monkey? *Monkey whispers to Bebito* No way. You’ve got to be kidding me? *Monkey shakes head no* Ok, I’ll give it a shot but don’t be disappointed little buddy. Alright, if you think the Rumor Monkey is the premier number one star of 411 Mania, can I get a “U Suck!” *readers loudly chant U Suck!* Oh screw all of you!

Lee Baxley — The Otaku. You want gaming news? He’s got gaming news? You want new releases? He’s got new releases? You want anime? Oh man does he got anime. Possibly the most unique among us, Mr. Baxley fills the niche that every good gaming site/magazine should have quite nicely. There’s nothing else out there like him ANYWHERE at 411 Mania so show some respect. Get over the Hump with him every Wednesday. You’ll be happy you did.

Bryan Berg — The Prodigy. The man that stepped it up a notch after my departure. Berg was good when he first started but reading him before and then now is like night and day. The man has Thursdays on LOCK. Sure he’s got to go to college and work his butt off. Sure he’s got the crappy job. And sure his readers try to get him fired from said crappy job. But THAT’S what makes him awesome, because he’s the easiest guy to relate with here since he’s just like 75% of you (minus the readers trying to sabotage your careers). Great guy, great read. Proud to call him cyber-friend.

We could break all of you off with just that right there. But WHOOPS, I forgot to mention the “new” guy on the News Reports scene…

Alex Lucard — The Hardcore. Look Who’s Back. If you don’t know what the deal with this guy is yet go read the Ikagura Review I linked to up top. When you’re done be sure to bow down and castrate yourself before the most hardcore (and I use hardcore in the most sincere and loving of ways) brilliant, and entertaining games writer that you’ll ever see on the net. I mean, besides err… me of course. *cough* Everyone else wants him; we got him. Deal with it.

That’s it. No need to even talk about the “army” of reviewers and the “myriads” of quality columnists we have and WILL have. I don’t need to say Badlissi. I don’t need to throw out Scotsman. And Pankonin? What? It’s done. They can’t handle us can they monkey? *Rumor Monkey shakes head disapprovingly* See I told you! Even the monkey knows. The freaking monkey!! It’s over people. I’m not trying to start some type of juvenile feud with the major gaming sites or anything like that. I respect you guys. I grew up reading you guys. Fond, fond memories still remain of logging onto the net at my school’s library and checking out all of your sites for the latest gaming news and reviews. Didn’t even know any of your specific names, but you were all my heroes. That’s why I’m giving everyone fair warning. It’s time to step up your game. Because we haven’t even gotten started yet…

(411 DOWN-LO OFFLINE: END TRANSMISSION…)