411 Games Rumor Down-Lo 04.01.03

411 Games Rumor Down-Lo 04.01.03

411 Games Quote of The Week
Sure the game is going to suck a good 25-40 hours away from your life but what else are you going to do? Read Scott Keith’s book? Hell no!
— Quentin Fraser (Review: Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker – GC)

(411 DOWN-LO ONLINE 04-01-03: BEGIN TRANSMISSION…)

When asked what they thought of Bebito Jackson and the 411 Games Rumor Down-Lo, these 411 alumni had this to say:

Claire Flynn Boyle: “He’s the sexiest man alive. Sexier than Brad Pitt!”

Scott Keith: “Normally thumbs in the middle, leaning down. But when he’s on it’s BONZO GONZO!”

Joseph Stanley: “100% family entertainment.”

Ashish: “Bebito Jackson?”
Widro: “He’s one of your drones from Section ZG, sir.”
Ashish: “Jackson, eh? Excellent…”

Bryan Berg: “He’s better than me, that’s for sure. Everyone’s better than me… Even Myles McNutt… *puts gun to head* Did you hear me?? I said even freakin’ Myles McNutt! I SWEAR I’LL DO IT!”

Thanks for the kind words everyone. I’ll continue to try my best to write the highest quality *BANG*

…Um, Bryan? You Ok Bryan???

*awkward silence*

Medic… Medic?


Hi, I’m Bebito Jackson, and I want to know if you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Hi, I’m Bebito Jackson, and I want to know if someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Hi, I’m Bebito Jackson, and I want to know why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Hi, I’m Bebito Jackson, and I want to know what do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

Hi, I’m Bebito Jackson, and I want to know when it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

Hi, I’m Bebito Jackson, and I want to know instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

Hi, I’m Bebito Jackson, and I want to know why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Hi, I’m Bebito Jackson, and I think too much…

Welcome to the Down-Lo boys and girls! It’s April Fools day, and I DON’T CARE. Only retards and the retarded write April Fools columns, so don’t expect any of that crap from me. *funny sounding hunchbacked guy in third row yells, “Hey! I’m retarded! That’s inoffensive!”* Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean to *”Never underestimate the power of the handicapped!”* Again I am sorry, sir. Please accept my *”I’m not wearing any pants! YAAAY!”* That’s very nice, sir. If you’re good, my rumor monkey will bring you a lollypop? Is that OK? *”Monkey pops! YAAAY!”* That’s great. Now just sit right there! *”I’m not wearing any pants! YAAAY!”* Yes, isn’t that nice.

Monkey… *rumor monkey runs over* Get rid of that guy… I can’t have those people in here. *monkey nods and picks up tazer gun* Where was I? Oh yes. What can you expect from today’s Down-Lo? I don’t know, I haven’t written the column yet stupid. You’ll find out along with me. Hopefully it will be just as entertainingly informative as it’s always never been. And no that’s not a typo.

It’s Rumor Time People. Behold the “Bebito’s hopped up on crack” edition of the Down-Lo. As most of you already know, I have a Down-Lo Rating© system. Basically it’s a gauge used to tell you how legit each of these stories probably are. The higher the rating, the higher the credibility. It’s pretty much a load of crap but that’s my format and I’m sticking to it. Above all else remember that these are JUST RUMORS. If you can’t deal with that, then get out of my column. I don’t want you here. Click the back button on the browser and read some hard news from Ron Yip or something. But if you crave the dirt, if you need the juice, if you desire to suck from the gaming gossip milk-filled teat of knowledge… then bro you’ve come to the right place. Enjoy. I still do.


This is the Down-Lo.

ANOTHER SEGA GAME YOU’LL ACTUALLY BUY?
I’ve rumored it for sometime, and now I can all but confirm it. A new version of Outrun is almost a definite to appear at this year’s E3 (only one month away!). Insiders have let out that the project is over 50% complete, and is “now Suzuki-san’s main focus.” Reportedly, Sega personnel are extremely excited about Outrun and see the game as Sega’s next big hit. If you can remember back, Yu Suzuki first spilt the beans that this title was in production at last year’s E3, when he mentioned he was indeed working on a new Outrun, and that it will be an arcade racer, as opposed to a simulator like F355 Challenge.

So what system is it being released on? Well it seems that Sega STILL hasn’t learned their lesson as they’re releasing the title for the Xbox. The frickin’ Xbox. Hasn’t Sega lost enough money making games for that system already? It’s not that nobody buys Sega games, it’s that nobody buys Sega Xbox games. If they were smart they’d release this for all platforms to capitalize on the series name value. Oh, wait… they are. “We are led to believe that Suzuki-san is making the code as proprietary for Xbox, which will feature heavy online content. Other versions will follow. There will certainly be link-up with the Chihiro arcade version,” our insider claimed. Alright, good. Maybe this game has a chance of succeeding after all, especially if marketed right. Come to think of it, maybe the Xbox version will even be successful due to the growingly popular Xbox Live support. There we go Bebito, think positive…

I don’t know about you guys, but I still love the original Outrun. I boot up Shenmue sometimes just to play it. So if anything else springs up info-wise on the title before the big E to the 3, I’ll be sure to blah blah blah, canned ending to rumor, blah blah blah, yakaddy scmackaddy.
DOWN-LO RATING: 8

RIDGE RACER REBORN
Unlike Outrun, Ridge Racer had never been my racing series of choice. Sure it had hot chicks modeling over sleek, cool looking cars, but so did the Stuntman clone wannabe for Xbox, Chase, and I wouldn’t touch that with a seven and a half foot pole. But then the PS2 came around, and I tried a round of R4: Ridge Racer type 4 and it didn’t turn out half bad. Even though I pointed to the game’s graphical flaws at the time to prove that PS2’s graphical muscle over Dreamcast wouldn’t be apparent for at least another generation of titles, the gameplay and slightly RPG-ish nature of the game reeled me in. And we all know how loony I get over anything RPG related. Except Final Fantasy Tactics, which feels like a stripped down, cheapened Shining Force. Sorry, but Square pissed me off on that one. I had a friend that was heralding FF Tactics as the greatest thing since sliced bread, but when I brought up Shining Force they had never heard of the thing. Drove me crazy till this day. But I digress…

Where was I? Oh, yes… If you haven’t noticed, it’s been a while since we’ve seen a Ridge Racer come out. The next game in the series has been in the works for two-plus years, and it’s finally nearing completion with the lo-down on how it will feel and drive coming in any day now. Japanese correspondents say the official name of the game is R: Racing Evolution and, unlike the previously mentioned RPG-ish nature of the last title, the sixth game in the series is believed to be a complete re-working on the time-honored arcade racer in structure, design, and driving style. Whether this is a good thing or a bad thing has yet to be determined. Namco is one of the few companies I trust with racing games, along with Sega. But even Sega dropped the ball. Anyone remember Sega GT: Homosexual Special (the Japanese name, sort of) for Dreamcast? I understand that Sega was going for a sim-type racing experience similar to Gran Turismo, but all they ended up with a racing game slow as molasses, that made you feel like you were driving in heavy snow conditions throughout the entire ride. Hopefully Namco doesn’t deviate too heavily from the successful formula they’ve just recently perfected, because it could seriously tarnish the series.

Oh who cares. Namco can do whatever they want, I’m not buying it regardless. I’m still waiting for an online version of Daytona 2 to pop up somewhere.
DOWN-LO RATING: 7

VIRTUA FIGHTER SHOCKER!
In a shocking development GamerFeed seems to think that Yu Suzuki and crew are working on a sequel to Virtua Fighter 4, by the name of Virtua Fighter 5. Amazing.

In other news, the sun came up over the east this morning, and is expected to be setting in the west later this evening. Be sure to stay tuned to 411 Games for more info as we get it on these unbelievable stories.
DOWN-LO RATING: DUH

YOU’RE NOT FOOLING ANYBODY, NINTENDO
As it is my custom to scour the internet and such for the juiciest rumors around, at times I mistakenly come across actual news. Yeah, I can’t stand it either. Sometimes however, news leads to rumor rather than the other way around. So when I found an exclusive interview Computer and Videogames had with Shelly Friend, PR Manager for Nintendo of Europe, my curiosity was peaked. Now as we all know, Nintendo hasn’t exactly been at the forefront of the console online evolution (that’s right evolution, remember the revolution started with Sega). Nintendo front man, Miyamoto has been vocal that Nintendo has no interest in online gaming, as it is not very profitable at the moment (those Xbox Live starter kits really didn’t get sold, Microsoft was just making it all up). Some glimmers of hope were still there for E3 however, as Nintendo loyalists prayed day and night that Nintendo would do the right thing and bring out some blasted online games. Well in the aforementioned interview Shelly Friend squashed those dreams when she confirmed Nintendo’s stance on online gaming quoting, “Online is what everyone is currently focusing on, but that does not necessarily mean that it is here and now. The fact that all these games can be playable online doesn’t mean people will be. It’s a nice, sexy thing to talk about but I think the reality is a little way off.” Furthermore, when asked point blank, “Will there be any first-party online titles at E3?”, She answered with a sharp “No.” And to add even more fuel to an already blazing inferno, recently Nintendo has turned on the hype machine (or more appropriately the anti-hype machine) by spreading information to the world’s gaming press, hinting that it will not be showing any online games at this year’s E3, causing widespread uproar throughout the IVGC (that’s Internet Video Gaming Community).

Ah, but now we get to the rumor part. When I went digging deeper into things, I found insiders who suggest that this is merely a ruse to grab the headlines at this year’s event. “If we were to say before the show that Mario Kart and so on will be on show, and online, when the show came the impact would be lost,” one Nintendo insider told us, under terms of strict anonymity. “Common sense says that the wider online strategy will be revealed, and as it’s unexpected, will generate massive interest.”

Is the Big N merely putting up a giant smoke screen to cover up the fact that they indeed have a wealth of online plans for the upcoming E3? I can say with almost complete confidence that this is undeniably the case. Shelly Friend is full of CRAP. Mario Kart, Mario Tennis, Pokemon, Animal Crossing 2, and as we’ll soon see, quite a few more titles will all be revealed to have major online features. Don’t believe the hype kiddies. Nintendo wouldn’t have released a Network adapter for the GameCube in the first place if they didn’t have any plans for online gaming. What, you think they did it just so that Sega could charge you 3000 dollars a year to play Phantasy Star Online. Me thinks not.

So feel good about yourselves. You now know that all of the whining and moaning you’re probably hearing over the message boards is completely unwarranted. Nintendo is going online. For the very first time. Be gentle with them.
DOWN-LO RATING: 7

And that’s the Down-Lo.

Thanks to IGN, GamerFeed, and Spong.com for this week’s stories.


THE DOWN-LO SPOTLIGHT
Now normally, I sit down with one of 411 Mania’s many superstar writers to chew the videogaming fat. But this time I was fortunate enough to secure an EXCLUSIVE interview with an actual celebrity! And apparently my influence reaches even farther than I could have ever thought, because he approached ME to do this. And I couldn’t be happier to have him here. Here! In my humble column! Without further adieu ladies and gentlemen, introducing the incomparable, the incredible, the talented, the former Heavyweight Champion of the world…. Iron Mike Tyson!! *loud applause and gasps of surprise from audience* Yes, yes. I’m excited too. Last week I caught up with good old Mike after he finished an exhibition match in which he was training for a future secret heavyweight fight (that he couldn’t talk to me about of course). Seeing him stand there, I could tell that the unrelenting hunger of old was still within him.


(DOWN-LO SPOTLIGHT IS ON MIKE TYSON: HEAVYWEIGHT BOXER)

This is the Down-Lo Spotlight.

Bebito: Hi Mike! I am truly honored that you wanted to be interviewed by me. My readers are very interested in what you have say on various subjects, videogames included, and of course I myself have been counting the seconds until this would happen…
Mike Tyson: Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon… smart too late.

Bebito: Uh, yeah… Ok… I see you’ve just finished with a bout. I got here a little late, but I’m sure you faired very well.
Mike Tyson: Of course I did, Bebito. I’m Mike Tyson. My defenses are impregnable. My main objective is to be professional but to kill him.

Bebito: Alrighty then… *shuffles feet nervously* Well before we talk about videogames, let’s discuss your past a little bit. Now we all know you’ve run into legal problems at various points in your career and it’s no secret that you’ve been in jail. After putting up with such a life altering experience, what was the first thing you proceeded to do after you got out of jail?
Mike Tyson: Well Bebito, after being locked up for so long it was just ludicriss ya, know? Just ludicriss. So as soon as you get out you really want to find a woman with whom you may commiserate with, to release all of that built-up menstruations you have. So after I found one and I knocked her out, she turns to Mike Tyson, she turns to me and she says, “Lots of guys will want to know how it was. Well, I have good news and bad news for you. Which would you like first?” And so me, being Mike Tyson, former Heavyweight Champ Mike Tyson, I already know that I’m the man, Bebito. I know I’m unfathomable. But to humorous her, I say “What the hey, give me the good news.” And you know what she said Bebito? Do you know what she said to Mike Tyson!!

Bebito: I don’t think I want to know Mike…
Mike Tyson: She says, “The good news is that you’re better than Magic Johnson…”

Bebito: Uh… I think we’re going to have to stop this. I can’t print anymore of this interview…
Mike Tyson: Now what the &@!* is that, Bebito! Huh? What the &@!*#% is that!! Anyone with a grain of sense would know that when I punched my wife, I ripped her freaking head off. Anyone with a grain of sense knows that I’m on the Zoloft to keep from killing y’all. So what do you think I did to her, Bebito? What??

*Bebito runs out of the building*

Ok, so that didn’t go so well. Perhaps I should just stick to interviewing my 411 brethren. Thank goodness I had a back up…


(DOWN-LO SPOTLIGHT IS ON CODY WEBSTER: 411 MUSIC)

Cody Webster rounds out the large collection of guys from 411 Music that I’m cool with. He’s talented, funny, and best of all… he tells you like it is. And he makes sure to do exactly that in today’s Spotlight. Check it out:

This is the Down-Lo Spotlight. Again.

Bebito: Yo Cody. How are you doing?
Cody: Pulchritudinous.

Bebito: Gazuntight. Let’s get started. Where you from?
Cody: Georgia, The Empire of The South.

Bebito: And how old are you Cody?
Cody: Heh, I’m doing this by email and Bebs had Jay Bower’s name here. The art of copy and paste isn’t to strong in this one, eh Yoda? I’m 18.

Bebito: Pfft… Be happy I bothered to change the name to yours in any part of this interview, even in the final cut. Jay Bower is the last one I’ve done, and I was just going to leave my comments as if I was talking to him, with your responses pasted underneath.
Cody: Getting Gay Power’s leftovers makes me want to drink a protein shake and throw it back up. Eh, it could have been worse, it could have been Molesty.

Bebito: What exactly do you do here at 411 Mania?
Jay Bower: Not much. I tease and poke fun at the talent handicapped in the music world, blaming penis and teenage girls for their uprising into the spotlight. In other words, I write a column and the occasional review at 411 Music.

Bebito: How’d you end up working for the site Jay… err Cody?
Cody: I sent a letter to Widro, which can be found in my 20th column. That shill is simply devilish.

Bebito: Sounds like the same way 99% of the “staff” started working here. So how much are you into videogames?
Cody: Very.

Bebito: You got a lot of systems?
Cody: In order of being owned: NES, SNES, Green Gameboy, N64, Gameboy Advance, and a Sega Genesis I bought after they agreed to make games for Nintendo.

Bebito: A Nintendo fan, eh? What’s your favorite one out of all of them?
Cody: SNES.

Bebito: Hey! That’s the same as your friend Jay Bower! You two could be twin brothers! Oh the hilarity. What games are you playing now?
Cody: I’m so far out of the loop it isn’t funny. I’ve been playing Mega Man X and Mario All Stars.

Bebito: Mario All Stars? LOL. Wow you ARE out of the loop. Can’t fault you taste wise though. Which games coming out soon, are you most looking forward to their release?
Cody: I can’t wait for the day those hippies at the thrift store put out the Flinstones and Darkwing Duck for the NES. They said they didn’t have any games, but I saw a cart in the back holding said gems. Does that count? Damn hippies.

Bebito: What’s everyone’s problem with the hippies!? They’ve never bothered me… Whatever. In your humble opinion, what is the greatest videogame of all time?
Cody: Donkey Kong Country. It is more of a memory thing than anything else. However, those graphics and play control were pretty sweet.

Bebito: Yeah, those graphics still stand up to even today’s standards. By your answers, I can tell that you’re a Nintendo fanatic, but waaaay back in the day on the Sega Genesis there was a mystical game called Toejam & Earl. I’m sure you’ve heard of them. They’re back out on Xbox, and I want to know: Do Toejam and Earl still got the funk?
Cody: No. Never did. Nintendo 4 life!

Bebito: *shakes head* System loyalty. Truly a sad thing. You’re starting to annoy me Mr. Bower, but I’ll let it go this time.

WORD ASSOCIATION TIME:
I say a word, and you tell me the first thing that comes to mind. Ready?

*****

(Videogames) – Hours of fun.

(Nintendo) – Best console and game maker.

(Sega) – Surprised it didn’t die sooner.

(Xbox) – Computer.

(PS2) – Nintendo reject.

(Grand Theft Auto) – Overrated — I dislike most first shooter games.

(Sonic The Hedgehog) – Mario lite.

(411) – Internet monopoly.

(Widro) – Nice guy.

(Ashish) – Asshole!

(TATU) – Posers.

(Enimen) – Very talented.

(Justin Timberlake) – Irritating

(Bebito Jackson) – Decent writer who came up with a great way to get more hits and ask basic questions.

(Cody Webster) – Good, Bad, And Sad.

*****

Bebito: Wait! Did you just call Ashish an “Asshole”? What’s up with that?
Cody: He acts like an asshole by not replying to letters and ill preparing people for anything in his mailers to the staff (get a free copy of Scott Keith’s book). He’s like Wario is to Widro’s Mario, expect for the being devilishly clever part. Plus, he didn’t like my Weird Al CAW. Bastard.

Bebito: For those who may not understand what Cody is talking about, back when Scott Keith’s book first released Ashish sent out an email telling the staff that they could get a free copy of it from the publisher. He neglected to mention however that we would need to say that it was for reviewing purposes, probably assuming that it was obvious and implied. Small mix-up that resulted in some of us, myself included, getting screwed out of getting the book. Ok, that’s a legit gripe Cody, but geez man! You’ve gotta be kidding me! He’s the freaking owner of 411 Mania! Don’t you realize that you work for this guy? Aren’t you afraid of any repercussions on that?
Cody: What ever shall I do if I got fired from my non-paying gig? Probably watch a lot more porn, that’s what. Heh, actually Widro runs Music, so he would have to be the one with the problem with me taking shots at poor ashy. What good is a column if I can’t take shots at assholes? That’s my biggest perk and excuse for doing it every week.

Bebito: Wow. Well thanks for at least callin’ me “Decent”, my wigga. We’s gonna have ta kick it one time once we done wit dis, dun (if ya still work here I mean). You’re pretty cool and I love everybody in the Music Zone anyway. You, Evocator, Daniels, Tom… the whole crew. A couple of those cats I know you have a problem with though. And in the spirit of instigating and rumormongering, I want the Down-Lo. First what’s up with you and Jeff Modzelewski?
Cody: Going in and out of ebonics is annoying, so stop it. He started coming onto me one late night; it was sad. I let him down the best I could but he has harvested grudge ever since. He likes to hide his problems under childish name-calling and hetero relationships. I’ve had harsh words with all the above-mentioned writers, yet we are now on good terms. Molesty is just a women scorned.

Bebito: *I can’t believe he called me out on the ebonics thing. Who does this guy think he is?* Ok that explains Jeff but what’s the deal with you and my home-girl Claire Flynn Boyle? There’s major “heat” between you guys right?
Cody: She emailed me being all buddy-buddy, coupling her criticisms in a small dose of praise. I called her on her bullshit. She never attempted to correct anything because she was wrong. I also envy her posh gopher job. Maybe I’ll bring out the archive and do a special about it in one of my column’s openings. Fun stuff.

Bebito: Can’t we all just get along. Within the short span that you’ve been in my column you’ve trashed Jeff Modzelewski, TATU, Claire Flynn Boyle, Ashish and even me (ever so subtlety)! Wow. Alright Cody, this is where I allow you to plug yourself. Tell everyone why he or she should read your work and how great it is and all that jazz.
Cody: Because you need someone to point out the obvious, make sense, and ruffle some feathers.

Bebito: Short, sweet, and to the point. That’s why I read ya. Thanks for joining me today Mr. Webster. This has been… interesting. Don’t worry, if I didn’t suck up to you enough throughout the interview, I do it at the end where I shill the bejeebas out everyone. One more question and I’ll leave you alone. There’s a running gag here at 411 Games (at least I think it’s a gag) that I supposedly suck. Honestly though Cody, do I suck?
Cody: You better. I don’t go around doing interviews for free. Fuck that, you better swallow too, bitch!

Isn’t he sweet? Those are the types of tender comments you can expect from Mr. Webster each and every Monday within The Good, The Bad, And The Sad at 411 Music. Just know that his column isn’t for the easily offended. If you’ve never read him before, let’s just say his work sounds close to a music obsessed Chris Hyatte, which is a compliment and a warning all in one. If there isn’t a stick up your butt take a look at his latest column below. You can be sure that I already did. Great, funny, offensive stuff.

You can email Jay Bower… oops, I mean Cody Webster at: IIDarkMarioII@aol.com
And you can check out his latest column: HERE.

More to come next week, so keep it focused right here.

(THE DOWN-LO SPOTLIGHT IS OFF)


MY READERS ARE AWESOME AND I’VE GOT PROOF!
No really! You guys are seriously awesome! Half of you deserve to be writing your own columns because some of the stuff you send me is just ridiculous. Case in point, today’s two featured letters…

SIFL & OLLY OVER SONIC THE HEDEGEHOG
Yo Bebito

OK, first of all, I honestly think you’re the only person who cares about Sonic. Seriously. Too much Sonic stuff. His career is deader than Crash Holly’s. Sega and Nintendo can try and revive the franchise all they want but NO ONE CARES. That limey in your audience was right!

And I am not biased against Sega here. I like the idea of a next-generation (and for PS2, woo-hoo!) Altered Beast greatly.

Actually, both the rumors of the new Sega titles AND Metal Gear Solid 4 are from the French… could they be making these rumors up, knowing us silly Americans and Brits will believe it? Then laugh in their snooty French way “‘ey Pierre, can you believe ze way zose people believe our silly little rumours?”
“No I can’t Jacques. Zey truly are ze stupid”
“God I hope the Germans don’t attack us again”
“We will be ze screwed”

You know what the world needs? A Sifl and Olly RPG! You play as Chester and get into all sorts of misadventures! … OK, that’s as far as I thought of it, but as long as it also has Hooker Monkeys, that is a best selling game on concept alone!

Now I want to see a game starring the Rumor Monkey vs. the Hooker Monkeys… Bebito, you could make MILLIONS!!!

Ok, that’s all I have for this transparent attempt to see my name in your column again.
— Jim Moore / Down-Lo Devotee

A Sifl and Olly RPG? What would the gameplay be like? Chester gains hit points from smoking more weed? Adventure segments with Sifl and Olly running from the police after they were found selling Precious Roy’s “Crack Patches”? Hmm. It could work. Or not. But that Rumor Monkey vs. Hooker Monkeys idea is GOLD.

Gotta disagree with you on Sonic. He’s the Crash Holly of the gaming world now? Hardly. Even though his last adventure SA2: Battle, was a bunch of rehashed crap, it still sold OVER a million copies. I don’t think Crash could pop a rating of 5 let alone a million. Trust me, this is the year of Sonic. And whether you cared about him lately or not, you will very soon. Wait till E3 my friend, wait till E3.

Oh and don’t worry, the “French factor” was weighed in heavily on those rumor’s Down-Lo Ratings. Bunch of pansies…

ARE YOU ALL AS JACKED UP AS I AM? HOPEFULLY
You created a Yankee-hater character for your column. Sometimes, when I’m reading your columns, laughing and smirking as the case may be, I wonder to myself: is Bebito insane? Am I insane for finding him funny?

Someone once said the following, paraphrased since I don’t have the text on me, of horror writer H.P. Lovecraft:

“His writings are those of a sick mind, with sick themes, and those who read and enjoy him are equally sick.”

Not that I’m saying that applies to you or anything…

PS: I respect anyone who has the balls to bash Tekken in a public forum.
— Michael Blaszkowski / 411 Games / 411 Music

Insane? Sick? Me? Ok, yeah probably. But as for my readers liking my off kilter humor… yeah you’re all probably just as twisted as I am. I mean did you SEE the last email? He was talking about hooker monkeys, Mike. HOOKER MONKEYS…

And by the way, if we all just took a little bit of time out of our busy schedules to bash Tekken once every day, this world would be a much nicer place. Indeed.


THE DOWN-LO CONTEST
Even though I STILL haven’t mailed out the prize to the winner of the last Down-Lo Contest yet (and I better before my already weak credibility gets shot to all get out), I’m going ahead with a whole new contest! This time the prize is simple. I’m giving you my column to rant about absolutely WHATEVER you want.

Ok wait… no, not really. I can’t back that up.

I give you my column to rant about whatever you want that’s VIDEOGAME related. There we go. It’ll be your very own column within a column for you to muse about whatever you like! You can talk about your favorite game. You can talk about how much Sega Sucks. You can plug a gaming related website your affiliated with. You can blast 411 Games’ staff. You can tell about how your uncle’s hemriods start to flare up when he plays too much Grand Theft Auto. You can do pretty much any freaking thing that you want, as long as it’s 1000 words or less. You get a public forum on a major website, where you’ll be read by around a thousand or so people! And all you have to do is…

STUMP ALEX LUCARD!

Has anyone seen the TV show, “Win Ben Stein’s Money”? Well it’s exactly like that. Except there’s no money. And there’s no Ben Stein. And it’s completely different. I’ve recently asked 411 Games’ own Alex Lucard 7 videogame related questions. He answered within a short amount of time, off the top of his head, with no external aid. These were his questions:

The Questionnaire

1. Who is the head of Sega’s Sonic Team and largely credited with the success of Sonic The Hedgehog?

2. Which of these magazines is not owned by Ziff Davis? Xbox Nation, Game Informer, Electronic Gaming Monthly, GMR, GameNow, Official US PlayStation Magazine

3. What was the exact American release date for the Sega Dreamcast?

4. How many Tomb Raider games have been released so far?

5. Which company is the oldest? Sega, Nintendo, Midway

6. By what publisher was the RPG Legia II brought to the US?

7. What does “E3” stand for?

The Rules

I’ve got his answers and now it’s your turn to solve to these babies. The 1st, 7th, and 15th responses I get from entrants answering all of the above 7 questions to the best of their ability, will be back in next week’s Down-Lo to compete in a GameShow-like segment. There, all answers are revealed (including Alex’s) and we’ll know who, if any, have STUMPED ALEX LUCARD! Notice I said if “any”. That’s right, it’s possible for everyone to lose. Since I’m picking people based on order of response, if the 1st, 7th, and 15th contestants all have more incorrect than Alex, HE wins and nobody gets anything! On the flip side, everyone who beats Alex gets the prize! So if all three contestants get more correct than Alex, they’ll EACH win a 1000 word commentary spot within the Down-Lo on separate weeks. You’ll all have the edge on Mr. Lucard because he had zero research time, but it is to your benefit to be fast as possible because those spots should fill up within a day’s time or so… or even faster. Thus when finding the answers don’t sacrifice too much accuracy for speed or vice versa. If you are selected to play, you’ll receive a special email from the Undertaker confirming that you’re in the game. Ok no, not really… I can’t back that up. But you’ll get one from me, and I’m a nice person and not holding anyone down.

The Trash Talking

And now, here’s Alex Lucard with a few words to address his potential competition.

Alex Lucard: “When Bebito first told me about this idea, I had to scoff. After all, this is 411mania. Where our demographic is nothing but male wrestling fans. And when you think of wrestling fans you don’t think of multicultural intelligence, you think of moonshine, and many generations of profoundly unbiblical sex. Wait no, that’s what you think of when someone says ‘Deliverance.’ Of course, in reality we all know there’s not much difference between the crazed hillbillies of that film and the average wrestling fan. Same type of education. Same slack jawed, glassy eyed _expression. So I’ll be impressed if anyone can even so much as write their name correctly for Bebito, much less answer one of these questions correctly. I mean, you’ve got to be able to READ to answer them, and since most of you have your mom or social service worker read Beb’s column to you, I’m pretty sure it’s safe to say this game is crueler than holding a gun to the head of a quadriplegic and telling him to win a 100 meter dash or his parents die.

Good luck though. :-)

HARDCORE! HARDCORE! HARDCORE!!!!!!!”

Man, he just chumped you all off. Are you going to let him get away with that? Yeah he may talk a good game but it IS possible to win. He doesn’t get all of them correct. Make him eat those words…

Here are the details so pay attention:

The Rules… err, Part 2

The only way to win is to STUMP Alex Lucard. If you tie him, it counts as a push in which case you lose. Yes, spelling DOES count. In questions asking for a name, the full name must be given (well Ok, not their middle names). All questions must be answered (hopefully correctly), in order to count as an entrant. Only one entry per player. Winners of a previous Down-Lo Contest are not eligible to enter again until two contest later. 411 Games employees are also ineligible, but the rest of 411 Mania (Muisc, Wrestling, etc.) are welcome to enter. Wish you guys the best! Have fun! And above all else… don’t make yourself look stupid. Alex will never let you live it down.


THE DLV OF THE WEEK
No DLV this week, because nothing caught my fancy. “Fancy”. That sounded so gay. Why did I say, “fancy”? While I work on acting more heterosexual you be sure to drop me a line for the contest or for “My Readers Are Awesome And I’ve Got Proof!“. Tomorrow the chain of power continues with the anime loving Lee Baxley. I’ll be back next week after Ron Yip’s enlightening sarcasm. Peace, I’m going, going….

Ya know what? Forget that. Like Alex Lucard said you guys are a bunch of wrestling junkies, so to be nice here’s a video of EA Big’s Def Jam Vendetta in action, even though it’s not my sort of thing. Don’t say I never got you anything.

(DLV OF THE WEEK: Def Jam Vendetta)

Going… going… out.

(411 DOWN-LO OFFLINE: END TRANSMISSION…)